TTC after a fullterm stillbirth

[thumpette]

Hi Girls,

I just wanted to introduce myself (and am desperately seeking positive stories after loss so feel free to share them here!)

After a perfectly healthy pregnancy I went to the hospital on January 11th 2015 with reduced movements only to find out my little boy's heart had stopped beating. I went into labour myself that night and Max was born on the 12th at 5.21pm. He was 7 pound 5 ounces and just the most beautiful baby in the world (slightly biased). I was 41 weeks and 4 days pregnant, being taken in the following day to discuss induction. As a lot of you here will know, life is so incredibly cruel and I'm sure the pain of this will never leave me. At the same time it has been worth every tear to have the privilege of carrying, giving birth to, and holding my beautiful little man, even if I never got to look in his eyes or feel his warmth.

I've written a blog here if anyone would like to see it- it has some photos of Max in it from the amazing 'Now I lay me down to sleep' charity. I don't think the photos are disturbing or anything, but just so you know in case you wouldn't like to see them.

(sorry tuns out I cant post this because I'm new, I will do when I've had enough posts)

Although I know I will never replace Max, I am completely consumed by the thought of getting pregnant again as soon as possible to give him a little sister or brother. I am just turned 32 and it took us over 18 months to conceive Max, I am terrified of it taking that long again, and even more terrified of it never happening. Physically I have been really lucky, had a straightforward birth, a small tear which has healed really well and am feeling physically back to my old self. In face I've really thrown myself into getting healthy so I've been out walking and running and am now back at my pre pregnancy weight (although could do with losing a couple more stone from here which I'm now working on).

I thought I had stopped bleeding at about 2.5 weeks pp, but I started again last week and bled for another week. I'm not sure if this is because myself and my hubby BD too early or just because I was doing too much exercise, or if it was a period like the doctor thought. I'm taking a course of antibiotics anyway just in case and going to go with the assumption it was my cycle returning for the moment.

I know being pregnant again is going to be tough and scary but I just have to try, I can't imagine a life which doesn't involve getting to bring a healthy baby home from the hospital.

I hope we all get our little rainbow babies soon

 

[Sunshine14]

Ahhh hun I just had to send you a message & the biggest of hugs xx I can't even begin to comprehend what u have been through to be so close & have it all torn away must just be so heartbreaking & devastating xx U r a very very brave woman & I wish you all the love, hope, joy and happiness in the world wrapped up in ur rainbow baby xx did the hopsital say what happened to little Max? Also rest assured they will monitor u so closely next time that*everything will go well hun xx I know ur desperate to have another baby (I would probably be the same) but I would just ask have u dealt with the grief hun? -- obviously only u can know what is the right thing to do following the lose of little Max but please, please make sure ur ready to ttc again sweetheart as it can be such a rollercoaster xxxxx

The good luck story that I would tell u is that I used to live in Kilkenny in Ireland and I used to go walking with a lovely lady and she had a girl, then a full term still born baby and then her son and he was absolutley fine - she said they never found a reason but they watched her like a hawk with her litle boy - I hope that reassures u somewhat hun xxx please take it easy and look after urself on ur ttc journey & don't forget u have time on ur side as ur still only 32 sweetie xx good luck xxxx

 

[Sunshine14]

PS do u use OPK's and the SMEP (sperm meets egg plan) hun? - I have been pregnant 5 times in the past 14 months (finding it hard to get a sticky bean due to my age!) and I would put all my pg's down to the SMEP & knowing when O is & making sure to dtd those days - I just have to get a good egg! xxxxx good luck anyway hun xx

 

[thumpette]

Sorry to hear that Sunshine, really hope you get your sticky soon!

I know what you mean about grieving, to be honest I can't imagine ever being in a 'good place' about this. I know pregnancy now will be so difficult, but I think that will be the case whether it happens in 3 months or 3 years. Because it took so long last time we're hoping that the old wives tail about being more fertile after a loss holds true.

When I was trying before I used temping to track my cycle, have never used opks or anything. I might try now alright- what ones would you recommend? There seems to be so many!

 

[thumpette]

In terms of knowing what happened, we get the results of the post mortem on Monday week- just hoping it's nothing that's likely to re-occur, and even more importantly that it's something that meant Max didn't suffer xx

 

[Blu10]

Thumpette, I cant imagine how difficult losing Max has been for you both and Im so sorry that you didnt get to keep your lovely little boy.
Good luck trying for your rainbow baby, sending you stacks of baby dust xx

 

[Sunshine14]

In terms of knowing what happened, we get the results of the post mortem on Monday week- just hoping it's nothing that's likely to re-occur, and even more importantly that it's something that meant Max didn't suffer xx

It must still be so raw hun if u haven't even had the results of the post mortem, let alone be able to understand them & process them. Just be kind to urself hun loads of tlc for urself & ur OH. At least when u find out what happened u will hopefully be able to understand what happened. I hope there was a specific reason for it so they can make sure it dosn't happen again hun xx as for dealing with the pain sweetie I am not sure that u will ever really get over the lose of little Max. U will adjust to the situation and time will eventually make it easier but the pain of the lose will always be with u, although it will lessen xxx have u been offered any counselling at all babe? So u can speak to someone who will just listen and be trained to understand how u feel? I know everything costs a fortune in Ireland but u might be able to find some free counselling through one of the charities / the hospital. MIght be a thought hun? I also hope this website helps u to get ur feelings out rather than bottle it all up sweetie - the ladies on here are lovely & it will help with the healing for u to talk about what u have been through xxx I know I cant even comprehend what u have ben through but I'm her hun if u want to vent at all xxx hopefully u will also get some other good luck stories on here too sweetheart xx

 

[Sunshine14]

Sorry to hear that Sunshine, really hope you get your sticky soon!

I know what you mean about grieving, to be honest I can't imagine ever being in a 'good place' about this. I know pregnancy now will be so difficult, but I think that will be the case whether it happens in 3 months or 3 years. Because it took so long last time we're hoping that the old wives tail about being more fertile after a loss holds true.

When I was trying before I used temping to track my cycle, have never used opks or anything. I might try now alright- what ones would you recommend? There seems to be so many!

Ur right about the old wives tail thump there was a scottish study done on 30,000 women (u can google it) that found that women who fell pg within 6 months of a miscarriage were more likely to have a healthy baby and less complications such as c-sections, etc. I think it makes sense as nature is trying to do it's job. I personally think that is the reason that I have had 5 mc's is cos my body is trying to get pg & cos of my age I have to churn through the eggs until I get a healthy one (if that ever happens!!!) Do u take a multi vitamin hun? Pregnacare do a good conception one for him and her - me & my honey take them plus I take a million other things to try to improve my egg quality .....

Re the OPK's (ovulation prediction kits) u can get them really cheap & delivered to ur door -- I buy 50 strips on amazon (I also get the strip pregnancy tests as saves a fortune in shop tests) and then I test once a day (usually evening after work after hoding wee as long as possible) until I see some colour coming & then once I see the colour progressing (that might take a few days) I would test every 4 hours (obviosuly not through the night) until it gets as dark or darker than the control line & once it gets darker u can stop testing as u know u will O in next 1/2 days or so. We tend to dtd every 2 days from about cd6 and then make sure to do it when I get the positive OPK and keep going then until Ims ure Ive O'd just to cover all bases. I don't temp or anything as would be to disorganised but I find OPK's are great for making sure we dtd at the right time! Just don't test with first morning urine (fmu) as it tends to be more concentrated & u would be more likely to get a positive that isn't a real positive - that is why I test late afternoon onwards -- hope that helps hun xx

 

[thumpette]

Thanks Sunshine, that's really helpful. I'm actually going to our first councelling session this afternoon through one of the charities. We've also been to a support group with other parents and will be going to the next one of them next week. I've also been writing a blog which has over 7000 views now and has really helped me to write as well as allowed me to connect with people in a similar situation. I completely intend to get all the support that's available to get through this, I know if I didn't it could drive me insane with the grief.

 

[Sunshine14]

Thats great thump sounds like ur getting all the help u can get hun & the counselling will really help xx all those things will really help u cope with the loss of little Max -- so all u need now is ur bfp!!! Good luck babe with ur ttc a rainbow journey xxxxxx

 

[Natnee]

Hi thumpette, so so sorry to hear about Max. I went through the same thing last April. I woke on 25th April to feel something wasn't right. Couldn't find a heartbeat on my doppler and went in, no heartbeat heard or seen on scans. I'd lost all the fluid which must've been a slow leak as I had no idea. I then had to go home having taking pills to induce me. 2 days later Poppy was born at 40+6. The post mortem revealed absolutely nothing,nothing wrong with me/placenta/Poppy so be prepared to hear this, that it's 'just one of those things'. While in a way it was good to hear, that there wasn't anything underlying that would prevent us trying again, in a way I wish there was something I could perhaps research or just be so aware of if I do get pregnant again. But they have told be I'd get loads more scans and they would also induce me at 37 weeks.

I know exactly how you feel about NEEDING to be pregnant. I think I felt like this the day she was born, just wanting to still be pregnant. We didn't try again straight away, we went on a holiday with my daughter, so wanted to do that before trying again. Then I fell pregnant after 2 cycles trying, but I had a mc at 6 weeks. We were advised to wait a cycle, and then as it was christmas and we were spending it with in laws I decided to wait til after christmas. So now cd17 into ttc cycle 2. I fell first time with both my daughter Belle and with Poppy, but I don't have age on my side, i'll be 39 next month. So don't worry you are still young!!

I'll be honest with you. I'm now absolutely petrified about being pregnant and having another baby. What if it happens again, how on earth would I deal with it. How am I possibly going to get through a whole 9 months and never feel like i'm in the 'safe zone' Not just getting to that 12 week scan and being relieved that you are mostly out of the woods, but the whole pregnancy!!! It worries me no end. But then I think of say in 5/10 years time, when it will be too late and how much I would regret it. My daughter is always making reference to 'when I'm a big sister' and it breaks my heart that she isn't, well not properly. So it's now or never really.

Take care now, Nat xxx

 

[thumpette]

Hi Nat,

So sorry to hear about Poppy (I love both your girl's names by the way)

I have a feeling I will be exactly the same as you, it seemed that my fluids were gone too. I had a scan the Tuesday previously which felt very rushed but I made a point of asking if the fluids were ok. I had been having stress incontinence when I was sneezing and coughing for most of the second half of my pregnancy so I was wearing pads, but there was only ever a tiny bit of what I believed to be urine and all my scans showed the fluid levels were fine.

In the scan that confirmed no heartbeat though they confirmed that there was little to no fluid around him, and when they went to break my waters in labour there was no membrane to break. I just cant understand how it happened. There 100% was no gush and no trickle.

We've started trying already now, though I'm still not sure if bleeding I had last week was more lochia or a period. I'm trying to accept that even I get pregnant there's a good chance of having an MC, although I know that if that happens it will be heart breaking too. I'm so sorry that you lost your first little rainbow bean. The road ahead feels like a scary stressful place, but to have any chance of making that pink, healthy wiggling baby we just have to walk the road anyway. I hope there's rainbows waiting under the clouds for us both.

 

[sjn21]

Hey, this is my first time on here. I just registered after readying this thread...

I found out 5 weeks ago today that my daughters heart had stopped at 33 weeks (not quite term I know .. But weighed 4lb 4oz, and beautiful) and I delivered her on the wednesday. I should be 38 weeks pregnant with my daughter, and all I can think about is 1) how cruel this world is. And 2) how desperate I am to become pregnant again. It took us 6 months of really trying to concieve my daughter, although prior to those 6 months we were 'not preventing' for a further 4 months. (Dasie is our second baby - we have a beautiful son of 3 and a half)

The weekend our hearts were ripped out, I had noticed less movement on the Saturday, but then she gave us some good belly moving kicks in the evening that reassured us. Then Sunday we were at a christening and I hadn't felt much but assumed she was resting r as were were out and about. That evening whilst at work on a night shift (I'm a nurse) I started feeling sick... With worry. I knew something was wrong, so when I went to get monitored ... There was no sound on the Doppler. They scanned me, and there was no movement in her chest. Everything was still and her heart wasn't beating. Our consultant appointment with post mitten results is next Friday. Although they are suspecting a placental abruption.

I was very lucky and 'bled' for only 2-3 days (heavy bleeding) and then it was just spotting on and off until I was 2 weeks postpartum. We started to be 'intimate' after a week... Not to 'try' but because our hearts were broken and this has bought us so much closer, I find my husband more attractive now that when we first started dating. We are however not using protection, and in my eyes the sooner I fall pregnant the better. I don't want to replace my little girl... I couldn't. But i still want a baby in my arm.

I hope you are all successful at getting your rainbows ... Everyone tells me to let our wounds heal. But they never will. And the thought of a healthy baby to bring home is the hope that keeps us going at the moment. Xxx

 

[thumpette]

So sorry to hear that sjn21, life really is so cruel. While we were trying and now I'm forever seeing heavily pregnant women smoking or parents screaming at their kids for no reason or just generally being shit parents and I feel so angry that they have healthy children with no appreciation for them. At first I was so angry that we are good people who would be good loving parents so why did it happen to us, but since I've connected with other people in parents support groups or online I realise they are all amazing people too- life is just incredibly cruel and unjust.

What was your little girl's name?

I completely know what you mean about being closer to your husband, mine has been amazing, he was with me every step of the way through labour and when I saw the love in his eyes for Max I fell more in love with him for that than I ever knew possible.

As unspeakably awful as this has been I'm determined that Max's legacy will be to make us a stronger couple who can cope with anything life throws at us, because what could be worse than this? When we hopefully do have our living child (or hopefully children) it'll make us better parents too.

I hope your results go well on Friday and that there's nothing which is likely to reoccur. Xxx

 

[thumpette]

I've finally got enough posts to share my blog link if anyone would like to read it. It's got some pics of our precious little boy in it too. People have told me that especially the first entry 'tgere are no words' helped them explain to family and friends what they needed as support.
https://l4stars.wordpress.com

 

[Blu10]

Thumpette, your blog is heartbreaking and full if raw emotion, I wish this hadn't happened to you and your DH. Max is so so beautiful and perfect. I really hope you get your rainbow baby soon and Max will be watching you all from the stars 😇 xx

 

[Natnee]

Hi sjn21, so sorry to read about Dasie. It's so cruel isn't it, why did this have to happen to us. I don't know about you but I would read or hear about this happening to people but it would never cross my mind that it would happen to me. I think even now it seems like it's all been a dream. I'll be going about my business and that 1% of the time where Poppy isn't on my mind will suddenly snap back to reality and I realise it wasn't a dream and it just hits me like a ton of bricks again. Again and again. It only happens to other people, including my own mum, 40 years ago my older brother was stillborn, full term. Therefore it wouldn't possibly happen to me, as these things don't strike people so close. How silly and naive I was.

Thumpette I have just read your blog. I didn't at first when I noticed you'd posted the link to it earlier, as I just thought it would be too upsetting. However I was wrong. It was so moving and yes I did have tears rolling down my face but because you have completely captured every emotion I have felt and still feel. That line. I think back to the weeks/months before Poppy was born and completely oblivious to what was about to shatter my world, now there's that line. Certain songs I can't listen to because it reminds me of being pregnant. My husband has just read it too and he thought it was really lovely.

I must ask if that's ok where you got the little star plaque from, I really love that. The words are beautiful. I keep thinking rainbows are signs, although not always the case. Last month Belle chose a little rainbow ornament to go into our fish tank, I think I was just about into the 2ww that month and thought it was a sign, alas not. I'm just going into the 2ww again, and yesterday we went to Build a Bear with her, and she chose to make a rainbow coloured bunny. Again I see it as a sign!! Silly I know!

 

[thumpette]

Not silly at all Nat- I really hope the little rainbow bear is your good luck charm this month.

My friend got me the little star somewhere in London, will check with her where but I had a look and found it online here: https://www.sincerity-by-jules.co.u...ok-for-rainbows-when-its-dark-look-for-stars/

 

[Natnee]

Not silly at all Nat- I really hope the little rainbow bear is your good luck charm this month.

My friend got me the little star somewhere in London, will check with her where but I had a look and found it online here: https://www.sincerity-by-jules.co.u...ok-for-rainbows-when-its-dark-look-for-stars/

Aww brilliant. Now i've seen the make, I've just contacted a little shop near me, they sell the East of India plaques, while she doesn't have that one in stock she's going to order me one in specially!! Thanks for that, I love it!!!

 

[thumpette]

I love it too- it's funny how the smallest little thing can make such a difference. It totally inspired me to write the blog and inspired me to really try to live my life by the positive message it shares. We can't make this pain go away, can't stop the rain or light the dark sky but we can choose how we deal with the cruel hand we've been dealt.

I had a really tough day yesterday but last night I came up with an idea that I love that I wanted to share with ye.

I've decided to make a scrapbook for Max to tell his story. I'm going to start with a pic of his positive pregnancy test, write about how I felt, how I told my husband, what my early symptoms were etc. then I'm going to add loads of photos and stories about the pregnancy, concerts I went to while I was pregnant, what foods I liked eating, what his kicks were like. Then pics of the clothes we bought for him, pics of decorating his nursery.

Then obviously the pics of him and of us all together.

The thing I love the most about the idea is that doesn't have to be the end. I want to keep adding pics of his name written in the sand in all the countries us and our friends have done it and will continue to. We both intend to get fit and to do runs for charity in his name, we can add them. Then hopefully in years to come when we have more kids they can read the book and Max will feel real to them and they can draw little pictures for him and add them into his book. I have this image in my head of a future child drawing our family portrait of little stick people, and always adding a little star in the picture to show their big brother who will be always with us.

I love how this idea doesn't have an end date, it can carry on into the future indefinitely so long as we keep remembering him. Xx