Unbearably sad

[AnnieMac2]

I'm just going to write what I'm feeling to get it out. I don't know what it'll accomplish, but I don't know how to cope. I felt like I was getting a little better post mc, but now that I've started ttc again, I feel like I'm back to square one. Is anyone else feeling worse now that they're ttc again? I don't think taking a break will help either.

I was so desperately sad today that I considered going to a hospital. I calmed down slightly. Then I got a text from my younger sister: "Exciting news!!! I'm pregnant!!!" when just days before I had admitted to her that I cry my eyes out nearly everyday and can't sleep. This is her 3rd child conceived within 2 months of trying. I really love her and want her to have whatever she wants, but I've really been sent into a spiral. She doesn't even want a third child unless it's a boy and pretty much screams at her two daughters all day long. I'm so ashamed that I sound so petty. I'd rather vent anonymously, though, so that I don't blow up.

AF is due Wed. Got a bfn today. I feel like it's never going to happen and I'm already dreading seeing my sister constantly with an infant.

I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish from this post, but I'm just desperately trying to feel better. My husband got to so frightened by how down I was today that he cried. I'm just trying to get stuff out somewhere else and spare him. THanks.

EDIT: It sounds like I think people shouldn't tell me they're pregnant. I neglected to write in op that I had told my sister just a few days before that I was crying my eyes out everyday and couldn't sleep and could barely get through each day. And she and I aren't that close (like didn't tell me about her other pregnancies right away, so this wasn't necessary). That was the point. I added it in.

 

[AnnieMac2]

Also, she's only 5 weeks along and knows I've been crying my eyes out all week. I feel like she could have waited at least a couple days more or something. I know it's not all about me, but my friends have pretty much acted like it's no big deal what I went through. I know they'd be devastated and expect me to be there for them 24/7 if it happened to them. Sorry. In a dark place and have to get it out.

 

[mummy2_1]

It's no small thing what u have been throu and um bot sure if ur family and friends know of your heartache or know what pain they are causing but hope it's not intentional. U need time to grieve for your loss. And what u are feeling is completely normal. I too mc but many years before actually ttc. When we started ttc my close friend conceived 'by accident' and unintentionally really hurt me. I soon confided in friend of my previous loss and my journey ttc
She was muCh more sensitive about her pg around me. At the same time I felt terrible having her feel the need to curb her excitement with her own pg bcos if my feelings
It's a hard and confusing time

But you should do what feels right for you
If u are uncomfortable.and hurt by her enthusiasm by her new pg then maybe explain ur feelings or tRy and create some distance.just.until u feel u are ready. There is nothing wrong with u or ur feelings.at. This difficult time
Gl and best wishes with ttc.x

 

[AnnieMac2]

Thank you so much. I know it's unintentional - and like you said, hate to rain on someone else's parade. I actually was sort of honest with her. I usually the queen of just sucking it up. But I'm so at the end of my rope and trying not to make my husband miserable, that I had to ask if we could talk about it another day. I said I love her and already love her baby, but it's a very complicated thing and I'm doing my best. I felt like such a loser saying that to my sister. I've never said anything like that. But things are overwhelming. Just trying to get through the next minute, let alone tonight, tomorrow, etc. Thank you so much for your kind words.

 

[tillyttc]

Hun just know you aren't on your own this is the place to come and talk vent what ever you need to do to make things feel a little better even if it's just for a short time ! What you are going though is normal everyone is different and you will never get over your loss but you will make peace with it eventually ! I lost my little one at nearly 15 weeks my world fell apart to the point I took a year off was emotionally not ready to be pregnant again ! Just a thought but have you tried to write a letter to your lost bean ? That's what I was advised to do by my midwife , I put in this letter everything I felt my hopes and dreams for my precious little one and how sorry I was ! It helped me and I carry it everywhere I go ! You will go on to have your rainbow in your own time plz don't put your self under pressure give your self time to grieve and also grieve as a couple I hope you are feeling better soon and take care of your self xxx

 

[AnnieMac2]

Thank you so much, Tilly. And I'm so sorry for your loss as well. You're probably right about something like a letter. I should work up the courage to do something heavy like that. xo

 

[wildflower79]

Hi, just wanted to say so sorry for your loss and sending you I know the pain of having to deal with pregnancy/birth announcements and its so hard. Really hope you get your rainbow very soon x

 

[AnnieMac2]

Thank you so much, Wildflower. I'm so sorry you've been through this stuff. xo

 

[kdmalk]

Hi Annie, I had a really rough time shortly after I started ttc again myself. In February, after my second mc, I got a bfn and 3 of my closest friends got pregnant. It pretty much sent me into a spiral. I was so bitter and angry. I had really done very well with coping up until that point. I am not normally a very emotional person, so it was really a big deal for me to be so upset. And you feel like you can't possibly feel better until you are pregnant again.

I don't have a lot of advice on how to work through it, because I just kind of came out of that funk in April and was ready to focus on something other than ttc when I got this bfp. When I told one of my closest friends (who has never been pregnant), her response was something to the effect of "here we go again." People just don't understand what is/isn't appropriate in that situation. Especially if you are like me and don't typically show a lot of emotion, they just assume they can't hurt your feelings. I'm sorry your sister felt it was okay to be super insensitive knowing you were having a rough time. I know you don't want to cause trouble, but it might help you to recover if you ask her to cool it on the pregnancy talk for a while while you get yourself together.

Big hugs. My only advice is that a lot of us have been in that funk too, and it just takes time to be able to think about other things again. You will get there. it is normal to feel sad for a while. But you will get through this!!!!

 

[AnnieMac2]

Kdmalk, thank you for the sweet words. I am so sorry for your losses, and so happy for your pregnancy. I actually love seeing the bfp's on this site, but I have a hard time with the real-life announcements, but mostly because the people I know ttc happen to be the ones that have been the least thoughtful with me through this (I just noticed that. Weird coincidence.).

I was really devastated but then was truly getting better. TTC just plunged me into actual depression I guess. Thanks for your comment. This site has been my biggest source of comfort. So nice to hear that you're feeling better. xo

 

[mummy2_1]

Have hope. U will gEt ur rainbow when ur ready, and it will be so much more meaningful and lived bcos of ur journey.x

 

[ladyoflocksle]

AnnieMac2, I am so sorry for your loss. I truly know how hard it is to go through a mc and to have people not understand how hard it is! I had my mc in Feb 2014 and I still have a hard time with it...I really don't like it when people say that I should be over it by now. I will never be over it, even if I should get lucky enough to get pg again, I will still mourn the baby that I lost.

I am a 2nd grade teacher (first year teacher actually!) and the music teacher had a baby last Oct just a few days after what would have been my due date; it feels like a knife straight to the heart every time I see her baby boy. Also one of my teammates is due in June and I have had a hard time watching her belly get bigger and to hear her talk about her pg. I don't like that I feel that way BUT I can't stop myself.

I really hope that you get your rainbow baby soon Hang in there and any time you need to talk/vent/cry or whatever someone on here will be around to listen and empathize with you!!

 

[mummy2_1]

I don't think u ever get over a loss of a baby no matter how far u were. As soon as u find out that lo becomes a life and u start t dream of what could be


It's completely natural to feel thisbway towards someone else especially when they seem to be having such an easy time. I posted about this somewhere else previously and someone wrote we don't know what they went through to get were they are. We don't know They had it easy. They could have fought secretly for their baby. Every baby is a miracle. That made me feel a little better

 

[AnnieMac2]

I am so sorry you both suffered a loss. That is one thing that I think about: You never know what people have been through or how long other pregnant women have been trying. I have the hardest time when people around me act like I have no feelings. People have rarely asked me how I was doing and I've gotten so many weird, insensitive comments. I usually don't want much attention, but I've been feeling extra alone with this. I'm frustrated with myself that I get so upset. And feel a lot of guilt over my feelings.

Congratulations on your LO's, mummy2_1. And Lady, I'm sorry you've had to watch pregnancies progress on a daily basis when you're still struggling. There are so many complicated feelings involved and it's hard for us not to beat up on ourselves for having these feelings. Praying that the near future brings you a baby. xoxo

 

[Trying4first1]

So sorry to hear about your loss. It is such a dark place to be in, I know that feeling oh so well. Letting out your thoughts on here is great I find as you don't hurt others feelings but at least you have the chance to talk to people that completely understand you.
In my honest opinion I think that your sister should have kept it to herself and its a bit selfish of her to say especially if she knows what a bad time you are having. She could have waited even just a few weeks until you felt a bit better about things. However if she has never had a MC before she would have no idea of how it feels. I was very nieve about it all before it happened to me and I wonder if I gave my friend who had a MC enough support at the time.
Maybe its best to let her know how you feel and just ask her to not talk about it for a while just while you find your feet? Sorry if this isn't much help xx

 

[AnnieMac2]

Trying4first, thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it, and yes it was helpful! I'm so sorry you've been through this. You're right - it also made me think back on times when I tried to be there for friends and I wonder if it was enough. But I think people know who is coming from a compassionate place even if they say the wrong thing. (for instance, had my best friend sent me that text just days after I said I was crying all night, it wouldn't have hurt because it would've just been ditzy and I would've been excited with some innocent jealousy thrown in, but I know my sis often can't be bothered with my feelings so it really hurt - also, my sis didn't tell me about her last pregnancies until 2nd tri and we rarely see each other or talk, so this was very unnecessary). I feel like I've learned from this and it will probably help me be more comforting to people in the future.

I followed the advice on the thread and asked my sister if we could hold off on the topic for a bit. I said I loved her and already loved her baby, but I'm struggling on a daily basis. It was a good call. I don't want to get resentful. Thank you ladies! xoxo

 

[Sugden88]

Hi...
Had to reply to your post as I felt like I had written it myself. So sorry for ur loss, Im still struggling a lot, infact im probably worse and lots of ny friends pregnant or with newborns and i can't even be around them....which makes you feel awful! I wish id never gotten pregnant because 26months trying...to then concieve and then a miscarriage....its horrible.
Did you try writting a letter? Or i hear people talking about counselling?

Wish i could make you feel better, thinking of you xxx

 

[AnnieMac2]

Hi, Sugden88. Thanks for talking with me. It blows my mind so many women are walking around feeling this terribly. Yesterday, I was thinking about how I wished I had never gotten pregnant in the first place. I've told very few people, but I've heard a few times, "At least you know you can get pregnant!" I don't mind that they say that. It's coming from a good place. But I'm definitely not feeling it. I have even less faith in my body than I did when I was worried about conceiving prior to the loss. Even though we didn't ttc for very long at all, I had a bad feeling.

When was your loss? What do you think has led you to feel worse? I can't believe it, but I actually am feeling worse all of a sudden too. Did you try counseling or writing a letter? I should bring myself to sit down and have the nervous breakdown and write it. Although, twice I have laid in bed when my husband wasn't home and talked aloud to the lost baby and said some things. I'm not a religious person, but it just felt like something I wanted to do. I've been going to counseling and my therapist is a wonderful person. She helps me to be less hard on myself about how I'm feeling, but I'm definitely not getting anywhere with the sadness. I think it's definitely a depression along the lines of post-partum now. I'm entertaining going on meds.

What have you tried so far? I'm so sorry, Sweetie. I'll be watching for you on here if I don't hear back. Big hugs.

 

[Redcat85]

Reading this post has brought tears to my eyes. I too know what your going through. Im sorry your sister didnt use better judgement. I constantly feel like no one around me knows what its like to mc. Everyone thinks its something you get over in no time and just move on with life! And your right, if it were them having the mc it would be a different story. Both of my sister in laws just had babies within the last two weeks and I hate that I find it hard to be around them or see them or hate having pics text to me! Sunday is a baby shower for one of them and I feel like I have to go because everyone will be talking about me and be mad at me if I dont, including my DH. Please know that there is nothing wrong with the way you are feeling! A mc is something you never completely get over, even after having an 'earth' child. It does get easier with time but there are always triggers. I dont think I ever enjoy pregnancy announcements (except for on here =)) because its just a reminder to me of what I've lost and the struggle it is for me to conceive and carry to full term. You will get thru this, give yourself as much time as you need regardless of what anyone thinks or says (I know easier said than done).

 

[cassandra311]

I'm sorry for your loss. I know it's hard because I have been there. Just be kind to yourself. That's the best advice I can give you. I feel like it's never going to happen too.