What about the mom's that run away?

[DadAgain]

So the mother of my beautiful 3 week old girl stopped talking to me about the 2nd month of pregnancy. The week before she quit talking to me, we were making out the guest list for our wedding. During the entire pregnancy, I saw her 4 times and talked to her on the phone twice. We traded a few text messages, but hers were always short. She passed all information about the baby through her dad, with the exception of some emails of the ultrasound pics.
She let me be there throughout the entire labor and delivery. I stayed with her through her hospital stay, and then at her house with her and our baby for 10 days after. Our baby even has my last name. She has told me that she loves me 4 times, but only in response to me telling her. While I was at her house, I cooked her meals. I took the baby so she could get some sleep. I made sure to take out the garbage and wash the baby's clothes. She seems so adamant about not having a relationship with me right now. She said she needs more time. I have been completely faithful to her, and I know she hasn't seen anyone during this time. She really immersed herself into work during the time she was pregnant.
I guess the question I have for everybody out there is: Do you think she may still have some feelings in there for me and is just trying to work out her new reality, or does she really want to be a single mom and raise our daughter on her own with me being a weekend father since we live a hundred miles apart? I could chalk up the attitude and distance throughout the pregnancy to hormones, and this being an unplanned pregnancy. I can chalk it up to her being afraid of the future.
Can anybody give me any advice? I know I left out a bunch of stuff, so if there is a question, please ask before passing judgment. We did not have a fight before she quit talking to me, and I'm not an alcoholic or an abuser. Just a good man that made a huge life change to settle down and be a husband and a father....

 

[jocelynmarie]

Thats a tough one hon.

I know in my situation it was because I realized I did not love the father of my baby, and I called off the engagement as it was the right thing for all of us. I did this before finding out I was expecting though.

Getting pregnant and having a baby is life altering for both sides. It could be that she needed/needs time to figure out what her true emotions are.

I think its very important that you sit her down and ask her what she wants your role to be. I can appreciate the fathers sometimes get the short end of the stick... I know that the father of my baby will be, but there's not much I can do about it!

Good luck!! I hope everything works out for the best! Sorry I'm not really much of a help!

 

[DadAgain]

Thank you for your reply. I don't think it was a case of her not thinking I was right or her not wanting to get married at the time. She made it a point to make sure that I got her engagement ring and wedding band sized for her finger the way it was. She even went so far as to say if her fingers swelled during the pregnancy, she would just have to deal with a tight ring on her finger.
We have done things a few things as a family that felt perfect to me, such as family pictures with the newborn. But then I go back to my house, and she answers my texts with minimal response. I haven't even tried to call because I know she might be catching a nap while the baby is sleeping and I don't want to wake her.

 

[chels24uk]

has she always been minimal in text message responses? I know plenty of people like that. If your worried, i really do suggest you sit down with her when the baby is asleep and have a serious conversation. Let her know your feeling this way and find out how she is feeling. If it does turn out that she wants to be single, then its not fair to be dragging you along like this. But it could all turn out to be a misunderstanding. Good luck hun xx

 

[lal]

My FOB is like this, with short replies at times and others wants us to go out and about like we're a family...I also think you should talk to her, just so you both have clear expectations of what is going on and what you each want for the future. You will be miserable as long as you aren't sure what she is thinking, may as well get it over with if it is not what you want to hear and not keep wondering. She may change her mind, she may not be sure what she wants, but I know it makes me extremely confused with FOB acting like that, I'd rather know he didn't want to be with me than not be sure.

 

[DadAgain]

Thank you for your replies. I've tried talking to her, but not really pushing the subject. I've been told by many friends that since this is her first baby, she's in her early 30's, and she's a career woman, that she may be very confused and just trying to figure out what she wants for her life. The baby was not planned for, but only because she didn't think she could get pregnant. We made the conscious decision to not prevent one together. It wasn't a drunken night one time event that created our beautiful baby. But since she didn't think she could get pregnant, it shocked her. So my friends have advised me to give her time.
The one time I did get her to talk a little, she said she needed time. I will admit, being around her over the past 3 weeks has been great. We get along just fine. Just without any relationship pretenses. But lack of affection is also something I've heard that is somewhat normal.

Am I off base in my thinking? I really don't want to be a weekend dad. It wasn't our plan when we made our baby.

 

[littlekitten8]

Keep trying hun. After James was first born I had real problems being affectionate with FOB because I was so totally wrapped up in this tiny little life that we had created. It only lasted a few weeks and to be fair he wasn't around much anyway. Could be the same for her.

 

[DadAgain]

Thank you for the encouragement. I'm planning on giving her a little space. It really sucks, because I miss my daughter, but I think I'm going to leave them alone this weekend. When I'm around them, I just try to be the best father and supportive partner I can be. I'm hoping she sees that. I'm hoping when I'm not around, she misses me and wants me to be around.
I've been told she is in her 'safety zone'. Staying by herself in her house with our daughter and her pets. She talks to her dad many times during the day. He keeps me in the loop.
I guess I'll keep doing what I'm doing. Does anybody else out there have any experience in what I'm going through? I really don't know what else to do.

 

[purpledahlia]

I agree with the other ladies, keep trying but dont smother her. If you get in touch with her ask how the baby is not about your relationship, if its time she needs you will find out soon enough i think!

 

[DadAgain]

Thank you for the advice.

That's about where I'm at right now. I haven't talked about the relationship in a few months now. I have told her I loved her a few times since the baby was born. I have been there every weekend since the baby was born, so I'm giving her a break this weekend. I haven't heard from her since yesterday morning, and I haven't tried to contact her either. So I'll just take it easy and see what happens. I'm planning on going there next weekend, but not all weekend. We'll see how it goes.

Your advice has been invaluable. I've waited this long. I'm not going anywhere yet. I'm hoping at some point, she at least has the courtesy to let me know what's going on instead of treating me like I could fall off the earth, and it wouldn't matter.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

could she have postpartum depression and be saying shes busy/stressed/etc? For many women its hard to admit they have it.

If she keeps blowing you off, you need to get to a court and get visitations AT LEAST set up because even though SHE may not feel like seeing/dating/being with you- its about your child!

 

[DadAgain]

She has actually been pretty good about letting me see our baby. I stay at her house when I'm in town. Sleep in the guest room. If I'm in the living room with the baby, she stays in her room, and if she's in the living room with the baby, I'll gauge her mood and go in the guest room if I think she wants space, or go to the store to buy groceries, etc.

 

[DadAgain]

So six weeks post partum, and she wants nothing to do with me. She won't even look at me. I just don't understand it because we decided to make this beautiful little girl together. She complained to me how hard it was doing this alone. I told her I haven't gone anywhere. She still doesn't want me around

So how do I stay involved and be a dad when she doesn't want me around? I want to be a good father to my little girl, but she makes it difficult when she doesn't tell me if she's going to be around on weekends or not. I live 2 hours away and want to spend every waking moment with my little girl.

I just don't understand how she can fall out of love with me while she was pregnant with our daughter and didn't want me around. We barely had any contact. I tried all the time, and she didn't reciprocate. I love this woman completely.

 

[miss cakes]

goin on your previous post id say she probably dosent feel comfortable with you staying at her place i know i wouldnt like to feel like ive got to leave the room in my own home think you need to try and sort out a day when you can take the baby out yourself so you dont have to be in the same room or house together its probably just too much for her

 

[DadAgain]

This time I have been in town, I haven't been staying there with her. In fact, she just started going to work again. It seems she grows further and further away from me everyday. It's so sad when I look at my little girls face knowing that her mom chose to be a single mother....

 

[midwestbelle]

 

[Vixen_17]

Us careerwomen can get a little controlling at times and have to prove to ourselves and to the world that we can do everything and that we can do it as well as the next family!

It could be that she is still trying to find her balance in her life. Personally it seems like she no longer wants a relationship with you and it may be this that is causing her to feel uncomfortable as I'm sure she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. It seems like she's just saying what she thinks you want to hear when she says she loves you. Maybe in her own way she does still love you but not in a way that would lead to a relationship.

However, it is important that she allows you to see your daughter. Can you arrange to take your daughter out for a couple of hours without her? It would be good if you could accept that she is moving on with her life and that although you will have a relationship with your daughter it seems that there is no real relationship left between you and her mother.

Sorry if that sounds harsh

 

[Newdreemz]

If she is pushing you away, there is only so much one person can take. I understand that she just had baby, and she may be dealing with stress, depression, and so many other things but truth is she may just not want or need you anymore for whatever reason.

Being that she seems to be uncomfortable with you around, and that she most likely is moving on then you have to take necessary steps for your child to keep the peace between you two.

1. Make sure you file for a paternity test. Make sure this child is YOURS. If it is, she should have no issue with this.
2. Go to court, file for visitation rights.

Just keep your head up.

 

[DadAgain]

Thank you ladies. I believe you are all correct. I think she is just bound and determined to be a career woman and a single mother. I have no idea why this is. We were planning the wedding before she got pregnant. Then she just drifted away from me throughout the pregnancy and got closer to her father. She didn't even tell me she felt the baby kick until I finally got her to talk to me 3 weeks later!

I guess I'm just not competition enough against her job and her father. It's so sad because I can give her and our child so much love and such a good life....
As it stands now, I'm going to be a limited dad because I live a few hours away. That sucks! It was never supposed to be this way.

I wish there were something I could blame it on.... Infidelity, alcohol, drugs, abuse, etc..... SOMETHING! But there was never any of that. Hell has a special place for dads that treat their significant others bad while they're with child. I held on this long because I had hoped it was the nerves and the pregnancy...

Now I guess I just have to come to the realization that she doesn't want me anymore.

Thank you again ladies for all your good advice.

Does anyone have any good advice on how I can be a good every-other-weekend-dad to a newborn?