Warning RANT - Stepchildren

[Zuki]

Deleted. Sorry, struggling to talk about this. Wish I'd not started it.

 

[Beadle]

Didn't want to read and run, I don't have anything for advise but I am sorry you're going through this hopefully things can get worked out, maybe you can talk to your hubby about having a talk with his son about his manners and treating him better?

 

[Zuki]

Unfortunately he treats his dad worse than he does me. But it's regularly "let's sit down and talk" only for things to improve for a day or two and then go back to being crappy.

 

[Take2]

This might sound harsh but its a package deal and you are the adult. He is only 12 which is a tough age, sounds like you and hubby need to have a good chat and figure out why he is acting out and try and bring harmony to the family before bub arrives

 

[Zuki]

I appreciate where you're coming from, and from an external point of view I would totally be the same, but that's what we've spent the last two years doing already.

 

[Beadle]

Unfortunately with him being 12 he's going to be pretty set in his ways since it wasn't brought up when he was younger. Trying to teach him differently will be easier said than done both because he's so used to it, and 12 is right around that age when their stubbornness skyrockets. But I'm keeping my FX for you that you can either find a way to convince him to change, or find some other way to make it all work out well in the end.

 

[fashionqueen]

What are the consequences for his bad behaviour?

 

[Zuki]

What are the consequences for his bad behaviour?

Loss of tv, xbox, privileges, later bedtimes, that sort of thing depending on what he's been doing or how far he's pushed it.

 

[Mellybelle]

I have two step sons aged 14 and 12, and the shower gel incident sounds pretty familiar. That's what you call normal teenage boys.

As for the rudeness, you and your hubby can change his behaviour by changing your behaviour. Having a talk about it wont fix it. Children learn love and respect by being loved and respected. When he's rude or obnoxious, keep your voice calm. You can say things to him such as "It really upsets me when you speak to me like that. I'm not going to speak to you that way because I don't like to upset you."

 

[sojourn]

I didn't get to read your initial post, but I can tell you're struggling.

I was the awful, awful step-child. I was rude and awful to my mother and completely out of line. I still cringe when I think of how terrible I was for her. I was struggling with a lot of feelings and I just didn't know how else to handle it. There was a lot of turbulence in my life and I just took it all out on her.

It sucked for a long time, and especially for my mom. Things got better. It took a LONG, LONG time and a lot of miserable experiences. Now, she is the only real mom I have. I love her more than anything.

I'm sorry this is the sucky time you're going through.

 

[Zuki]

Thanks Sojourn, in a sense I am a stepkid as well, my dad remarried when I was 19 though so I don't see her as a stepmother. She's a bitch, and that's putting it mildly. So I learned what you should never do.

I don't know what his issue is with us (he's fine with everyone else) but we just cannot seem to get it through his head that we're not expecting him to be perfect but we do expect respect and common courtesy. He called me "pathetic" at the weekend because I told him to clean his teeth, because even at twelve if we don't watch him he won't do them.

His response to being told off for his attitude in the past went so far as to take a screwdriver or something and gouge holes in the walls of my flat! We're just at the end of our tethers tbh.

 

[sojourn]

Yeah. He's definitely got some issues. He's probably angry. His life has clearly been changing and when you're a kid you don't really understand and you can't fix it.

I know I really hated feeling like I had absolutely no control over my life. My life when my biological parents was ROUGH, then when they split it was lovely. My dad was wonderful and kind and we had a lot of fun and always felt comfortable and loved. Then my dad remarried and it was weird having to share his affection. My mom was young and didn't really understand kids, so she tried to reason with us and treat us like adults (which sounded good! Except that we ran all over her, then she would lose it.). Then she got pregnant and I felt really left out. I felt like my dad loved her more than he loved my old mom, so he would love the new kid more than he would love us.

I don't claim to know what your step-son is going through, but having a relatively new step-mom and then also getting a new sibling thrown in the mix could be doing a number on him. He is likely fine with everyone else because they aren't as new as the unit of you and your husband. So he's testing the boundaries and seeing what you guys will respond with. Honestly, he might be hoping that if he's bad enough, you'll leave. I know I did that. I felt like my bio-mom left because she couldn't handle kids (true) and if I pushed hard enough, my mom would leave and it would be back the way I wanted it.

Again, all just useless conjecture basically. Maybe it can give some reference or insight though. I don't know. I'm sure you've considered it, but maybe counseling. Most of the time with kids counseling there is a portion of it where it's the whole family. It might help to have an objective mediator. It might also make the kid feel like he is part of your family (which may help if this is how he is feeling, especially with a baby coming).

Has his behavior changed/intensified since you got pregnant? Just curious.

[Side note: MOST 12 year old boys won't brush their teeth if you aren't watching over them. I was a boy scout camp counselor for 8 years and I would make staff in my area keep tooth brushes in the area and have them brush their teeth each day before morning meeting. Without that, they'd have gone weeks without doing it! They were 15-18!]

 

[Zuki]

FTR I've been in his life since he was five, it's only in the last couple of years he's starting acting so horribly.

And no, nothing's changed really since finding out about the baby.

 

[Mellybelle]

I'm sorry if my comment upset you. I really didn't mean that you are parenting in a wrong way at all.

My steppies have lived with us half the time since they were 5 and almost 3. When the eldest got to teen years his behaviour toward me changed too. Their bio mum is a good mother to them but a bad divorced parent. She absolutely hates me and makes no secret of it and loves to bad mouth me to the kids.

There was a while there (when he reached early teen years) where my eldest stepson would barely speak to me except to be rude. I got upset and angry about it at first, told my husband that he'd need to speak to him about it etc. Then I realised that I needed to change my behaviour. I wasn't doing anything wrong and while it seemed that nothing had changed in our lives, something had changed. I used a bit more humour. I look for silly stories and videos to share with my stepson. It worked. I am now the person that he tells a dirty joke to. He uses swear words around me that he would never use around his mother or father.
He still has his moments. But I don't let it upset me now.
As for the evil bitch bio mum (I never ever speak badly about her to the boys), she can say whatever she likes. I use my actions to prove her words wrong.

Again, i'm sorry if I upset you. Step parenting is the toughest parenting.

 

[sojourn]

FTR I've been in his life since he was five, it's only in the last couple of years he's starting acting so horribly.

And no, nothing's changed really since finding out about the baby.

Sorry, I thought when you said you'd been dealing with it for two years that you meant how long you've been married. My mistake.

I'm sorry this is happening. Maybe it's just puberty sucking extra extra bad?Kids of that age can be kind of rotten to begin with. Add in any other weird mix of feelings they may have and, who knows?! Still, maybe counseling might help. There's something going on and he's clearly NOT handling things well. I'm sure that can be tough to orchestrate if you're in a co-parenting situation.

So sorry you're going through this. I hope this gets better. I'm sure you're doing everything you can and will keep doing the best for your family.