Unmarried but happy... support?

[Toms Mummy]

Sorry if I'm coming off as rude, everyone. I'm just particularly sensitive when it comes to feeling like I'm being persecuted because something wasn't done in the way it was expected. Hardly anything family related in my life falls under that category.

You're not coming off as rude, you're coming off as defensive. Lots of people do things differently. Lots of people get married after 6 weeks together or have a child after 9 months together, or don't get married at all, or get married after 20 years together, have children but never live together. There are loads of different family dynamics out there, none are right or wrong. If your situation is right for you and your partner then that's all that matters.

You're seeing peoples posts as opinionated and judgemental when they're not. If you're coming off as defensive to everyone and their opinions and support from posters on here and in real life rather than dismissive then you need to look at why you feel like that, it's no one else's problem.

 

[babyhopes2010]

I'm definitely not pointing anyone in particular out for this, but at least one of the above posts doesn't seem the slightest bit supportive. She doesn't want to hear about how her baby is going to be "born out of wedlock" - which I find incredibly offensive considering I myself was "born out of wedlock." Since when is marriage a prerequisite for having a baby? And seeing as how many people on this forum have a similar story of "I was only with my partner for x months before we conceived," how is acting like this constructive?

u are obviously referring to ME. my family are deeply religious and sex before marriage is frowned upon.

my post wasnt offensive! 9months is v new relationship FACT!
itll be hard but like i said i knew my dh was the one like u may feel ur oh is the one.

ur v defensive and clearly trying ur best to read things in a negative way.i think theres an underlying issue here....

my post said that its not about marriage but ur relationship is new
i then said my family are strict

i then said i knew early he was the one
and that u arent a child u know what ur doing
and finally (advice) maybe tell someone ie parents first!

 

[sue_88]

I'm unmarried and (shock horror) single!!

Didn't have much choice in the matter though as I was planning my wedding but my ex-OH neglected to tell me he was ALREADY married. Joyful right.

Anyhow it's about that sweet baby you've made together & if you know you're right for each other who cares how long it's been whether its weeks, months or years!
Enjoy telling your families, I'm sure nothing but excitement will be present!! X

 

[BadMamaJAMA]

Thanks, all, for the support! I truly appreciate it.

As for the more conflicted discourse, I think it's pretty illustrative that this does continue to be an issue - even though we as a society maintain that we've moved past archaic traditions.

If you're not in the situation of being an unwed parent, it can be difficult to understand just how pervasive (and subtle) the judgment can be...even if people aren't meaning to be judgmental!

For instance, I told a complete stranger I was expecting. She congratulated me, and then asked how long I'd been married. I'm clearly not wearing a ring. I don't think she meant to make me uncomfortable, but she put me in the position where I had to defend myself. As we've discussed in this thread, I have no reason to need to defend myself.

There are happy unmarried couples, and unhappy ones alike. There are single parents and married parents who run the gamut of states of happiness and relational longevity. Why do we assume that pregnant women are - or should be - married? Are married people intrinsically happier than everyone else? I can say from my experience being married that the answer is not always yes.

Ladies, I understand that no one was overtly trying to be harsh or judgmental. Please understand that - when you make comments about how someone's relationship is new or that your parents wouldn't approve - that can come off as judgmental. The title of the thread was "Unmarried but happy...support?" I wasn't looking for judgment or "realism". I get enough of that already.

I was looking for support. And for the most part, I got it. Thanks, all, for the lively discussion!

 

[Toms Mummy]

That's okay

For the record, you were only getting support, until your OH came in and acused people of being judgemental when they weren't!

I am unmarried and moved in with my OH after 2 weeks together, and now we have 1 child with another on the way, still not married! So I have had my fair share of critisism, but I can also see why and where that critisism is coming from and I don't care as it's none of their business, your OH needs to learn not to care what other people think x

 

[ChocolateC]

I have been together with my SO for 4.5 years now and we have no plans to get married. My situation is a bit similar to yours in that I married young, got divorced, then met my SO when I moved to a new place for work. We fell in love very quickly and got serious quickly, though for various reasons (waiting for his divorce to be finalized) we didn't move in right away. We were TTC for a while, thinking we'd just deal with it when it happened. Now we have just bought a house together, I'm in my 2nd trimester, and we are extremely happy.
The problem? Some people find it crazy we're having a kid. There are 1. people who say he had kids with his ex so why would he want more, 2. mutual friends who think of us as this cool modern couple who don't live together or have kids--and this kind of changes that whole set-up, and 3. people who ask if we're going to get married now that I'm pregnant. And he is older than me, so there's that angle to it, too.
But those are other people's problems. They are only my problems when I see those other people and take their comments to heart. I can also just smile and nod and secretly not give a damn.
Congrats on your pregnancy on on what sounds like a wonderful, loving relationship.

 

[BadMamaJAMA]

Thanks, ChocolateC! And you're right. I mean, I have a man who loves and supports me so much he joins a pregnancy forum to congratulate me when I post my BFP... and then sticks up for me when certain posts (unintentionally) hurt my feelings.

I'm a lucky, lucky lady. We were at the pool with his daughter today, and I started crying I was so happy. Never had this before, and if other people don't get it, that's not my problem.

 

[ChocolateC]

Ah, the crying might also be pregnancy hormones, hun. I got teary while watching kids march in a parade. And I don't even like parades. Or have kids (yet).

 

[Ivory Doll]

I live in Ireland where the Catholic Church has a big say in everything and nobody batted an eyelid when I told them I was pregnant. We are together a few years though but even still I think it's something you both are probably worrying about more than other people in your life.

While I do plan to marry one day, it's not something I feel I need to do now. Anyone in your life that has any issue with you both not being married needs to come out of the dark ages