Think im done but not sure

[Cloudy7]

So the other day oh agreed that in a couple of years we'd start trying again after a few months of me saying id like another. Well the day he agreed i was overjoyed but now ive kind of got cold feet about it all, we have a 6yr old and a 3yr old. We're no where near financially ready for one anytime soon so the 2yr wait is a must but i worry that by then our 2 will be at an age where life will finally be a breeze.

I think most of my longing for another comes from the fact that im only 25 i cant imagine never doing it all again i feel like im still far too young to stop but i know its logical to stop at 2. Im kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place, i know if we went on to have another id have to battle with my guilt on the other 2 for the first couple of years, spend say the first year struggling to have the energy for all 3 what with the early morning school runs, sleepless nights etc. But then i also worry that if i never have another I might be living the rest of my life feeling somewhat incomplete.

We've agreed that we will come back to it at the beginning of next year so i guess i have plenty of time to think about it. Sorry ive rambled on a bit! Anyone else in similar situation? Or been in a similar situation and can share their story?

 

[jessicasmum]

Following this post because I too feel unsure if I'm done or not. The goal posts have kept moving for us as we had our 1st in 2005 and I had experienced traumatic birth and then it played a massive part on my mental health so for years we were back and forth over if we would have a 2nd. Eventually in 2014 we had our 2nd which was a massive 9 year gap. So we wanted to have a 3rd closer in age and we did 4 months ago with an exact 27 month gap between them. I originally before having my 1st only wanted 2 kids but that changed to 3 and now out of the blue when I thought we were totally done I'm crazily back and forth over having a 4th! I'm really not sure if having another is right for us but it's not something we need to decide straight away.

 

[LoveCakes]

I'm unsure either. It took us a few years to have my LG so we started sooner than we probably would have otherwise and ended up with a 23 month age gap. It's been a great gap but if we had another I'd want longer, ideally three years.

My main reason as wanting to get my career going again (I took a year off with dd then was pregnant 3 months after I went back) and being scared how I'd cope with 3. My hubby works away at least one week a month and though I have good family support it can be hard enough with 2. Also same as you if we waited till my two are 5 and 3 we'd be past the nappies, sleepless nights stage only to start all over again.

I guess how I feel is that I'm pretty sure I'm fine but if someone said no you can't I'd be devastated.

 

[Smille24]

I'm unsure as well.

It took us 2.5 yrs to get pregnant with my 2nd and ended up needing assistance. After she was born we decided to ntnp in hopes to get pregnant unexpectedly. I wanted a 18-24 month age gap if possible. I've recently had a change of heart. I love my girls. However, my dh works A LOT sometimes it's like he doesn't exist. I feel overwhelmed with raising 2 kids and trying to juggle school events and sports alone. We've had a discussion recently and I told him how I feel and that I'm probably done having kids. He thinks it's a phase and says he wants another. Maybe it's the exhaustion talking, but I'm sort of content with not adding to our family.

 

[Cloudy7]

Sorry for the late reply ladies i havent been online in almost 2 months.

Im constantly back and forward on what i want. But atm im all for another one. I need to get back to work first though, i lost my job a few hours before i found out i was pregnant with our first 6 years ago and never worked since. Life was comfortable with just oh wage and i got to raise the children so it was a no brainer really but if we want #3 i really need to be working we couldnt possibly stretch without really struggling. But then 3 children and a full time job (plus oh working permanent nights) sounds awful haha. I absolutely know logically stopping at 2 is a good idea but whats the fun in that

 

[jessicasmum]

Cloudy7: I thought that was funny when you said that about stopping at 2 but where's the fun in that, I just thought my thoughts exactly of me stopping with 3

 

[WackyMumof2]

My magical number was always 3 with 4 being a possibility.

We had DS1 and DS2 and by the time DS2 was 3-4 months old, we KNEW he had ADHD. He was just so different. We started seeking a formal diagnosis at 2 and kept getting told 'he's being a normal kid'. It didn't matter that we lived with him but we clearly 'didn't know what we were talking about'. So we gave up on ever having a #3 because he was so full on. 5.5 he was FINALLY diagnosed at the severe end of the spectrum and it's been no walk in the park for any of us but medication helps.

I was working long, late hours sometimes up to 14 days or double shifts in a row over Christmas and New Years that I must have not been on the ball 100% with my BC that I fell pregnant. We don't know if I'd missed some or I'd been that run down it just became non-effective. It took me a LONG time to come to terms with it because I just didn't want to deal with a new baby when no one actually bothering about our needs and our ADHD'ers meds. But we got that pushed though after a formal medical complaint, had his meds increased and while he's still full on, he manageable. And strangely enough, I don't know if it's part and parcel of him getting older or if it's that he feels the need to protect his baby brother, that he's actually calmed down a lot when I think about it. With that in mind, we have proceeded with #4. Hubby is a full-time Dad while I work part-time and study full-time. We know money is going to be tight but we also know we can do it. And it's only a small sacrifice. I get to finish my papers and enjoy a career after having my family rather than taking time out to have a baby while DS3 will have a brother or sister close in age to grow up with. It's not what everyone would take a chance on but I wanted my forth pregnancy over and done with this year. It's going to be hard (I will have 17 months between DS3 and #4) but we made it work with an very unexpected third baby I am pretty sure we can manage with a planned forth.

 

[jessicasmum]

Wackymumof2: I'm in a similar situation with my 2nd child, she doesn't have ADHD but has autism, she's not had the full diagnosis yet but she's at the start and after just 1 paediatrician appointment she said she thinks it is autism, we will get the proper diagnosis by the time the year is out. We had #3 before we knew there was something proper wrong with #2, we just made excuses really that she'd catch up but i think i knew before she was 18 months that there was something.
We had a big age gap between #1 and #2 so wanted our #3 to have a closer age gap so they could play and grow up together close. With autism though our #2 doesn't really noticed #3 and she's off in her own world, it's upsetting because even at age just 6 months #3 loves the attention and always gets excited to see and be near both our other children. So with that in mind we would love #3 to have a little brother or sister to play with but obviously we don't know of the risk of either #3 having autism or our future #4 also.

 

[WackyMumof2]

Wackymumof2: I'm in a similar situation with my 2nd child, she doesn't have ADHD but has autism, she's not had the full diagnosis yet but she's at the start and after just 1 paediatrician appointment she said she thinks it is autism, we will get the proper diagnosis by the time the year is out. We had #3 before we knew there was something proper wrong with #2, we just made excuses really that she'd catch up but i think i knew before she was 18 months that there was something.
We had a big age gap between #1 and #2 so wanted our #3 to have a closer age gap so they could play and grow up together close. With autism though our #2 doesn't really noticed #3 and she's off in her own world, it's upsetting because even at age just 6 months #3 loves the attention and always gets excited to see and be near both our other children. So with that in mind we would love #3 to have a little brother or sister to play with but obviously we don't know of the risk of either #3 having autism or our future #4 also.

The hardest part is when you know there is something going on but you just want to be listened to and taken seriously. Sounds like you are going to have that so awesome news!! I just wish it hadn't taken so long with DS2 for us. How hubby and I didn't split I don't know. But he understands him (he has ADHD as well) so he tries to help me understand. He really is my rock.

We knew that ADHD was a very real possibility when we found out I was pregnant the first time. A lot of hubby's family have it and I think my brother does but was never formally diagnosed as it was not something that many doctors liked to do in the 90's. Give your #2 time. They will take notice of #3 and you may get that unbreakable and protective bond. DS2 is so protective of DS3 and I think that's helped with managing his ADHD because he doesn't want to hurt him. And your #4 will just slot right on in when you get around to it too.

 

[jessicasmum]

Wackymumof2: Yeah it is great that we are getting the help early as i know so many people that don't and have a big long battle, I just think it must seem more apparent with my daughter.

That's great how close and supportive your hubby has been My hubby is too as but like you know yourself through the bad patches I'm feeling how are we still together but we already been through a lot before DC2 and still together.

Sorry if I've misread but did you say you are pregnant now with DC4?
I think it's lovely that your DC2 is protective of of DC3

I think with autism most people think that they don't like to interact with others which at the moment is the case with our child with other children but likes to interact with me and hubby and the teachers at the playgroup a little so I see there is hope that she will in time maybe take interest with our other children, she doesnt make eye contact at times so and says a random word which she wont repeat but I live in hope of speach and more interactions.

 

[WackyMumof2]

jessicasmum, every single diagnosis is different. Different circumstances will do that. Mind you, we were under so many people that didn't want to listen I just really started doubting something was going on and as a parent, that's not fair. It plays with your sanity and emotions. Glad hubby is supportive. And it takes a STRONG couple to get through everything life throws at them when there is a child with noticeable differences involved. You've made it this far so if you ever feel down, just focus on that and then think about carrying that though to the future.

You did read right. Forth and last baby on the way. I can't do a fifth round. Lol.

The problems with Autism, ADHD, Down's Syndrome, Cerebral Palsy etc is that people are afraid to interact. I don't think it's the child but the condition the child may have. I think they are scared of what is different if that makes any sense. I was VERY fortunate that I went to school with 2 little boys with Down's Syndrome and my mother and her sister were their aides. One was able to communicate and speak with us and would have us in fits on laughter because he just liked to clown around and make others laugh where as the other child was severely disabled in regards to his walking and could really only communicate in grunts and squeals - mainly due to a very premature birth that he wasn't expected to survive. But he did and he, along with the other boy are amazing people and that is down to the people who played important rolls in their lives. I remember my mother saying that she used to sit Jarred (the boy who was more severely disabled than the other) down at the computer because he loved it and whenever she would go to help him he would smack her hand and tell her off. Lol. They are such bright kids!! People forget that a disability doesn't make them 'broken' and with time, patience and understanding, people learn this and interact with them very, very easily. I have a friend who's twins were very prem too. Unfortunately, one of her babies didn't make it and the one who did has a lot of delay issues and has Asperger's. For years I couldn't understand her but in the last couple of years her speech has just really taken off and she just won't keep quiet. Given, I have to listen carefully to what she's saying but I understand her now. Your little one, no matter that she may only say a word here and there at a time, has shown she's able to communicate, interact and speak in some degrees. Encourage her, nurture her and you will one day be looking at how far she has come. Every little thing is progress and that is something you and your partner can be proud of because that is the hard work and dedication of you both. She sounds very special.

 

[Cloudy7]

My friend knew with her son from very early on that something wasn't quite the same as her first, luckily at the beginning she had a lot of support from her health visitor who managed to find a free nursery place for him from 1yr old (she was a single parent and struggling with his behaviour massively) but similar to your experience doctors just wouldn't listen. She finally got a diagnosis for him but not until he was around 4-5 that he had autism. I'm not sure if he's been diagnosed with ADHD but that is what she initially thought he had. He recently got expelled from his mainstream school (the school were really quite poor at actually helping/understanding his needs) and he's now temporarily in a specialist school and is coming on leaps and bounds so hopefully she can find a similar school permanently. Is ADHD/autism something that is higher risks with later children just with you both mentioning your concerns with further children?

slightly off topic but my son was friends with a little girl who had developmental delays, her speech was so bad she had to learn sign language and honestly the moment he would be with her he was like a different child he was so caring, if she was struggling to feed herself he would feed her without even being asked to. He would just light up as soon as he seen her. I think that is and always will be one of my proudest moments. To know that I'm raising a young man that at 3yr old could understand that someone needed support and offered it time and time again.

 

[WackyMumof2]

Is ADHD/autism something that is higher risks with later children just with you both mentioning your concerns with further children?

Autism I believe is a gene mutation (don't quote me though) and it's been proven that there is a genetic link with ADHD (asthma is the same). Because hubby has ADHD, then we knew there was a risk that our children could also be. But I think the gene is passed down from the mother (hubby found that info somewhere) which is strange because I don't think there is any confirmed ADHD on my side. I think my brother does and they think I do but I refuse to be tested because I refuse to know at 32 when I have never had to worry before. And it won't help me understand my son anyhow. I have to understand me before I can understand him so I choose to not know and to help him where ever I can.

Either way, regardless of what ever difficulties children face, it upsets me when they are excluded. It's never the child people are scared of but the underlying condition and that is generally due to lack of understanding.

 

[jessicasmum]

Wackymumof2: Thank you my daughter is a very special girl, even though through the hard times it is hard to to keep positive but then there are little moments where it makes you proud and have hope like last week playgroup teacher said she said "no" to her and the week before that she got star of the week.

Congratulations on your pregnancy how far along are you?

Do you mind me asking is your son in a special needs school? This is something we have got to think about because in January we will have to apply for a nursery place within a school for her start September 2018, I think the option of her going a mainstream school is probably going to be taken out of our hands any way with her not talking and she's isn't toilet trained due to her none verbal, I'm not sure as the more and more i think about it I don't think i would want her to go to mainstream as you hear a lot that special needs children getting bullied at mainstream schools. Going to be hard to pick a special needs school for us though because the one in our area we would definitely not send her due to it was in the papers back in 2014 that 3 children had been mistreated there, there is a autism unit right near our house that's connected to a school that would be good for her to attend but i think it is for mild autism and i dont know if she would be classed as this because she cant talk yet, i dont think she'll be classed as severe though at all.

I know what you mean about people not wanting to interact with autistic, ADHD etc people because it's like they don't understand them so it's like they are scared of the unknown really and like you said they are all amazing and unquie in their own ways and can be so bright also. With that in mind this is why for many years now I've wanted to take the plundge and hopefully become a special needs teaching assistant, i think once I've had #4 and Jasmine (DD2) is in school that this would be my oppertutity to hopefully get a voluntary placement and then do a course, just don't know if I'm good enough for the role though, just something I've felt passionate about for sometime.


Cloudy7: autism can be genetic which I'm not sure is the case in our family yet as there has not been any others with diagnosed autism as of yet, it can be just one of them things.

Awww that is so sweet about your son being so caring towards the little girl with development delays