Was I in the wrong? Opinions needed

[pandaspot]

Where do i start?

Well yesterday I rang my mum, she lives in Ireland I am in the uk, while on the phone she said "I haven't booked flights yet" I said for what. She said " to come over in June" she was originally on about staying with my bro at the end of June but that's fallen through, then she wanted him to go over but he made up excuses not to go and now by the looks she assumes she can stay at mine. I managed to put her off for 2 of the 4 days she wanted to stay.

Background on this might be helpful! We do not get on, or I should say I do not get on with her. She is rude, makes me extremely stressed, makes bitchy comments constantly, puts me down and basically makes me feel so low and depressed. Within 2 hours I feel like crying. But she can't see it, I have never said anything, just accepted that its all me, and I am at fault. Thanks to oh I know this is not the case. I am a good person, I know need to feel the anxiety etc she gives me.

So end of June I have her for 2 days. Then she is getting back from a holiday 10 th July and said "so I can be at yours on the 10th and don't have to leave till the 15th" I am due the 19th, last thing I need is the stress! And feeling like poo and depressed, as that's how I always feel when she is here.

I said well I don't really want anyone here, I would like to chill before the birth and not be stressed. She said" well I don't need entertaining etc" I said well I just want to relax, it's our first child. she will bring on labour with the stress.

I said" I don't want to be horrible but I need to relax again" she said " well you are being horrible" I said " well sorry you feel that way"

I suppose if she lived near then it wouldn't be so bad, she wouldn't have to stay and be here constantly. More background, she left my home when I was 17 and moved 3 hours away with her partner, I haven't actually lived with her since I was 16, I am now 33. I am an adult and about to start my own family.

To make matters worse as well, she is planning on moving back to the uk from Ireland to live near me. Our plans are to immigrate to oz in the next 5 years. She doesn't know this.

Am I being a total bitch? I seriously do not get on with her. I am so stessed over the conversation last night.

 

[iwantabub]

Nope totally totally in the right!

Your baby your birth your home and u have who ever u feel is comfortable...

My biggest hate is when people invite themselves over regardless of circumstance...

Your mum sounds like a bit of a cow... Sorry... My
Mum would never say your being horrible if I asked her not to do something...
Don't feel bad...

This is one of the biggest moment of your life and u can have whoever u want there...

Put it this way.. I'm close as with my mum... Like very close... If she told me she was coming to stay with me while I was stressed and huge and pg I would say no...
You live with your dh ... That's who your most comfy with and that's who u should have around when u need someone

 

[pandaspot]

Thanks so much for your reply

Yeah she is a cow, horrible thing to say I know, but that's the way I now feel. The stuff she said and did at Easter was awful. Like I one point I was talking to her, mid sentence she interrupted and said I am going for a smoke! I thought well no wonder I am so paranoid I bore people! Also my elder half brother, i call him a brother, and his gf had recently split up, he was nearly crying. She looked at me with a look of disgust and shook her head. Like he shouldn't act like that. I told her off for reacting like that. She later said he needs some back bone!

It's awful cause she doesn't realise what she is like or what she is doing. Me and my brother both feel the same. But since I have become pregnant she wants to stay here all the time etc. I understand she is become a grandma for the first time, but before I got pregnant I saw her once a year, which was fine by me. So far this year it's 3 times and its so so bad

I hope she understands that I need time to myself without the stress. Wouldn't be so bad if she stayed in a hotel! Also the room she would stay in is the babies room

 

[iwantabub]

Good luck with it all.. I'd stick to your guns... Don't give in to her behaviour coz u feel bad ... If she's a cow then she's a cow.. Some people are just like that... Look at it on the bright side...
You now know what not to act like when your bubs is your age hehehe

 

[pandaspot]

Yeah exactly! I will never be like her well I better not!! I hope to have a positive relationship with my son...thanks for your opinion on it all

 

[Mum2BKW]

I hope she understands that I need time to myself without the stress.

I doubt she will understand this - some people just lack any empathy. She probably sees only that you are putting her out by not allowing her to stay, therefore you are in the wrong. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to make her see differently

Sometimes you need to accept that people are the way they are, and work out thest best way for you to cope with that. It sounds to me like the last thing you need is having her stay with you - if the room she would stay in is now babies room just say that you don't have space any more! Send her details of some local B&B's and make it really clear that she can't stay with you. She will strop. That is HER problem.

 

[kaths101]

I would feel exactly the same! Could she stay in a b&b / hotel or do you not want her near you at all so close to giving birth?

 

[pandaspot]

Well there is a hotel literally just up the road from us, and it's cheap. Oh said it to her at Easter but she chose to have selective hearing at that comment lol!

She has said she is going to come over every weekend after the birth! Me and oh are like well we will move.

Babies room is large and there is a double bed in there.

We wanted her at Easter to bring up when she was coming here and we were going to talk to her then, but she never brought it up and it wasn't appropriate for us to do it as her plans kept changing.

It's awful she thinks we want her here all the time.

I am feeling less guilty/bad now I know it's not just me, and I haven't been a complete cow by saying no to her! First time I ever have.

Do you think I should tell her I am planning on immigrating as well? Oh concerned that she is getting rid of house in Ireland and moving local to me and our plans are leaving the country. She always knew I had a plan to move but I think she thought that had been stopped as oh close to his parents. But he also wants to leave country now too. I am currently studying an access to nursing, hopefully start uni next September so she must have an idea?!

Sorry for the huge posts

 

[pebbie1]

Oh hun, terrible situation to be in!
But, at the end of the day it's your house and your family and you decide who gets to stay or not.
And what if you go into labour early? You'll have her around when you're recovering from birth and the last thing you need is someone stressing you out. My dad came over 3 days after I had my daughter. I get along with him well, he didn't need entertainment, but it was the worst time of my life! I just wanted to sleep etc but couldn't as he was sat there. This time he said he'd book flights again straight after the baby is born. I told him no. I think he was a bit shocked, but hey ho, it's me, hubby, our daughter and the baby that count. Think he got used to the idea now.

So just stick up for yourself. No is no and she'll have to accept it. She might not like it, but then she's made decisions you didn't like, so she'll have to get over it, just like you had to.
Like you said, you're a grown up woman now and about to have your own family, so you make your own decisions.
Good luck with it. I'm sure it'll be fine but she needs a wake up call
X

 

[pebbie1]

Oh and yes, tell her about moving to Oz too. She might not want to leave Ireland then. Good on you for doing that. Am well jealous!!

 

[pandaspot]

Oh god I don't want her here straight after the birth either, tutting at me and critising me.

She said oh I don't need entertaining, like your dad I suppose, But that's not the point. There is still someone in your house you can't relax and just veg out/ sleep etc I can't decide I am going to watch a film she would hate. She is one of those people as well who can't sit quiet, she has to talk constantly, and most of it is rubbish. I sound nasty

I think we should tell her our plans about oz. she will return to the uk regardless as she moved with her partner to Ireland, he died a couple of years ago. So she has no ties out there now apart from work friends etc.

But maybe she wouldn't be in such a rush to get over here, but then I think maybe it would be better if she gets a house here so she wouldn't have to stay? Mind she said she expects us to stay the night when she gets a house over here! Haven't any idea why, would rather get a taxi home!

 

[_jellybean_]

Hi hon. I do think you should tell her you're moving to oz. so sorry you're having a hard time.

 

[Erinsmummy]

Your not in the wrong. You shouldn't feel pressured to have anyone around after you have just had a baby. It's a special time and you will feel sore, tired, overwhelmed and will want to enjoy your baby. Your moment. Have her round when your good and ready!

 

[alisha_t]

I hate having anyone stay in my house, no matter who it is. So, if I was that close to delivery, I would certainly say something. You could already be in labor by then or even having the baby at that time, which would make it that much worse for me and probably for you as well since she stresses you out so much. I would have done the same as you.