Viagra for Stage Fright / Performance Anxiety - Advice?

[Raymo]

Hi

We have been TTC for about 12 months now and my husband has been suffering from performance anxiety. The stage fright occurs, without fail, on my most fertile days. I have tried my utmost not to put undue pressure on him, not to put any pressure on him at all, not to tell him when I am fertile. I have tried double bluffing the dates, but he knows me so well that he can read me like a book. Plus it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out the pattern of my cycles. How do you hide a period especially when your face is all blotchy from the disappointment of the phantom miscarriage because even though we didn't have repeated sex at the optimum time, I had all the symptoms?

I know that this is a psychological thing - he fears the disappointment every month. He "works" perfectly any other time in the month (best when AF arrives, which indicates that the total lack of pressure = outstanding performance). We tried making use of the early mornings, which has worked in the past, but even that is beginning to flop at the crucial times. I find the subject difficult to discuss with friends as it is embarrassing for him and he would not want me to discuss it.

I have had my initial blood tests which came back normal, and the doc suggested a semen analysis test. I thought this would be a good idea as a) if it comes back normal, he may get his confidence back and b) if there is a problem then maybe artificial insemination is the way forward in any event. However I am worried that it may put even more pressure on him and I don't want the problem to get worse than it is.

My next attempt is going to be pretending my period is later than it is, but I am not very good at deceiving him. This morning he suggested that we try viagra at the peak time and part of me thinks that even just agreeing to this and having the pills in our possession - the placebo effect - may even be enough - what are your thoughts on this?

Any advice would be very welcome.

Raymo

 

[Traceycurly]

Hi

I can't give you any advice but just wanted to say I am in the same situation! We have been delaying TTC for the past year due to jobs etc and now the time is finally here my Hubby is getting stage fright! For him the worry is because it happened once he is constantly worried that it will happen again which of course it does due to the pressure!

I keep trying to hide the fact that it upsets me but I don't think I am doing that very well!

We discussed Viagra last night so we shall see what happens!

 

[puppycat]

Sounds like you need a break from TTC. Just BD whenever you feel the need regardless of where you are in your cycle.

If he's willing to try viagra then give it a go but you ideally need to remove the pressure x

 

[ellie27]

I will offer advice from my experience.

We had the same problems but we were both determined we wanted a baby........to cut a long story short I got him to ejaculate into a condom, I used a plastic syringe to insert into my vagina - simples!!! I guess it is self-insemination.

This took the pressure off OH and we could do this around the fertile time and just enjoy the rest of the month!

We have conceived 3 times this way. First time I was 32 and we were 3rd month lucky, but it ended in miscarriage. Second time, 3rd month lucky again and our daughter is 18 months. And now, age 34, it worked 2nd time and I am 23wks pregnant with a baby boy!!

If you have no medical problems I really do suggest this - the chances of it working are as good as having sex.

Good luck - if you want to ask anything go ahead or message me!

 

[Raymo]

Wow thank you for your input peoples! This is my first posting,I was previously a silent stalker but it is very reassuring to get feedback.

I wasn't sure if Viagra was ok to use but think we will give that a go. And then try the old syringe (not literally an old syringe, that would be grim)

Men love chemistry sets don't they?

Re the pressure - think he is putting more pressure on himself to be honest, but I do get what you are saying.

 

[zozarini]

Hi Raymo,

Just read your post and thought i would put my wee bit in : )

From a medical point of view I would perhaps discuss this with your doctor, I do not beleive viagra should be used in "unnecessary" circumstances. If your Hubby is able to peform at certain times of month without problems it is the psycological then there is really no need for viagra. Viagra does have dangers and side effects. Although i do realise how in baby making us lot are willing to try whatever it takes. I can total appreciate how you are feeling but my advice would be to really discuss ttc with your hubby and see if you can totally get the problems on the table. Your man is clearly feeling "pressured" if it is affecting him down stairs.

Perhaps a good old heart to heart about how he feels and maybe it may mean having a month off until he regains confidence, so you can both enjoy sex for the closeness and not the baby making. Maybe ust you saying to take time off to enjoy one another again will be all it takes.. yet it may happen as if you are not thinking "babies" then you may have sex during your ovulation time.

Sorry if im over stepping the mark but opposed to looking at viagra I would be dealing with the root cause. As he may get hard with viagra but will he be able to finish? if he cant then that will make your hubby feel even worse surely. Back to basics of just having good old sex..maybe spice it up and make i fun.. just make love rather than a baby and in time you may make both!! xx

 

[Raymo]

Hi Zozarini - we do talk about it at length and he is very open. He just feels pressured around the fertile time. He knows when the time is because he works it out from my period. We try to have sex every other day from day 8, and he has problems days 11-14 which is my ovulation time. We don't have problems any other time, and I always hug him and tell him it doesn't matter and it will happen one day. Some times we just kiss and it works from there but more often than not it doesn't. Some months we have managed it, but we have never been able to do it every day for the peak time. Whilst I appreciate that it will happen one day, we have also had time off and when we have sex it is good... it is simply a mental block with him at the optimum time. We laugh about it because it is ironic that when I am on my period he is mad for it. My reasoning is more that, if we have the viagra there, just the psychological placebo of having it there may help him, a bit like an antidepressant for a depressed person, sometimes just having the prescription or the pills is enough..... I hope that explains it a bit more! sorry for detail

 

[zozarini]

No not at all! The more detail and discussion the better!

You do what you think will help. You know your hubby better than anyone and if its something you are both in agreement with then its worth a try.

Goodness my partner would not have a clue about my ovulation time!! Tell your DH to stop paying so much attention!! lol just kidding its great that he knows all the info too. Just a shame for the situation.

I know it may sound silly but what about making the sex more "fun" around that time. Not saying it isnt always fun but i know we dont have sex like we used to. Like stopping for a quickie in the car.. or in he kitchen doing the dishes.. just jump him and have a laugh.. so its not to staged in the bedroom or something? focus his mind elsewhere.. like doing it on a walk... he will be too busy thinking he my get caught to think "god she is ovulating"...might not work but worth a try.. or a wee dress up/sex toys that sort of thing.

Now this is total speculation as you may have that kind of sex life already!! lol. Oh and dont get arrested either! lol xx

 

[Raymo]

Hey Zozarini - He does get emotionally involved and can't see sex as an act without the emotional involvement, one of the reasons I love him. If I pounced on him in the woods he would get freaked out and know for sure it's ovulation time!! Haha. Anyway, the doc has prescribed a short course of viagra, and did confirm that it is often prescribed in these "performance anxiety"situations where sometimes the guy just needs a kickstart or back up plan to get confidence back. So, fingers crossed it will do the trick - we shall see what happens! (I am also going to make a concerted effort to pretend my period is later than it is this month).

Traceycurly - good luck to you! I'm sure there are lots of us in the same situation

Raymo xx

 

[zozarini]

Thats great, Raymo.

Let us know how you get in and good luck, I do hope it works for you both and your man gets some confidence back.

Sending you hugs and lots of baby dust!! xxx

 

[Viking15]

Hi
My DH is struggling with performance as well. I have been looking into using maca root as he has tried Viagra before and hated it. He has mentioned trying it again recently, but I'm not sure if it will just cause resentment. I'm fairly sure I will give maca root a try. I wish I could give it to him without him knowing.

 

[Raymo]

hey Viking15 - thanks for posting - what is maca root? sounds intriguing...

 

[jenn2010]

wow I just posted a thread about this! we are going through the same thing right now. I've been doing fertility treatments for 9 months and finally had a good follicle to get the trigger shot. But knowing my dh cant do it everyday I was hoping just this once maybe!! we bd the last night which was the day of the shot and couldnt today. He tried but it just couldnt happen.. long story short he got upset I got upset and it did not go good. I'm hoping tomorrow we will still have time to catch the egg. But I dont know. we are trying viagra next time for sure if I dont get my bfp. I just hope maybe it was enought. ttc really brings out the emotions!

 

[jenn2010]

I'd also like to add that even though its not "hard" he can make himself ejaculate. so the condom story interested me.. so maybe we can try that. can you get condoms without spermicide? and where do you get syringes?

 

[Viking15]

You used to be able to get condoms without spermicide.
Maca root. Hm. I don't really understand it. I know it is a root from Peru. It is touted as nature's viagra. We haven't tried it yet. I can't think of how to approach the subject without hurting his feelings.
I know you have to take boatloads of it if you go the capsule route. Some people say the powder is better, but to get the gelatinized otherwise it might cause a stomach ache.

 

[ellie27]

I'd also like to add that even though its not "hard" he can make himself ejaculate. so the condom story interested me.. so maybe we can try that. can you get condoms without spermicide? and where do you get syringes?

Hi, if that is the only problem that you and OH are having, I think this is your best odds!

OH does it into a non-spermicidal condom, you get them everywhere.

And we got some simple plastic 10ml syringes from an online pharmacy - think it was about £3 for 20 of them.

There is no dangers in doing this at all!!!! Chances of pregnancy are just the same as having sex.

This is our 3rd pregnancy in 2.5 years using this method (we already have an 18 month daughter)

If you need any other help, message me!

 

[Raymo]

I have told my husband about the forum suggestions and we are going to try viagra next month (picked it up today!) and I also think we might try the syringe route although nervous that it might feel a bit "clinical". Jenn2010 - I think you should just let him know that you went online and saw this thread, and that lots of other men suffer from this, it is very common, and hopefully that will open up the discussion. Also, we were successful for some months BD in the mornings making use of the morning wood, so maybe you could suggest this?

I feel sorry for the guys - at least we talk about it, there is a bit of taboo for men on this subject and they are hardly going to mull it over with their buddies over a pint.

 

[jenn2010]

when I told him about the syringe method he was relieved. He doesnt enjoy dissapointing me so this will def help!! but hopefully we wont have to do it next month i was also thinking about using soft cups - have him ejaculate in one and then insert it in me and keep in for awhile. but i've never used soft cups before and don't really know if there awkward or not

 

[Raymo]

Just an update - We used viagra last month - just half a pill for each BD, did it on my usual peak day and the day after with the viagra, and every other day without the pills. What was amazing was just the lack of any stress or issues whatsoever on those important dates - it was such a relief. It really is a wonder drug. The OH went a bit flushed in the face but apart from that, I wouldn't have known any different, except for the fact that we had absolutely NO problems. Unfortunately my fertility monitor did not show a peak this month so I just went by my normal ov dates. Definitely going to use again if necessary, and I do think mentally that it is more comforting for the man to know that you can take a pill to fix it.

Next step for us is the dreaded sperm analysis results.

Thanks for all the help ladies x

 

[ellie27]

Well done!

It certainly sounds like it is a step in the right direction for you and hopefully this will boost your chances of conceiving soon!!

Good luck!