TTC straining our relationship...

[WannabeDad]

Hi, I just found this place, and while I see mostly women posting, I hope folks don't mind a guy chiming in.

My wife and I are 6 months in and are getting so frustrated. Like so many of the stories I've read on here, we thought it would be easy. Go off BC and wham, kid on the way! I wish!

For me its gotten to the point where I'm so tired of BD with a purpose that I find it difficult to find the mood at any time in the month. And the last thing I want is to tell the woman I love most in the world that I'm not feeling attracted to her when she wants to jump me. She already feels like like she's not doing enough and I'm beating myself up and stressing over it so it just makes it harder. Does anyone have any suggestions or insights?

 

[LilLeafyLea]

Hi Wannabe, It's nice to see a more male presence on the site, it gives me a different point of view and confirmation of what my oh tells me! It can be frustratingly easy to get into a rut ttc and unlike the age old assumption, men can't just 'switch it on' and this is especially so if they feel under pressure to DTD.

What I would suggest is going on a little weekend break if you can. Me and my oh did this and it's amazing what a change of scenery, a change to daily life and some fresh air can do to reinvigorate you both. We found a really cheap deal and booked it on the spot so that there was no time to talk ourselves out of it. We didn't discuss TTC and got the fun back into BD'ing.

Anything that puts the focus back on to eachother rather than BD'ing for a purpose is good so possibly changing things up a little BD wise (possibly not calling it 'baby dance' for the purposes of this conversation may help, sorry lol), going out for a few drinks, a meal, giving each other massages etc.

Also it may be useful to you if you could ask your oh to not tell you when she is ovulating and therefore most fertile. Instead, it may be interesting for you both if she could possibly get you in the mood and then refuse you sex for a few days leading up to D-day so you are raring to go when you have access lol Again, this seems to have worked for me and helped to take the pressure off oh.

Wishing you both the best of luck and if you or your oh need any support we're here

 

[josephine3]

Wow its lovely to see a man here i think there is 3 or 4 men here and i think there is even a male only section.

It really shows u care so much about this. So nice to see a man who doesnt think we all crazy lol.

I would just say give your wife all the support she needs as she probly feels its her fault too. Myself and my partner have been trying for about a year but we are more just not preventing than trying. Try just doing it when u feel like it rather than on a particular day for a couple of months to take the pressure off. Try and keep sex fun and flirty and not think about the ttc part of it..maybe take her for a meal, flowers, romance...
I wish my partner was so involved in the process as u are!
She's a lucky lady hehe good luck sorry i am not more help. Xx

 

[Futuremommy1]

welcome wannabedad! It's nice to here a male's pov. Like Lea mentioned I actually do usually tell my husband when I'm ovulating so that he doesn't feel like I'm just using him. As long as AF isn't around we go at it when we want it.

Taking a break whether a weekend or a full blown vacation where opks, and pg tests don't exist. Talk about other things reconnect as a couple and appreciate the fact that you can up and go away for a weekend without having to find someone to watch your future children. (at least that is what I try and tell myself).

Ask her what she needs from you and remember to tell her how you feel. My husband while very supportive, he's not forth coming on how this is all making him feel so I don't know if he's getting annoyed or tired with our life.

 

[newgirl79]

Hi Wannabe,

I'd echo the other comments- it's so hard to keep things exciting when there's suddenly this whole other agenda to your sex life! My husband and I have been trying just over six months too and we've found that just going for regular BDing throughout the month has been most helpful for us. (And never calling it BDing as Lileafy says!!) We're not doing any charting or temping or monitoring anything as this seemed like it would be too stressful for us. As the aim of all that is to help you time sex anyway we thought just going for the regular approach would be less 'forced'. My hubby made it very clear early on that he would struggle to get in the mood if he felt like we were doing it to order!!

Also don't know if you're in the UK and have read the NHS guidelines- they advise against trying to time sex as this can be really stressful and therefore counter-productive- instead they just advise BDing every 2-3 days throughout the month. I suppose it could in theory take a bit longer this way if you miss the crucial day but I think for us it's the easier way to go. We've found mixing up the time of day etc helps too.

This whole process is so much harder than you might imagine for definite!!! Take care all x

 

[WannabeDad]

Thank you all for the kind welcome and the suggestions! I'll definitely keep them in mind as much as possible. I think some of the stress has actually come from not charting or monitoring. Prior to deciding to try, our sex life was usually 1-2 times a week, and now for our first six months we've gone on the idea of BDing every 2-3 days for a couple weeks without really know exactly when we should really try.

This month she started charting and we've got some clearblue digital tests on the way. Hopefully that'll help and we can get back to enjoying things the rest of the time. I guess its just frustrating as a male to be telling your wife you're tired of what used to be such a fun activity.