Think I have totaly messed up my life...

[Tamashii]

I have just joined this board - have been on it loads for info and advice but never wanted to actually post anything until today.

DS (age 2) has regressed wrt his sleep and is waking up every night and screaming the place down if we try to lie him back down in his cot. He was meant to be in a "big boy bed" by now and he talks about his new bed a lot but we have yet to get him to use it.

Anyway, after the past month of broken sleep and tensions running high with myself and OH, I am feeling really low with recurrent thoughts of how selfish I was to have DS when I am probably gonna die one day and he will be left alone to deal with it and I will be gone.

Also, I became SAHM to look after DS since we could not afford childcare but people have now pointed out to me that it may have been better to go back to work and try to go for promotion so that although it would cost to go back to work and we would at best be breaking even, I would be able to carry on up the pay grade and would not struggle to get a menial job later on when DS goes to nursery/school.

I did NOT realise just how difficult it would be to become a SAHM. My mum died just before I found out I was pregnant. She was fine one day and gone the next. I don't think I have come to terms with this at all and have been to see a counsellor about it but don't think it really helped me. I have realised I have no real friends in RL any more and everyone else works during the day so I am so lonely. I have crept into my shell a lot and stopped going to toddler groups etc cos they were just too stressful - I feel this is awful for DS as he is such an outgoing little boy and I am sure being at toddler group would be so good for him. I also feel guilty he doesn't go to nursery like my neices and nephews. He hardly sees his cousins either as their families are so busy with work/nursery then weekends with Grandparents.

I am not close with OH's family and they never want to babysit or anything to give OH and I a break. Our relationship was never that great but I didn't realise this until now - we hardly know each other any more.

I just feel like a total failure. I am in a relationship that I think is very one sided (OH is quite controlling and uncaring really although he says he loves me, the more women I meet with "normal" relationships, the more I realise your OH should be your best friend and care about you rather than berate you and talk about themselves ALL the time). I am a cr@p SAHM with no prospects or future and am losing all self esteem. I am treated like a second rate citizen. I have no real friends any more. Well, I have a couple of good friends but they are distancing themselves from me because I am like this (see above) so why would they wanna hang around me when I am being such self obsessed childish prat????????

I KNOW I am extremely lucky to have DS and I love him more than anything int he whole world ever. Ijust feel like he could have such a better Mum than me and am worried it will be him and his Dad against me when he is older as I doubt he can have much respect for me when I can hardly leave the house, have no hobbies anymore, fon't work and don't even take care of mysefl like I used to.

It may be sleep deprivation talking but I feel awful.

I don't even know what I expect anyone to say to this but I just needed to talk to someone. How did I get myself in this mess? (mentally I mean - I am really lucky to have OH who supports us and DS since I never thought I could have kids anyway! I am so lucky and privaleged and I feel like this? How pathetic am I?)

 

[2ndtimeAbz]

I wish I could give you a hug!

From what I can read from this, you are NOT a cr@p SAHM, you love your son and that is the most important thing.
You need to give yourself a break, even when it feels like everything is falling apart there is always a way .

Have you spoken to your OH about any of this?

I know how you feel about the friends thing (all my old friends are still living it up in uni!). The internet is really the best tool you have, there are many opportunities if you have a good look, great for meeting people. (The toddler group where I used to live was awful, so I went and found an arty thing at the museum which was free and maddy loves it).

Don't put yourself down or write yourself off on the work front. It might be worth seeing if ur entitled to any free training which could help you get back to work (even a couple of days) a long as you havent done a degree there is plenty of free training available, with free creches too sometimes.

Then when your son goes to school you won't be on the bottom rung of the ladder .

You're a mum and its brilliant, but don't forget who you were before you had your son, what made you happy before?

I hope this has helped, even if its just a tiny bit,

Remember, you're not on ur own,

Take care,
Abz

 

[Tamashii]

I wish I could give you a hug!

From what I can read from this, you are NOT a cr@p SAHM, you love your son and that is the most important thing.
You need to give yourself a break, even when it feels like everything is falling apart there is always a way .

Have you spoken to your OH about any of this?

I know how you feel about the friends thing (all my old friends are still living it up in uni!). The internet is really the best tool you have, there are many opportunities if you have a good look, great for meeting people. (The toddler group where I used to live was awful, so I went and found an arty thing at the museum which was free and maddy loves it).

Don't put yourself down or write yourself off on the work front. It might be worth seeing if ur entitled to any free training which could help you get back to work (even a couple of days) a long as you havent done a degree there is plenty of free training available, with free creches too sometimes.

Then when your son goes to school you won't be on the bottom rung of the ladder .

You're a mum and its brilliant, but don't forget who you were before you had your son, what made you happy before?

I hope this has helped, even if its just a tiny bit,

Remember, you're not on ur own,

Take care,
Abz

Thanks for your reply. I don't know what happened to me today but I just really felt so trapped and awful. I ended up taking DS out for a walk and to the local park for the whole day really and was hoping OH would be back from work when we got in. Got home after 5pm to an answer message from OH - he has to work tonight so I am on my own. On one hand I am actually quite relieved since only I will have to deal with DS at bedtime so won't have to deal with OH stress levels and shouting.

Anyway, I have kind of talked to OH about everything but he isn't really interested any more and just kind of switched off. Things aren't great between us just now but I have been thinking maybe they never have and I just put up with it but now we have DS and we should be pulling together, his stubborn attitude and not liking to be "told what to do" (eg agree on a bedtime routine/how to deal with sleep issues) are causing real problems but if we talk about it he just goes off in the huff and leaves me stewing.

Thanks for your comments. I really like the idea of checking out museums in the city for any toddler activities they might have on. I seem to be stuck thinking toddler groups are the only way apart from nursery!

I'm gonna have a glass of wine tonight once LO is tucked up in bed and maybe watch some SATC cheer myself up