TTC with ED Hubby & relationship breakdown

[Mrs Jewksey]

Hi everyone, I'll try & keep this short & sweet... or turn it into a rant, but please try not to R&R!

We have been TTC for over 3 years now, but its become so hard I gave up a few months ago.
My problem is, I got married to a man with ED (Erectile Dysfunction) & it has to be one of the hardest things to deal with in a marriage. We used to have sex 2-5 times a week, which was perfectly acceptable to me because even if he failed to maintain an erection, I knew I wouldn't have long to wait until next time. That was 5 years ago & has slowly dwindled down to barely once a month, especially the past 6 months. Now my husband has decided it is not important for our marriage to have sex at all because it is not enjoyable for him because of the ED.

I never dream't I would have to live like this after we got married because over the 2 years before we got married when we were living with our parents I always believed him when he said it would change when we got our own place & married.
The month we got our own home, the sex stopped to a bare minimum of twice a month, always initiated by me & he would (with resignation) give in which over the years made me feel smaller & more & more insignificant, like I was unreasonable. The amount of nights I cried in the living room could not be counted. We have no intimacy anymore & I feel angry & resentful & small. Constantly. So much so that when we do try have sex once in a blue moon I just feel like pushing him away & crying. Or punching him in the face. I haven't enjoyed sex with him for the past 6-8 months at all. If anything its become incredibly painful, both physically & emotionally with anger & misery, but something in me still wants to try to initiate it. And he knows because he says he can see it in my face when we do have sex. I'm like a closed book. Our entire marriage is suffering outside of the bedroom to because of this.

I've tried being supportive & excusing his excuses, I've not put any pressure on him at all, but it hasn't made a blind bit of difference... If anything its made it worse because he is now perfectly happy to ignore my needs down to a T.
I no longer do much of the housework or greet him at the door. Why should I? I get nothing back except the honor of seeing him on the x-box at night after he's been to work & cooked tea.
So I watch TV more in the bedroom & ignore him back. Some days I'll stay in the bedroom nearly all day when he is home just so I don't have to talk to him.
I know its not normal to feel resentment to this degree, but I can't seem to stop it. Every time I calm down & try to be normal, he just winds me up because I cannot seem to connect with him on any level & I feel like I'm the one who is putting all the work into trying to connect constantly.

I've tried to look good everyday. I've tried waiting on him hand & foot. I've tried new things in the bedroom. I've tried ignoring him. I've tried talking to him. I've tried telling him whats wrong. I've tried to make it better.

And all he can do is give me the same stupid excuses "I'm just not that interested in sex" "Your not normal" "You knew I had problems when we met" "I'm not seeing a doctor, they won't do anything & I don't want to take tablets" & the real killer "So go off & find another f*cking man then if I'm not giving you what you want!"

So, I essentially have to suffer because of my selfish husband. Or find another man (tempting, but fortunately for him I am faithful).

I just feel so full of hatred towards this man daily, I don't even know if its possible to work past it. He says its his ED yet he can maintain a hard erection in his sleep (as most men do) & as I have noticed when we are in bed. So talk about B*llsh*t!

I don't know what to do. I've posted this thread hear because I'm hoping to hear some advice from the successful couples who are in a relationship that's solid enough to TTC & understand to some degree the pain I am going through.
For the past 3 months it has been like this...
We don't kiss. I can't stand it, it just infuriates me & makes me feel like I'm being submissive to him. We couldn't cuddle for 10 minutes without his phone going off & him running off to work. So that stopped & we don't cuddle. I fall asleep on the very edge of the bed each night away from him & with my back turned on him, although he does try to cuddle me then, but I reject him. I don't want him to have the comfort of cuddling me anymore.
The only surprising thing is when we argue he does not bat an eyelid with his replies. Which just tells me what I already know... He doesn't care, even though he says he does. Actions in my book, speak louder than words. Well if he cares so much, where is the proof?
I have spent time doing hobbies & planning my own business in the future. I distract myself with work or gardening. But when I have stopped with my plans & hobbies, & look at my relationship, it is like a slap in the face.

I'm running constantly between anger & depression & it shouldn't be like this. I can't even cry anymore (although I feel like it) because I simply haven't any emotional energy left. From the moment I wake up, to the moment I go to sleep I just feel like I'm throwing all this negative energy at him & he can't even be bothered to try & make me feel better. All I want is for him to talk to me properly for an hour a day or so, but he can't even do that. He just goes out all day, sees his mates or invites them over, or goes on his stupid decks (DJ equipment) when he is home or on the x-box & ignores me completely, sometimes for hours.

An example of my day was I spent 6 hours alone in the dark in the bedroom with no TV because he invited his 2 mates over & system linked Xboxes in the living room, so hence, they pinched the tv out of the bedroom. I was invited to join them, but didn't because I felt that I just couldn't put a happy face on. So I went to bed with the excuse I had a terrible headache, but I didn't sleep. Then Hubby came into the bedroom & said I was basically selfish for not joining in & acting the happy hostess & just walked out again. I just lay in bed resisting the hate & the temptation to walk in the living room & kick-off at him & tell his mates to leave. Then he did his own tea (none for me) & I didn't get up or get a meal until after his friends left at about 12.30am because I didn't think I could keep my big mouth shut if anyone spoke to me.

And hubby, well, he's just acting like its all me. Everythings fine to him. He comes in smiling & behaves like everything is normal, happy & fine until I snap at him & then he just laughs at me & tells me not to be silly. He makes me cuppa's & cooks my tea etc like he always has. Its like he's just avoiding the entire issue. Even when we argue he just cuts straight to the chase & goes out of the front door for a few hours & comes home & asks if I've cooled off yet. He hardly argues back, which annoys me even more because he can just "escape" me so I never get to voice my thoughts properly (& there are many).

There is no relationship. We are living like brother & sister. There is no connection between us, it has disappeared because of years of feeling belittled & stupid because of what he says to me & the amount of rejection I have put up with myself in the past from him. A few times I tried every night for a week (years ago) & he rejected me each time with a different excuse. Even my grandmother had a go at him because it was upsetting me so much. She told him not to be so bloody stupid = after he told her he found sex "disgusting" & she also told him he could not expect to keep any woman with an attitude like that. Then she began talking about her & my grandfathers sex life when they were young (CRINGE) although she definitely knew a thing or two about how important it was. She told us its not just about fun or emotions, it helps you to bond & stay bonded at a deeper level. How can I feel close to someone I know is making excuses after so long? There is no communication at all apart from my anger & his mickey-taking.

I've got nowhere to get away, we are private renting & I have no family or friends with room for me to stay with them for a few days. I just feel like I really need space to work over things & decide whether or not to stay in this relationship & what can be done when I have tried so much in the past already.


The fact that I was much happier in the beginning was why we first started TTC. Back then I felt our relationship was secure as we had already been through so much. Now I don't know anymore & I am certainly not going to TTC in such a relationship until it gets & stays good. So don't worry about that readers.

If anyone has any advice or has been in a similar situation I really need some input, thanks.

Oh and further input.... this situation has taken 4 years to build up to this degree & the past year has been the worst (since we married). I could forgive him if he made the effort & things improved, but he just won't & I know this which is why I am so angry with him.

 

[OhTheJoy]

Do you love him? as in truly love him? and does he feel the same way about you? most problems can be fixed including lack of love, but it must be something you both want.

I would sit him down and talk to him, if he wont listen write it down (make a copy of it incase he rips it up etc) and tell him to read it, if he wont at least do one of these then ill be frank, he isnt worth it. Problems can be fixed, love can be restored but only if there is communication, without this and without trying on both sides it wont work.

He also needs to decide if his embarrassment about going to the doctors is more important than having a child, because if it is then TTC'ing will never happen and if its something you want and need in your life and he cant give you that, then you only have 2 options.

None of this is nice, im sorry about that but i didnt want to say it will all be alright and 5 years down the line its the same or worse.

 

[weebubba]

I agree communication is of utmost importance. Sounds like he is happy to bury his head. It also sounds as though you have attempted communication many times only to have it thrown back at you.

Im not sure if I could stay in a relationship that made me so unhappy. Im so sorry he is not even willing to meet you half way, but I do think you need to put YOUR happiness first.

I hope it all works out well for you and sooner rather than later.

 

[Biscuitbaby]

I've felt a lot like you have described with my oh xx he doesn't suffer from the same problem but he doesn't have much of a libido we used to sit in different rooms and just pass each other in the hallway xx I also tried different ways of making it better to xx
I suppose I was lucky in the end and he woke up to how bad it was! its not brilliant now, but it's getting there! We both agreed that we both want it, you can't do this on your own you need him to talk xx
I'm sorry I'm not much help here, I think ohthejoy said it right first time xx I just wanted to send you a huge hug and tell you it can work out and I hope it does xx

 

[redlemonade]

I'm really sorry to read this, it's a tough situation. Yes, communication is key but it sounds like you've been trying this by yourself in many forms. To be honest, it sounds like marriage counseling could help. This is more than ED, this is an overall relationship problem. Maybe this is something he won't go for (it sounds like he'd balk at the idea) but you should consider it for yourself at least.

One this that raised an alarm for me was that you said he commented that sex was "disgusting" - are you aware of anything in his past that would make him feel that way? I'm not trying to make excuses for him but just wondering how he came to this conclusion.

If I were you, I'd show him this post. Let him see it in writing as sometimes when we talk we get interrupted or he could walk off. Even if he won't attend counseling or doctors, would you go by yourself? Try this first because I'd bet you guys also have some happy memories and you can get back to that again, with some work.

Good luck!

 

[lizzye]

you poor thing
I feel like i could have posted this myself
only without the ED
when we met my husband couldnt get enough of me
but after a year the sex dwindled into a distant memory - we have been 4 or 5 months without it before
We got married in December and want to have a baby - we previously fell pregnant without 'trying' i went off the pill because i said it was pointless being on it if we dont have sex - and we had sex once without protection and landed up pregnant (ectopic - removed at 11w4d)
anyway we are now serious about trying - and he keeps telling me how badly he wanst a baby
but we NEVER have sex
maybe once a month
if im lucky
and he just says he is trying but i dont see the difference
i wish there was an answer
i love him so much, i dont want anyone else
but im terrified of getting older and not getting my chance to be a mom too
((HUGS))

 

[Cadams12]

I agree that this seems like an issue wayyyy past ED. I think you both have a lot to work out, your post came across with a lot of anger and hate, and if you feel that way you really need to have a serious talk. I can't relate your problem to my current marriage, but I can relate it to my previous marriage. Which obviously did not work out. I really think that you both need to talk to a counselor, or you are going to end up walking away, and I'd hate that for you. I feel like he really doesn't understand how you feel, and that's why he always seems to blow it off. I hope nothing but the best outcome for you two, but I think you need to start over and find the deeper problems. `

 

[Zeri]

A lot of girls on the 'Trying to Conceive over 35' Board have this issue. Maybe you should read the 'lack of intimacy and dtd- thread and you'll see that you're definitely not alone! I'm a part of that group and I can relate to the feeling of frustration and inadequacy and rejection....and feeling like your living with a roommate or brother instead of a lover. I have the same issues with DH - but he's 45 and I think he suffers from low testosterone. How old is your DH? It's likely that he has the same issue - my DH has never been tested but based on the symptoms I"m pretty sure he has it. It can be helped with supplements, exercise, etc, but only if your OH is willing to do what it takes. It's upsetting that he won't go to the doctor....but it's definitely not normal for him to not be interested at all in sex. Does he want a baby? Would he be willing to take something that's advertised as improving his overall health and vitality? If he's not willing to do anything all, how do you see things playing out?

* I noticed that you said he can maintain an erection in his sleep but not during sex? Makes me wonder if his 'ED' his psychological - could he be feeling anxious about having a baby, or dealing with resentment and anger towards you - thus not wanting to be intimate?

 

[cookette]

I am so very sorry I truly believe you want it with this man, but something is between you. The fact that he wont even try ED tabs or anything to even make an effort is deeply disapointing.

Im going to mention something my DH once told me about a girlfriend when she was complaining of a similar situation- under a lot of stress or constant nagging, most of the time its guaranteed to NOT work. I am not saying you nag at all, you said yourself you even tried waiting on him hand and foot. Is something else stressing him? If he just putting on an outward show for everyone? As pp's have said, theres obviously a deeper issue in play here.

Im blessed to have a fantastic night life with my DH, always have for 6 years now, HOWEVER: He has miserable allergies every spring and every fall, to the point he is so uncomfortable he can barely function, and then the BD'ing goes to NONE for weeks on end until he feels better. Its a difficult sitation because we tend to be at odds with one another more during this time, living like roomates, loss of intimacy, etc. Im grateful my situation has a cause and a solution, but its miserable none the less.

My heart goes out to you having to work in the blind on this, hugs your way.

 

[Myshelsong]

Although me and hubby have different issues and problems there are things that you mentioned that resonate with me and our infertility struggle.

There have been months (closer to a year) were we seem like roomates and where we really did not connect at all. This came to a head way about 4 months ago with my hubby. We have been actively ttc for 2 years and things just aren’t happening. For awhile we were only having sex 2 x 3 times a month and only during my fertile window. It was and is frustrating.

Finally it came to a headway, and when I get upset and angry I get bitter mean and loud. So we had it out, me screaming and crying and him listening and also crying (at the end). I told him I loved him but that I was at my breaking point and it was either he admits we need to work on this both equally or I was out. I told him I did not want to leave, that I loved him so much but that enough was enough I did not sign up to be roommates who barely slept together and did nothing but watch tv all the time. I explained that I was a sexual person and although he has always had a low libido that we use to have sex way more than we were now, and we weren’t even trying. I was totally honest, I told him right now I am not going to cheat that I didn’t want to find someone else, but I could not say in a year or three years if that would still be the same. Actually I told him I would end up cheating, I would hate myself for it but I would hate him more for not listening to what I was telling him. I was for once completely honest at where I saw ourselves in the next few years and that I didn’t want to be there.
I gave him a list of three things that I need him to do to feel loved. I explained that I do not feel love by buying presents or words, but actions. I want to ask him to do something he does it, I want him to say he is going to do something he does it etc.
I told him how important having a baby was to me and I asked if he was really interested in having a kid and that if he didn’t want children then we should part ways now because I cannot imagine my life without children. We were honest with each other and both really really do want to have a baby together, but are both suffering because it is not happening naturally.
I asked if he was willing to get tests done like I had to make sure everything was ok, and if it wasn’t would he be willing to take drugs or vitamins to fix the problem. I explained that if he wasn’t willing to do either that we could look at two routes moving forward. One I get donor sperm after 6 months (if all my tests come back positive and still no positive) or we sign up for adoption.
Thankfully he finally understood what was going on with me and our marriage and I finally found out what the f* was going on with him. I am happy it happened the way that it did, but to be honest I was at a point that if he really honestly was still going to give me the cold shoulder, wouldn’t work on our relationship I was packing my bags knowing that I did everything that I could. One person cannot make a marriage, but one person can really destroy one.

The reason for my story is because I think you need to have it out. It has been to long, he has to see what he is doing to you emotionally and stop sabotaging your relationship and start working toward fixing it. If not you have to figure out if you are done and be ok with knowing you did all that you could do and be ok with walking away from it. I know that it is hard to come to that point trust me I was there, we are still struggling and working towards a better life but things have improved so much. Where I would once shudder at getting a hug from behind and a kiss on the neck, I am now leaning into it and enjoying it again … most of the time.

sorry for the long story but hope it helped.

 

[Hassie]

I am so sorry that your having such a hard time at the moment.

I think writing down how you feel was a good start as it should help you formulate your thoughts and feelings. I agree that you need to have it out with him but I would do that until you decide what you really want. I would write that too with a plan of how you can achieve those things together or alone.

I know that you might think this is mad but you can always go to couples councelling alone if he wont go wiith you. It will give you space to think and consider how you can change your role in the interaction with OH.

I am not sure if you work or have hobbies but if you dont it is really good to have things and people outside a relationship to give you space, company and something to talk about and if the worst happens you wont be totally alone.

I wish you all the best x