VERY long vent, on my teenager and DH

[mommy2lilmen]

OMG I am so pissed off. I cant even begin to explain how mad I am . Im ready to just say screw it.

My oldest son past two days has treated me and his bros like crap. I mean to the T, cornered me, told me I will listen to him cus he feels hes better than me and more, intimidated and such. Told me Im ruining his life, I am yelling all the time, he hates it here and more. So fine. DH got in his face and told him to not speak to me that way and not use his height to his advantage to get what he wants. hes 5 7 and im 4 10, my son is so tall compared to me and he knows I wont paddle his butt, but omg iI almost did. I thought DH was going to hit him. Some family says he would of deserved it since he almost hit his own mom. He even beats his brothers up and calls them names if he doesnt get his way, and I get told by the older 4 dad that its cus he first born he feels he can do it and just let him do it, its a phase. Wow when my older 3 are scared to be alone with him, I gotta let him do it? I dont think so. I draw the line.

ANyways, he storms out and I force him to leave his cell here. He did. So mad at me, but he did. He left, said hes never coming back, so I said fine you have till cerfew be home or the police come looking for you. well last night he came home with attitude still and demads his phone. I ignored him. I demanded an apology and more. He gave me a half arse one and to me that didnt cut it. ALL cus I asked him to clean his room, like really? To say all there is is yelling here? Well sure once in a while, but gotta expect that with 6 kids. I guess it was too hard for him to give me an apology and acknowledgement that this behaviour is NOT right.

At first I thought he knew of newbaby so took it out on me like #6 . I had to send him to live with his dad cus I was scared of him.He came back after a long long long talk and such. Well Im back to being scared of him and I havent told him or the others yet of the new baby. I told him to go to his room and I will not be speaking ot him till I feel ready. So I didnt see him till today. He came up, snarky and more (room in basement suite) and I let it be. Then he starts to talk to me like nothing ever happened. Fine thats my son, he does that. So he asks me for money to go snowboarding..Im like seriously? 12 hrs ago you hated me but Im good for the money? WOw NO! I have the money but its certainly not for that. I explained to him I have 180 for his ball hockey league and 75 for groceries, THATS IT. He kept asking me, So its a no? I repeated myself, yes its a no Im sorry. Few minutes goes by, AGAIN is it a no? I said yes did you not hear me? So he slams down the snowboarding boots form his younger brothers to the ground nd says this is BullS*** I said excuse me? He said dont you raise your voice to me. I said you know what, F** OFF dont talkt o me that way. I dont havet he money, ask your dad. So he did and his dad said no. LOL so omg that made him even more mad. he storms off to his room saying this is bullsh** again. I was like holy crap.

Having issues with him at school , doing work and attendance..I think his friends have a big role in all of this and I dont know how to stop him from hanging with them cus he will find away some how. He has no care in the world it seems. I asked him to clean his room, do his homework, attend school on time, put garbage out once a week, watch his mouth, have a shower twice a week at minimum, brush his teeth and thats it THATS ALL he has to do each week. What kid has this little to do?

Dh wakes up from his nap this afternoon befor his shift tonight and I explain to him what Sean is doing again, and hes like ok fine, give Sean the $180 for his ball hockey and tell him to do what he wants with it and he gets no ball hockey. OMG I snapped. I literally just about lost it on DH. I said NO WAY. I will not be one to be dictated by even you to give whats in my wallet I said to DH, so your letting him get away with speaking ot me that way and having run of what money I have in my walet. I think its bettr he have 3 months of ball hockey then having 1 day and blowing the rest. NO WAY. I will not teach him a lesson this way. Thats just giving in, to me its giving in. If I give him the money, then come ball hockey season he will B**** wanting money to play and that its boring and go and hit his brothers and beat them up and intimidate me like hes been doing these days. Ya OK I much rather have him B**** about ONE day of boredom and realize that I am doing whats best, than to have him tell me whats best.

OMG DH got so defensive and said to me, Im sorry I should of thought about it clearly. Like ya, really you should of.

Was I out of line being all mad,was I out of line with how I was with him yesterday?

Hes going to be 15 in March, I certainly want to raise respectful men, I dont want one that can think he can talk to woemn like a peice of Sh**. his dad used to to do that to me, my DH used to, but we went to counselling and things have been better. Ugh, this sucks. I hate this I hate this I hate this. i am fearing telling the kids of the new baby incase he flips on me.

 

[Amarna]

You shouldn't be afraid of your son. He sounds like he's got a lot of problems and I definitely don't think you have enough support to deal with this as it is. Is there anyway you could get him into therapy/counseling of some sort? Even if you can't it might be worth you going and talking to someone to see if they have any suggestions on how to improve things. I wish I could offer more advice. Really there is no reason why you should put up with being treated like that.

 

[mommy2lilmen]

You shouldn't be afraid of your son. He sounds like he's got a lot of problems and I definitely don't think you have enough support to deal with this as it is. Is there anyway you could get him into therapy/counseling of some sort? Even if you can't it might be worth you going and talking to someone to see if they have any suggestions on how to improve things. I wish I could offer more advice. Really there is no reason why you should put up with being treated like that.

thank you
I had him in counselling and it just made him to a point that, well the counsellor said I should do this, screw you kinda attitude. he was 9
I certainly dont want that again. But at this point.. never know.
Got another grade from a teacher today, ugh 9%, hes FAILING and in the other class 38%. WTF?? Ugh, waiting to hear from the other teachers. IF he fails, I will send him to his dad. I will take him on holidays and on pro d days. I cant and will not put up with disrespect. Not to mention my DH yesterday, flat out says i refuse to help with him now. IM LIKE WHAT. I think I will let the steam wear off and retalk with DH on the whole matter he may just be still mad.

 

[Danigirl22891]

Im sorry your in his sitution. If my daughter ever acted like that there would be hell to pay. If he thinks he can find a better place to stay go ahead but leave all the stuff you bought (cell phone and clothes). You need to start taking things away from him, if he's sleeping on a mattress on the floor so be it make him earn his stuff back.

 

[JASMAK]

I would take everything away. His ball, and all activites and his phone. Videos...everything. Rock bottom!!! I would make him EARN it each and every day with a chart....things that he is having issues with. Homework. Respectful. Keeping room clean. Respectful to siblings. Not swearing (but then, you shouldn't either, IMO). Each day that he does those things, he can earn his stuff for the following day. So, perhaps, cleaning his room means he can have his cell phone. Doing his homework means he can play ball. Ect... Sounds like he is acting very spoiled and disrespectful. I would also give him counselling. If he wants money, he should earn that too. My kids, at ages 8 and 7, already earn $10 every two weeks for a chore chart (easy things really such as putting plates in sink, making beds, putting dirty laundry away, saying please and thank-you). Nothing is for free in this world. NOTHING. I had a job at 15 too.

 

[TattiesMum]

I've survived 3 teenagers and it's hard work

I agree with Jasmak re the 'earning' stuff ... cell phones, tvs in rooms, activities and going out with friends should be conditional on behaviour and effort at school As for money - let him earn it for doing chores etc round the house rather than just giving it ... it teaches them the valuable life lesson that nothing comes for free and to some extent how to manage their money (let's face it as an adult if we blow all our money on something stupid there is no-one standing in the wings to just hand us more )

Having said all that I'd also advise not sweating the small stuff Teens will push the boundaries on everything and you have to pick your battles .... schoolwork and respect are non-negotiable obviously but smaller issues like room tidying, showering etc are often not worth the energy and angst they cost YOU My 3 are close in age so at one point I had 3 teens simultaneously and if I'd pressed on stuff like rooms, clothes, friends and so on then I'd have been shouting from the moment I got up until the moment I went to bed

Obviously don't let them think they have won an argument, just re-assess what matters the most and turn a blind eye to the smaller stuff for your own sanity .... I long since learned to just shut the door to their rooms and ignore the chaos within. I didn't change bed linen ... they knew where clean linen was if they wanted it and if they wanted to sleep in filthy beds then that was their lookout. I didn't iron their clothes because they never put them away - if they wanted them ironed then they did it themselves (and took better care of them once it was them who had put the effort in!) if they didn't then they wore them un-ironed If they weren't home at mealtimes then they got no meal and had to fend for themselves when they got in etc

I also at one point - when my girls got out of hand beyond what I was prepared to accept (at separate times but both around the 14/15 mark) - sent them to their Dad's to live for a while.... His 2nd wife is a tartar and within a week they were both begging to come home - and had to wait another 2 weeks after that before I allowed them back just to push the message home! My son (the youngest) learned the lesson from his sisters and never pushed so hard that he had to go there

The teenage years are the hardest of all Hon ... forget STTN or the terrible two's - they are a piece of cake compared to the average teen

The good news is that if the respect and basic groundwork for being a good human being was there in their early years they do come back to it once the hormone driven teen angst goes My 3 are now considerate and well rounded adults despite having driven me nearly to distraction with their teen tantrums and dramas

 

[Tilliepink]

I don't have advice but just want to give sounds like a proper nightmare hope you find someway to gain control again.

 

[tearDrops]

He certainly is disrespectful and he needs to be taught a lesson. I guess the best you can do is to take away privileges and stuff if he ever does that again. My daughter is very attached to her phone and the threat that it might be taken away from her usually does the trick. I've read in an article that they need to be taught and corrected on their behavior so talk to to him. If all else fails, I suggest the taking away stuff, it always work for me.