Uncomfortable Situation - Gender disappointment

[DLA]

I will start off by saying I absolutely don't get the gender disappointment thing, personally. With our first child, I had no preference whatsover. With our second, I was told at an early sono that we were having another boy and I was so thrilled. Then at a later one, we found out it was a girl, and I was equally thrilled. That being said, just because I don't understand that feeling personally, I do get that people have valid and real feelings regarding this.

OH's SIL had a boy right around the same time I had my son. She was disappointed then because she wanted a girl but of course got over it quickly and was overjoyed with her son. She also is pregnant again at the same time I am. When we found out we were having a girl, although she did congratulate me, she kind of reacted negatively and bitched about how unfair it is and how she better have a girl. I honestly was irritated with her reaction since I felt it was unfair to me as I have no control over what sex child we or anyone else has and it was supposed to be a joyful time. BUT I bit my tongue completely and tried remind myself that I don't understand what she's going through, and that I need to be understanding.

Fast forward to she just found out she's having another boy. And is very upset about it. Went from speaking to me all the time almost everyday and will barely even speak to me. I tried to say some encouraging words like "It's ok think about how you can dress the boys up all cute and matching" and "How great that they will be best friends" but she didn't wanna hear it.

Now I feel super uncomfortable and really don't know what to say anymore... It seems like no matter what I say it's wrong and I can feel that she really resents me for having a girl, especially because I've said from the beginning that I could careless either way.

Any ideas of how I should approach this? Should I just give her some space and hope she comes around?

 

[charlieworld]

Grr. I'd be cross with her for spoiling your happy time. I understand she might be disappointed, but no need to take it out on you.

Give her some time to cool off. I imagine when she wants your support, she'll call.

 

[tag74]

She needs to grow up. I'd personally distance myself from her.

Many couples can't have children and she's being immature.

 

[bmuir11207]

id give her time to come to terms i don't understand it either but she needs to deal with this in her way and not by bringing you down while she does it

 

[butterflywolf]

She shouldn't be taking it out on you. However, I do know what she's going through. I really wanted a boy first. We are having a little girl first. I am now thrilled, but it did take about 4 weeks after finding out the gender to come to terms (so maybe for me it wasn't as bad). And it's hard to describe about a mental state of illness. It's like depression. Just because you can't see that person physically not suffering, they are mentally. It does take a beating on 'yes I am blessed, but why am I not blessed to have boy/girl'. I do hope our 2nd or 3rd child is a boy cause as soon as we have one of each we are done. (though 3 are our limit). But I know if it doesn't happen it wasn't meant to be. For me reason I wanted a boy first were unlimited. And let me tell you I get so many weird looks from my female friends when they found out I wanted a boy first. "why? girls are so much more fun. You can treat her like a princess." I ended up bitching them out I said my child(ren) are not of royal decent. They are not now nor are they EVER going to be a princess. They will be a human being. I'm pretty sure that played a bit of a part on why I wanted a boy first.

 

[Jcliff]

I don't get the dissapounted either, and never will. We wanted this baby so bad that we didn't care. But that's just me.

 

[Malouka]

I will start off by saying I absolutely don't get the gender disappointment thing, personally. With our first child, I had no preference whatsover. With our second, I was told at an early sono that we were having another boy and I was so thrilled. Then at a later one, we found out it was a girl, and I was equally thrilled. That being said, just because I don't understand that feeling personally, I do get that people have valid and real feelings regarding this.

OH's SIL had a boy right around the same time I had my son. She was disappointed then because she wanted a girl but of course got over it quickly and was overjoyed with her son. She also is pregnant again at the same time I am. When we found out we were having a girl, although she did congratulate me, she kind of reacted negatively and bitched about how unfair it is and how she better have a girl. I honestly was irritated with her reaction since I felt it was unfair to me as I have no control over what sex child we or anyone else has and it was supposed to be a joyful time. BUT I bit my tongue completely and tried remind myself that I don't understand what she's going through, and that I need to be understanding.

Fast forward to she just found out she's having another boy. And is very upset about it. Went from speaking to me all the time almost everyday and will barely even speak to me. I tried to say some encouraging words like "It's ok think about how you can dress the boys up all cute and matching" and "How great that they will be best friends" but she didn't wanna hear it.

Now I feel super uncomfortable and really don't know what to say anymore... It seems like no matter what I say it's wrong and I can feel that she really resents me for having a girl, especially because I've said from the beginning that I could careless either way.

Any ideas of how I should approach this? Should I just give her some space and hope she comes around?

It's not good of her to be spoiling it for you. She should act as an adult and let you be happy with what you have. Personally I am struggeling a lot with gender dissapointment but do not talk about it because I dont want it to control my mind. That would make things only worse. I dont know the personality of your sil, but in the end she CANT change it and she will have to accept it. Someone has to tell her this. OR she can sit down and cry about it forever and be bitter to moms with girls or she can accept it the way it is and try to give it a place in her heart. Dont tell her to forget about it. She wont. I wish I had your mentality in this case. I dont wish I had a girl instead, no even if that is what my dissapointment is about. I wish I could be happy with both and not have any expectations because in the end, there is nothing with 2 boys and Im sure it can be nice. Its just something I have never expected and thats why its hurting me. I also have a very bad history with men and I dont trust men. I believe(d) that in the end they are all just filthy dogs. No matte rhow cute they are as baby boys. I know I might be wrong but dont judge me for my experience with men.. it haunts me everyday.. hence my gender dissapointment

 

[MrsWhy]

Hi,

To the OP, I completely understand where you are coming from. We found out at 20 weeks that we are having a girl, which was great - I mean we didn't have a preference as to which we were going to have, we'd have been happy with boy or girl.

We told the parents (both sets and they were really happy) - Father in law is ecstatic as he wanted a grand-daughter. The only issue is that my husband then told his sister and now we've pretty much been ignored by her since then. She's got 2 gorgeous boys but really wanted the second to be a girl. She's also decided not to have any other children and her husband has had a vasectomy to ensure that it doesn't happen.

I now think that as father in law is saying how happy he is - she seems to think that we have taken something away from her. I've had no texts, phone calls, visits or anything since we've made the announcement - not even a congrats.

We've tried for 2 years to have this one and suffered 2 mmc on the way so see this child as a blessing.

I'm not actually sure how to get round this with my SIL but wanted you to know that I sympathise fully with your predicament.

xx

 

[Emma867]

As someone who is expecting baby number 1 and is hoping for a girl (we are team yellow), I can understand her jealousy. But that's no reason for you to feel bad.

I'd take a step back, she will come around when she has come to tes with baby boy number 2

 

[xforuiholdonx]

I can understand the GD issue, as for some people it really hurts. BUT, she shouldnt be taking it out on you.. its not like you made the decision for her to have a boy, or pickeds what sex YOUR baby was. She will get over it with time, but until then, distance yourself if at all possible because you dont deserve to be treated negatively at a happy time in your life!

 

[Dani_Ldn]

Half her problem is probably people trying to make her feel better about the situation. I would give her time to take it all in & come to terms with it (and realise that another little boy will be fantastic) & let her come back to you. She will get over the disappointment, I am sure of it. Don't let her sadness & disappointment ruin your joy, if it gets to a point where she is too much, then I would tell her straight to her face that she is upsetting you, maybe she is so wrapped up in it all that she doesn't realise that her mood is having an effect on you.

 

[Annie77]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this - it mst be tough. However I do feel really sorry for her also. GD is very difficult and she won't be enjoying this pregnancy. This is not an excuse to take it out on you but at the same time, her head is not in the right place right now.
I would just back off a bit and wait to see if GD dissipates after the birth. If not then the future will only get tougher for her

 

[Zfbaby]

It's very sad on all accounts that baby's cant just be enjoyed for what they are. They are already resented before they even take a breath. I'm sure she'll come around. Maybe she feels like your baby will get all the attention being a girl rather than her boy? Who knows. I hope it gets better for you.

 

[IndieBelle]

I really wanted a girl first and we are having a boy. I was devastated for a while. Not at the baby though, I loved my baby, I was upset that it wasn't a girl, but I wouldn't change my baby boy if that makes sense! Fast forward to now and I am so excited! It took me a while to get used to the idea of having a boy. I still think about a boy and get a bit funny, but when I think about OUR boy, I am really happy I always knew there as a 50/50 chance. I knew we would love the baby no matter what, but it still upset me that it wasn't a girl. I had been dreaming of a having a girl all my life and I have no brothers so no boys in the family. It's not that I didn't want a boy at all either, I just wanted a girl first! Probably so I knew I would have at least one because she would be there already

BIL and his gf are having a girl. They are a year younger than me and they found out they were pregnant when we were trying. Totally an accident, toootally not ready, which made me so upset. But turns out I was pregnant too, she is a month ahead of me! Then we find out they are having a girl and I am having a boy. I was soooo jealous! I wouldn't take it out on them, I knew it wasn't their choice, I was just angry at the universe haha I would have a huge moan to my hubby but wouldn't want to make them feel bad so I never said anything about it to them. Still when I go baby shopping I look at all the gorgeous girl clothes and then can't find anything cute for boys. First it was really upsetting, now it just makes me grumpy at the shops haha

I think the best thing is to give her space. Honestly there is nothing you can say that will make her feel happier. I might not have been as bad as her because we are going to have more kids and we are GOING to have a girl (positive thoughts haha). But the thing that made me feel better was just time. As bub starting moving more and more, it really helped too. I thought it might take the whole pregnancy for me to get over it because I knew once I saw that little face nothing would matter anymore, but it actually went away only weeks after we found out! Time and space is my only advice

 

[Zfbaby]

I agree with the above poster that shops are totally biased towards girls. It's like 90% girls stuff and 10% boys.

 

[DLA]

Thanks for all the input. I will give her space for sure. I'm a little concerned though because now she's saying "I think they were wrong, I know it's a girl". She's going to get another private sonogram in a few weeks. She doesn't want to pick out any names or buy anything because she is positive it's a girl. I honestly didn't know what to say to this since I think she is just setting herself up for more disappointment but it's not my place to tell her that so I just tried to be supportive.

I guess it just kinda sucks now because i feel like I can't talk about my little girl or post on fb like I do sometimes because I know it will upset her... I'm not going to completely sensor my myself because I am happy about my baby coming but I guess I'll just try to be sensitive about this issue.

 

[Willow87]

GD is a real thing and people do go through it! Sorry this is hard for you but get over it. Post whatever you want on facebook and enjoy your pregnancy. What she is going through has nothing to do with you but with her own feelings. It's not easy seeing someone else get what you so desperately wanted and feel cheated. It's a feeling that can't be helped really. She might make things uncomfy and she probably won't want anything to do with you for a while but let her be. There is nothing you can say that will make her feel better. So just let her be. She will come around.

 

[DLA]

GD is a real thing and people do go through it! Sorry this is hard for you but get over it. Post whatever you want on facebook and enjoy your pregnancy. What she is going through has nothing to do with you but with her own feelings. It's not easy seeing someone else get what you so desperately wanted and feel cheated. It's a feeling that can't be helped really. She might make things uncomfy and she probably won't want anything to do with you for a while but let her be. There is nothing you can say that will make her feel better. So just let her be. She will come around.

Wait.. What do I need to get over? I'm not the one with the issue here. I am just trying to be understanding and not make things worse for HER. I could be a total asshole and not care about her feelings, but that's not me. That's the whole point of this thread....

Can't really avoid her since we are in the same family and see each other on regular basis and I am somewhat close to her (or was before this). Just trying to gain some prespective on what she's going through and the best way for us to coexist without making her more upset. I am and have been completely happy and thrilled through my entire pregnancy.

 

[Willow87]

I don't mean to come off as harsh but you have made this thread before and have received the same type of responses lol. You are right, you are not the one with the problem. She is. Don't avoid her obviously but nothing you can say will make her feel better right now ya know? telling her how cute her sons will be and stuff as nice as you are trying to be, will probably just annoy her. What I mean is try not to dwell on it or her attitude. It has nothing to do with you. She is just jealous and going through things. Might be a while but if she wants to talk to you about it, she will.

 

[MrsWhy]

I think as people have said previously - GD is very real and there is nothing that you can do to make it easier for her. As you said, she wants to have another scan to prove she's having a girl (even though as you said she's been told it's a boy), if the next scan turns out to confirm that she is having a boy, I have a feeling that it will be at that point, she may have difficulties in being around you.

It's really hard on you because you have a history and friendship going back to before you were pregnant. It's great that you want to be sensitive to her feelings but please don't let that detract away from your enjoyment in your own pregnancy - unfortunately none of us have a magic wand to make things better for others.

It's horrible to be in this position. All you can do is what you are doing, being sensitive and caring.

I just wanted to send you a