Upset..

[Peanut112]

I'm a young, first time mom in my early 20s…
It's been about 2 months since I told my dad (and he told his SO) that I was pregnant. My dads first reaction was over-the-moon thrilled… UNTIL he talked to his SO.. Who proceeded to tell him how I'm screwing up my life, and now it's ruined and bla bla bla. Since then, the both of them are in a sh*t mood mood about it.

I had (or at least I thought I did) a very good relationship with my dad and didn't expect the negativity at all. My dad is just coming around to the fact that I'm pregnant without being a royal jerk about it. Then I overhear his SO going on to my dad about how stressed out they are about me being pregnant and they don't know how the heck they're going to handle it and bla bla bla…. On top of that, they avoid me like I'm the black plague. My dad not so much, but still didn't care to chat up until the last week.

I just want to cry. All of this rejection towards me and the baby the last 2 months and NOW it's starting to hurt. NOW it's getting to me. I want to yell at them! Something along the lines of "if you don't want to accept the fact that I'm pregnant, and this baby is happening. Then that's fine, don't bother being in it's life." or a vulgar, descriptive "It's not your problem!!!" speech.

Talking to them won't help anything because 1. they won't listen and 2. They're SET on how bad this is. And I'm honestly sick of hearing the "Oh, it'll change once the baby is here" … No.. Nothing changes in this SO's mind….. Absolutely nothing.

I am hurt, this is hurting me. My OH isn't even home for another week so I can cry to him. I feel so hopeless...

 

[Jessicahide]

Sorry you are going through this, you are not ruining your life, they are talking poop!!! (sorry to be dim but what is so?) Sounds to me like your dad was happy for you, and this other person is jelly!

Unfortunatly pregnancy does weird things to other people, some people cant stand attention not being on them for a second, and act out... You lose friends (but not usually important ones, unless you are unlucky) People will lie to you.... Its a strange time, don't let them ruin your excitement and enjoyment, stuff em!!! XXXXX

 

[MummaMoo]

Definitely the dad's SO (Significant Other) influence taking over here, and yes, she's most likely jealous.

It's sooo sad because it sounds like he was thrilled to begin with.

Why should they be so stressed about it!? If you're in a steady relationship with the father, supporting yourselves, independent from them, why should it affect them at all, apart from bringing a new bundle of joy into the family!?

Myself, I would probably just be super excited about it all in front of them, rubbing the belly affectionately... be really in their faces about it. And maybe tell them that i'm not asking them for anything but to be happy for us, and if they can't do that then keep away.

Before we were pregnant with #2 my in-laws kept on saying "you're not going to have another are you, we won't be able to cope with two". We. WE!??? Sod that!

 

[imaceful]

If I remember rightly from your previous post about this all, you said you're currently living with your dad and his SO? Maybe now's the time to consider moving out with your partner? Maybe that could eliminate some of the hostility that they may feel towards your pregnancy and how living with a new baby might effect them?

I'm not saying how they're treating you is right, because it isn't. But not all reactions can be justified and they just need to be accepted as what's happened.

It's a stressful position to be in, and I really sympathise. Pregnancy hormones are evil too, and it's the last thing you need right now. I'm sure things will improve with time. Time is the greatest healer

 

[Peanut112]

We've been on our own for a while now.

The SO really hates my OH's side of the family so I guess that doesn't help either. But I mean really… Whats the big deal? If they're going to be oooh soooo stressed because of the baby, then they don't need to be in the babies life.. I'm just fed up with being rejected by the only people who really mattered to me. It hurts.

 

[KatO79]

I'm so sorry you're going through all that Peanut

Does your Dad's SO have any children herself?

I'd say that the best thing to do is emotionally detach from them so their comments don't hurt you anymore. I have a toxic mother (that I'm low contact with as she's highly emotionally abusive) that doesn't care very much about my pregnancy. So I've emotionally detached so anything she says or does doesn't phase me anymore. My older siblings (I'm the youngest) are very emotionally toxic as well (think my family runs the gambit in Narcissistic Personality Disorder) but I'm pretty much no contact with them so they don't even know I'm pregnant, not that they would care anyway, they would probably also try to ruin it for me and I don't need that.

Maybe if you're living with them then move out and go really low contact on them? It sounds like your Dad's SO has her own issues and is lashing out at you to make herself feel better (I know a fair amount about adult bullies given the family I come from). Don't take it personally, her issues are within herself and not with you or your situation. Some people are just miserable and as they say, misery loves company.

I can also recommend using non-defensive communication when you do speak to them. Here are some suggestions:

NON-DEFENSIVE PHRASES:

- Really?
- I see.
- I understand.
- That’s interesting.
- That’s your choice.
- I’m sure you see it that way.
- You’re entitled to your opinion.
- I’m sorry you’re upset.
- Let’s talk about this when you’re calmer.
- Yelling and threatening aren’t going to solve anything.
- This subject is off-limits.
- I don’t choose to have this conversation.
- Guilt peddling and playing the pity card are not going to work anymore.
- I know you’re upset.
- This is non-negotiable.
- I don’t accept your definition of me.
- No, I’m not going to do what you ask just because you insist.
- I need to go now.

SETTING BOUNDARIES (POSITION STATEMENTS):

- I am no longer willing to…
- I am willing to…
- It is no longer acceptable for you to…
- I need you to…

REMEMBER TO:
- Set your limits
- Tell her/him very clearly what the new rules are
- Spell out what you’ll do if she/he disrespects or violates them

 

[lauraairving]

I know how you feel. Prove them wrong and show them what an amazing mama you're going to be. Don't feel down. They'll regret it once the baby is here and they see how good you are xx