Mrs Jewksey
On cycle 27
- Joined
- Sep 23, 2012
- Messages
- 112
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Hi everyone, I'll try & keep this short & sweet... or turn it into a rant, but please try not to R&R!
We have been TTC for over 3 years now, but its become so hard I gave up a few months ago.
My problem is, I got married to a man with ED (Erectile Dysfunction) & it has to be one of the hardest things to deal with in a marriage. We used to have sex 2-5 times a week, which was perfectly acceptable to me because even if he failed to maintain an erection, I knew I wouldn't have long to wait until next time. That was 5 years ago & has slowly dwindled down to barely once a month, especially the past 6 months. Now my husband has decided it is not important for our marriage to have sex at all because it is not enjoyable for him because of the ED.
I never dream't I would have to live like this after we got married because over the 2 years before we got married when we were living with our parents I always believed him when he said it would change when we got our own place & married.
The month we got our own home, the sex stopped to a bare minimum of twice a month, always initiated by me & he would (with resignation) give in which over the years made me feel smaller & more & more insignificant, like I was unreasonable. The amount of nights I cried in the living room could not be counted. We have no intimacy anymore & I feel angry & resentful & small. Constantly. So much so that when we do try have sex once in a blue moon I just feel like pushing him away & crying. Or punching him in the face. I haven't enjoyed sex with him for the past 6-8 months at all. If anything its become incredibly painful, both physically & emotionally with anger & misery, but something in me still wants to try to initiate it. And he knows because he says he can see it in my face when we do have sex. I'm like a closed book. Our entire marriage is suffering outside of the bedroom to because of this.
I've tried being supportive & excusing his excuses, I've not put any pressure on him at all, but it hasn't made a blind bit of difference... If anything its made it worse because he is now perfectly happy to ignore my needs down to a T.
I no longer do much of the housework or greet him at the door. Why should I? I get nothing back except the honor of seeing him on the x-box at night after he's been to work & cooked tea.
So I watch TV more in the bedroom & ignore him back. Some days I'll stay in the bedroom nearly all day when he is home just so I don't have to talk to him.
I know its not normal to feel resentment to this degree, but I can't seem to stop it. Every time I calm down & try to be normal, he just winds me up because I cannot seem to connect with him on any level & I feel like I'm the one who is putting all the work into trying to connect constantly.
I've tried to look good everyday. I've tried waiting on him hand & foot. I've tried new things in the bedroom. I've tried ignoring him. I've tried talking to him. I've tried telling him whats wrong. I've tried to make it better.
And all he can do is give me the same stupid excuses "I'm just not that interested in sex" "Your not normal" "You knew I had problems when we met" "I'm not seeing a doctor, they won't do anything & I don't want to take tablets" & the real killer "So go off & find another f*cking man then if I'm not giving you what you want!"
So, I essentially have to suffer because of my selfish husband. Or find another man (tempting, but fortunately for him I am faithful).
I just feel so full of hatred towards this man daily, I don't even know if its possible to work past it. He says its his ED yet he can maintain a hard erection in his sleep (as most men do) & as I have noticed when we are in bed. So talk about B*llsh*t!
I don't know what to do. I've posted this thread hear because I'm hoping to hear some advice from the successful couples who are in a relationship that's solid enough to TTC & understand to some degree the pain I am going through.
For the past 3 months it has been like this...
We don't kiss. I can't stand it, it just infuriates me & makes me feel like I'm being submissive to him. We couldn't cuddle for 10 minutes without his phone going off & him running off to work. So that stopped & we don't cuddle. I fall asleep on the very edge of the bed each night away from him & with my back turned on him, although he does try to cuddle me then, but I reject him. I don't want him to have the comfort of cuddling me anymore.
The only surprising thing is when we argue he does not bat an eyelid with his replies. Which just tells me what I already know... He doesn't care, even though he says he does. Actions in my book, speak louder than words. Well if he cares so much, where is the proof?
I have spent time doing hobbies & planning my own business in the future. I distract myself with work or gardening. But when I have stopped with my plans & hobbies, & look at my relationship, it is like a slap in the face.
I'm running constantly between anger & depression & it shouldn't be like this. I can't even cry anymore (although I feel like it) because I simply haven't any emotional energy left. From the moment I wake up, to the moment I go to sleep I just feel like I'm throwing all this negative energy at him & he can't even be bothered to try & make me feel better. All I want is for him to talk to me properly for an hour a day or so, but he can't even do that. He just goes out all day, sees his mates or invites them over, or goes on his stupid decks (DJ equipment) when he is home or on the x-box & ignores me completely, sometimes for hours.
An example of my day was I spent 6 hours alone in the dark in the bedroom with no TV because he invited his 2 mates over & system linked Xboxes in the living room, so hence, they pinched the tv out of the bedroom. I was invited to join them, but didn't because I felt that I just couldn't put a happy face on. So I went to bed with the excuse I had a terrible headache, but I didn't sleep. Then Hubby came into the bedroom & said I was basically selfish for not joining in & acting the happy hostess & just walked out again. I just lay in bed resisting the hate & the temptation to walk in the living room & kick-off at him & tell his mates to leave. Then he did his own tea (none for me) & I didn't get up or get a meal until after his friends left at about 12.30am because I didn't think I could keep my big mouth shut if anyone spoke to me.
And hubby, well, he's just acting like its all me. Everythings fine to him. He comes in smiling & behaves like everything is normal, happy & fine until I snap at him & then he just laughs at me & tells me not to be silly. He makes me cuppa's & cooks my tea etc like he always has. Its like he's just avoiding the entire issue. Even when we argue he just cuts straight to the chase & goes out of the front door for a few hours & comes home & asks if I've cooled off yet. He hardly argues back, which annoys me even more because he can just "escape" me so I never get to voice my thoughts properly (& there are many).
There is no relationship. We are living like brother & sister. There is no connection between us, it has disappeared because of years of feeling belittled & stupid because of what he says to me & the amount of rejection I have put up with myself in the past from him. A few times I tried every night for a week (years ago) & he rejected me each time with a different excuse. Even my grandmother had a go at him because it was upsetting me so much. She told him not to be so bloody stupid = after he told her he found sex "disgusting" & she also told him he could not expect to keep any woman with an attitude like that. Then she began talking about her & my grandfathers sex life when they were young (CRINGE) although she definitely knew a thing or two about how important it was. She told us its not just about fun or emotions, it helps you to bond & stay bonded at a deeper level. How can I feel close to someone I know is making excuses after so long? There is no communication at all apart from my anger & his mickey-taking.
I've got nowhere to get away, we are private renting & I have no family or friends with room for me to stay with them for a few days. I just feel like I really need space to work over things & decide whether or not to stay in this relationship & what can be done when I have tried so much in the past already.
The fact that I was much happier in the beginning was why we first started TTC. Back then I felt our relationship was secure as we had already been through so much. Now I don't know anymore & I am certainly not going to TTC in such a relationship until it gets & stays good. So don't worry about that readers.
If anyone has any advice or has been in a similar situation I really need some input, thanks.
Oh and further input.... this situation has taken 4 years to build up to this degree & the past year has been the worst (since we married). I could forgive him if he made the effort & things improved, but he just won't & I know this which is why I am so angry with him.
We have been TTC for over 3 years now, but its become so hard I gave up a few months ago.
My problem is, I got married to a man with ED (Erectile Dysfunction) & it has to be one of the hardest things to deal with in a marriage. We used to have sex 2-5 times a week, which was perfectly acceptable to me because even if he failed to maintain an erection, I knew I wouldn't have long to wait until next time. That was 5 years ago & has slowly dwindled down to barely once a month, especially the past 6 months. Now my husband has decided it is not important for our marriage to have sex at all because it is not enjoyable for him because of the ED.
I never dream't I would have to live like this after we got married because over the 2 years before we got married when we were living with our parents I always believed him when he said it would change when we got our own place & married.
The month we got our own home, the sex stopped to a bare minimum of twice a month, always initiated by me & he would (with resignation) give in which over the years made me feel smaller & more & more insignificant, like I was unreasonable. The amount of nights I cried in the living room could not be counted. We have no intimacy anymore & I feel angry & resentful & small. Constantly. So much so that when we do try have sex once in a blue moon I just feel like pushing him away & crying. Or punching him in the face. I haven't enjoyed sex with him for the past 6-8 months at all. If anything its become incredibly painful, both physically & emotionally with anger & misery, but something in me still wants to try to initiate it. And he knows because he says he can see it in my face when we do have sex. I'm like a closed book. Our entire marriage is suffering outside of the bedroom to because of this.
I've tried being supportive & excusing his excuses, I've not put any pressure on him at all, but it hasn't made a blind bit of difference... If anything its made it worse because he is now perfectly happy to ignore my needs down to a T.
I no longer do much of the housework or greet him at the door. Why should I? I get nothing back except the honor of seeing him on the x-box at night after he's been to work & cooked tea.
So I watch TV more in the bedroom & ignore him back. Some days I'll stay in the bedroom nearly all day when he is home just so I don't have to talk to him.
I know its not normal to feel resentment to this degree, but I can't seem to stop it. Every time I calm down & try to be normal, he just winds me up because I cannot seem to connect with him on any level & I feel like I'm the one who is putting all the work into trying to connect constantly.
I've tried to look good everyday. I've tried waiting on him hand & foot. I've tried new things in the bedroom. I've tried ignoring him. I've tried talking to him. I've tried telling him whats wrong. I've tried to make it better.
And all he can do is give me the same stupid excuses "I'm just not that interested in sex" "Your not normal" "You knew I had problems when we met" "I'm not seeing a doctor, they won't do anything & I don't want to take tablets" & the real killer "So go off & find another f*cking man then if I'm not giving you what you want!"
So, I essentially have to suffer because of my selfish husband. Or find another man (tempting, but fortunately for him I am faithful).
I just feel so full of hatred towards this man daily, I don't even know if its possible to work past it. He says its his ED yet he can maintain a hard erection in his sleep (as most men do) & as I have noticed when we are in bed. So talk about B*llsh*t!
I don't know what to do. I've posted this thread hear because I'm hoping to hear some advice from the successful couples who are in a relationship that's solid enough to TTC & understand to some degree the pain I am going through.
For the past 3 months it has been like this...
We don't kiss. I can't stand it, it just infuriates me & makes me feel like I'm being submissive to him. We couldn't cuddle for 10 minutes without his phone going off & him running off to work. So that stopped & we don't cuddle. I fall asleep on the very edge of the bed each night away from him & with my back turned on him, although he does try to cuddle me then, but I reject him. I don't want him to have the comfort of cuddling me anymore.
The only surprising thing is when we argue he does not bat an eyelid with his replies. Which just tells me what I already know... He doesn't care, even though he says he does. Actions in my book, speak louder than words. Well if he cares so much, where is the proof?
I have spent time doing hobbies & planning my own business in the future. I distract myself with work or gardening. But when I have stopped with my plans & hobbies, & look at my relationship, it is like a slap in the face.
I'm running constantly between anger & depression & it shouldn't be like this. I can't even cry anymore (although I feel like it) because I simply haven't any emotional energy left. From the moment I wake up, to the moment I go to sleep I just feel like I'm throwing all this negative energy at him & he can't even be bothered to try & make me feel better. All I want is for him to talk to me properly for an hour a day or so, but he can't even do that. He just goes out all day, sees his mates or invites them over, or goes on his stupid decks (DJ equipment) when he is home or on the x-box & ignores me completely, sometimes for hours.
An example of my day was I spent 6 hours alone in the dark in the bedroom with no TV because he invited his 2 mates over & system linked Xboxes in the living room, so hence, they pinched the tv out of the bedroom. I was invited to join them, but didn't because I felt that I just couldn't put a happy face on. So I went to bed with the excuse I had a terrible headache, but I didn't sleep. Then Hubby came into the bedroom & said I was basically selfish for not joining in & acting the happy hostess & just walked out again. I just lay in bed resisting the hate & the temptation to walk in the living room & kick-off at him & tell his mates to leave. Then he did his own tea (none for me) & I didn't get up or get a meal until after his friends left at about 12.30am because I didn't think I could keep my big mouth shut if anyone spoke to me.
And hubby, well, he's just acting like its all me. Everythings fine to him. He comes in smiling & behaves like everything is normal, happy & fine until I snap at him & then he just laughs at me & tells me not to be silly. He makes me cuppa's & cooks my tea etc like he always has. Its like he's just avoiding the entire issue. Even when we argue he just cuts straight to the chase & goes out of the front door for a few hours & comes home & asks if I've cooled off yet. He hardly argues back, which annoys me even more because he can just "escape" me so I never get to voice my thoughts properly (& there are many).
There is no relationship. We are living like brother & sister. There is no connection between us, it has disappeared because of years of feeling belittled & stupid because of what he says to me & the amount of rejection I have put up with myself in the past from him. A few times I tried every night for a week (years ago) & he rejected me each time with a different excuse. Even my grandmother had a go at him because it was upsetting me so much. She told him not to be so bloody stupid = after he told her he found sex "disgusting" & she also told him he could not expect to keep any woman with an attitude like that. Then she began talking about her & my grandfathers sex life when they were young (CRINGE) although she definitely knew a thing or two about how important it was. She told us its not just about fun or emotions, it helps you to bond & stay bonded at a deeper level. How can I feel close to someone I know is making excuses after so long? There is no communication at all apart from my anger & his mickey-taking.
I've got nowhere to get away, we are private renting & I have no family or friends with room for me to stay with them for a few days. I just feel like I really need space to work over things & decide whether or not to stay in this relationship & what can be done when I have tried so much in the past already.
The fact that I was much happier in the beginning was why we first started TTC. Back then I felt our relationship was secure as we had already been through so much. Now I don't know anymore & I am certainly not going to TTC in such a relationship until it gets & stays good. So don't worry about that readers.
If anyone has any advice or has been in a similar situation I really need some input, thanks.
Oh and further input.... this situation has taken 4 years to build up to this degree & the past year has been the worst (since we married). I could forgive him if he made the effort & things improved, but he just won't & I know this which is why I am so angry with him.