What do I do???

[ready4num2]

Thanks for the input and advice everyone. It really helps hearing others input other than DH, family and close friends.

I don't want DH to be put in the middle. I'm just going to let it rest and not bother with her. No invites anymore. It's just too stressful and not fair to DD. I just feel like I'm in the wrong for wanting to be this way.

 

[MaisyMay]

What a horrible person. The situation with my mil is very similar so I can really sympathise. I personally haven't been able to cut her out as I know it would just upset dh and make him feel torn, I try hard to just put up and shut up, but I'm not friendly to her just civil. She dotes on our ds and he's only 18 months, but I know there'll come a day when she bad mouths me in front of him and that will be the last time ds and I see her (it's up to dh if he continues contact). So if your dd is noticing Id refuse to see her personally. However, it's a choice only you can make, it's so difficult

 

[mysteriouseye]

Don’t include her into anything… if shes going to act like you don’t exists then I would just throw it back at her and not bother to invite her to anything. xx

 

[ready4num2]

I'm definetely not going to try or go out of my way anymore. I know my family is throwing me a baby shower and I'm going to tell them not to invite her. I feel like such, for lack of a better word, a bitch. Maybe she'll realize we're done if this is how she wants to treat DD and I.

It's sad but it is what it is. I keep thinking back to our little gender reveal too, no excitement. Even when we announced it was a girl. Apparently she went out and bought a few random things for a boy? I feel she's not going to love this baby.

 

[Rickles]

I would exclude her from all your family time. Your OH can see her whenever he wants, why should you put up with it?

If she comments or expresses interest in seeing new LO - I would say ok, we need to talk because it's one thing to treat an adult like crap, quite another to do it to a child. How can I expect my daughter to be respectful of adults when you are not respectful of her?

My MIL is passive aggressive - luckily OH sees straight through it. Basically I took it the first few times we met. But broke after she stayed with us for a week. I kicked her ass to the kerb (very politely and respectfully) about a couple of things (she was insisting Maddie would only ever swim in a saltwater swimming pool ffs) and made it clear I was not about to be bullied or manipulated and would do what I thought was best for MY daughter.

She now decided she is the victim(!) refuses to so much as help load the dishwasher saying "I'll only do it wrong" and weeps through her visits at the drop of a hat. But luckily she lives in another country - so I can deal with it for a week or 2 a year... SIL has even called me to reassure me it's not me, she's just a nightmare!!!

 

[perfectgoddes]

When I was young, my (step)dad's family treated my mom horribly! Until my dad put his foot down and told them that if their behavior continued they would not be a part of his family's life. He expected them to respect his wife, that he chose and loved. Period. You should not have to ask your DH to choose you, he already chose you and your dd (my mom came with me and my older brother, they then had my little brother). If he continues a relationship with her outside of your family, she "wins".
You sound as if you have been gracious and inclusive only to be repeatedly disrespected. You already played nice and she didn't grow up and play nice back. Any relationship she loses with her son it has been her choice to lose.
I hope for everyone she can put on her big girl pants but if not you are all better off without the stress she adds to your family.
Good luck!

 

[ready4num2]

Well a little update.....

MIL is still just completely unbearable. I stuck to my guns and have not invited her or included her in anything. The first thing that came up since our party was Mother's Day. DH wanted us to go to dinner with her, I declined told him to go solo. He didn't instead he was going to surprise her to breakfast the Mother's Day morning. He ends up telling her sorry not going to see you, jokingly. She flips and tells him he's whipped. Ohh Easter we didn't go to his side of the families which she was angry about him not going, again I told him go without me he didn't want to.

I've never once made a point to keep him from her he's an adult and I wouldn't tell him not to see her. DH finally lost it and told her if she wasn't so nasty to me and my DD she'd see him a lot more. He basically called her out on all her non sense then she turns it around that I'm mean to her and give her dirty looks! I almost lost it! She then continues on to him that so what I'm pregnant she's been there and done that and women are pregnant all the time.

At first I was so angry. I'm just so sad and honestly hurt that she doesn't like me or DD or care that in fact I'm pregnant. This is her first grandchild and DH's first, my second. I could see if I honestly did something to make it this way but I haven't. We're celebrating my DD's bday this weekend and I'm inviting my SIL but not her. I feel so mean to do it but I can't deal with her. I really need to just accept this and move forward but I can't. I'm making myself sick to my stomach over it. I'm afraid for when DD arrives. This is suppose to be a happy time in everyone's life, but she's just giving me anxiety over it.

I don't want to talk to DH or anyone else about it they don't get it and I don't want to upset DH. I know it bothers him she just can't be happy and nice.

 

[moter98]

I have so many friends and relatives with this exact same problem. The first thing to know is that your MIL doesn't have a dislike for YOU, she will dislike anyone that is taking her precious baby from her,(in her mind), it just so happens to be you. It's not about you at all, it's about control and that's she's lost that control over her son. I would really take this lesson and if you have a boy, do not do the same thing to him. Embrace who he's ends up with no matter what or you will be the one being excluded from things! This one hits home to me because I am about to have 3 boys.
In this case, I do think it's your DH's place to say something, and you need not. He should tell her that he doesn't appreciate how she treats you and that you are his wife and tell her how much he loves and cares for you and your daughter. He should also tell her that if she cannot show respect for you and get along that she won't get to see him or her soon to be grandchild often because he cannot tolerate her disrespecting his wife. This all should be said gently and not in an accusing or angry tone. Let her react however she wants even if she denys it, just stick to your guns, the both of you.If she does deny it, then go on and invite her next time and if she does disrespect you/treat you badly, then some distance for awhile should let her know that your husband really meant what he said. And no more fighting about it! MIL's like this love to get their son's fighting about this kind of thing with their wives. Also, don't let her do the guilt trip thing, it will only validate to her that she's "right".

 

[ready4num2]

I have so many friends and relatives with this exact same problem. The first thing to know is that your MIL doesn't have a dislike for YOU, she will dislike anyone that is taking her precious baby from her,(in her mind), it just so happens to be you. It's not about you at all, it's about control and that's she's lost that control over her son. I would really take this lesson and if you have a boy, do not do the same thing to him. Embrace who he's ends up with no matter what or you will be the one being excluded from things! This one hits home to me because I am about to have 3 boys.
In this case, I do think it's your DH's place to say something, and you need not. He should tell her that he doesn't appreciate how she treats you and that you are his wife and tell her how much he loves and cares for you and your daughter. He should also tell her that if she cannot show respect for you and get along that she won't get to see him or her soon to be grandchild often because he cannot tolerate her disrespecting his wife. This all should be said gently and not in an accusing or angry tone. Let her react however she wants even if she denys it, just stick to your guns, the both of you.If she does deny it, then go on and invite her next time and if she does disrespect you/treat you badly, then some distance for awhile should let her know that your husband really meant what he said. And no more fighting about it! MIL's like this love to get their son's fighting about this kind of thing with their wives. Also, don't let her do the guilt trip thing, it will only validate to her that she's "right".

I think this is just some of the best advice I've gotten yet. Fortunately DH did do this over the weekend and let her know it's not going to be tolerated any longer. We were arguing about it for a while then we both just realized it's not worth it. I've ignored all of this for a good year and I think I just finally couldn't take it anymore. Even after our wedding back in March after what she pulled I still made an effort. I'm just emotionally drained from her and stressed about it. I get she'd not like anyone else either if they took him away from her, but it just sucks. I don't know how else to put it.

 

[Rickles]

Just wanted to add - it actually pisses me off how nice my Mum is to my SILs (4 of them!)... but it is because she knows she needs to get on with them so she can see as much of her grandchildren as possible. She honestly bends over backwards, frets over bday gifts, babysits at the drop of hat... None of which she does for me!!!

But I can see that they all think she is the best MIL ever - and if this one's a boy - I'll probably be the same. xx

 

[moter98]

I have so many friends and relatives with this exact same problem. The first thing to know is that your MIL doesn't have a dislike for YOU, she will dislike anyone that is taking her precious baby from her,(in her mind), it just so happens to be you. It's not about you at all, it's about control and that's she's lost that control over her son. I would really take this lesson and if you have a boy, do not do the same thing to him. Embrace who he's ends up with no matter what or you will be the one being excluded from things! This one hits home to me because I am about to have 3 boys.
In this case, I do think it's your DH's place to say something, and you need not. He should tell her that he doesn't appreciate how she treats you and that you are his wife and tell her how much he loves and cares for you and your daughter. He should also tell her that if she cannot show respect for you and get along that she won't get to see him or her soon to be grandchild often because he cannot tolerate her disrespecting his wife. This all should be said gently and not in an accusing or angry tone. Let her react however she wants even if she denys it, just stick to your guns, the both of you.If she does deny it, then go on and invite her next time and if she does disrespect you/treat you badly, then some distance for awhile should let her know that your husband really meant what he said. And no more fighting about it! MIL's like this love to get their son's fighting about this kind of thing with their wives. Also, don't let her do the guilt trip thing, it will only validate to her that she's "right".

I think this is just some of the best advice I've gotten yet. Fortunately DH did do this over the weekend and let her know it's not going to be tolerated any longer. We were arguing about it for a while then we both just realized it's not worth it. I've ignored all of this for a good year and I think I just finally couldn't take it anymore. Even after our wedding back in March after what she pulled I still made an effort. I'm just emotionally drained from her and stressed about it. I get she'd not like anyone else either if they took him away from her, but it just sucks. I don't know how else to put it.

So sorry you have to go through this when you've just gotten married and are having a baby. I hope that she one day comes around. My own MIL told me that she used to be too controlling and her daughter had already fixed that so by the time I came around she has been nothing but nice to me. I do think people can change if they really want to.

 

[Claire788]

Honestly i wouldn't include her. You've tried you cant do more than that. Its one thing to act that way towards you but to a 7 year old shows her true character. She will completely try to over rule u after birth so u need dh on side with this.

totally agree ^^!!

 

[lilmonkey86]

Just to give you a little light at the end of the tunnel that these things can get better, I had some serious problems with my MIL at the beginning, so much so that on the night of DH and my rehearsal for our wedding she stood right in front of me, looked DH right in the eyes and said "are you sure you really want to do this?" I was devastated, she has made little comments before but that was the icing on the cake, DH was married before and she treated his ex wife the same way, he took his ex wife's side and didn't speak to his mom for over a year, when they split and I came into the picture I convinced him to reconcile his differences with his mom as I am very close to my family and couldnt imagine our children growing up without know his side, and he needed to give her another chance, things did not change much after their reconciliation (as you see from my rehearsal night example) on that night when she said that, DH snapped, and said if she ever spoke to/about me in that regard ever again it would be the last words she ever spoke to me, him or any of our future children, from that day forward his mother has been a complete angel to me, she actually goes out of her way to call and see how i'm feeling and takes me out to lunch once in a while, so maybe your DH's mother really just needs a wake up call, needs to realize that he will cut all ties with her if she continues to treat you and your DD like that.

 

[prbetsi75]

I think moter98 is 100 percent right that this has NOTHING to do with you, but everything to do with her sense of losing control, losing her son.

You keep mentioning that you feel bad excluding her or cutting her out....you even said that you feel like a "bitch". But the truth is you are not. Us women sometimes feel bad when we stand up for ourselves, and demand respect. NO ONE, even the mother of our husbands, has the right to treat us that way. And we should NEVER feel bad for deciding not to put ourselves in a situation to be disrespected. We should NEVER feel bad about not giving someone the opportunity to hurt us. It is OK to walk away from people like this. In fact, it's HEALTHY. It shows we have self-respect. You will be a good example to your daughter. Even your MIL may someday respect you more for it. It is ok to try to make a relationship work, but if the other person is not willing, you can and SHOULD walk away. We cannot control other people's behavior, but we have every right to demand the respect we deserve, and walk away from people who refuse to give us that respect.

So all this to say, DO NOT FEEL BAD. I know that's easier said than done...but remember that you are doing the right thing. All you can do is pray for people like that, forgive them if they change, but have no problem walking away if they don't.

Good luck!

 

[newlywedtzh]

Geez- so sorry this is who your MIL is!!

I think that she has to have some consequences for her behavior. She is acting down right hurtful. If she is not happy for you and her own SON than she doesn't deserve to be included in the happiness imo. She sounds like a very bitter, jealous woman.

I would not do anything drastic like cutting her our of your life or anything like that (I don't think you want to do that) but I would stop inviting her and including her, she obviously doesn't appreciate it or really want to be there.

 

[ready4num2]

I hope one day this can all
just be forgotten. After all she has done I still made attempts and after our gender reveal party I just finally had it.

DD notices it and asks why she doesn't like her so now it's not just affecting me but it's affecting my child.

This weekend should be interesting because I'm not inviting her to DD birthday dinner or her dance recital. Maybe she will finally get the hint that were all fed up with the way she acts. But honestly I don't think it will phase her. DH has pointed out to her what she's done and continues to do and she denies it all. He's fed up just as much as I am. I know this just upsets him so I try not to talk to him about how it upsets me.

Lilmonkey86: I'm glad everything worked out for you!

Seriously thanks to all of you ladies! It's good to get this out and freely talk about it and getting everyone's advice just really helps.

I'm just so sad that I won't ever have a good relationship with her and she's just not happy that he's married and starting a family of his own. She told him the other day she should've never divorced her husband and should've stayed where they lived at the time because he wouldve had a better life, she said that in the midst of him talking to her this past weekend. I can't help but just take it all personally. If I were her I'd be extremely proud of the man he's become taking on the responsibility, financially and emotionally, of raising someone else's child who he treats and loves as his own. It's just sad we have all these happy life events happening and she can't express one ounce of happiness towards me or even DH. I almost lost it one day when a complete stranger at work came up to me wanting to congratulate me and ask 21 questions. Why can't she but a complete stranger can? I looked at everything as gaining a bigger family with her and SIL she just sees it as him leaving her I guess.

Sorry for complaining I feel so whiney. I'm just an emotional pregnant mess this week. Gotta love the hormones.

 

[wookie130]

I totally understand how you feel.

When it starts effecting your older child, however, game over. Hurt me, that's one thing. Hurt my kid, and we're done. It's that simple.

It sounds like she's rather wierd, if you ask me. It isn't normal to treat someone that badly, even if it were out of a genuine case of "empty nest syndrome" with her son. It's just shitty, really. And to deny behaving that way...doesn't make it less wierd, I'll tell you that.

I'd do my best to wash your hands of it, really.

 

[lilmonkey86]

I have my fingers crossed for you that she will see the error of her ways, I think you are definitely right to stop inviting her to things, maybe she will notice, try creating a barrier for a few months, see if she says anything to your DH or she may mention something to your SIL, then maybe try allowing her back in, but the first time she is rude or makes a comment or ignores you or DD, march right over point it out and tell her it is completely unacceptable to treat you and DD that way and she has left you no choice but to remove her permanently from your list of people included in your families events, and stick with that decision, at that point I would then leave it up to her to put the effort forward to call you (not DH) and invite you and your children to events.