We aren't married - what to do about last name?

[AP]

I gave DD my name, (which I didnt originally intend) and eventually we got married, making it a very special day for the three of us. We married while she was still a baby. Her birth certificate was changed and now there is actually no evidence of her being born with my birth surname unless someone obtains my copy. Very easy process.

 

[Septie]

Oh and I have been married for a loooong time (10+ years), but my sons still have my name (I kept my maiden name). One objective argument in favor was that his name is always misspelled...very inconvenient. Oh's parents still don't really know thankfully.

 

[mummy2o]

My son and has his dad's surname and I came across one issue in my whole 8 years with it. Well 2 if you count his current school calling me Mrs Collins But the only serious issue was in the Netherlands, when I was trying to return home with my son after a holiday. They looked at our passports (clearly with two different surnames) and asking me what relation he was to me, and rather suspiciously looked at me. Eventually they let me through.

DD has her dads surname and so does her angel brother, eventually this one will also. We do plan on marrying at some point though. But I guess tradition for me real, plus Anderson is already a long surname!

 

[Indi84]

Ooh I dunno, I think I'd give the baby my partners surname in that case, if you were planning on taking it when you're married.
I adore my little family all having the last name. I'd probably go get married quickly and then plan a massive 'wedding' down the line, but then I love weddings lol

 

[klsltsp]

My kids have their father's last name, and I put my last name as a middle name. That way it wasn't hypenated since I really didn't want to put them through that but my name is part of their name as well.

Good luck.

 

[tallybee]

I have no idea what we are doing yet, we haven't even had the opportunity to open that subject. I am happy to give LO OH's surname, well I am ok with it for his sake. I already have two with my surname which is the one I chose in memory of my mum (it's her maiden name). But this will be OH's only child, most likely - we are together for the long term, might get married at some point (long way off yet), neither of us want to go off with anyone else anyway!! and with how tough this pregnancy is turning out there's no way I will do it again. So yeah. I don't usually like double barrelled names but ours go together nicely, so that's an option but I will basically go with OH's wishes on this one x

 

[LulaBug]

The baby is having OH's last name. We plan to get married at some point but even if we weren't, it's more traditional anyways.

 

[jessmke]

We have had some pretty big arguments on this subject! We are not married, but we are engaged and will be marrying the summer after the baby is born. I will not be taking his surname when we marry. He is a little upset by this, but I am also pretty non-traditional and don't even particularly care about getting married, but it's important to him so we will be doing it. We are going to give the baby my surname as it's middle name, and then my OH's surname as it's surname. We had many, many long discussions (read: fights) about it, the only thing we could both agree on was that we did not want double barrelled (our surnames DO NOT go well together at all, it would almost be cruel to do that to a child). We even considered combining our last names to create an entirely new surname, and then all three of us would have the new combined last name, but that seemed like a huge production, and then we end up with a last name with no history or lineage. In the end someone had to give, and since I was basically just holding out to be stubborn and not because I feel particularly attached to my surname, I decided to give him this one. One thing he said to me when we had many of our discussions is that I will be the one to carry the baby, nurse the baby, and basically be the most important person in the baby's life for at least the first few years, and he wants to feel like he is important and needed as well. If giving the baby his last name makes him feel more included, then I can do that for him.

 

[Mississippi03]

To me keeping my last name when married didnt matter, but i knew dh wanted me to have his last name.. So much to everyone elses surprise, i took his out of respect for his wishes. His last name is ridiculous to pronounce but i was ok with that. I did it for him.

So we are married now when having a baby, all of our babes will have his last name. I know what this means to him espec because we are having a boy and he has two lesbian sisters! No biggie. But i would have given his last name regardless of if we were married. Hes very involved and even if we didnt work, he would always be involved. Even if i opted to hypenate my name when married, kids were still only getting his.

I think you need to ask yourself if you would take his last name when married? If not, why? And are you just saying double to be stubborn? Does this mean more to him then you, if so can you compromise?

In my experience, all of my friends with hypenated names only go by one of them anyway. And in all cases, its whichever one came second, which was always the fathers. So the double barrell is only on legal ocuments.

 

[Spudtastic]

Hi. Interesting thread....so I'd thought I'd add to it with a couple of scenarios.
My husband and I have been married for nearly ten years and DD is 2 years old. I have kept my surname and haven't changed it at all. I would have liked DD to have my surname but DD is the only grandchild for my husbands parents. His brother will not be having any children so I felt that since my parents have three male grandchildren to carry on their name it was only fair that my husbands family have someone to carry on their name too. So I gave DD my surname as a middle name and her dad's surname as a surname. No hyphens.

My husbands cousin also didn't change her surname when they got married and she agreed with her husband that if they had daughters they would take the mums surname and if they had sons they would take the dads. However, I think it would be strange for a brother and sister with the same parents to have different surnames. They had two girls which made things easier.

Good luck.

 

[craquinette]

My husbands cousin also didn't change her surname when they got married and she agreed with her husband that if they had daughters they would take the mums surname and if they had sons they would take the dads. However, I think it would be strange for a brother and sister with the same parents to have different surnames. They had two girls which made things easier.

Good luck.

Wow, that's interesting. In some countries, you're not allowed to do this. I'm in Australia, and when a couple has their first child, they can decide which last name to use, but any subsequent children (having the same parents - that doesn't apply if the parents split up and have kids with other partners) will have the same name. I think that makes sense, it would be weird for siblings with the same parents not to have the same name...

Now to answer the initial question: for me, there was no question, baby will have my partner's last name. I was even surprised when my partner asked me if I would be ok to give baby his last name, as for me it wasn't something I even considered not doing.
My parents were married when I was born but then divorced. My mom took her maiden name back, so I grew up with my dad's last name, but living with my mom. That was never an issue for me at all. I actually think it's a good thing, because even if I didn't live with my dad, at least we still had that connection.

And as a previous poster said, I think it's important for the partner to have at least that. I mean, the whole process of pregnancy is foreign to them, they can't do much but just wait for baby to be ready. Then when baby's here, usually the mom is the primary carer (especially if breastfeeding, and because she usually has a longer time at home with baby before returning to work). With all that, the dad can feel left out a bit. Giving his last name is probably something that shows he matters, that he's part of it all and not just a spectator.

We're the ones giving birth, I think it's fair to let the dad give their name...

 

[bitethebullet]

I have friends who have had their baby take the mother's name and others who have used the father's name. I think it really is something to decide between the two of you and you shouldn't feel pressurised by parents on either side. I'm personally not keen on double barreling the surname but it's always an option.

 

[mommie2be]

My 3 year old has my last name & so will this LO.
OH & I are engaged and we do plan to get married after this baby is born but I don't even plan on changing my last name when we get married... OH doesn't mind having a different last name than his kids bc he says "they're mine no matter what their names are". Plus he has the last name of his moms ex husband that he hasn't seen or spoken to in 15 years so he isn't concerned with carrying on a family name...

 

[kuntrykutie]

This is probably a fairly common question, but what are the other unmarried mums doing about the last name situation?

Both of us have been keen to take our families advice on board this pregnancy. We are both from close families and we get on really well with each other's families, so there is no "in-law" pressure or anything, we just take advice and make our own decisions based on that, however we are getting conflicting advice on the name scenario.

My parents want her to take my name, since we aren't married. His parents want her to take his name, since that would be what was done if we were married. My partner thinks it should be his name as he intends for us to get married at some point.

I want to do double barrelled, but then her last name is 14 letters long (eeek!) plus it doesn't really solve the debate about what to do if we marry - I'd be happy to just take on the double barrelled name, but my partner isn't so keen on doing the same.

Also to add although we aren't married we have been together for just under 5 years, we own a house together and we pretty much live as a married couple in every form but on paper. We both want to get married and see the relationship as long term, so it isn't as if it is a casual relationship.

I'm not really looking of advice, I'm more just wondering what other ladies are doing.

Me and my fiance have a daughter and one on the way, and right now our daughter has his last name and the newest member of the family will have his last name as well.

 

[BethMaassen]

I guess it all depends. My little sister who had her first 2 babes before marrying, and the one after, all have my sisters last name. She too still has her maiden last name. She and her husband hate his last name, so they are avoiding it. That's one thing.
My one friend who has 7 babes (3 different fathers) They all have their own father's last name.
I personally would give the baby the father's last name.

 

[lozzy21]

I had the same circumstances as you when we had our first, she took his last name. We're now married so it doesn't matter anymore.

 

[loeylo]

I guess where I maybe differ is that I don't know if I would take his name anyway.

 

[Mississippi03]

I guess where I maybe differ is that I don't know if I would take his name anyway.

But could you compromise and give baby his last name.. And whether you keep yur own, hyphenate, or change yours is up to you later

 

[loeylo]

I guess where I maybe differ is that I don't know if I would take his name anyway.

But could you compromise and give baby his last name.. And whether you keep yur own, hyphenate, or change yours is up to you later

I could yes, but I don't really want to. Our baby is part of both of our families and I would like her name to reflect that. If that makes sense? It's just the whole concept of taking the mans name I disagree with.

 

[Tasha]

I think it's pretty obvious that you should hyphenate

With my first we weren't married and I gave him my (now) husbands surname as well that was the done thing and I didn't think anything more of it tbh. I regret it now, I still (married almost eleven years) don't feel like this is my surname. I wish we had hyphenated, I would change my surname and the kids to my maiden name in a heart beat if I could, DH agreed but my girls born sleeping have his surname and I'd hate to lose that connection.