Upset and disappointed :(

[KatO79]

I know this is probably silly but I can't help feeling this way.

Background: DH and I fought almost 2½ years to get pregnant with our 1st baby which included 1 year of trying naturally (very highly suspect I had a CP for my 7th cycle but didn't reach to test before I started bleeding), 6 failed medicated IUIs, 1 IVF that ended in a CP with the 2nd IVF resulting in our 10 month old son. My whole in-law family knows all this since we were very open about our struggle. We even prepared my DH's little brother that he may have had to drive me to the embie transfer for my 1st IVF since DH wasn't sure he could get those hours off.

Anyway, I was writing a text to my MIL and FIL plus my DH's little brother and his pregnant girlfriend who's due with their first baby start of January about if they had any empty tubes since my son loves to play with them and it's one of the only things he'll practice his crawling trying to get to. I then figured I'd mention that we would most likely be hosting his 1st birthday on Saturday the 7th of October (he's born on the 5th but that's a Thursday). I get a text from the girlfriend saying that she'd see if they have any tubes about to be empty but didn't think they had but would let me know. Then she said that neither her or my brother-in-law will be coming to my son's birthday as my brother-in-law will be on tour with his band (they recently got a record deal and put out their 2nd album) from end of September to October 17th and that weekend she'll be away for her brother's 30th birthday plus a Christening

I know life doesn't revolve around my son and he won't remember it but I will I just feel so sad and super disappointed neither of them will be coming, especially as it's his first birthday. I just feel like for us it was a huge thing he's here given we went through more than most to get pregnant and they won't be here to celebrate with us

 

[red_head]

As you aren't celebrating on his birthday, could you move the party to when they are around? I'm sure they want to spend the day with you all, and are upset they can't make it, especially if they'd made the plans in advance.

 

[KatO79]

As you aren't celebrating on his birthday, could you move the party to when they are around? I'm sure they want to spend the day with you all, and are upset they can't make it, especially if they'd made the plans in advance.

That would mean either celebrating the weekend before September 30th (just checked when the tour starts) or wait until after October 17th. I really don't want to do either and had my heart set on it being as close to my son's actual birthday as possible

The girlfriend didn't seem very upset. She wrote at the end of her text "But I'm sure it'll go fine anyway"

It will be a poor showing if we only invite the close family as we were originally planning: DH's parents, his older brother (maybe with his 2 kids as I don't know if his ex-wife have them that weekend or not) and my toxic mother. We may end up inviting extended family now but it stinks

 

[MindUtopia]

I don't think you can take it personally. They are grown ups with their own lives and they can't schedule things around you. My BIL and SIL didn't come to my daughter's birthday this year because my mum was already staying with us (she lives in another country and flew 11 hours to be there) and they didn't want to spend the money to get a hotel for the night. That's life. I don't take it personally. They have things going on. They sent a nice gift and we celebrated with them next time we saw them. Maybe just invite them around for sometime after his tour finished and have a little celebration with them then.

 

[KatO79]

I don't think you can take it personally. They are grown ups with their own lives and they can't schedule things around you.

I know but I still can't help feeling a bit disappointed

I'm sure they were made in advance but was hoping to see at least one of them. They also tend to schedule things way in advance so it's nearly impossible to give enough notice. I did find the girlfriend's last remark a bit odd, like a 1st birthday doesn't mean much (don't know if her family just doesn't put much emphasis on them?). Well perhaps it means something to me, you know?

 

[Mummafrog]

I understand you feel really sad and you were looking forward to it being how you had it set in your mind but if they already had plans that's just the way it is. It's a shame they're not being more apologetic though.
If it was me I would change things and do a family party the weekend before and then a super special day with you and hubby on the actual birthday this is what we did for my littles 3rd in June and it was very lovely, I actually loved having that day just the three of us x

 

[maryanne1987]

Definitely don't take it personally. Sometimes things come up, people have plans, it doesn't mean that they don't want to spend time with you and your son on his special day. It just means they made other plans first. The other thing is if the message was sent by text it can be very easy to misinterpret a text as you can't see or hear the emotion behind it. Your sons birthday will still be special regardless of who or who doesn't come. We had no one at dd's 1st birthday, just me, DH and her older brother yet we had a fantastic day we won't forget.

 

[Unlucky41]

Hi Kat!

Congrats on your healthy son and congrats for making the first year! I remember you as I cycled with you but failed but remembered your toxic mother. How has she been with your son?

Oh I am like you get very upset when your closest family members don't seem to care especially on dh side. But alot or people don't care too much about birthdays and so people like my brother in law and sister in law are just too busy with their lives to care.

At least they have really good reasons not to be there. You never know they must drop a present by later to show that they care.

It is depressing but don't let it get to you. Enjoy your precious baby and take heaps of photos. They grow up so quickly.

 

[KatO79]

True that it'll be special regardless. It's just that at DH's older brother's kids' first birthdays, pretty much everyone came. I'll be making a book of my son's first year so he'll have pictures of the day and will see if not many came. I just hope no one else says they can't come since there's not much family to invite even if we take DH's extended family.

Unlucky thanks for that My mother has been pretty okay with him although she wasn't very interested last we saw her when I tried to tell her Alexander was up on all fours trying to crawl - she kept talking about herself and barely saw it My toxic siblings have been only interested in a very limited way as they're pissed I didn't tell them about my pregnancy even though they were unsupportive and uncaring during my infertility and silent treatment me for over 1 year shortly after I started my IUIs. My extra toxic brother was here in Denmark recently and only was interested in taking a couple of pics that didn't even make it to his Facebook page while pics of him with our eldest brother and my cousin and her family did. They were here for only 2-2½ hours before leaving again and I hadn't seen them for about 7 years before that visit

I do get that they have lives. I just hope they don't do this for his next birthday because then I'll probably flip over it Not sure they'll buy him anything if neither of them are coming. In DH's family if someone doesn't come to the birthday party then there's a 98% chance of them not buying a gift. Think they also have even less money than we do so probably are trying to save up as much they can to buy stuff for their baby.

Already taking lots and lots of pics so don't think I need to be taking more Think DH feels I could do with taking a bit fewer

 

[WackyMumof2]

If it makes you feel better, my mother couldn't be there for DS2's first birthday. She did make it for DS1 but she was living closer. My brother has NEVER bothered with his nephews because he's got a problem with me and a lot of people we would love to come to birthdays of any age, just can't make it. Don't take it too personally. But as a thought, have his first birthday with your family who can't be there for the big day - even if it's just a little get together. Don't cancel plans especially if you have had a lot of people RSVP. One day he will ask why he had 2 parties when he's older and you can tell him he had a lot of special people that couldn't make it for his actual birthday so you took that special day to them a week or 2 earlier. He won't mind I wouldn't imagine. And if anything, it would probably give him bragging rights when he ends up with younger siblings (if you have more) because 'he had 2 parties and they didn't'.

 

[KatO79]

If it makes you feel better, my mother couldn't be there for DS2's first birthday. She did make it for DS1 but she was living closer. My brother has NEVER bothered with his nephews because he's got a problem with me and a lot of people we would love to come to birthdays of any age, just can't make it. Don't take it too personally. But as a thought, have his first birthday with your family who can't be there for the big day - even if it's just a little get together. Don't cancel plans especially if you have had a lot of people RSVP. One day he will ask why he had 2 parties when he's older and you can tell him he had a lot of special people that couldn't make it for his actual birthday so you took that special day to them a week or 2 earlier. He won't mind I wouldn't imagine. And if anything, it would probably give him bragging rights when he ends up with younger siblings (if you have more) because 'he had 2 parties and they didn't'.

Thank you but 2 of my toxic siblings live in the US so wouldn't fly over for it. My sister in the US keeps saying she should come to Denmark but never does so haven't seen her in 7 years either. The eldest sibling, a brother, I'm no contact with as he has showed almost 0 interest in me (last we were in contact was while I was in my early/mid-20s and all he did was text me bad sex jokes in very poor taste that weren't funny at all!) and has never been supportive either (he lives in Denmark but far away). I don't think anyone else in my family that lives here would come other than maybe my cousin as my most toxic sibling (the brother that lives in the US) has been character assassinating me so the vast majority of my family avoid me now

But we may invite the little brother and his girlfriend over for a dinner, will consider that.

 

[jtink28]

i know it's disappointing, but they definitely have good reasons. your brother is in a band and how amazing he's going on tour! that's a big deal. and a 30th birthday is a huge deal - i think if she missed her brother's 30th he would be upset, whereas your little guy won't remember a thing.

it's really hard to remember, as a parent, that people just don't care about your kid as much as you do. it's not that they don't care - they do. just not as much as you, and not enough to totally alter their life plans, you know?

just think about it this way - do you know who was at your first birthday party? has your mom spent hours showing you pictures of your first birthday? do you care at all who was there? nope! a first birthday part is NOT for the child - it's solely for the parent so enjoy the people that come, and tell them you hope they can come over after the band tour for a small family celebration with more cake!

 

[KatO79]

i know it's disappointing, but they definitely have good reasons. your brother is in a band and how amazing he's going on tour! that's a big deal. and a 30th birthday is a huge deal - i think if she missed her brother's 30th he would be upset, whereas your little guy won't remember a thing.

My brother-in-law is yes, not my brother. His band was on tour not so long ago so didn't expect them to go out again so soon. I hadn't heard anything, either on his Facebook page or the band's page so it came as a surprise.

The thing is I'll remember it. But anyway, I just hope that the girlfriend won't be taking off for her family's town (which is pretty far away) every year on the same weekend we'll be holding my son's birthday. Her brother is born on September 30th so it may lead to more conflicting dates.

it's really hard to remember, as a parent, that people just don't care about your kid as much as you do. it's not that they don't care - they do. just not as much as you, and not enough to totally alter their life plans, you know?

True and I've already said in my first post that I know that life doesn't revolve around my son or me. But given what we went through to have him, I guess his 1st birthday just means something extra special to me since I feared we might not be able to have our own biological children.

just think about it this way - do you know who was at your first birthday party? has your mom spent hours showing you pictures of your first birthday? do you care at all who was there? nope! a first birthday part is NOT for the child - it's solely for the parent so enjoy the people that come, and tell them you hope they can come over after the band tour for a small family celebration with more cake!

As for my mother I've mentioned that she's been toxic. All my life really, she's highly emotionally and psychologically abusive. I was groomed from an early age by her and my most toxic brother to be the family scapegoat, I role I'm rebelling against and has led to my brother smear campaigning me and the rest of the family shunning me. I have huge blanks about my childhood which is apparently due to trauma. I don't think she even has any pics of my 1st birthday. I've never seen any so either there aren't any or she didn't bother keeping them I doubt very many where there if my parents hosted anything as we were living in the USA and the vast majority of my mother's mostly toxic relatives lived in Denmark while my father was an only child with only his mother left (may be some very extended family on his side but never heard of any or know who they may be).

The party will already be limited to my toxic mother, my in-laws and the DH's eldest brother (maybe his kids if they're not at their mother's that weekend; DH's eldest brother and his wife divorced a couple of years ago).

I suggested inviting DH's little brother over with the girlfriend sometime in late October but DH thinks it's too weird and not something his family does, especially if we're talking only 2 people

 

[laura109]

Hi hun ive been in a similar situation with my ohs family. His sister had a baby 3 months before me. She got all the help from oh mum and dad whilst
Me & her brother have been left to struggle. She has dogs that she refuses to leave. So she missed my daughters first & second birthdays as leaving the dogs for 45 hours was not an option. Pretty insulting really. She is now moving house and has stolen mil away from us again so we cant get on with decorating for baby number two. She also has her mum booked in for dog sitting 10 days in September so we cant leave our daughter with mil whilst i have a scan. So yup I understand exactly why you are upset. You want them to take an interest in your sons life. Sadly im learning with this second pregnancy that people dont change and for my daughters sake now i try and socialise her with other people rather than her own family as they don't try at all.

I hope you enjoy your sons birthday anyway dont let them ruin it as he will have an amazing day without them. You have been through alot to be a mummy and I understand that you feel blessed to be a mummy now. Hope you manage to enjoy it xx

 

[Smiler82]

I know your child is only one but do you go to any playgroups or anything? Maybe you could invite a couple of the mums and babies from there?

My SIL missed DS1's first birthday because she couldn't leave her dogs...I was pretty insulted by that at the time (actually, still am now that I think about it!!) What I would say is I built up his first birthday to be this big thing (we also struggled a bit to conceive and had two miscarriages) but in the end it was probably a little more hassle than it was actually worth! I mean, it was nice to have the family together but it was too much for him. He was overwhelmed by the people all in the house at the same time, wasn't particularly interested in the presents (loved the wrapping paper though haha) and he couldn't nap properly so he ended up overtired, grumpy and then slept badly that night because of it! This was all on the Saturday before his birthday. On his actual birthday, DH took the day off and the three of us had a little day out. It was really lovely and far less stressful. I understand though, it does mean a lot to you as a parent. We have another child now and it's his birthday this weekend, and although we kind of have plans as the kids' birthdays are the same week, we're not doing anything specifically for him on his birthday iyswim. I feel a bit bad about it, but there's a million reasons why which I won't bore you with, so no point in me stressing over it.

 

[KatO79]

I know your child is only one but do you go to any playgroups or anything? Maybe you could invite a couple of the mums and babies from there?

Yep we're in a Mommy & Me Group. But I think it's odd to invite them, may be a cultural thing? i seriously doubt I'm invited to the birthdays they'll be having. I think here people tend to invite close family and maybe a few of their closest friends. Which is why we were going to only invite the immediate family.

I think what's also annoying me is that the little brother and his girlfriend don't take very much interest. It's been months and months since they've liked any pics or updates of him except for fairly recently. The girlfriend did like a video I put up of my son getting close to crawling. I guess I also fear that the girlfriend's brother will have priority every year, resulting in them never coming if the girlfriend's brother keeps choosing the same weekend DH and I do.

 

[laura109]

I know your child is only one but do you go to any playgroups or anything? Maybe you could invite a couple of the mums and babies from there?

My SIL missed DS1's first birthday because she couldn't leave her dogs...I was pretty insulted by that at the time (actually, still am now that I think about it!!) What I would say is I built up his first birthday to be this big thing (we also struggled a bit to conceive and had two miscarriages) but in the end it was probably a little more hassle than it was actually worth! I mean, it was nice to have the family together but it was too much for him. He was overwhelmed by the people all in the house at the same time, wasn't particularly interested in the presents (loved the wrapping paper though haha) and he couldn't nap properly so he ended up overtired, grumpy and then slept badly that night because of it! This was all on the Saturday before his birthday. On his actual birthday, DH took the day off and the three of us had a little day out. It was really lovely and far less stressful. I understand though, it does mean a lot to you as a parent. We have another child now and it's his birthday this weekend, and although we kind of have plans as the kids' birthdays are the same week, we're not doing anything specifically for him on his birthday iyswim. I feel a bit bad about it, but there's a million reasons why which I won't bore you with, so no point in me stressing over it.

Glad its not just me who got sold out for dogs lol x

 

[minties]

I totally understand that feeling. We tried for 8 years before we had our first.

No one came to see Sophie for her birthday, and I think I spent half the day crying! My dad hasn't even met Sophie and Emma, and last he saw Thomas, was when he was 3 months old.

My mum only came to see Emma for her birthday because I nagged.

 

[KatO79]

I totally understand that feeling. We tried for 8 years before we had our first.

No one came to see Sophie for her birthday, and I think I spent half the day crying! My dad hasn't even met Sophie and Emma, and last he saw Thomas, was when he was 3 months old.

My mum only came to see Emma for her birthday because I nagged.

Wow 8 years, must've been hard

I'm so sorry that no one came at all, that's really crappy that none of them could come. Any good excuses? So bad of your father, his lose! And I'm sorry your mother did that

I know my DH's little brother and girlfriend have reasonably good excuses but it's sad all the same I just fear that this'll be a pattern since my son was born so close to the girlfriend's brother's birthday I so want my son to have loving uncles on DH's side as my toxic siblings have all but checked out and I most likely will end up not having contact with them in the near future.