the second time round

Discussion in 'Pregnancy After A Loss' started by scaredmum2be, Jan 8, 2010.

  1. scaredmum2be

    scaredmum2be Well-Known Member

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    i miscarried on the 5th september :cry: i was always checking myself as people do with there first and as i got to the 3 months stage i was in agony for 3 days and sadly miscarried.

    Now 2 months down the line im about 10 weeks now that ive worked out and totally crapping myself ( scuse my language) im checking myself constantly even though i get morning sickness which i never had with the first.

    Im so scared i dont want to love this baby. I wanted the first baby so much we had it planned but with this one it was a shock and scared and thought it was to soon. I cannot however have an abortion because i dont believe in it.

    will i learn to love this baby?
    with the first baby i didnt get to have a scan at all but grew fond and loved my baby :( :cry:

    with this one its totally different is this normal?
    what if i dont ever love the baby will it all be different on the scan if i ever get to have one this time round?

    you all sound like great people on this forum and i know you do well to support others.

    maybe im over reacting when i say im scared but that must mean i feel something for this one? i sound well horrible dont i :cry: x
     
  2. Smiler13

    Smiler13 Well-Known Member

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    Sorry for your loss. No, you don't sound horrible at all, just scared and honest.

    Sometimes being cut-off from loving / positive feelings can be a self-protection thing after a loss or as part of grieving. A whole range of feelings are "normal".

    Give yourself some time, and please don't be down on yourself for how you're feeling.

    Perhaps the first scan will help. It might also help to talk to someone understanding (or even a counsellor, I've found this useful).

    My other half has said that he has sometimes felt like this, was how he coped, but then he said that he found that even when trying to protect himself by being ambivalent / disconnected from the pregnancy it still hurt when it was lost, so he wished he'd enjoyed the weeks when I was pregnant more. Don't know if this makes sense, sorry if not.

    Take care.
     
  3. scaredmum2be

    scaredmum2be Well-Known Member

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    It does help thanks hun, my hubby doesnt really say anything i think hes more scared than anything with this one because its to soon.

    I think maybe the scan and seeing little un on the screen might make me feel different.

    my mum keeps telling me to relax and enjoy this pregnancy but i will only be able to do that if i know things will be alright lol x
     
  4. Scally

    Scally Well-Known Member

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    You do not sound horrible at all, both me and my OH were detached from this pregnancy until after the 12 week scan (Thats is when we found out we had lost Elmo in our previous pregnancy), even then we didnt fully begin to talk and get excited until 20 week scan. Everyone kept sayin not to worry and to enjoy the pregnancy, but its easier said than done when you have suffered a loss before, i can honestly say i never totally relaxed until she was in my arms. I did find a doppler helped me, if i ever felt a little worried i used to listen to her.
     
  5. scaredmum2be

    scaredmum2be Well-Known Member

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    i darent listen by a doppler because the first time i didnt even get the chance to hear the heartbeat :( so im scared if i cant hear one now before the scan. Although you have got me thinking bout buyin one if i can, might look on ebay for them? is that the proper name for it or do i need to look for it under a differnt name.

    i think i do sound horrible because i couldnt lie and say i didnt want this baby so what if people will tell the child when its older then the child would feel so unwanted and i know i was an unplanned baby.

    i dont know if im going over the top now lol.
    please let me know about this doppler thing :D much appreciated x
     
  6. Scally

    Scally Well-Known Member

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    We got a hi bebe doppler, with the LCD screen, it was expensive but so worth it. I would say though do not buy it until you are over 14 ish weeks, i didnt hear mine until then. I have just looked on e bay and u do search them under doppler, i have heard mixed reviews about the angel sounds one.

    U r honestly not horrible, i am sure nobody will tell your baby they were an unplanned but if they do u can tell them about all the feelings u felt. I am going to explain to Izzy when she is older about the LO we lost and how at first we didnt dare believe she would be ok, and how special she is because she made us have hope again. I still pinch myself and think how i thought this would never happen.

    At the moment all you are doing is protecting your heart from the hurt u experienced last time, nothing wrong with that, it is a coping mechanism. Very soon u r going to see your baby bouncing around on the screen, and then u can relax a little.

    We are all here to support u, feel free to pm me if u'd like x
     
  7. MissRhead

    MissRhead Well-Known Member

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    you will learn to hun, once youve been to that scan and you start feel him kicking. I felt the exact same xx
     
  8. scaredmum2be

    scaredmum2be Well-Known Member

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    Thank you guys, ive got 2 weeks until imn 12 weeks since miscarrying i thought midwife would of got me an early scan to put my mind at ease i think she will make it really hard for me so ill panic until ive seen on the screen but these 2 weeks are going to be horrible. :(

    im seeing the midwife sunday for blood tests so lets she hurrys up with it an then gets me in for a scan if she likes me that muchx
     
  9. Las78

    Las78 Mum to 3 beautiful girls

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    You know what hun, that first midwife appt I spent in tears, to a point I could hardly talk and my midwife booked me in for a scan next day just for reassurance. Don't be afraid to show how you feel x
     
  10. Jellyt

    Jellyt Evelyn's mummy!

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    What you're feeling is completely normal. I was a wreck at this stage. I too cried when I saw my midwife and she also booked me in for an early scan. If you let her know how you're feeling she might be able to help you? I also brought a doppler and didn't dare listen until I was 13 weeks and the heartbeat was very faint then but still reassuring. I'll be honest and say that i'm 24 weeks and still checking every time I go to the toilet and if I haven't felt her move in a couple of hours I can't relax until i've felt her. I don't think i'll stop worrying until she's in my arms. Up until being viable, I sort of told myself off every time I got excited because deep down I thought that I was going to lose her but now, i'm just beginning to think that this might be it! I know how hard these two weeks are going to be for you and I only got through it by keeping busy. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat because I know it can help to talk to other women like us who know what it's like to be pregnant after a loss. Plus, i'm 24 weeks pregnant now after three losses, hopefully that gives you some hope. I wish you lots of luck xxx
     

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