What do I do???

[ready4num2]

Ill make this short as possible. I posted a while back in another forum on this site about the situation with my MIL, some of you might remember. So for the longggg post I'm just so upset.

So pretty much my MIL just does not like me. I've never have done anything to make her not. My now DH and her were super close so I always made sure when we'd go out to say 'hey invite your mom!' Once we became engaged she just started pretty much ignoring me and my DD(from a previous relationship). I've confronted her a few times nicely but it hasn't worked.

We just got married last month she shows up to the rehearsal and says hi to everyone but me. The next morning before the wedding were eating breakfast at the hotel she walks down grabs a plate of food sits across from DH talks to him and completely acts as if DD and I aren't there. She's done so much more but I'd have to write a novel to get it all out!

So yesterday DH and I have a little 'gender reveal' party for our close friends and family and honestly deep down I didn't want her to be there, just being around her gives me instant anxiety. Whatever she comes because I know that's DHs mom and I can't be like that and I'm not that type of person. She was there says hi to almost everyone but doesn't at all to me and of course not DD. I was so hurt I ran inside to gather some stuff to bring out and just cried! I couldn't help it. DH came in He's upset about the whole thing too, we use to argue about it but were over that thankfully.

Later at the party we reveal the gender in front of all, everyone stood to take pics and videos she didn't. Her own brother yelled at her to get up that's her son. So she did. Everyone came up hugged and congratulated us! She didn't to me of course but not even to DH!

DH knew how upset I was tried talking to her. When it came time to say goodbye she said bye to everyone with happiness and mustered up a low tones goodbye to me, only because DH said something.

I'm on the verge of just not including her in anything else! We've tried so many times made her feel welcome. I just can't do this forever! It gives me anxiety and honestly it ruins the mood of anything because I get upset and my family and so can DHs see it. My DD is 7 and aware she asks time to time 'why doesnt she like me?' I cant handle DD feeling that way. Am I wrong to just not include her anymore? I've said it so many times before but still have said no no it's his mom she has to come. I just wish it wasn't this way.

 

[Lau88]

Honestly i wouldn't include her. You've tried you cant do more than that. Its one thing to act that way towards you but to a 7 year old shows her true character. She will completely try to over rule u after birth so u need dh on side with this.

 

[ready4num2]

Honestly i wouldn't include her. You've tried you cant do more than that. Its one thing to act that way towards you but to a 7 year old shows her true character. She will completely try to over rule u after birth so u need dh on side with this.

I agree. I have tried its just not me to be mean to someone that's why I had tried and tried. I wanted everyone to be happy! DH is completely on my side and willing to do what we have to. He's just as upset and disappointed.

 

[Lau88]

Maybe if he says to her she wont be of a role in los life until she shows some respect it will shock her into realising what she may lose.

 

[Yo_Yo]

What a total biatch!!
There's no way such a passive agressive person would be allowed to continually hurt my feelings, family or not-you do not deserve that.

She is deliberately trying to upset you, and your oh needs to step in and put her in her place.

 

[ready4num2]

She does do it on purpose to get to me...and it works. DH has I don't think he's said like hey that was the last straw, but I had a few months ago I expressed how I felt and she didn't like that. She just told me I was rude.

I just don't even want to bother! I feel horrible feeling that way but enough is enough. It just upsets all of us but gets to me more. I just don't understand how anyone could treat someone like this! Especially a child.

 

[Rcx]

I'm so sorry you're going through this!' It's one thing being mean to u but being mean to your little girl is so horrible . Big hugs to u. I would try sitting down with your husband and her to try to get the issues sorted and he can support u, if not then u can leave her out of things x

 

[the why bird]

It's disgusting that she treats you and your daughter that way.

You say your husband is on board. So has he explicitly told her that this is unacceptable behaviour? He needs to sit down with her and make it clear that you and your daughter are his family too, and if she can't show you both a little kindness and respect then she doesn't come round. And follow this up with pointing out times when she treats you poorly - if she's rude to you, he needs to calmly say 'don't talk that way to my wife' and then move on, not give it any more attention than that. He needs to be willing to stand his ground and go through with leaving if need be.

If I were you I would act totally oblivious so she's not getting any reaction from you. And let your little girl know you are all on her side.

I'd be worried that if you don't fix this now, it'll get worse when baby comes.

 

[RinnaRoo]

Ewww screw that! I would just forget about her! If she comes around it's a choice from your OH. Don't even stress your mind or your heart about a person who doesn't want to be included in your life.

 

[vickyandchick]

I agree with everyone else, her behaviour is not acceptable especially as it's not just directed at you but your daughter too.

As the why bird said, your husband needs to tell her that she is out of order and ask why she behaves in such a way.

I obviously don't know the whole situation but you seem to have handled it well so far, if it was me I would have slapped her a loooong time ago x

 

[N27murray]

T

I'm so sorry you're going through this!' It's one thing being mean to u but being mean to your little girl is so horrible . Big hugs to u. I would try sitting down with your husband and her to try to get the issues sorted and he can support u, if not then u can leave her out of things x

this is exactly what I was going to say. Maybe take one last shot by sitting down, the three of you and talking only about this issue. If she doesn't vow to change or if she says she will but doesn't, then let her know she won't be invited any more. And if she wants to be she better straighten up.

 

[squirrel.]

How despicable! What possible reason could she have for behaving like this? Has she ever given one?

I would stop inviting her round to occasions and stop inviting her round to my house. If your husband has a problem with it then I would explain to him that though I appreciate his support, unfortunately nothing has changed, and until it does she is not to be around you or your child. From the sounds of it no one would blame you, as it sounds like her vile behaviour is out in the open for everyone to see.

I would also inform her myself (not through my husband) that unless she can put whatever is causing her to be so rude behind her and show some courtesy and civility, then she is not going to be around the baby either when its born.

 

[superfrizbee]

I agree I'd stop inviting her to things. I think as it stands it's only going to get worse when the baby arrives, if she showers it with attention and ignores you and dd - that's going to make both of you feel terrible. I think your DH needs to say she's not welcome until she starts showing both of you some respect.

 

[ready4num2]

It's such a sucky situation to be in! I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she'll just change. DH spoke to her almost every occasion it's happened and I have spoke to her a few times already.

I'm already dreading when the baby is here because I'm sure as you all feel who eer comes to visit in the beginning is there for you and your family. I just see her coming around to see the baby ignoring me and DD and leave. And I'm sure DD will need some time getting use to sharing especially me and DH.

I really don't want to sit down and talk to her again. Whenever she was talked to about it shed deny her actions or lie and say she in fact acknowledged me or DD.

I never gave her a reason to dislike me ever. I have asked in one conversation but it went no where. I think the big turning point that I finally said enough was a few weeks before our wedding again I spoke to her about all this she got angry at me and told DH he should rethink being with me. I had to leave my job from being so sick from the moment we found out I was pregnant till about 17 weeks and she told DH I sit home all day watching soap operas and he shouldn't be supporting me that I'm capable of working. That to me just summed up she hates the fact DH isn't home with her he did contribute a lot financially when he was.

I keep blowing it over and just invite her here and there but it's not worth it! I just spoke to DH again I expressed I'm sorry I tried and want it to be with her involved, but it's just not working. We agreed were not going to argue about it anymore he understands and is just disappointed in her.

If marriage couldn't bring us all together we assumed the baby would at least make her want to try to be nicer. We were wrong.

I just need to make sure I'm not in the wrong I don't want it to seem like I'm being the mean person towards her.

 

[Pixiedust22]

It's good that your DH understands... It's awful how she can behave this way towards you and especially towards your DD! I don't think anyone would blame you if you stop including her in things until she starts behaving like a decent human being.

 

[purplecupcake]

There's got to be a reason why she is being like this. I would have your husband find out, as it's his mom. If she doesn't want to tell him...well then he can say something like "We're doing everything we can to figure out what happened so that we can work on repairing our relationship, but if you won't communicate to us what the problem is then that can't happen and we will have to do what we need to do to avoid the negativity".

 

[wookie130]

Well, you've certainly tried.

I really believe that you're going to have to wash your hands of MIL, and just forget about her. I know you mentioned that she and DH are close, and that's fine, but that will have to be between them, and you are going to have to be very clear to DH that you want no part of trying to create a relationship with her that she's not interested in having in the first place. And it is appalling that she'd treat your 7 year-old this way. That right there digs her grave, if you ask me.

I would make it implicitly clear to DH that you would never stand in the way of his relationship with her, but you really must let the whole thing go. You will not be inviting her to family gatherings, holidays, etc., as you refuse to be treated like this any more. You will really have to put your foot down. Tell him that you don't want to put him in the middle of WHATEVER the hell is going on with MIL, and her negative feelings toward you, and that's why if he wants her to be invited to something, he'll have to do it himself. I would NOT make any effort to speak with her, to get to the bottom of why she feels this way, or anything.

As for your older child, I'd tell her that you don't know why DH's mommy doesn't like you, but I would tell her that both she and you just need to stay out of it. Not everyone is a nice person, and sometimes there are mean people in families. I would also tell her that even though she's not being nice to you, it is not either of your faults, and that you can pray or hope that she realizes that being mean like that to someone else is a mistake...it is not how we treat anyone, even if our hearts don't like the person.

Look, your MIL seems to only be embarrassing HERSELF with this behavior. I say let her make a fool of herself. It is not on you. In the meantime, adopt the mantra that "Other peoples' opinions of me are none of my business." I know it's hard, but I'd forget the whole thing. You've tried, MIL's not buying it, or is in some form of denial. It doesn't matter. However DH chooses to handle his mother is fine, but I'd tell him on no uncertain terms will you have anything more to do with the situation. She will be as non-existant to you, as you seem to be to her.

 

[Ambermichelle]

Ew, that is just horrible. I can't believe someone would treat their daughter in law and a 7 year old like that! If she has problems with you, she needs to be a frickin grown up and express why she's so rude to you. But don't take it out on your poor daughter

Anyways, I would have a chat with DH and see if you guys can cut her out of your life completely. I know it's hard since that is his mother, but that is just so ridiculous how she's treating you. If he's not up for cutting him out, I would see if he can sit down and talk with her, one on one about the situation. Maybe he can get the reason she dislikes you so much out of him?
Anyways, I hope that it works out for you. No human should have to be treated like that

 

[toffee87]

I would stop including her. If she questions it, say you don't invite people who ignore you and dd.

 

[wookie130]

Anyways, I would have a chat with DH and see if you guys can cut her out of your life completely. I know it's hard since that is his mother, but that is just so ridiculous how she's treating you. If he's not up for cutting him out, I would see if he can sit down and talk with her, one on one about the situation. Maybe he can get the reason she dislikes you so much out of him?
Anyways, I hope that it works out for you. No human should have to be treated like that

See, I guess I couldn't ask for my DH to cut his own mother out of his life, no matter how terrible she's treating me. That's putting him right in the middle of the situation, and I think I'd try my best to leave him out of it, as tough as that may be. I would not want to put my DH in the position of being middle man here, particularly when MIL can't even articulate why she has a problem, or admit that she's treating OP and her daughter badly.

I also wouldn't recommend using DH to try to weed the reason why she's acting like this out of her. Quite frankly, I'd let it lay. The only person who is responsible for her behavior in this situation, is MIL herself. I would personally stop caring WHY she's behaving like this, and move more toward
MOVING ON from it.

You can't choose how others feel about you. But you can choose how you react to them.