We aren't married - what to do about last name?

[loeylo]

This is probably a fairly common question, but what are the other unmarried mums doing about the last name situation?

Both of us have been keen to take our families advice on board this pregnancy. We are both from close families and we get on really well with each other's families, so there is no "in-law" pressure or anything, we just take advice and make our own decisions based on that, however we are getting conflicting advice on the name scenario.

My parents want her to take my name, since we aren't married. His parents want her to take his name, since that would be what was done if we were married. My partner thinks it should be his name as he intends for us to get married at some point.

I want to do double barrelled, but then her last name is 14 letters long (eeek!) plus it doesn't really solve the debate about what to do if we marry - I'd be happy to just take on the double barrelled name, but my partner isn't so keen on doing the same.

Also to add although we aren't married we have been together for just under 5 years, we own a house together and we pretty much live as a married couple in every form but on paper. We both want to get married and see the relationship as long term, so it isn't as if it is a casual relationship.

I'm not really looking of advice, I'm more just wondering what other ladies are doing.

 

[MummyToAmberx]

I gave my girls my surname, in my eyes if relationship broke down they are going to be with me most the time. I understand not everyone wants to think that way, but sadly things can change unexpectly.

We had been together 2yrs when #1 arrived and 4yrs when #2 arrived. We got married after being together for 8yrs, one of first things we did after our wedding was get our daughters names changed.

 

[bathbabe]

We were in the same situation. I refused to let my son have my partners last name when it was going to be me taking him to drs appointments, nursery, school etc. Neither of us would give in.
Hes double barrelled when we registered him the bloke said IF we were to ever get married we could just reregister him as my partners surname (id take his name also) and it would be easy because the name is already there. X

 

[loeylo]

Our situation is maybe slightly different as I will be working full time and my partner part time, so in actual fact it will be him who does most of the appointments etc - so that argument doesn't stand - and we have already discussed the eventuality of if we were to split and we have both stated we would want 50% custody each (our families live nearby so schooling and friendship groups wouldn't be a concern) - so none of those arguments really stand.

Tbh I don't know if I would take on my partners surname if we married anyway, I would probably suggest double barrelled regardless of if we have kids or not as I am slightly non-conformist in my view. I see marriage as starting a new family and not as me joining his, so I don't see why I should take his name. Sadly my partner is slightly more traditional - he is also the only male in his family to carry forward the family name so that is where the pressure is on his side (it's pretty important to his dad)

I guess we are just a bit stuck between tradition (all of us taking his name) and making our own way in life (double barrelled name, dad taking the biggest role in childcare)

I want my daughter to grow up appreciating that she comes from two parents who love her but also realising that she doesn't have to rely on a man, she should have strong ambitions of her own. Me giving her dad's name to her without any nod to my family almost seems to contradict that. Does that make sense?

 

[Penguin20]

I been with my partner for over 3 years and we live together and I'm giving our daughter his last name as I am intending on taking his name when we get married in the future

 

[Smile181c]

When I was expecting #1, me and OH weren't married but I wanted DS to have OH's surname. Although I am pretty traditional myself. He was also the only one who could carry his family name on (obviously now our son can). We're married now so the surname for this LO won't be an issue but thought I'd add my 2 cents as I've been there before. Hope you and your OH can come to a compromise

 

[became]

Our baby will have my partners last name, specially if it's a boy as he'd love to carry his name on. I don't mind, I've referred to baby as baby stokes since the day we found out my daughter has my last name, but that's because me and her dad weren't together throughout my pregnancy, he wasn't at the birth either. X

 

[o0oCharlieo0o]

When i had my daughter (my 3rd baby but 1st with my fiance) i gave her my fiances surname, we wasn't engaged at the time but he is her dad and he will always be her dad so whether i was marrying him or not i felt it right that she had his surname, when i do marry him me and my daughter will have the same surname with my first two babies, my boys, i was married to my now ex husband and so we all had the same name, but obviously when we got divorced i took back my maiden name and so i have no children with the same surname as me, but what is a name?mthey are my children i birthed them and i raised them, i admit at first when i got divorced i was upset that my boys had a different surname to me but they have their dads surname who no mater now me and him didnt get on he adores his kids, if he wasnt there for his kids maybe i would feel different about it but if you know your partner is and always will be a good daddy to your child then let them have his name is what i say

 

[AJae]

he is having my OH's surname.It is important to him to carry the name on, plus my name is not the name i was given at birth as i changed it by deed poll (my child may hate their name or identify as someone else and do the same in later life, who knows!)

if I ever marry my OH (we have been together 9 years just not 'into' marriage, i am with him because i want to be, not because i have to be) i will take his last name so we are a complete unit but i am not fussed. family is more than just a name.

plus if i let him take the surname with our LO i get to (heavily suggest) pick the first name.......*cunning plan*

 

[chezababy]

My dd has my partners surname and so will this baby. I've never had any problems with doctors appointments etc. In fact I think most places are use to children having a different surname because I normally get asked for my name and my dd or get referred to as Lexie's mum. I do plan on taking my partners surname when we eventually marry.

 

[Jessicahide]

I gave my boys their dads name and now I have it too,wouldn't have liked to change their names!

 

[carebear1981]

I'm married right now but I just wanted to comment because my mother gave me her last name when I was born. She married my dad when I was five and legally changed my last name then. It was very confusing for a 5 year old who's name suddenly changed when she was in Kindergarten.
Just wanted to drop that in there to help your decision too. If that helps

 

[icklemonster]

You could do what one of my friend's did and change your name by deedpoll so you all have the same name even before a wedding. If the intention is to marry, and you've already made the biggest commitment of falling pregnant I think it's a great idea. It's actually her hen do this weekend, and her wedding in a few weeks, so she won't change the surname she has already held for 3 years xx

 

[SweetV]

DS has his fathers name and we had been together for 2 years when he was born. We are now married and this lo will take his fathers name as well as it is now my name too.
I agree that it would be confusing to have to change a childs name when they are younger.
You could use a last name as a middle name or just hyphenate it. That way everybody is happy.

 

[charliekay]

My son has his dad's name and this lil one will be taking his name too. Simply because when we do marry we will all have the same name and I had my dad's name since birth so it's just always been the way in both our family's. X

 

[m nonie]

We're due to get married next year so to me it was important that the kids have the same name as their dad, I didn't fancy all the issues with name changes for us all after the wedding . DD will have the same name, I talked to my dad before deciding for sure but he was determined that he didn't mind (there's only girls that carry the surname so it meant our surname stopping).

That and DH is pretty old fashioned so for him they needed his surname.

 

[flamingpanda]

She has my partner's name, and this one will too. The intention is always that we will marry, we just didn't want to delay our family whilst we saved for a wedding. We've been together 7 years, we own a house together - we are as married as you can be without the papers to prove it. Giving her my name would have created more work in the future. Plus if anything were to happen (it won't) but if it did, she is still a part of him too.

It's odd because when we were discussing starting a family one of the big sticking points for him was "but I want the baby to have my name". Once I assured him I did too he was quite relaxed about the whole thing. It really doesn't bother me and at least our kids won't have to spend their life going "do you want me to spell that?" after telling people their name, as I've had to do my whole life!

 

[IsabellaJayne]

I gave my DD her Dads last name. I will give this baby his last name also. Just seems the norm here. Plus his last name is nicer than mine. I have no intentions to get married and it doesn't bother me that they won't share my last name.

 

[oneill614]

I have been with my bf for less than a year but am still giving the baby his last name. He is adopted but his family name is more meaningful to him, and we are giving the baby my mom's maiden name as a middle name (I am closer to my mom's side), so that way he will really have both of our family names. If my bf and I break up down the road, I may or may not change the last name. Depends on how involved he remained in the child's life.

 

[loeylo]

Interesting to see that I'm in the minority here! In my mind there is no doubt I will stay with my oh, we are a really good match for one another and I don't foresee any issues arising in the future.

I also never want to have to change her name, IMO a name is a really important part of your identity so changing her name seems a bit cruel (purely in my opinion!)

We are the first couple to have a child out of wedlock in either of our families (even in extended families! Fairly unusual in this day and age!) so the issue hasn't come up before.

I don't see the point in changing my name to my partners name. If that was the case we would just have a cheap wedding, plus then I would probably never get a real wedding if I went for either of those options so I best not suggest that ...

I think I am going to insist on double barrelled - I don't want to give up my name regardless (my name is pretty badass - not posting on here for privacy but it has superhero connotations :wink: ) plus it sounds pretty cool when put after my boyfriends long traditional surname.