We had the talk

[LittleBoSheep]

WARNING: this is going to be really long

DH and I sat down today to have a very important conversation. DH is 25 and I am 22 we've been together since he was 19 and I was 16 so almost 7 years been married for almost 4. We have 1 child DS is almost 1 and today we talked about if we want to have any more children - we both said no! I was thinking about essure, mixed with possibly also my husband getting a vasectomy so that it would be nearly impossible to conceive.

My husband and I just do not want more kids as we have been out off having any more from all of the hardships since becoming pregnant with DS - I was extremely sick the entire pregnancy hurt so bad I couldn't stand it was stressed beyond all possible stress and became preeclamptic I look forward to that never happening again! I was induced at 37 weeks for it! Then in the hospital with LO I was sick, afraid, had no help and had this tiny defenseless child to take care of and I had no idea what to do! I tried to breastfeed but I was so sick that even after my milk "came in" he couldn't latch and I couldn't even pump but drops so pretty much cried and screamed to go to the store because LO was starving and crying which he lost an entire pound!!! not to mention having chronic diarrhea postpartum I JUST recently started pooping somewhat regular but certain factors have me in the bathroom!!!
LO has had so many problems and illnesses and has had a really hard time of it and I have been so scared for him that I will be in tears I have so much anxiety (something which has gotten worse since having LO) and I have been so anxious about everything especially feeding LO table foods so far since I had to use the Heimlich maneuver on him while eating a gerber yogurt bite which is supposed to just melt in his mouth (uh it didnt) and got lodged in his throat and I watched in horror while my child silently choked now I cant barely feed him anything!!! I am so scared I cry even thinking about it I want to hide in a hole until he can eat like an adult!!!! Plus my LO is seriously a high demands baby he wants what he wants when he wants it or its screaming and crying and sometimes he just screams all day long and I can never get any help!!!! I have to beg DH for 5 minutes just 5!!! and usually that is interrupted!
I can never get anything done sometimes I dont even get to eat, shower, brush my teeth, drink anything and I realise an entire day has almost passed without eating because I have been catering to LO's every demand he cant be left alone for one second without breaking into hysterics. I never had time to recover from LO's birth I had a tear and I didnt even get to use sitz bath!!! I had no help and it has been so hard I still ache all over my body and I am still 50 pounds over my target weight I barely eat and when I do its quick junk - I am irritable from listening to whining all day long and I practically am in a bad mood constantly and I can't wait to get out of the rut! don't get me wrong I love LO and he is my life the reason for me living, but he is such hard work and I just don't want to have to do it again. I would personally never abort/give up a child so if I was to fall pregnant I would cry so hard and be so upset its something I know I just do not want again. I'm not sure if anyone can relate or not but so many things have just put me off completely! plus with essure it would be nice to be off hormonal birth control as I feel like a whole new person when I am off of it! and I could breathe easier knowing I couldn't get pregnant and I wouldn't have to have surgery just a quick 10 minute procedure! * not sure about the vasectomy for DH he suggested it, too * but yeah I think I am more of the grandmotherly type spoil them and watch them for just long enough that I can stand then give them back!!!

 

[socitycourty]

oh dear i feel you, i had a rough prgenancy, c section emergency, bf problems, ppd and etc. don't think i can do this again.

 

[LittleBoSheep]

oh dear i feel you, i had a rough prgenancy, c section emergency, bf problems, ppd and etc. don't think i can do this again.

I feel the exact same way and I don't want to do it again!!! thinking about it even stresses me out I get phantom kicks constantly (havent worked out since the birth as I have no time) but it really scares me I know I'm not pregnant but I dont want to be so bad that even gas pangs set my hear racing.

 

[socitycourty]

i get phantom kicks too, they are very weird. after being pregnant and having surgery i am very anxous over my body now too

 

[whatwillbe]

I can soo relate to what you've said, I have days where I hardly have time to eat, wash or anything and it is a lot of hard work, even though we love our lo's, but your lo is still very young, and it will get easier, I felt like I didn't want any more kids after I had my daughter because she was that demanding but I've now had my fourth baby , also every baby is different , my 2 sons were such easy, content babies, not trying to persuade you to have more but you are really young still , have you thought about the implant or the coil ? X

 

[Indi84]

Aww *hugs* I've had a totally different experience baby wise, but did have the horrible pregnancy, I'm going to have another one but being pregnant again fills me with dread, sickness the whole time, spd, severe swelling, chronic acid reflux. I slept better with a newborn baby!
You really need to get your husband to help more, hand him the baby and go out, dinner with friends, cinema, or just a family members for a nap. My dh does 50% care when he's home from work, I'd struggle without that help and my lo is fairly laid back.

 

[kat2504]

Mirena coil might be a better option than a vasectomy at your age. He is very young for sterilization at 25. A mirena coil would last 5 years and then he could go for the snip if you haven't changed your minds? If you are against hormonal b/c then there is the copper coil which actually lasts 10 years. I think permanent sterilization is probably a better option for people in their mid 30s onwards who are done with babies. Of course if your husband wants the snip then he is free to go ahead with it regardless of his age but i imagine docs will not be keen.

Sorry you are having such a rough time at the moment.

 

[eulmh82]

Can you get any help? Even if you just give him to a grandparent for 2 hrs for a bath and a sleep? But if that's the way you feel then that's entirely your choice and it;s good you've had the discussion. I hope it all works out for you xx

 

[susannah14]

I had a great pregnancy and I have a low-stress, well-behaved baby, but I STILL don't want to do this again. I totally understand how you feel. Nothing wrong with only having one kid. There's too much pressure in this society to have kids.

 

[jd83]

Mirena coil might be a better option than a vasectomy at your age. He is very young for sterilization at 25. A mirena coil would last 5 years and then he could go for the snip if you haven't changed your minds? If you are against hormonal b/c then there is the copper coil which actually lasts 10 years. I think permanent sterilization is probably a better option for people in their mid 30s onwards who are done with babies. Of course if your husband wants the snip then he is free to go ahead with it regardless of his age but i imagine docs will not be keen.

Sorry you are having such a rough time at the moment.

Agree. As horrible as the whole pregnancy sounds, and the hardships you had with labor and post partum, there is just no way to know how you will feel further down the line. If it were me, I would probably do an IUD or something that lasts several years, and then see how we felt about things at that point. If feelings haven't changed, then maybe see about sterilization. But honestly, 22 and 25 is soooo young to make such a permanent decision that you may end up changing your minds about in a few years.

I hated pregnancy too, had horrible back pain the entire time, as well as terrible anxiety from having two miscarriages. But I wanted more than one child, so I went through it again. In all honesty, every pregnancy can be completely different, just like every baby is completely different.

ETA: I hope it doesn't come off like I am discounting how you feel about this subject, as you both have obviously thought a lot about this and have discussed it. Just wanted to add some perspective from someone a few years older than you that you MAY possibly change your minds in a few years, so just keep that in mind

 

[mellyboo]

The IUD is a fabulous thought but i got pregnant with Jords on the IUD it fell out and i never even noticed... :S tooo weird.


I dont trust the thing now... I was watching teen mom the other day and one of the girl's fell out too


Were planing on the one baby Jordyn will be our one and only!!

 

[LittleBoSheep]

Yes I know I am young but I really do not want to go through this again - if we ever did change our minds which I am sure we wouldn't there is always adoption of a child(not a baby) that is a option! We have a 2 bedroom house so there is no room for more and I do not in any way want to be pregnant again as I had a ton more problem than I even listed! It was hard. I also dont want something that may fail I am seriously considering us both being 100% sterile!! so no accidents!

 

[LeoLeah77]

You are only 22. In 5, even 10 years time you could completely change your mind. I'd really, really think about this before you go ahead with it. Every baby is different, you could have another and the baby could be a lot more content. I wouldn't go for surgery so young but that's just me. It's totally your decision but you could completely regret it.

 

[Feronia]

I just want to say that I understand where you're coming from. DH is 25 as well and we're actually scheduled to go to a vasectomy consultation today. If you both feel that having 1 is the right choice for you, there's no reason not to look at more permanent options!

 

[weejenb]

Yes I know I am young but I really do not want to go through this again - if we ever did change our minds which I am sure we wouldn't there is always adoption of a child(not a baby) that is a option! We have a 2 bedroom house so there is no room for more and I do not in any way want to be pregnant again as I had a ton more problem than I even listed! It was hard. I also dont want something that may fail I am seriously considering us both being 100% sterile!! so no accidents!

You might have a problem finding a willing doctor to perform sterilisation on either one of you, as you are both so young, and as you both still only have one child. And not to scare you, but even sterilisation isn't 100% effective - its your best chance to not get pregnant for sure, but the only way to be completely 100% sure is to sadly not have sexual contact! I echo the other ladies who suggest a coil, its probably going to be your best and most likely option.

 

[socitycourty]

Why is it that if people say they're one and done other people keep trying to persuade them otherwise? the world is overpopulated anyway, why urge people to have children just in case they might regret not doing it?

 

[aliss]

I have 2 but my 1st was like this and I can totally understand! But I agree that I doubt a doctor will be willing at your age. But there's no harm in a consultation, right?

 

[socitycourty]

Doctors at least here in the US usually don't hold off vasectomy for a man's age....they do regarding women though. My doctor refused to tie my tubes after my c section which I found very sexist in a way that I couldn't really define.

 

[aliss]

Oh really?? My OH is 34 and they are only now willing to talk to us (but I'm still too young at 29, even though I'm 100% sure and ready to go under the knife at a moment's notice!!!)

 

[veganmama]

ommmmmggg. as much as i want to experience a happy calm baby i cant risk having another high needs baby! its too draining!!! i totally understand you!!