to be or not to be thats the question

[dnlfinker]

Hi ,

Its me again going crazy ! I have been offline for several days , kind of feeling
down lately. I checked online and there were some women who got BFN but then turned out that they were positive afterall the next month.

I am now 16 days into what was suppose to be my next cycle. Last month I used about 20 sticks and they were all negative! AF didnt show her ugly head either!
About 9 days after the Af was due , it looks like I ovulated but now thinking about it , it could be because of the night before.

I was trying to keep quiet for a bit , just read what others write on the forum , but I cant take it anymore , I have the need to vent

Ps I am also noticing waves of nausea , that probably doesnt exist and just my imagination running wild

 

[KamIAm]

Ooooo!!! Really??? I have heard of that as well!!!

I have everything crossed for you my dear!!! you HAVE to report back here ...Oh like..maybe every 15 minutes with detailed reports on how you are feeling..

 

[dnlfinker]

Ooooo!!! Really??? I have heard of that as well!!!

I have everything crossed for you my dear!!! you HAVE to report back here ...Oh like..maybe every 15 minutes with detailed reports on how you are feeling..

Kelly , its just my imagination i promise! I was really upset with not getting AF. Its like stumbling on a rock that I cant pass over. I wish I could look into positive of this , but I cant. Actually maybe its better that I dont become pregnant yet because I have not been taking good care of myself lately. I started good with taking all the vitams and stuff and now its been a wild . I just keep forgetting , I am really iresponsible mother/ dont deserve to be pregnant again. When I was pregnant with Emmunah , i was really bad at taking my vitamins . I just keep thinking that maybe I have failed her . Her bones didnt develop good and thats why she had all of this issues.

I am very undecided and confused right now, I dont know what is good anymore! I want to be pregnant again but then I am afraid to fail my baby like I did before

 

[KamIAm]

Natalie... dont' make me drive all the way up there and whip your butt (haha) and then of course give you hugs.. YOU did absolutely NOTHING to your daughter, NOTHING!!! So what if you forgot to take your vitamins, that did NOT hurt her ... I know it's easier said than done but you have to believe that...
I know, I still struggle with those very thoughts as well but I remind myself (daily) to breath and that I done my best for Em' ... You did too! This is just a very hard journey ...battle... Everyone has good days and bad days... We'll just try to pick you back up and make it thru another day babe..

 

[kiki04]

I agree with Kelly!! Not taking those vitamins did not hurt Emmunah at all I got sick with them with my first so took them at bedtime. My second I took them for the first tri then withered away to not taking them. My third took them for the first few weeks then withered away to none... With Hadlee I was on a special one.. a good one prescibed by my dr and I WAS taking them every day... and thats the one that didnt make it. I promise you it had nothing to do with those darn vitamins

 

[Andypanda6570]

Natalie,
Please , you are so hard on yourself for everything. Why? You are such a good person and a wonderful mother , Natalie.. You deserve to have as many children as you want. The vitamins had nothing to do with this, please do not blame yourself. Every-time we talk I love you more and more, you listen to me and help me, so how can you sit her and blame yourself, you can't.
It hurts me very much to see you like this, I love you and please know nothing was your fault, nothing.

 

[Nikki_d72]

You do seem to be beating yourself up a lot at the moment hon, please don't. Nothing you did caused Emmunah's problems, please believe that. You are a great mother and absolutely deserve none of what has happened to you in losing your little girl.

As for your cycle, I would treat it as late ovulation and BD like crazy just in case! I noticed hellish nausea yesterday, all day, getting worse at night, and I was thinking WTH? Then I got the most impressive Ovulation pains I've ever had. I googled it and nausea can be a symptom of Ovulation for some women, due to the suddenly increasing hormones. I've never had it before but as I don't think I Ov'ed last month it may have built up more hormones this time maybe? Maybe the same for you? We're just guessing really, aren't we? You may as well try to catch it and if it turns out you are already pregnant, then all the better but if not, then you may just catch that late arriving egg!

Good luck hon, I hope this is your month, one way or the other. hope you feel a bit more positive soon too sweet. xxx

 

[dnlfinker]

Its always all is good or all is bad. I guess its a period of bad. Its like i know were i failed last time and i am angry that i making same mistake over again! I been temping to trick my husband to rock my toddler to sleep. I think i need it more then she does. I just need 5-10 min to hold her tight everyday. I have images comming in, of me holding her in the hospital, it was like yesterday. I wonder what Emmunah would look like.....etc.

This women in the elevator told me that i should stArt working to have mor e kids, i was going to answer her "what do you know!" but OH was there , i had to keep silent.

Sorry i am being a drama queen ,venting helps a lot

 

[OliveBay]

Don't apologise for venting - its best to get it out rather than keeping it all in.

I'm sorry your cycle seems to playing silly tricks on you. I hope it sorts itself out soon so you know where you stand. Sometimes I think the human body is an amazing and miraculous thing, but other times it just goes a bit haywire which is so frustrating. Sending you lots of love and positive thoughts

 

[Bride2b]

I'm sorry your having a tough time, if those damn cycles were a bit more predicatable I am sure you might be feeling a bit better as waiting to try is so frustrating when you dont know what the hell your body is up to.

I know its easy to blame yourself and its easier when your feeling down, but what you did or didnt do with the vitamins didnt cause what happened.

I think if its meant to be it will happen.

Keep your chin up xxxxx