Think I might have chanded my mind about having more kids

[Goods]

Hi all

My son is 8 months old and pretty much from the day he was born, I was on such a high I said I definitely wanted another baby. Well fast forward and now I'm having doubts.

My son was an absolutely amazingly easy going baby, ate great, slept well and was always very pleasant, to the point where I was thanking my lucky stars to being blessed with him. The last few months however, he is getting increasingly more demanding. Everyone said as the months go on it will get easier but I'm finding the opposite. Also with teething, he's been up at night quite a bit which is new to me.

So anyway, now I'm beginning to have those worries that I'm scared of having another who isn't so easy going and will only get worse. I'm self employed and work from home so my work is already suffering. Also, my DH doesn't want another one (he didn't particularly want DS either). I always pictured myself with 2 kids and I know DH would probably come round if I pushed it but now I'm wondering is DH right and we should just be a family of 3?

No offence to one child families out there, I know there are loads of benefits to it, which is why I'm seriously considering it but there's a part of me that thinks an only child can be a wee bit lonely always being surrounded by adults. We have no close family nearby for him to grow up with, I'm sure he will make friends etc when he's older but...I dunno.

Also, I look at other families and think, I'm being a bit selfish. Other mums throw themselves wholeheartedly into motherhood whereas I still like being me and having my own business etc. I just don't want to leave it too late before realising I was wrong and should have had another.

Any advice or similar experiences would be great.

x

 

[Lau88]

I have 2 children, 3.5 and 7months. Both have been exactly like your ds, easy baby and gradually more demanding, my eldest started being really demanding around 9ish months but it didn't really last long. I was like you at one point and questioning another child even as we were ttc. I'd always said I wanted three but when it came to thinking of two I really did doubt myself, my abilities, my skills to divide my time. But honestly the second my youngest met my eldest I knew I'd made the best choice of my life in giving her a sibling. I won't lie its not been easy, my eldest did go through some jealousy and my youngest is going through a demanding phase, but from experience I know its just that, a phase.

If you feel you would be happy to just have ds then that's great but once this phase passes you may find yourself wondering what if. Give yourself a break, you're you as well as a mum and there's no harm in wanting to feel like yourself instead of just being defined as a mother. Take it a step at a time and decide when you feel the moment is right for your family.x

 

[MindUtopia]

I think give it some time and see how you feel. I found the time from 8 to 11 months to be the hardest, with teething, sleep, and separation anxiety. It was just really draining. We knew we wanted to have more from the start, but it really wasn't until past 18 months when I ever could have seen it being possible. Now that our daughter is 2, she's more independent and fun to be around. She does really funny things. She can communicate. It's just a lot more enjoyable. So give it time and see how you feel. That said, if you decide you don't want more, having/being an only child is pretty cool too. I was an only child and I loved it. I never felt lacking in friends. I got to do lots of things I probably wouldn't have been able to do if my parents had had more (activities, classes, better schools they couldn't have afforded with more than one). And I had lots of friends and was never lonely at all. So it's good too.

 

[Goods]

Awe, thanks for your lovely comments ladies.

I'm now thinking if we do have another, maybe have a bigger gap than I originally thought??? I know you get the hard work out of the way sooner by having them closer but my logic is, when DS goes to school I can could concentrate all my time on the new baby. I'll definitely won't be considering if any sooner than DS turning 2. 2 under 2 just seems so much harder.

 

[superfrizbee]

DD was and still is an easy going child (most of the time, she is a toddler after all, and had her bad patches). I found her sleep at 7-8 months was actually worse that as a newborn. I think it was a developmental thing, learning to babble, crawl, cruise etc. They just have a lot going on. DS is also a happy baby but a bit of a pain in the bum asides from medical history, he sleeps horribly anf had vad eczema which is now pretty controlled. He's nosey and a pain in the butt to feed because the slightest noise and he's off the boob. He gets trapped wind a lot. He's the more difficult baby, but oh am I soooo glad I have him! I guess what I'm saying is you never know what kind of baby you'll get and you'll hit bumps a long the way, but I don't know anyone who has regretted their second child! That said if you do truly just want one that's absolutely fine too! With your lo at 8 months old you still have lots of time to make that decision.

 

[Googiepie]

I wanted to have 4 four kids. I always liked the idea of having a big family. There's only my sister and I and we're 6 years apart so we weren't the closest growing up. I always wanted my kids to have that bond but after two traumatic births, first with forceps causing nerve damage in her face and second getting stuck and coming out blue barely breathing and having to be worked on after birth, I now know I don't want anymore. (That was the longest sentence ever, lol). I'm happy my girls have each other and are close in age. I'm like you I feel like an only child might be a bit lonely.

There's nothing wrong with liking being you and having your own business.

 

[Beanonorder]

My dd has gone from being an extremely easy baby to quite a handful as a toddler. I've been lucky that ds is a pretty easy baby too. But that said, right now I feel like I should have waited longer and had a slightly bigger age gap. Currently it's 2y3m. But I'm hoping that with time I'll feel this is the right age gap.

 

[AK89]

I don't think there's such a thing as leaving it too late really.. So many people put pressure on themselves to have another baby by the time their firstborn is however old and I think it's stupid! Well, it's not for me anyway haha.. I always planned on having more than one but since having my DD I've started to have doubts too, for a few reasons; I think I'd feel guilty bringing another baby into the mix, like I'd have to split my love between them, and cos my DD would have to share me! And cos I can't imagine going through all I've gone through for the past 6 months and will continue to go through with another older child as well!)

I know at some point in the future I'm gonna get broody and want another, and I sometimes dwell on it and stress myself out. But then I remind myself to just take each day as it comes. If I want another in the future, I want another! If I don't I don't. I'm definitely in no rush. I don't think it's necessary for there to be a certain age gap or whatever, like a lot of people seem to do. There are benefits and disadvantages to every type of age gap and I don't wanna make my decision on when/if to have another child based on that!

 

[lisaalove]

I had always wanted mine close in age but honestly I am so happy that my boys are four and a half years apart. My eldest will be starting kindergarten this year and I will be able to spend more time focusing on baby in a few months without my oldest feeling jealous. (As I can tell he does now) With my first the first 6 months were difficult and after that it got easier as he started sleeping more at night. Yes every child is different and that in itself is scary and thinking of trying to split your time between two kids is hard but honestly I found it wasn't very much different with two compared to having one. Though I do say this and I am only a little over a week into having two. I did have doubts like you are except mine didn't come till I was already pregnant with #2!
By the way wanting you own space and time is perfectly okay and normal that doesn't have anything to do with your being a good mother! Good luck with whatever you chose

 

[ay2808]

I found 12-18 months with dd1 really difficult and after having a 3rd degree tear I was in no rush to have another. I knew we wanted another and I always assumed they would be about 2.5 years apart. We have just had dd2 and the age gap is 3.5 and is working out really well for us. Dd1 is reasonably independent and can help plus she is in pre school 3 afternoons a week. Some days are really hard but you still have plenty of time to decide.

 

[mayacat]

It's a big decision! And one where there's no right answer for everyone. Maybe having two a few years apart will allow you to raise your current child a bit first, get past the baby stage before having another? One coworker of my husband's a while back went to the extremes and had 7 years between each of her 3 kids!

I was set on planning to only have two kids up until DD was born 4 weeks ago (turns out hubby wasn't "set" but would be happy with two) but now we're both willing to go up to 4 if we decide to. That's not for sure, there are a ton of variables involved like if he makes enough money for me to stay home for a long time and if I want to give up on work for a few years to do it since child care is expensive, and if we can still travel with 4 kids in tow (sailing down the coast for a year with the kids is something we really want to do, but two different grades to home school is easier than four) and how much we can afford to put into education.

Whatever you decide will end up being the right choice . I know several people who grew up as only children who were fine and many who have multiple siblings. You make due with what you have

 

[MrsT&Ben]

Why the rush to have another baby? There is no rule that says you must have your next baby with in a set amount of time. I always knew I wanted a second child but was in no hurry to have it. There is 4&1/2 years between my babies and I adore the age gap. My son was high needs from the start and still is now tbh. I couldn't of coped with a younger age gap.
I think you know if you are done or not. Don't put so much pressure on yourself xx

 

[snickersbar]

I could have written your post.

0-3 months she was a dream, since 4 months have been a nightmare where it's felt like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She's been so demanding and we're at the stage where she still can't sit or do much on her own so she's frustrated, I'm frustrated.

I was desperate to have another quickly (it took us a while to conceive her and I'm 35 so i understand that to some, yes there is a time issue). Now the thought of pregnancy (which was bad enough the first time when i had the luxury of staying in bed) plus dd is terrifying.

No advice but wanted to let you know you're not alone.

 

[Goods]

Thanks all for your responses.

There is no real rush I suppose, it's more for me to either try to persuade DH to have another, which will take a lot of work and some arguments or just be grateful for what I've got and move on to whatever's coming next in life.

We were doing some spring cleaning and he mentioned getting rid of his old bed or selling it. I said no, just in case to which he replied 'no chance'! This would usually start my arguments for having another but I was just so tired I seriously couldn't muster the energy, which led me to think...maybe he's right.

I'll give a year I think and see if I still can't bear to part with DS's
Clothes etc. lol.