TTC, Travel, and Timing

[Suki73]

Hi ladies,

I'm thowing out a question to all of you gals because you know what it's like to want to conceive at this age. I turned 38 in March and my OH and I would like a child. However, I've been offered a semester's work at a university in the US (I live in the UK). This starts in January next year and ends in mid May. It's a terrific opportunity for me careerwise, and we also really need the money. But I'm now worried about whether I should ttc at all this year.

Bottom line is, we want a child and I'm getting older. It's not a decision I want to defer any further and my instincts are telling me not to.

It's a matter of timing ttc, getting lucky during that timing (what are the odds ) and then being pregnant on my own in a different country, because my OH will be working back home

I have all sorts of worries about freaking my employers out by turning up pregnant, travelling while pregnant, health insurance, scans, etc. in another country (I will have health insurance under my job), the risks of anything going wrong, and my OH missing out on the pregnancy too.

Not to mention difficulties conceiving, in which case the issue will be moot, but we'll have a whole five months or so of not trying at all...

But if we leave it I will be another year older before we can seriously try.

Just wondering what you ladies would do??

 

[dachsundmom]

I don't think that I would take the time off, but that's just me. If you are going to have health insurance here in the States, then you have that part covered...does it include scans and prescriptions?

I don't know if you are heading to what we consider a major university with a medical school, but sometimes the best medical care comes from these types of institutions, as they are also teaching, so they are aware of the latest and greatest.

Which will worry you more, not trying during this time or taking the time off? I think they are both tough decisions, each in its own way.

 

[Macwooly]

Goodness what a dilemma You'll hate me but I honestly wouldn't know what to advise.

Would you have regrets if you stopped TTC? Or would you have more regrets if you DH misses out on scans, etc?

I'm sure the ladies from the US can advise how things work in the US with regards to pregnancy, etc which may help you reach your decision.

Sorry I can't be more help but wishing you all the best whatever you decide

 

[Suki73]

Thanks Dachshundmom and Macwooly

My instincts tell me to go right ahead - if we were being sensible we'd try this year from October on. All being well (and that's a big 'if") and IF we got lucky during those 3 to 4 months, I *should* be ok to travel and work. That's IF the preg was ok.

I'm an extremely cautious person by nature - "control freak" is the mean way of putting it - but to be honest I think if we want a child (and we do) we should probably proceed. I don't want to tempt fate further by waiting for another 'more convenient time' - I've spent most of my fertile life waiting for a more convenient time and all I've realised about having babies is that there is no right time. The right time is whenever it happens.

I don't think my OH is the type to be particularly worried by missing out on scans to be honest, although I may be wrong about that. He's more the type to be enthusiastic about a child when it's possible to have a relationship with it!

It's just dealing with the added worry regarding pre-natal tests, possible problems etc...

 

[dachsundmom]

In hindsight, all I can tell you is, that the best things that have happened in my life, have been the things I didn't see coming.

If you have any questions of US healthcare, feel free to ask. We don't have any type of socialized coverage, so it can get very confusing. I take that back, there are programs in place for low income families with dependent children, but that doesn't apply here.

 

[Suki73]

Dachshundmom,

Agree totally, you can't legislate for everything in your life. I love that saying of John Lennon: "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans". The best things tend to come out of the blue.

I might think of a few questions about US healthcare and get back to you, if that's ok?

 

[dachsundmom]

Dachshundmom,

Agree totally, you can't legislate for everything in your life. I love that saying of John Lennon: "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans". The best things tend to come out of the blue.

I might think of a few questions about US healthcare and get back to you, if that's ok?

Of course it is!

 

[Wendyk07]

I think you answered your own question hun.

"Bottom line is, we want a child and I'm getting older. It's not a decision I want to defer any further and my instincts are telling me not to. "

Its a hard one though with such a great career opportunity but i am sure there will be other offers in the future should you decide not to take this one.

I know that faced with your dilema that i would stay home and continue as is. I am such a home body and where i would love to got to the states i would like to do this with my DH and couldnt without.

Sorry i am not as much help but i hav to be honest.

We will be here for you whatever you decide.

 

[NorthStar]

It's really lonely moving for career without your partner, especially could be hard at a time when you might need some extra support...

But you have to do what's right for YOU at the end of the day.

I'm planning a trip to Africa myself later in the year so I'm not against travelling whilst PG per se, but it's one thing to be away for 2 weeks, another thing to be gone for 5 months.

It's a tough gig, I've done it myself (not pregnant) and I wouldn't really be up for doing it again.

 

[Suki73]

Thanks Wendy and Northstar

Yes, it is very tough travelling and dealing with a separation for careers. We had a long distance relationship and coped very well but it wasn't so long distance that we couldn't see each other most weekends. And pg it would probably be ten times tougher. Oddly enough, I think it might be tougher on him than on me.

It's a difficult one and we are going to have to weigh up all the options. As difficult as it is, though, I think having a child together would be worth it in the end...

Isn't this the 'having your cake and eating it' thing that women of our generation get scolded about in the papers? Grrr. Sometimes I think it's so much easier for men

BTW Northstar, you could be travelling while pg, you never know?

 

[NorthStar]

For sure it's the having it all myth at work, and it's a tough call to make, to put your life on hold and pass this up, or take the riskier path.

I can only talk from my personal experience but moving to a new place by myself and thinking not a single person there can you call up and say let's go for coffees/wine/movies whatever it is really hard, it's the loneliest I've ever felt in my life and I'm NO shrinking violet.

And going there as a separated married, people don't really know how to treat you ie you're kind of married, but kind of single/alone (well that was my exp) - but then it's also a fantastic opportunity....

If you felt WELL when you were pregnant it could be fine, but if you had a tougher pregnancy hmmm not so much.

 

[ChrissiK]

Funny enough I was wrestling with a very similar decision this past month.
I'm 38 and have just gotten my foot back in the door at a university here in the UK after moving from the US 2 years ago. Now a maternity cover (the irony!) is coming up and I am first in line to get it - BUT it's 2h travel each day and I already have 2 kids that would need an Au Pair. On the other hand it is a once in a life time opportunity.

On my list of things to do in my life there is "teach at a university" and "have a third child". Now they seem to collide and be mutually exclusive, since I can't take time off from a 10 months cover- it's either all or nothing.

So I decided we were going to try REALLY hard for the 3 months before I have to hand in my application. I did everything right - traced ovulation, DTD etc just like when I fell pregnant with my other two - yet here I am still not pregnant.

So I decided not to put my life on hold any longer. I think the worst would be to not fall pregnant all year and think "I should have taken that job" because then at least one dream would have come true and I would have something to distract me from the failing TTC.

I would leave it up to fate. Get the job AND start trying now. If you are pregnant - great and well done (and I'm sure he can arrange a visit for the birth), if not you can start getting tests done. You can also try to time pregnancy so that you will be pregnant for the second half of your US time (from visits or - yes - his frozen sperm!)

Not sure whether this helps - let us know what you decide!

 

[velo]

One thing to consider might be the health insurance you'd get with your job may not cover the pregnancy since it would be a "pre-existing condition".

If you try, and aren't successful, are you okay with missing out on 5 months of TTC?

Is there any possibility for your DH to be able to come with you?

 

[Indigo77]

I agree with Chris...Go for both if you really want both....
I know it's a leap of faith, but things will work out as they are supposed to work out...

 

[Shelley71]

I'm with Chris and Indigo - go for both.

Worst case scenario: you get PG and decide you can't do it alone? Then don't go. Sure, you miss the opportunity, but you get something amazing in return that you will never regret. On the other hand, you get PG, come here and things go great and you end up at home at the end.

I'd definitely double check the insurance situation. It is REALLY tricky here as to what they will pay and what they won't.

Where in the US will you be?

 

[Suki73]

Chris, yes, it's a really tough one. I guess I'm influenced by this being my only chance to conceive - it would be a first pregnancy. Neither of us has ever tried before. So it's last chance saloon here.

The job is a great opportunity, and my OH is also very keen for me to take it, as it might make things easier for us down the line as well. He's a bit more optimistic (or less realistic?!) than I am about getting pregnant and having a healthy child at our age. I am extremely conscious of the risks involved in a late pregnancy, on the other hand.

I completely understand where you're coming from - imagine how it would feel to refuse the job and then not get pregnant! And I have no certainty or past record in that area to draw conclusions from!

IF, IF we did get lucky during October, November or December I see no reason IF it's an ok pregnancy that I shouldn't travel and work. But there are lots of ifs there...

Best of luck in the new job, by the way!!!

 

[Suki73]

One thing to consider might be the health insurance you'd get with your job may not cover the pregnancy since it would be a "pre-existing condition".

If you try, and aren't successful, are you okay with missing out on 5 months of TTC?

Is there any possibility for your DH to be able to come with you?

Velo, that's a really good point, and something I hadn't considered. Wonder how I tactfully make inquiries about whether it covers pregnancy, lol?

Unfortunately my OH isn't able to come, he's in the first year of a brand new position and no possibility of leave for a while yet

Not really ok about missing out on trying for 5 months - although I guess we could try to schedule some VERY well-timed visits

 

[Suki73]

Indigo and Shelley - not excluding one of those possibilities is my gut instinct, I have to say. It's a risk, but I would hope to be able to deal with it.

It may well be moot, because we might not even get pregnant with 3-4 months trying. At our age, that's a real possibility. But if I don't try I'll be worrying about leaving it and speculating about whether we're fertile or not.

Thanks ladies for all the interesting points of view here; it's great to be able to discuss this with people who know where I'm coming from with the ttc aspect!

 

[ChrissiK]

Thanks ladies for all the interesting points of view here; it's great to be able to discuss this with people who know where I'm coming from with the ttc aspect!

I know!
TTC totally changes the equation, but you can't tell people when weighing pros and cons!!
I had the same problem - without TTC it would be a no-brainer decision!

I have one last AF to arrive the same week the application is due. Hope dies last, so I will have everything ready to hand it, but won't press the send button until the witch has landed!

 

[FragileDoll]

If you and your OH are keen to take the job, go for it. Keeping in mind that getting pregnant is sometimes very frustrating, not all of the women who are TTC get pregnant right away. There is months of practice which plays the role, in order to get pregnant. I guess you can start BD before you leave and hopefully get a BFP. I know one can't enjoy pregnancy to the fullest without their partner being around. Pregnancy is a miracle, which brings lots of happiness and surprises all the way to 9 months.

If you can go with out TTC during all those months, then go for it. Good luck, lots of baby dust to you, hun.