The "I'm at the end of my rope" thread

[Bee Bee]

*sigh* Well, I'm currently in my 19th month of TTC #1 and 99% positive I am going in to my 20th month. I'm seriously just at the end of my rope. I have completely given up on seeing a anymore. I think it's just my way of coping. It's much easier to expect a negative than to hope for a positive. I still can't stop TTC yet though.

I thought that having an ectopic would give me more hope since I know I can get pregnant now but it didn't. It just made things worse. And someone mentioned how you can only be on clomid for 6 months and I am going into my 6th month now. I'm on femara but I'm worried that they might take me off of it. I can't afford IUI or IVF so those are not options for me. Really, femara is my last hope and I'm worried that that isn't going to be an option for me much longer.

I have PCOS and I don't ovulate regularly even with metformin so femara is crucial for me to time BD.

Anyway, I just figure if anyone else wants to vent, to please feel free.

 

[robinsonmom]

This crap sucks!! 23 months of ntnp and one month actively! Hundred hpts and a lot of heart ache. I am really having the blues to bee bee

 

[Miskas mommy]

It sucks, then you have all these ppl who were not even trying or it was "accidental"! Really!! It irritates me, I just want to shake them and tell them if they only knew the half of what we go through every month..

I have to hear about it every day at work, my coworker daughter is pregnant, so that's all she talks about, and they were not even trying to get preg!

 

[88stone]

Bee bee I'm sorry it still hasn't happened for you. Have you tried looking at a health food store for alternatives? I've bought a fertility powder for a friend before (by a company called health force). I'm going to try it next month if this month isn't positive. Might be worth a try if you have no other options.

 

[Bee Bee]

Bee bee I'm sorry it still hasn't happened for you. Have you tried looking at a health food store for alternatives? I've bought a fertility powder for a friend before (by a company called health force). I'm going to try it next month if this month isn't positive. Might be worth a try if you have no other options.

I've been trying Maca which is possibly the same thing you are talking about. My fertility doc actually suggested it which is why I am trying it. Been putting it in smoothies.

 

[88stone]

My acupuncturist recommended my boyfriend eat tons of avacado or take fish oil pills it's apparently great for sperm

Yeah maca would work too I think the one I'm talking about has tons of good stuff. I'm going to start drinking smoothies again. I stopped for winter time

 

[Bee Bee]

That's another thing that has been suggested to me, acupuncture. I need to see if it is covered by my insurance since I am now unemployed.

 

[Berri]

I'm sorry, this must be so very hard for you.

For what it's worth, I have PCOS too and the only thing I did differently was take vitamin D religiously for a month and we got ds2. Have since read some studies that it can help regulate IR and increase fertility for PCOS sufferers. It's cheap and harmless... may be worth a go?

Have since read some studies (like this one https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/769614) which show a link.

All the very best of luck to you

 

[Jules8]

I am so sorry things are so frustrating. PCOS really sucks!! We were trying for 5 years before I finally switched OBGYN's last year and she decided to do testing due to my long cycles. Low and behold, they found some high levels of DHEA and off to the endocrinologist I went. Did more testing to find out I have PCOS. I was relieved that they found the issue, but angry because I knew it was going to make conceiving hard.

The endocrinologist could only give me metformin so I saw a fertility doctor a few weeks back. I am still taking the metformin, but starting femara next cycle. Hopefully femara will help us both get that long awaited bfp!!! I don't want to give up hope and really hoping for the best. I was actually thinking last night that seeing a bfp is probably going to put me in complete shock after all that we have been through, and praying that I will experience it soon.

Good luck!!

 

[maria86]

I am very sorry I cannot offer much advice, but didnt want to read and run. Hope this works out for you!!

 

[TickTockBaby]

Hi ladies.
I hope no one takes offence to this post but i just wanted to say KEEP GOING!
I have PCOS and was actively (religiously!!!!) trying to conceive our first for 18 long ass months.

My whole life i have just known i could and would never get pregnant, i just knew it would never be a straight forward process for me and ultimately was certain i would never know motherhood.

I posted on BnB at a particularly low point when literally all of mine and DH friends were announcing baby news, a time when i felt like a complete failure and was regularly crying on the way to work at the prospect of my childless pointless life.

I had appointment after appointment with my fertility specialist and every test imaginable and all they could tell me was my PCOS and irregular cycles meant it would be "harder" for us to get pregnant. At the last appointment we had my specialist finally agreed to write me a perscription for Clomid that i promptly rushed to the nearest chemist AND COULD NOT WAIT TO START!!!

Anyway all i had to do was wait for my period and start the new rollercoaster- finally on CD 48 and still nothing i took a HPT and left it on the bathroom windowsill whilst i got ready for work.

Finally went back to it to see 2 pink lines. I wasn't even in shock i was just irritated i'd bought a faulty test/ prank test and had wasted money. So i went online (where i bought the test) and checked the advert for the disclaimer saying it was a joke test blah blah blah. Anyway 9 tests later my husband finally managed to convince me they were positive.

To be honest I'm 13 weeks have had horrific MS and 2 scans both showing a healthy baby and it still hasn't sunk in that i am pregnant.

The point of my rambling is just to say i know how hard it is, and i know that no one will ever no how hard it is for you, i know what it is like to feel hopeless and lost and angry at the world for f*cking you over on something thats supposed to be the most natural thing in the world. I know what its like to plaster on a mask all the time and i know what its like to feel like a hollow shell completely out of control of the only thing you want.

I won't say just relax and keep trying but i will say please don't give up.
Sub fertility is horrific and destroying but it will happen. In todays medical age women born without a uterus have gotten pregnant and had a family! (I know this is extreme but you get the point!)

I know that when i was struggling and i saw posts like this i appreciated the positive support but still felt like it would literally never happen for me.

Its a battle and its shit and it is absolutely the right time to be selfish! Feel sad on the bad days and spend all afternoon googling herbs that might help but DO NOT GIVE UP.

 

[88stone]

I'm lucky that there's a local scaling rate acupuncture building near my home . I recommend it I'm low on cash (trying to pay off my line of credit) so only acupuncture once every month or so

 

[Smille24]

I think I'm at a breaking point. DH and I were ntnp for a yr but my cycles were irregular from bc and I highly doubt I was ovulating. My cycles have been pretty regular now and this is our 3rd cycle ttc. I finally got a + opk for this cycle and my temp was low this morning. I told DH and he suggested we dtd which I was planning anyway. We tried but he said he has nothing left. We dtd yesterday and every other day b4 that for a week now. Just yesterday we had an argument over why it's not happening and he said I should gets meds to increase our chances. I tried to explain that's not how it works and my body is working perfectly fine. It's the fact that for some reason he can't perform when it's the right time. After tonight I have so much resentment. Idk what to do or say to him. Idk if I even want to continue putting myself through this month after month if he can't get out of his own head. He says he's so sick of ttc but wants a baby now. Has anyone ever gone through this? Any advice?

 

[Bee Bee]

I think I'm at a breaking point. DH and I were ntnp for a yr but my cycles were irregular from bc and I highly doubt I was ovulating. My cycles have been pretty regular now and this is our 3rd cycle ttc. I finally got a + opk for this cycle and my temp was low this morning. I told DH and he suggested we dtd which I was planning anyway. We tried but he said he has nothing left. We dtd yesterday and every other day b4 that for a week now. Just yesterday we had an argument over why it's not happening and he said I should gets meds to increase our chances. I tried to explain that's not how it works and my body is working perfectly fine. It's the fact that for some reason he can't perform when it's the right time. After tonight I have so much resentment. Idk what to do or say to him. Idk if I even want to continue putting myself through this month after month if he can't get out of his own head. He says he's so sick of ttc but wants a baby now. Has anyone ever gone through this? Any advice?

I have sort of gone through this. My husband has a very low sex drive so it's not the easiest thing for him to perform when needed. At this point, after almost 2 years of TTC, I have gotten it down to a science lol. I try to have us BD for every other day for a week before ovulation is due. This way, he only has to DTD 3 or 4 times tops. The rest of the month is whenever he is in the mood. I think that whole mental thing of only 3 or 4 times helps them.

And a lot of men don't understand the whole TTC thing. My husband was also frustrated when we first started but also they get more used to the idea after a while and it gets easier. I would just explain to him that TTC is not as easy as everyone thinks. Your odds of getting pregnant each month is 20% at the highest. So, it takes even perfectly healthy couples up to a year to get pregnant when actively trying.

 

[Smille24]

Thanks Bee Bee. I'm glad I'm not alone. We did manage to dtd the day b4 I O'd (yesterday) and every other day since last Friday. I cried most of the night. What happened to us? 10 yrs ago it was non stop sex and now he has zero drive. I feel terrible about myself even though he tries to assure me it's his excruciating work schedule. I feel like he's giving up on me.

 

[babymabey]

I am overwhelmed and frustrated! On CD 1 of month 9 TTC. At least I think it is CD 1. I had some blood this morning, after being 3 days late, and that was all, just that once with one wipe. I had pos. OPK on April 8 and my cycles have been like clock work since I had my son so I know it was accurate. When TTC #1 it took 2 years and three miscarriages. At this point I would be relieved for a MC, just so I know that things are working. I got tested 2 months ago and it showed I am ovulating so I don't know what the dang problem is. We have one more month TTC then we will have to have my husbands sperm tested, but I don't see how that is a problem because he hasn't done anything different since we had our son. I mean, we both got really healthy, dropped a bunch of weight which we were told would help us conceive easier and faster, but he hasn't started doing any exercises that affect his "boys" (like cycling) or anything like that.

This month has been hell. 2 days after pos OPK my brother died from an OD and who wants to DTD with a wife who has been crying all day. Today I have been crying all morning because 1) I found a picture of him and my nephew from about 17 years ago that made me remember the horrible day my mom called to tell me, 2) I was hopeful this month would be a BFP because of being late and sore/swollen boobs then seems to have shown her face and 3) I am weaning my LO from his bottle and he decided 3 am was wake up time making me exhausted.

Only my OBGYN knows we are TTC because I don't want the added pressure of others asking every month if I am pregnant so I have no one to sit down and talk to. I am so grateful for these forums or I would be going completely insane right now from this overwhelming sadness.

 

[Swtshae]

Trust me when I say I can relate to you all as I've been trying for 4 years. I know I've already passed my "BREAKING POINT". Recently I've struggled with trying to conceive so long that it's caused me a lot of emotional and physical problems. It's been hard as I've thrown a baby shower for a friend, gone to several baby showers and had many close friends and family get pregnant. I'm not sure if my time will ever come... but I'm starting to become more hopeful again. I'm trying to be content with the road my husband and I will have to take to conceive if that's what we chose to do. In the meantime, I'm just trying to be more POSITIVE and see the bright side of things.

Good luck everyone. I hope we ALL get our BFPs!!!

 

[Miskas mommy]

I think that I have finally convinced my dh to have an sa done.. Now I just don't know where to send him?? Anyone know?

 

[Smille24]

I think that I have finally convinced my dh to have an sa done.. Now I just don't know where to send him?? Anyone know?

Your obgyn can do one, that's what I came up with when I was looking into it.

 

[LilRu]

So many of us can relate to how you feel, thanks for letting us vent. Even though we are in different situations, I think the emotional rollercoaster remains the same. I really cannot offer any advice for you, except I was on clomid for 4 months, nothing. I think it can really affect the lining for some women, making implantation more difficult so you definitely should take a break after 6. Good luck girl!! And don't give up!