Tired of being defined as a mother

[MrsClark24]

I am currently invisible. When I ring friends and family their first question is "How is baby?" I'm the last thing that people ask about. Even husband doesn't seem to notice, goes straight to the gym then looks at how little cleaning I've done all day. (He is very critical and thinks that I sit back and drink tea all day) Strangers talk to DD (obviously) but I'm just sensitive to it at the moment I think. For example, when I Skype my family and my daughter isn't in the shot, literally the first thing they say is "Where's Aria?" I don't get a hello or anything!

As a mother I'm so proud and happy that my baby gets th love and attention that I think she deserves, I love how much my family and friends care for her. But as a woman I feel like I'm defined as "just a mother" and that that my daughter is the only thing in my life. I am my own person still and I sometimes need more than baby talk and mummy groups! I don't have man friends anyway, and I'm sick of being ignored as people talk to my baby.

I'm sorry if this sounds self pitying, but it's genuinely how I feel. I feel just invisible and like I'm "just a mum".

Anyone else feel like this?

 

[Becky61]

All the time.

EVERYONE always asks about my LO before anything else. I've got used to it.

I do make time to see friends without LO though. Coffee mornings & baby groups are all fun, but I do enjoy a pub get together over a bottle of wine with a girlfriend. OH & I also have date night roughly once a fortnight, when LO is at his dads. After the initial worry of not being with my LO, I actually enjoy these precious times to be a "woman" again.

Could you find time to do things like this?

I hold my hands up & will admit that when I talk to any of my mummy friends, my instinct is to ask after their children

I see your in Hampshire too x

 

[RaspberryK]

Yes I feel the same too!
And my husband has a similar attitude.
No advice here, my little boy is 2.5 and nothing has changed.
Xx

 

[impatient1]

My mom doesn't even ask about me. I appreciate that she asks about the girls but it would be nice if MIL or My mom asked.

 

[youngmamttc]

Yeah you get used to it, I think we all go through exactly the same thing lol, Its annoying to begin with x

 

[MrsClark24]

Thanks ladies, I'm glad that I'm not alone in this.

Hubby is the the military and we constantly move around, we have just moved again and so have no family or friends in this area at the moment and I'm struggling to make friends, so date nights and that seem a distant memory at the moment. Unless I get a baby sitter, but I don't know anyone here to baby sit for us!

I'm sad to hear it doesn't let up, like I say I'm happy that Aria gets the attention she deserves but I also need some too!

Thanks for being so understanding!

 

[RaspberryK]

On the baby sitting note if you look up on the Internet there's people registered childminders etc that will babysit for £4-6 an hour.
I'm currently considering this, there's even a granny in our village willing to babysit and do housework at the same time.
Xx

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

Hugs xxx

 

[Kate&Lucas]

It used to bother me quite a lot when he was smaller. Also when I was pregnant, I felt like I was just seen as a vessel for the little person they wanted to meet and I felt really forgotten. I mean I got baby clothes for Christmas that year, oooh it wound me up probably more than it should have.
I found that it wore off a lot though. It was just people's excitement over having a new baby in the family and as he's gotten older they've gradually sort of remembered I also exist as a person and not 'just' his mother.

 

[KayBea]

where have you just moved to hun?

you will get used to it, people have learnt to ask how i am now as when they asked how LO was ide say 'shes fine & so am i thanks for asking, how are you'? lol xx

 

[seoj]

I do think that is very common- especially when we first have babies. People see these new squishy little adorable creatures- lol. And they put their attention on them, of course. So yea, we kinda get pushed aside in the process. But as our LO's grow- even though we still have more converstaions about our kids with friends/family... you will find a way to keep yourself in there too. Others will notice what a great Mom you are and ask how you do it all!

Like mentioned- try to find groups or make other mommy friends and find time to get together and let the kids play and focus on adult talk while they do! Plus, whenever possible, do something JUST for you. Yes- your a mom now-- and that will define you the rest of your life in so many amazing ways-- but it's not the only thing that defines you.

I do like what KayBea mentioned- that if they ask about your LO, say "yes, I'm great too! Thanks for asking."- sometimes people just need to hear that

 

[amazed]

I used to feel like that but now I just don't care lol.

 

[CRWx]

I wish I was defined as a mother.

 

[TTCabundle]

I wish I was defined as a mother.

Me too!

I can definitely see how this could get annoying though! I love the advice pp gave "she's fine and so am I, thanks for asking" I think after saying that people would eventually realise that you do still exist! I think the excitement of a baby takes over and people forget!
Remember to make time for you.to be you and not just 'mum' x

 

[jenny82]

I hate it too, but it's not other people making me feel that way, it is myself. So I try to do things that do not define me as the one side of my life. I study (or try to anyway!), volunteer, get out and do things for just me. Obviously I'm a bit hampered at the minute but I can't wait until a few months down the line as I have a few nice plans for myself in the evenings.

You can't really change how people perceive you but you can change your reaction to their perception..if that makes sense!

 

[dani_tinks]

You do kind of get used to it. I used to feel the same but once you accept that's the way it goes it sort of gets easier! I make sure I do things for myself, like see friends without my son & go to dance twice a week as a hobby.

 

[Equreuil]

My husband also makes me feel like an object to have sex with, and sometimes an ATM, so I guess I can't say I'm made to feel like I'm treated like nothing, aside from a mother.

 

[Mrs R]

Having spent many years trying to have my children, I find opinions like this very upsetting. Of course I respect your right to express and I do understand what you mean to an extent, but I think I would speak for a lot of women when I say that being defined as a mother is my biggest achievement in life.

You have achieved something (motherhood) that so many women struggle with, and many never attain. Please don't wish it away because you no longer get the attention you used to. I have 3 very young children and I can't remember the last time somebody asked me about my job, my interests, my life outside the home etc. but I don't care. I'm more than happy to Totally commit myself to these precious few years where my children are tiny. Why would I want to take the attention away from them?
I'm afraid it all sounds a bit selfish and ego-centric to me

 

[jenny82]

Having spent many years trying to have my children, I find opinions like this very upsetting. Of course I respect your right to express and I do understand what you mean to an extent, but I think I would speak for a lot of women when I say that being defined as a mother is my biggest achievement in life.

You have achieved something (motherhood) that so many women struggle with, and many never attain. Please don't wish it away because you no longer get the attention you used to. I have 3 very young children and I can't remember the last time somebody asked me about my job, my interests, my life outside the home etc. but I don't care. I'm more than happy to Totally commit myself to these precious few years where my children are tiny. Why would I want to take the attention away from them?
I'm afraid it all sounds a bit selfish and ego-centric to me

I don't mind people asking about my kids at all. I love it and it doesn't bother me that people (like my mum, in laws etc) care more about them than me - it's pretty much a given!

However, I recognise that in me, I need more mental stimulation than what I am provided with during the day. I don't complain about it and it does not impact them at all, I just set out to make sure my head as well as my heart is taken care of. I don't think that is selfish at all although I don't think you were referring to me anyway in your post, I just thought I'd make that clear.

 

[Mrs R]

Hi jenny1982

I'm lucky that I work part time and that is what keeps me sane! However my first priority will always be my children, and at this stage in their very young lives, I believe it is my job to be there for them as much as humanly possible. I do understand that mummies who stay at home with their children may very well feel that they are nothing in life except a mummy. But I feel it is very sad that the original poster is 'tired' of being defined as a mother. It is the most important (and stressful) job in the world, but I personally will never tire of it. I simply don't understand that mentality and it makes me sad that a mother is tired of her job because her child gets more attention than she does.