Warning - Rant!!!

[Raistlin's Mu]

I got pregnant with my first baby the first month I tried. The next one took 3 months and I started to get stressed then. I can't imagine how you lovely ladies that have many many months/years of TTC survive. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it easy for everyone who wanted children and hard for those who didn't until they wanted to! (If only, in a perfect world).

I think a lot of women who do make these comments though (i.e. don't stress, it'll happen), don't know what to say and are just trying to say something that they consider is comforting. I know that I probably would have said that at one time in my life. Everyone I know has either fallen accidently or straight away with planned bubs, so I didn't know better. It was only when I came on the boards that I realised how hard it could be and started to think that my comments might make someone feel the opposite to what I intended.

 

[Chocoholic]

FJL, I'm so sorry that your "friend" was suck an ungrateful, two-faced person!

I hope IVF works for you right away!

I can understand complaints if there's severe morning sickness or reflux but saying that you "hate"...!!! She doesn't deserve to be pregnant. There, I said it, she doesn't deserve that baby.

 

[Arcanegirl]

Yesterday i had all the "take a holiday" "youre trying too hard" etc and i got asked am i paying for the IUI!

I find it hard to come up with replies when theres nothing physically wrong. Im gonna stop talking about it at work if thats the answers im gonna get from them

 

[Mynxie]

there's not many people IRL who know that we're TTC, my parents have got the hint, so has my aunt, DHs sister and his mate and my best friend

 

[codegirl]

Ladies, It breaks my heart to hear you stories. I'm one of those dreadful people that got pregnant right away, so fast that I still can't quite get my head around it. I wish I could pass whatever we have to each of you.


My question for all of you is, what is the best way to support you? I have never been involved with converstations about conceving before. I think people assumed I wasn't interested or couldn't because I was mid 30s and had never talked about it (very private person) but now everyone that is trying comes to talk. I really don't know what to say since it just happened for us. I really dont' want to be insenstive and I want to be supportive but I don't know how.

Any insight you guys can give me would be great! And if there is anything I can do to help support you guys, please know that I'm here (and if I have an insenstive moment, just wack me on the side of the head)

 

[Mendy]

Awwww....thanks so much codegirl! A lot of times I think we just want to vent and just need someone to be there and listen. We really aren't looking for any "advice", we already get lots of that from our Dr's and mothers and aunts and grandmothers, etc...sometimes we just need someone to say, "Hang in there because it will happen, it's just taking you a bit longer, but don't lose hope." Sometimes we just need some encouragement, and not to be told to relax and don't try too hard, etc.

Lastly, I think if we want to talk about it, we will. Unfortunately, when I first started trying to conceive, I was so excited, I told everyone I work with. Now, 11 months later, I have EVERYONE asking if I'm pregnant yet. Actually my HPT was Tuesday, was a negative so I was feeling down, and a girl I work with asked, "Anything yet?" NO! When I DO become pregnant I will make sure to let you all know. In the meantime, nothing has changed and if I don't come to you, then I don't want to be asked.

I know people do this because they want to show they care, but sometimes it becomes too much, to keep getting asked and having to say the same thing, "No, not this month..."

 

[Chocoholic]

Ladies, It breaks my heart to hear you stories. I'm one of those dreadful people that got pregnant right away, so fast that I still can't quite get my head around it. I wish I could pass whatever we have to each of you.


My question for all of you is, what is the best way to support you? I have never been involved with converstations about conceving before. I think people assumed I wasn't interested or couldn't because I was mid 30s and had never talked about it (very private person) but now everyone that is trying comes to talk. I really don't know what to say since it just happened for us. I really dont' want to be insenstive and I want to be supportive but I don't know how.

Any insight you guys can give me would be great! And if there is anything I can do to help support you guys, please know that I'm here (and if I have an insenstive moment, just wack me on the side of the head)

Thanks so much for caring enough to ask!

Well, for starters, do not say "don't think about it" or "get it out of your head and it'll happen" or simply "it'll happen," which should be clear by now, lol.

I think the best way to go, IMHO, is to admit that since you had such an easy time, you don't know what to say. It's ok to admit that you can't really comfort someone in our position completely, but you can listen and let us vent. Sometimes all we need is somene to say "I really hope it happens for you soon." One of my friends said this and then took my hand, put it on her pregnant belly, and said she hopes her baby brings me luck too. It brought tears to my eyes, it was the sweetest thing!

Or you can take more interest in what our problem is. Don't brush off by saying "think positive." It drives me mad when someone says that. I'd much rather hear "I'm sorry you're having trouble. What does the doctor say? What's the treatment? I'm hear for you if you need to vent, I can come to the doctor's with you for support if you want."

See my point? You don't necessarily need to give advice. It's better to show that you care, and you're there if need be.

If you know about similar experiences, tell them. But don't finish with "see, it'll happen to you too." You don't know that. It's much better to say, "I hope you get pregnant like that too (whatever "that" might refer to, IUI, IVF, surprise, etc)."

Most of the time, when we talk about this with someone who didn't have problems conceiving, we're not looking for advice, we're just looking for some comfort and a shoulder to cry on.

This is what I think...

 

[NeyNey]

The only outcome I see in all of this is ya'll are just going to have to move here and be my neighbours

That way we can form our own little support group, and can meet on Wednesdays and bring Wine and cookies

 

[Chocoholic]

That would've been AWESOME NeyNey!

Off topic but, one of my friends moved to Australia for her boyfriend right after they started dating, now, 2 years later, they're getting married in October!

 

[Sinead]

I know how you feel, I am lucky that my family are really supportive, but ocasionally they do say the wrong thing - just relax etc.

Don't know about the rest of you guys, but I definitely want to be NeyNey's neighbour!!!!!!

 

[jobee2222]

It took me a year and a half to fall pregnant. I have polycystic ovaries and my OH drinks alot. He was certain he was shooting blanks and I was certain I couldnt have any. It wasn't till I had all but given up that I realised I was pregnant. It's all about timing, but i heard if you lie down for 30 mins after sex that can help to conceive. If all else fails give it a go.

 

[JASMAK]

I have been told to "relax" so many times. It pisses me off too. People really don't understand at all. (hugs) to you.

 

[Wobbles]

I'm sure i'm not alone, so i'm just going to cut loose with this one!

It annoys the fuck out of me when people say that taking a break, a holiday or relaxing is the ticket to getting your pregnant. It is a load of shit.

It especially annoys me when it comes out of the mouths of those who have gotten their BFP's instantly because it goes to show they have no fucking clue of what it is like. If they had to wait months and months or years and had to go through invasive tests and treatments I can bet my bottom dollar that they would not breeze through it all in a relaxed, stress free way.

Ever heard the saying 'walk a mile in someone elses shoes'? I wish to god these woman would put this into practise...

Its not just people on forums, its people in life and fuck me dead I am fed up! I don't smile and tolerate it anymore, I bite back, and maybe too harshly but i'm so over women thinking they're experts on getting pregnant when really, they were just lucky so therefore know next to nothing about getting pregnant.

The hard thing right now is that the 1 person who is going on about how stress affects fertility blah blah blah is my boss, so I can't very well tell her to fuck off now can I?!? Instead I firmly state my opinon that in 'our case' stress has nothing to do with it, and infact we haven't been consciously trying for a baby all year and guess what? Still childless - hello, our problem is not stress related!!!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, just had to get that out.

I swear, i'm not a psycho!

People who have neverwalked your path tend not to know what to say but want to say something usually they hope its words of comfort or just kind words and have no idea that hearing what they have said is a killer inside *hugs* I don't think people intend to be or look as insensitive as its been taken but there are certain things that really got on my nerves sometimes it was the way it came out like peope would say to be "it will happen stop getting upset" < FUCK OFF!! where as someone else will say "it will happen https://www.babyandbump.com/../images/smilies/eusa_pray.gif, think positive" < this said in a friendly hugging comforting way ...does that make sense? like telling me to try to stay positive believe that yes I do have a longer journey than others but I will get there. And a difference in the way people woudl say "stop stressing" & "try not to stress to much" I understood the second one but demanding me to be ok fullstop was annoying.

Hope that makes sense some things kind of meant the same thing but depending how it was said depended how I took it.

 

[Wobbles]

Someone said to me in an email the other day, after I told her that there is a strong possiblity with DH's latest sperm test that we could never have children, she said 'well you can always adopt like all the famous actresses'...I was FUMING...1. For NORMAL people adoption is a 5-7year process, 2. Its because they have money!!! 3. I want a baby with MY husband. How dare she!!! I haven't replied and i'm not going to...

Fuck if only you could have printed that out and rammed it down her throat to choke on!



Has to be one of the most inconsiderate comments people make if not number 1 on the list!

 

[polo_princess]

I agree with Wobbs hun, people who havent "walked the mile" tend not to know what to say, and its seems "just relax" is the easiest thing for them to say!!

God throughout my 2 years of trying there were times i wished i could of punched some people in the face, one woman said to me "oh you prob havent got your timing right" obviously she hadnt done much TTC'ing lol otherwise she'd know its like a military operation at times!!

Please try not to take things people say to heart too much or dwell on the hun

 

[buffycat]

omg - i am soo glad that i have found this thread.....FJL - thanks for getting the rant started!

firstly though - NeyNey - let me know what houses are for sale by you - i could do with a change of scenery!

Seriously though, i am sick to back teeth of the stupid comments that i get, and i've barely told anyone as well! I had a mc after a year of trying - absolutely gutted obviosuly, but since then i get little comments off my dad to sa 'oh soon enough you'll get lilttle patters of feet around the house' and my mum, (i swear i nearly puched her last week) - said 'don't worry, your time will come...'.....wtf?!?!

bloody winds me up, have been ttc for 18 months, and i feel crap 'cos i have arthritis for which i can't take meds for (as they interfere with ttc) - i can't win. Oh, and my best friend is pregnant with no.2 - she started trying the same time as me.......

 

[Mazmos]

They need f**king

They drive me nuts!!!!!!!!!

Maz xxx