MissMamma
Mummy
- Joined
- May 19, 2010
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I am really worried about tomorrow night, actually dreading might be a better word for it. Its a friends birthday and she's going out for a meal, me and OH are invited.
At school we were really close, like insanely close, we were practically identical in everything we enjoyed doing and got into loads of trouble together
then after i got kicked out and she left we kind of drifted apart and it was only when i got pregnant that we got back in touch [and by that i mean i got back in touch with her because i needed her. I kinda feel like she shouldn't have taken me back as a friend. I hadn't bothered getting in touch with her for so long even whilst she went through some horrible shit]. But now we're friends again, nowhere near as close and all we talk about is baby stuff. She has a one year old and is 8mnth with her second so it's all we're really interested in tbh and i'm so greatful she did take me back. I don't know what i would have done without her reassuring texts in the middle of the night etc.
Anyways tomorrow she has invited a load of her actual friends out too, at school although we were really close we each had our own little group of friends iykwim, and its all her lot that are going tomorrow night along with their fellas.
I'm dreading it and i don't know what to do!
I'm ashamed that i can't afford to buy her a present, embarrassed that because me and OH can't afford insurance on the car we have to get the train there, i'm embarrassed that my hair is literally one big split end and desperately needs doing, i'm embarrassed that OH doesn't work and when he gets asked by the other guys what it is he does [which he's sure to do] he'll have to say nothing! I have nothing to wear. I feel fat and frumpy. I'm embarrassed that i got kicked out of school and since then [three years ago] i've been kicked out of every college i tried to attend. And i have absolutely no idea what to talk about! I feel like such a loser atm, i have nothing going on in my life except the pregnancy that is worthwile talking about.
I can't help comparing myself to my friend, she is doing so well, they just bought a house with a real mortgage and everything. Its perfectly decorated. They own two cars. When they moved in they bought all their furniture etc brand new even though they had perfectly good stuff from their last house. She shops and shops for herself and the baby. She always looks stunning and is stick thin with a lovely big bump...i'm even jealous of her bloody bump!
And from what i remember from school her friends are just as perfect, one of them has just had a baby boy and she pinged straight back to a size 8 and looks stunning.
I'm honestly not a shallow person. I never used to fret so much about stuff like this. I like to look nice but i never used to get so upset by it. I mean i was the only girl in my year comfortable enough in my own skin to go to school not wearing any make up [okay i say comfortable enough, i just mean lazy enough to not be arsed with it in the mornings] but i never used to care what other people thought of my appearance! I was never obsessed over my figure, i knew i wasn't fat, i wasn't a stick either but that didn't bother me. The thing is i used to be interesting. I used to have a billion hobbies. I used to go to all the raves and all the parties and be in on all the gossip and know who was getting with who, i used to be the one calling up my friends to see who was up for an all nighter when there was nothing else going on etc etc but now i'm just the boring, fat, pregnant one.
I love this girl, i really do. I remember how close we were at school and all the shit we got into and through with each other and the deep conversations full of secrets i would never tell anyone else and i know she really isnt the type to rub her good fortune in my face but i still feel a bit worthless. I know its my problem. I know noone else is making me feel like this but i cant seem to stop myself comparing, feeling jealous and ashamed of my own life.
I dont expect any answers, i just wanted to get it out. Noone knows how i'm feeling about it except OH but he doesn't understand the extend of the pure dread i'm feeling and tbh i feel really foolish
At school we were really close, like insanely close, we were practically identical in everything we enjoyed doing and got into loads of trouble together
then after i got kicked out and she left we kind of drifted apart and it was only when i got pregnant that we got back in touch [and by that i mean i got back in touch with her because i needed her. I kinda feel like she shouldn't have taken me back as a friend. I hadn't bothered getting in touch with her for so long even whilst she went through some horrible shit]. But now we're friends again, nowhere near as close and all we talk about is baby stuff. She has a one year old and is 8mnth with her second so it's all we're really interested in tbh and i'm so greatful she did take me back. I don't know what i would have done without her reassuring texts in the middle of the night etc.Anyways tomorrow she has invited a load of her actual friends out too, at school although we were really close we each had our own little group of friends iykwim, and its all her lot that are going tomorrow night along with their fellas.
I'm dreading it and i don't know what to do!
I'm ashamed that i can't afford to buy her a present, embarrassed that because me and OH can't afford insurance on the car we have to get the train there, i'm embarrassed that my hair is literally one big split end and desperately needs doing, i'm embarrassed that OH doesn't work and when he gets asked by the other guys what it is he does [which he's sure to do] he'll have to say nothing! I have nothing to wear. I feel fat and frumpy. I'm embarrassed that i got kicked out of school and since then [three years ago] i've been kicked out of every college i tried to attend. And i have absolutely no idea what to talk about! I feel like such a loser atm, i have nothing going on in my life except the pregnancy that is worthwile talking about.
I can't help comparing myself to my friend, she is doing so well, they just bought a house with a real mortgage and everything. Its perfectly decorated. They own two cars. When they moved in they bought all their furniture etc brand new even though they had perfectly good stuff from their last house. She shops and shops for herself and the baby. She always looks stunning and is stick thin with a lovely big bump...i'm even jealous of her bloody bump!
And from what i remember from school her friends are just as perfect, one of them has just had a baby boy and she pinged straight back to a size 8 and looks stunning.
I'm honestly not a shallow person. I never used to fret so much about stuff like this. I like to look nice but i never used to get so upset by it. I mean i was the only girl in my year comfortable enough in my own skin to go to school not wearing any make up [okay i say comfortable enough, i just mean lazy enough to not be arsed with it in the mornings] but i never used to care what other people thought of my appearance! I was never obsessed over my figure, i knew i wasn't fat, i wasn't a stick either but that didn't bother me. The thing is i used to be interesting. I used to have a billion hobbies. I used to go to all the raves and all the parties and be in on all the gossip and know who was getting with who, i used to be the one calling up my friends to see who was up for an all nighter when there was nothing else going on etc etc but now i'm just the boring, fat, pregnant one.
I love this girl, i really do. I remember how close we were at school and all the shit we got into and through with each other and the deep conversations full of secrets i would never tell anyone else and i know she really isnt the type to rub her good fortune in my face but i still feel a bit worthless. I know its my problem. I know noone else is making me feel like this but i cant seem to stop myself comparing, feeling jealous and ashamed of my own life.
I dont expect any answers, i just wanted to get it out. Noone knows how i'm feeling about it except OH but he doesn't understand the extend of the pure dread i'm feeling and tbh i feel really foolish
xxxx
