Traditional relationship roles

[xemmax]

I think divorce rates seem to be directly proportional to female equality more because women now feel they do not have to stay in unhappy marriages. It is socially acceptable for them to be single, and independent. So perhaps there is a link.

I agree with this. I do believe it may be responsible for a portion of the rise in divorce rates and I see that as a really good thing. Initially when I read this I felt very defensive as it seems like divorce rates are being blamed on the breakdown of the traditional family, at the fault of women, but actually I am glad that women can now leave unhappy family lives and not feel trapped and compelled to stay for the wrong reasons.

 

[mrs_park]

I think divorce rates seem to be directly proportional to female equality more because women now feel they do not have to stay in unhappy marriages. It is socially acceptable for them to be single, and independent. So perhaps there is a link.

I agree with this. I do believe it may be responsible for a portion of the rise in divorce rates and I see that as a really good thing. Initially when I read this I felt very defensive as it seems like divorce rates are being blamed on the breakdown of the traditional family, at the fault of women, but actually I am glad that women can now leave unhappy family lives and not feel trapped and compelled to stay for the wrong reasons.

Sorry you felt defensive hun, it was not my intention

 

[LeeBee]

I think divorce rates are up because divorce is much more accepted these days.

Hubby and I have sort of a "He wears the pants, but I tell him which pair to wear" type of relationship. I'm traditional in the sense that I want him to appear to be stronger, but I do not want to be viewed as weaker, if that makes sense?

It's also very important to me to have a "traditional" environment for my kids. For example, even if things got truly awful with my husband and I wanted to leave him, I wouldn't because I would want that sense of "normal" for my kids growing up (something I did not have). Which may or may not be a good thing, but it's just how I feel

 

[xemmax]

I think divorce rates seem to be directly proportional to female equality more because women now feel they do not have to stay in unhappy marriages. It is socially acceptable for them to be single, and independent. So perhaps there is a link.

I agree with this. I do believe it may be responsible for a portion of the rise in divorce rates and I see that as a really good thing. Initially when I read this I felt very defensive as it seems like divorce rates are being blamed on the breakdown of the traditional family, at the fault of women, but actually I am glad that women can now leave unhappy family lives and not feel trapped and compelled to stay for the wrong reasons.

Sorry you felt defensive hun, it was not my intention

I know it wasn't hun

I just think it's important to point out when we're talking about the breakdown of marriages that it isn't necessarily a bad thing - women are just more empowered, and rightly so as I think we would all agree.

 

[KittyVentura]

I think is probably does have an impact. But I'd rather see it as "Divorce rates were lower than they should be previously" rather than them now decreasing.

Women would be expected, even made, to stay in awful abusive marriages not that long ago. Divorce was a social taboo and would disgrace yourself and your family. Now those women can leave. No-one is expected to stay in an unhappy marriage.

Also men used to get away with SO much. Those that read the other thread will know that I have a similar relationship set up as Mrs_Park. I am a traditionalist. However, I would NEVER turn a blind eye the way women used to. There were times (again, not THAT long ago) when it was pretty much a given that a husband would have a mistress. It wasn't seen as a massive scandal. Women were expected to just turn a blind eye and carry on. Women were not repected in any way. This WAS wrong. However out of fear of being a social outcast for leaving... women stayed and no-one really divorced.

Those marriages shouldn't really have worked. I wouldn't really say they were successful, they just didn't divorce. Now women are leaving when they feel they should, which is a good thing.

However I DO think that people just accept divorce as an option now and do not TRY to make their marriage work. They jump ship at the earliest sign of problems rather than staying for "richer, for poorer, in sickness & in health" etc. They hold grudges, put their own feelings first too often and give up too easily. Now that divorce isn't taboo, people seem to have nothing pushing them to actually try and make their marriage work when there isn't a reason not to.

I also think that in this effort to get equal rights for women too much focus has been put on "well if men can do it, so can we". It means that things like casual sex and sleepign around has been made acceptable for women, who do it because they can... after all... lots of men have bee doing it for a long time. I've had my own fair share myself... but can't help but think that REALLY it should have been a case of highlighting it as unacceptable behaviour for men or women... and trying to make it taboo for men to do it... rather than women doing it too

I've waffled, I know. Gone off on a tangent and this is reading more like an overall "why don't marriages work" reply. I'm not linking any type of relationship to any problems etc listed here btw xx

 

[vaniilla]

sadly though divorce still is a taboo, at least in my parents community, I think if my parents didn't think it was a taboo they would have split years ago, they've gone through so many periods of sleeping in separate bed, separate rooms etc and nobody else knew because of their pride, my dad is quite the ladies man, he used to be a chief police officer and had a lot of female co-workers which I only recently found out he'd been having an affair with one of them for 20 years and nobody had thought to tell me!!! two of my aunties live with abusive alcoholics and can never leave because they would get shunned for divorce, we're luck we live in a society where we can take that option to leave and not end up homeless and penniless

 

[mrs_park]

I agree, it's fantastic that divorce is no longer 'taboo'. I think it's enabled women to walk away from bad marriages for the safety and happiness of themselves and their children. In cases of domestic abuse or cheating I completely support a woman's choice to leave.

I will say this though, in my humble opinion, divorce is too common because it's so easy. Marriage is hard work, life is hard at times but people seem to have this mentality that 'if it doesn't work out, we'll get a divorce'. I don't like that. I think it should be a lifelong commitment, there are going to be times when the romance fades, the kids are hardwork, money issues etc etc etc, I get that. But I believe of you fell in love with someone enough to marry them, then you can work through your problems (in most cases)

This is just my opinion

 

[Lightworker]

Yeah I think the impact of female liberation varies depending on your community. I know amongst Asian, Arab and African communities, divorce is taboo. You would even be expected to make room for you DHs concubines/co-wives rather than have a divorce. I know alot of families where they pride themselves in their outward image of happy marriage, but in reality, it is unhappy - its like Keeping Up Appearances, cue Mrs Bucket!

 

[Lightworker]

I do agree with the notion that the relative ease with which one can obtain a divorce means people don't work as hard at their marriages but I think the general failure of marriages can be attributed to many other things as well, moreso in modern society, where the institution of marriage has in general lost much of society's respect. I dont even think I made sense, but hope you get the gist.

 

[Feltzy]

I agree with what others have said about divorce rates being higher because people don't feel forced to stay in unhappy marriages any more.

Me and my OH have very traditional roles, I look after the children and do the housework and he is the breadwinner. It works for us, however I think its good that these days people have more of a choice, whereas years ago it was kind of expected that people did things the traditional way.

 

[tallybee]

I agree, it's fantastic that divorce is no longer 'taboo'. I think it's enabled women to walk away from bad marriages for the safety and happiness of themselves and their children. In cases of domestic abuse or cheating I completely support a woman's choice to leave.

I will say this though, in my humble opinion, divorce is too common because it's so easy. Marriage is hard work, life is hard at times but people seem to have this mentality that 'if it doesn't work out, we'll get a divorce'. I don't like that. I think it should be a lifelong commitment, there are going to be times when the romance fades, the kids are hardwork, money issues etc etc etc, I get that. But I believe of you fell in love with someone enough to marry them, then you can work through your problems (in most cases)

This is just my opinion

Divorce is Not easy by the way.... this as someone with first hand experience of the utter life-sapping shit one must go through due to making the mistake of falling in love with someone with a bitter ex that they hadn't managed to divorce yet.

It may be easy for celebs with the cash to splash, but it isn't for the rest of us.

 

[Lightworker]

OT but was reading the biography of a Somali lady, and she said in their culture, if a man wants a divorce, all he has to say is "I divorce you", I think in front of a couple of witnesses and thats it. Imagine if it was that easy in western society, I am sure divorce rates would be through the roof.

 

[ShanandBoc]

I dont think divorce is easy, its a stressful situation for all involved, both parties, and esp the children BUT i do think divorce is over used and an easy way out for some.

A marriage takes hard work and compromise.

I think unless someone cheats there is no grounds for divorce. In the case of abuse i think thats grounds for seperation and perhaps counselling for the guilty party, but then i adhere strictly to what the bible says about divorce. At the end of the day what each couple does is up to them and i dont look down on anyone for wanting a divorce, thats not my place.

But, Divorce isnt always the answer for a troubled marriage

 

[tallybee]

^ yea there was a thread about this a while ago wasn't there If you adhere to the bible that's fine but it's not for everyone by any means, and cheating isn't the only reason things can be irreconcilable. A close friend of mine is beginning divorce proceedings from her husband who has not cheated but has subjected her to years of physical and emotional abuse. I can't comprehend how that could be deemed not serious enough to merit divorce. Some people just aren't going to become non-abusive - and the abused will have serious issues accepting them back no matter how much counselling has been had.

 

[Lightworker]

What does the Bible say about spousal abuse and divorce?

 

[xemmax]

Also there are SO many ways to betray your partner other than actually cheating. I'm not sure all betrayals can be ignored/worked through, I think it's a very romanticised view that everything can be worked through as a couple.

Hidden addictions, hidden spending, theft of money, illegitimate children from before the marriage - there are so many things which can come out of the woodwork and prove too much for couples to work through. Cheating may look like a walk in the park next to some of the situations which force couples to divorce.

 

[KittyVentura]

In the case of abuse i think thats grounds for seperation and perhaps counselling for the guilty party, but then i adhere strictly to what the bible says about divorce.

Wow. I respect your opinion and in no way judge you for it. However this statement here has baffled me. You don't need to explain your opinion but can you explain what the bible says about divorce and why abuse wouldn't be deemed a good enough reason to divorce?

Genuinely intrigued.

I am Athiest so I am pretty ignorant to what is in the detail of the bible. I do however find learning about all religions interesting.

In my eyes, while both are awful and unforgivable, abuse is worse than cheating. But that is just my opinion and I am sure many would disagree xx

 

[xemmax]

No amount of counselling in the world will help an abuser if they cannot accept that they are abusive.

 

[Lightworker]

I think with things like addictions, previous undeclared offspring etc, you are generally meant to forgive. Its the "for worse" part of the vow "for better or for worse." In fact, if I remember rightly, if you follow the Bible, Jesus said you ought to forgive 70x7 times, which I think just means forgive everytime. Whether to forgive means to remain in the marriage or not is another thing. Shan, whats your take?

 

[ShireLass]

In our house my husband is the earner (when he can keep a job! bloody government!) and I do everything else We've lived together for 2 years so far (been married almost 3 weeks lol) and so far I've "kept" him more than he's "kept" me

I'm hoping to train him up over the years he's never had much in the way of responsibilities where as I have, my parents separated (and eventually divorced) when I was 9 so I think I grew up faster then and became my mum's friend and ally as well as a daughter.

We're gonna start by opening a joint account and I'll move all the household bills to it then he can at least see that they exist

I get terminally bored having to go to a job every day and do the same thing over and over, and he gets bored not having a job. If I can stay at home and raise our child and grow some food in the garden I see no reason not to if we can stretch his wages to cover it. I hope to work from home as well once I figure out what to do...