Totally breakdown and disconnect....:(

I have two boys. I love my boys. Hubby and I have always said we don't want girls. I couldn't wrap my head around having a girl. We are days away from baby #3 and I gave permissible to my three best friends to find out the gender..... They are the only ones that know. They are decorating the room for baby for us as a gift. They were here a few days ago and painted the room. I picked the color palette for each gender (peach and seafoam for a girl and gray and blue for a boy) and they painted and locked the room up. This morning I walk down my hall and the sun is flowing through the newspaper they put on the window.


The room is pink or peach..... Very clearly not a boy color

I sobbed. Like someone had died. I'm devastated. In that instant I lost the confidence I was going into labour with. The excitement is gone and all I want is this pregnancy to end. I was totally convinced it was a boy and had my heart set on a name. I feel like it was stolen from me and now I'm left with keeping it a secret that I know. All the while being unbelievably miserable.

I feel badly for reacting the way I did and I'm glad it happened now and not in the delivery room. I have a friend coming to take photos and I'd hate to have that horrible reaction on record

 

Thank you. Truly. Your reply was perfect.

It's not that I don't think I'll love it once it's here. I've just always seen myself as the mom of boys. I don't feel like I'll connect or bond with a female child. My mom and I have a rocky and most of the time, non existent relationship so I fear that that's partly why I don't want a daughter. My boys see me as the sun and moon of their entire world and I crave that bond.
I was so very excited to bond again with another son and I feel like I'll have to endure the comments people will come up with... I'll have to hear ' you must be so happy to have a girl , now your family is complete'. Or the 'you can stop trying now since you've got your girl'. I hate the thought of pink things and girly accessories. Of the overflow of pink things I know people will buy. The little princess badge of honor it will get since its 'the only girl'. My hubbies reply to my cousin finding out their baby was a girl was 'oh that sucks'. And I agreed. Its impossible to wrap my head around it. I don't know how to 'do girls'.
Part of me feels horrible that I feel like this and the other part of me is just so sad and disappointed. I've lost the urge to breastfeed and can't imagine wanting to follow through with my birth plan now. I imagined being able to hold and bond and cuddle right after birth, asking people to give us time to be alone and announce we had yet another perfect beautiful boy. And I'm afraid I'll just hand the baby off and cry to myself when it's born. I feel like I lost the connection I had with this pregnancy

 

I was hoping a sleep and a new day would bring some better feelings toward this whole thing. But it hasn't. I'm disconnected from my belly now and caught myself cringing last night when baby moved, when I usually take the time to touch and watch it.

Another part to the story is that one of my best friends is struggling with getting pregnant. She and her DH have been working on it for almost four years. Our oldest boys are the same ages and I'm now on my third pregnancy while she's not had a glimmer of a positive for the entire time. So I feel like a proper cow even that I'm even complaining or upset at all. She's the main one decorating the room and I feel horrible b/c she's so excited to finish it and have me see after baby is born and all I can think is how I don't even want to open the door. At all.

My plans to maximize the bonding at delivery seem to be unimportant now. I'm scared of my reaction when baby is born. I'm scared I won't want to hold her or look at her. I don't have a history of it but I'm worried about post partum depression. I tried looking at cute girl outfits and only managed to cry that I wouldn't be able to use all the fav outfits from my boys. I already feel like I want to try to have another boy but terrified it will be another girl.

I really had no idea this was so hard. I sort of rolled my eyes at women before who said they didn't want one or the other gender. Thinking that it was some sort of horrible mental health issue they must have to not want a baby of a certain gender.

 

My two best friends were just over to take a look at the change table and shelves I got for the room and one let it slip that they use pink as a chat color when they talk about baby's room. So I guess that's a pretty solid clue.

 

To be fair....I saw girl bits at the 20 week scan but didn't have it confirmed and thought maybe I saw wrong. As for the room, it was dark outside when they painted so there was no way of knowing if the light would shine through. Plus I'm super nosey and would have dug under the door with a mirror at some point to see if I could see anything. Lol. As for the slip tonight, I've told them to each refer to the baby as a gender and the other as a different gender so it would throw me off. I'm not sad at them. They have been super careful and tbh, I'm shocked it took this long for a slip. They have known for over four months what gender baby is

 

Thanks everyone. We are slowly warming to the idea. I think the issue for me was that I had whole heartedly convinced myself this was another boy and one ould have my lucky three. Day by day it's getting better. We had a scan yesterday and couldn't see gender of course so it's still not official

 

My DH is excited about it so it makes things a little better. We changed our name choice at the last min too. I just can't imagine it being a girl. Still. But I guess we will see. Thank you all for the support. It's easier to work through things when you don't feel totally alone

 

So babe arrived yesterday at 5:22pm.
Labour stopped and started a few times and then the end got really intense and I went from stalled labour, getting a shot of morphine, and begging for an epidural when the contractions picked up and I was still 4cm.... To 4cm, just got morphine, baby engaging with a pop and slamming into my pelvic bone and fully dialated and delivered in 8 mins. Baby Callie Lola came flying into a nurses hands at 5:22, weighing 7lbs 10oz ( biggest baby by 1.5lbs) and screaming.
I didn't have time to dwell on the fact that she was a girl until about midnight and by then there was so much excitement and flurry of people in and out that I was truly over the fact by the time we were settled and alone together. She's a spitting image of my first son and just loves to snuggle and nurse. We were discharged home this morning, 13 hours after she was born and j couldn't be happier with how labour and the first day went.

 

Thank you everyone for your kind words .