Trying for #2 but absolutely terrified - anyone else?

[justmeinlove]

Hi,

I really hope there are some more people like me out there, as whilst I am pretty sure I do want to have another as a sibling for my DD, I am so so regularly overwhelmed with absolute fear at the idea - and I want some support on why it's happening and what it means.

Watching my DD, I really want to give her a sibling, who I so so hope she would love and would love her. I want to give her a buddy against the world (which is so broken it scares me), I want her to have someone to play with growing up and on holidays. I watch her look after and cheer up younger children of friends and oh, it's heart-melting. She seems v up for the idea too, has said she will share her toys with the baby etc, it's lovely. Even ok with sharing her mummy milk apparently...!

But - whilst I can see it being lovely - I am so so scared. Our DD was a horrible arrival - emcs, absolutely terrifying, gave my hb ptsd/pnd, he was so scared I was going to die. I felt zero bond and one didn't develop for over a year - she was a silent reflux baby (undiagnosed for months) who basically screamed ALL the time and didn't sleep. It felt completely like my / our life had been utterly ruined and I was going through the motions of looking after her because she had to be looked after for more than a year.
She still doesn't sleep through the night.
Now I do absolutely adore her - but I have no good memories of the idea of having a baby. None. It was a hellish nightmare that I am so glad we got through. But could we live through that again? I don't know :\ And I am scared, so SO scared to put us back in that place and find out it's hell Again

We didn't really have any support network when DD arrived, it was just us. Now I do have a few friends and think I would probably get a baby shower But I think our temptation would be to fast-track the life plan of moving to Cornwall (with jobs) to be by the beach and cash in some of our property value so that hb could stay home for the first year. That might make it work. And hopefully friends would come and visit a LOT (free holiday, right?)

Anyway, basically if I picture DD and another toddler, it sounds awesome! Another baby makes me feel sick on the bad days/nights (and basically I seem to alternate every 12 hours atm).

Please help. Does anyone else out there feel that way? Did anyone else have that experience and it worked out well?

We're also quite financially tight which scares me too. I love my hb SO much and we're just about starting to get some time together every now and then now. I don't want to lose that. Can you have a baby, a second baby even, and be happy?

 

[MerryBe]

I know that feeling -- our newborn days weren't quite as rough as yours sounded, but I had an emergency c-section too and undiagnosed PPD that went on for four months before I got any help. My husband and I both really want another -- but I know that he's nervous about going through that stage again (frankly, he didn't deal with being a new dad well -- resented having to share me and that I wasn't able to be as focused on housework/my job/him/pretty much everything as before -- he got over it mostly, but he said and did some thing at the time during his frustration that it's painful for both of us to look back on those first few months, in a way). I think I'd be able to handle it better this time around, just knowing what to expect on a lot of different fronts, but my DD takes up so much of my time and energy right now that it's a little daunting to imagine DOUBLE that
(We've been trying since Feb with no luck, though, so we'll see if it ever becomes a realistic thing for me to worry about :/ )

 

[justmeinlove]

Ahhhhh, thank you for replying! So many people seem to sail through this without their lives exploding hideously! I just remember how very bad I felt once we had her and it was hideous - and I can't feel like that again

I hope it works for you!

And I totally empathise - I think 'ooh well we could handle it This time, so much more experience and practice' and then I think 'and what if it's just as bad or worse. Again'

 

[justmeinlove]

Hmmm, today has just reminded me too that one of the worst things about being pregnant and the early months (bar reflux and no sleep) was my hb was ill So much. We found out I was pregnant and then he was ill for two months straight with two forms of food poisoning. He doesn't get paid when sick so that was £1k gone right away. And I couldn't be excited about being pregnant, I was just constantly stressed about him. On top of that he got ambulanced into hospital once and another a&e visit for reasons I.can't remember.

All of which Is awful. My poor love. But at the same time I couldn't relax or be excited, so much of the time was being stressed about him or none.

He was ill again today, had to go home to sleep and all the 'omg it will all be up to me' stress came flooding back.

He's utterly awesome when not ill though!

 

[schultzie18]

Hello, I feel the same! I think my DD should have a sibling but I am so scared. I was so sick my entire pregnancy and the had a horrible labor and delivery. My DD ended up in the NICU for a few weeks because of the doctors not believing that something was wrong when I keep telling them! I have since moved to a different doctor/hospital bit it still scares me. I really do want another child but the fear is making me reconsider.

 

[newmommy21]

It is terrifying! I am nervous as hell, but I think in the long run it'll be so special to have a second

 

[justmeinlove]

Yay for not just me! Boo for you both being scared, have some big hugs.

I'm done even thinking about it after this year, too old for my liking, so may have to be a bit incautious and at least give it a go...and maybe get some counselling :-\

 

[joeybrooks]

Hi there. I too am now ttc #2 after considering it and being terrified for around the past 6 months, before that, I wasnt even thinking about it.

Like you, I really want my son to have a sibling. He is the lovliest wee boy and has such a lovely nature and to be honest, we had such an easy time with him, the slept through the night from 10 weeks and ate and slept as he should.

More lately he is clingier but I put that down to so many changes (starting nursery etc) and I do sleep in with him some nights, but I dont mind and I know it isnt forever.

What does terrify me is the labour and the early days. Like you I had a very traumatic labour, I developed pre eclampsia at the last minute and it went from zero to very dangerous very quickly. The labour was terrifying, from what i remember, and my husband has only recently agreed to even consider another as he was too traumatised the first time.

So I went back and forward in my head and I am having some counselling (I had counselling after my first but didnt deal with any of these feelings as I was adamant that I wouldnt even consider another) and I have ultimately decided that I;ll give it a go.

I stopped BCP in mid July and nothing has happened yet, no AF, nothing, so it might not be as easy as it was the first time around, but as I said, I owe it to myself, my OH and my son to give it a go.

I went into my first pregnancy blinded with excitement and visions of one born every minute where it is edited to look scary, but all works out in the end (most times, I know that's not always the case) and I always thought "I could do that", but the reality of it is terrifying and when you arent really prepared for it, very disturbing and traumatic. That is what scares me the most, that if I did get pregnant, I'd then start to worry about all of that.

I think your circumstances are quite different though because not only did you have the horrible, dangerous and traumatic labour, but you also had a hard time bonding with LO afterwards. I think counselling might be a great option for you as I know it is really helping me, not only deal with what has happened in the past, but by giving me coping mechanisms for the future.

All the best and I hope whatever you decide, you are happy with it.

(p.s, as for the age thing, I'm the same, it's sort of now or never and I suppose that is another factor in just going for it, if it doesnt happen in the next year or two, it won't as I'll be too old).

 

[NoGreaterLove]

You are not alone. My husband has recently been asking about #2. Our DD is 13 months now and pure joy. I'm not terribly opposed to another one, although I only wanted one, but I did suffer from diastasis recti. It may sound selfish, but I'm going to say it anyway, now that my body is better and in back in shape physically I don't want to ruin that.

My daughter is still breastfeeding and sleeps with us, all of which I'm fine with because it won't last forever, but I want to enjoy her as she grows instead if introducing a new member to our family and changing the dynamic. My husband too had a hard time adjusting to fatherhood and we have no family around us (we moved in my last month of pregnancy) so it was just us and a bit difficult. I have fond memories of the last year, but I don't think I'm ready to start over again. I don't know if that makes me selfish and awful or a realist.

 

[justmeinlove]

Joeybrooks - our DD ran at the tv today as they were playing football and she was going to join in - and was so sad when she realised she couldn't o_0

Nogreaterlove - that's not selfish, it's ok to think about yourself too And my body went pretty much back to normal after DD - I am a bit terrified it would floop apart if I did it again... :\

Had a bit of a chat about it today with hb - he really doesn't sound keen Partially he's worried about money too and was saying everyone he knows with two kids has to have one person at home because of childcare costs...

I don't want to go on about it until he just agrees - because if I push him and then we do it and then it's horrid again - it will be my fault and I will have spoilt everything :\ I was super keen on getting a cat - and it's nice enough but honestly he was probably right - it's made going out harder again - you can't just go away for a day or two somewhere - and that makes me sad. Maybe he's super right about another kid too and it would just make things harder and sadder and worse :\

Gah. I wish I was someone who KNEW. Or could tell if we're both just scared

Thanks so much for all the awesome comments!

 

[claireybell]

Im pooping myself as you know what to expect with EVERYTHING with the second! Loved being pregnant, had a planned csection as Riley was breech.. Then all the fun started :-/ he hardly slept, was clingy & has the most awful tantrums, this was bit i dreaded most & i get very stressed out.. I so want Riley to have a sibling & dont want him growing up as an only child, so i just literally thought we gotta try now & get onboard otherwise there will so many more readons not too.. Plus, he starts school next year & dont want a massive age gap if we can help it..

 

[justmeinlove]

Hmmm.
Just had a chat with hb and apparently he is totally not up for another.
Oh
:-\

 

[claireybell]

Hmmm.
Just had a chat with hb and apparently he is totally not up for another.
Oh
:-\

Ah hun.. Is that just right now or not ever?? It is hard i can imagine with another new baby.. Trying to find time for each other etc.. That scares me a bit :-/

 

[justmeinlove]

Well, our self imposed deadline is this December :-\

 

[Scarlett P]

Hello ladies, please can I join you? And a huge thank you for this post!

Pretty much everyone who I was preggers with is preggers again and it's made me think - what's wrong with me?! Whilst I do get super broody and do want another as I too want a sibling for my LO, the thought terrifies me too.

I had an emcs, LO had awful colic then problems with food and has never been a great sleeper. She's amazing, but she's a live wire - I can't turn my back for a second as she'll be up to no good! The last couple of years have been amazing but also v stressful and put a lot of strain on our relationship, I've also been having counselling too.

Hubby and I have agreed to ttc in the New Year, mainly cos of our age and thinking age gaps between #1 and#2... and whilst I'm looking forward to being preggers again, the thought of a newborn is scary :S

I'll be keeping #1 in nursery two days so hoping that will help.

Thank you for making me realise I'm not alone! xxx

 

[justmeinlove]

Welcome! It's definitely not just you!

It would be so easy if you could just get a note telling you it would all be ok, wouldn't it?

Hb has apparently, after listening to me ramble on, decided he might be up for it after all which puts me back to being terrified ;-)

 

[Scarlett P]

Yes, a promise you'd get a very easy going baby that sleeps through from the start!

Oh no, does that mean you're not ttc then atm? Hope he comes round for you!

xx

 

[justmeinlove]

Ahhhh, still not convinced.

Does anyone else have a super keen toddler? Our 2.5 year old is So excited about the idea. Is that normal? Or a sign we should be listening to?

 

[not_so_easy]

Hi Ladies - glad to find a thread about TTC#2. I am a little further along in the decision making and have decided to give it a go.

joeybrooks - I am in your situation, no AF and on cd45.

I am the only income, my hubby is a stay at home dad. We don't have a lot of help and definitely, financially it is difficult. But we definitely didn't want our beautiful lil boy not to have siblings.

I am in my mid thirties and my HB is 10 years older than me, so the age was the factor. My family also doesn't have luck with #2... My sister had an MC and then took another 2 years to get pregnant after fertility treatments. My mother also had issues conceiving me as her 2nd, so we didn't want to wait longer, even though we aren't necessarily ready.

How old are the rest of the kids on here? perhaps some of you concerned with money could try to time out #2 for when #1 is school age? That's what we were also thinking about too...

 

[not_so_easy]

Ahhhh, still not convinced.

Does anyone else have a super keen toddler? Our 2.5 year old is So excited about the idea. Is that normal? Or a sign we should be listening to?

Hey, my toddler is. He is super interested in babies and has even started saying "goo-goo ga-ga". its super cute -- hope it lasts and he feels the same way when #2 comes along (if we are so lucky!).