What do you make to this? Long.

[beth_terri]

Let me start by telling you a bit about my sil. She is 22, has a 4 year old that she never bothers to look after, her mum and dad always look after her or her nan and grandad do. She doesnt work and never has. She has a council house. She spends all her child benefit on alcohol, drugs and going out. To the point that she had no food in the house on the odd occasion that she had her own daughter so could not feed her. She smokes weed around her daughter. She turned up on my doorstep one evening screaming in hysterics that she had been stabbed (she hadnt she was tripping), my 2 year old was terrified. We had police round to restrain her. I havent spoken to her since this occasion. All my partners family think I am stuck up and dont understand why I thought this was such a big deal...! You get the idea.
Anyway,
She fell pregnant a month or so before me! To another random guy. Her daughter said something strange to us, she said that mummy went to get a picture of the baby but there was nothing there. Now, another month passed and we heard nothing of it, as far as the family were aware she was still pregnant. A few weeks before christmas my partners mum text to say Toni has lost the baby she has been in hospital for 2 days. So obviously im confused and dont know what to make of that but will just have to accept she miscarried.

At christmas we went round and unfortunately she was there. We had our babies scan pictures to show the family. Her reaction 'Why the fuck would I wanna see that'. And stormed off in a strop. Our special moment was then ruined by her as everyone followed her to give her the attention she wanted.

I know that if i had lost a baby I wouldnt begrudge someone else being happy and showing their scan picture. Would you react like this if you miscarried and your brother showed you his baby scan pic?

I hate her with a passion and as far as im concerned she wanted nothing to do with the photo so she will have NOTHING to do with the baby.

 

[nostress]

Having gone through a miscarriage recently (6 weeks before we got pregnant with this one) I know it can be very hard seeing others with babies or falling pregnant or with due dates around the same time mine was due. I know it seems selfish but it is very hard to go through a miscarriage and see everyone else go through happy healthy pregnancies and be excited about something you yourself just lost. It doesn't matter how attached you were or how prepared, there is that mother child connection already. I know it would have been extremely hard for me to deal with my sister falling pregnant right after I lost my child. I also know there were things I had to avoid. The baby room at the daycare, pregnant mom's, just brought up grief I didn't want to face and tears I didn't want to shed. But I don't know... Just my opinion.

 

[jenniferttc1]

I have to agree with nostress. Miscarriages are very painful, and can really make a women very upset with other peoples happiness

 

[babypeanut25]

After my first miscarriage I lost it when I found out my young cousin was pregnant... and that was 6 months after my loss. I don't excuse her language but I will be honest up until I fell pregnant in October 2011 ( miscarried feb 2009) I cried privately EVERY TIME a friend or relative fell pregnant. When my sister in law announced her pregnancy spring 2011 i has to excuse myself to bawl my eyes out in a Restaurant*bathroom! Im now head over heals in love with my cousins son and my new little nephew and that love happened the day they were born. Hurt and pain are hard to put aside. Though like I said it doesn't excuse her language and how she publicly dealt with the emotions.

 

[Pinkie88]

She sounds like a mess. I would have a hard time dealing with her.

 

[Tink84]

I don't understand why her daughter (who is 4) would say that her mummy went for a picture of the baby and there was nothing there!!

However as much as a miscarriage is not nice although I would probs be raw and hurting inside I would still be chuffed for my brother etc as it's still my little niece or nephew.

However I don't think her lifestyle helps her either. Certainly not the drugs and they can have all kind of affects on your mental and emotional behaviour too. Maybe her family can't see past someone who desperately need helps and are probably happy to help fund her habits with either handouts or caring for her daughter.

 

[ifoundmysoul]

tbh my brother wouldnt do that to me as he knows how upsetting it would be an regardless of what she was or did showing a woman who has lost her child scan pictures not long after is pretty heartless in my book

 

[beth_terri]

I don't understand why her daughter (who is 4) would say that her mummy went for a picture of the baby and there was nothing there!!

However as much as a miscarriage is not nice although I would probs be raw and hurting inside I would still be chuffed for my brother etc as it's still my little niece or nephew.

However I don't think her lifestyle helps her either. Certainly not the drugs and they can have all kind of affects on your mental and emotional behaviour too. Maybe her family can't see past someone who desperately need helps and are probably happy to help fund her habits with either handouts or caring for her daughter.

Exactly the point I was trying to make. Why would 4 year old say something like that unless she overheard her mum saying there was no baby there. It was more than a month later that she announced a miscarriage. I personally dont believe her for a 2nd. I dont think she was pregnant. She is likely to have missed her period due to the drugs/alcohol abuse to her body then thought she was pregnant because of the amount of people she had unprotected sex with. Went for a scan no baby. But she kept this to herself then a month later said she had miscarried. She was lapping up the attention and loving palming her daughter off on other people even more than usual because they believed she needed the rest.

I wouldnt make this assumption about just anyone but this is what she is like. She lies, she steals, she hurts people. She is a nasty piece of work.

And whoever said that we were heartless for showing our scan picture to the family is a joke. She so happened to be there when we were happy to be showing the picture that the family wanted to see. This is going on 2 months after her daughter said about no baby and a month after her 'miscarriage'. Are we just menta pretend like im not having a baby just to please that evil cow?

 

[esst]

She may have been in a situation like I've seen with some first tri posts where her dates are not accurate and she may have been measuring behind what she thought she was - so "there was no baby" might have been accurate, there may have just been a gestational sac and I don't think (if she had explained to her daughter, or relatives had explained it) they would have taken the time to explain that, just that there was no baby at the time of the ultrasound. They may have had her wait to go in for the second scan and saw that there was no baby, or maybe a blighted ovum or something. I dunno. I don't think the hospital would've let her just sit there for two days for a fake miscarriage.

Regarding you sharing your scan picture, it isn't up to you to pussyfoot around other people's sensibilities. You are going to be very obviously pregnant soon, you were sharing with your OH's family and she happens to be part of that family. It wasn't as if you showed up at the hospital when she was there for the miscarriage with a scan pic in hand. I know losses can be difficult but her reaction was rather rude. What was your other option? Wait until she wasn't around or show people in secret? I think she would have felt more excluded then.

 

[beth_terri]

She may have been in a situation like I've seen with some first tri posts where her dates are not accurate and she may have been measuring behind what she thought she was - so "there was no baby" might have been accurate, there may have just been a gestational sac and I don't think (if she had explained to her daughter, or relatives had explained it) they would have taken the time to explain that, just that there was no baby at the time of the ultrasound. They may have had her wait to go in for the second scan and saw that there was no baby, or maybe a blighted ovum or something. I dunno. I don't think the hospital would've let her just sit there for two days for a fake miscarriage.

Regarding you sharing your scan picture, it isn't up to you to pussyfoot around other people's sensibilities. You are going to be very obviously pregnant soon, you were sharing with your OH's family and she happens to be part of that family. It wasn't as if you showed up at the hospital when she was there for the miscarriage with a scan pic in hand. I know losses can be difficult but her reaction was rather rude. What was your other option? Wait until she wasn't around or show people in secret? I think she would have felt more excluded then.

Thats a true point. But either way she has excluded herself from it completely now. My boyfriend- her brother- doesnt want her anywhere near us again. She isnt the sortof person we want around our children.

(you cant fully understand what she is like from just this post, unfortunately we know all too well what she is like).
x

 

[baby_mama87]

She sounds very unstable by what you've typed, its a difficult situation isnt it because you shouldnt have to pussyfoot around her but can understand why she would be upset, although her reaction was totally uncalled for! if she felt upset she should have maybe mentioned it to you later or your OH not caused a scene. I agree though its very strange as well for her LO to come out with something like that?

xxx

 

[Sunshine12]

She sounds like a complete scank!! No wonder you want nothing to do with her.
It sounds to me like her reaction of "why the fuck would I want to see that" is because she is common as muck.

I think miscarriage is a terrible thing and people may feel awkward seeing other peoples scan pictures or being happy for them but she could easily just have left the room rather than having a chavvy outburst. (sorry for calling her a chav but I cant bear people that are the way you have described her!) x

 

[KittyVentura]

Ok. Putting aside all the other things you have said about her and her behaviour with her daugher... and just focussing on her reaction to the scan pic. I think the way she reacted is complretely understandable. Not right or excusable but definitely understandable and deserving of some sympathy.

I would NEVER try and show a friend of relative that had recently miscarried my joyful scan picture. She's likely still grieving and finding it very hard. She's just lost exactly what you have... that must be overwhelming.

As for her behaviour with her daughter - well that sounds like neglect. He whole behaviour is one that I personally would feel needed reporting to social services. But maybe she needs some help from family? xxx

 

[pinkgem100]

if it is true and she had lost a baby then i know from persoanl experience tat seeing other peoples scans, baby bumps and new babies is very hard to be around. i wost my DS is Dec 2008 @ 20 weeks, my cousin was 28 weeks pregnant at the time and the day i had my 20 week scan my cousin had a 3d scan of her little boy.. to this day i have still never looked at it and i really struggled with her being pregnant and me not (not that i would wish it on anyone i didnt understand why it was me and not someone else) then then i was 36 weeks with my DD my sister lost a baby at 10 weeks and i wanted to do was give her a hug but i was so scared she wouldnt want to see me and my baby bump but she actually asked me to visit her in the hospital as we had been through a loss and had come out the other side. i get that you think that ppl should be happy for someone who is expecting but if she has lost a baby (regardless of her lifestyle) ppl react differently to others happyness.

HOWEVER, i do fine it all abit strange and convienent that she would make up a story and why would her DD come out and say what she did.

i am sorry that your special moment was ruined and i do find it strange that her family seem to think her behaviour is normal.

xx

 

[beth_terri]

Ok. Putting aside all the other things you have said about her and her behaviour with her daugher... and just focussing on her reaction to the scan pic. I think the way she reacted is complretely understandable. Not right or excusable but definitely understandable and deserving of some sympathy.

I would NEVER try and show a friend of relative that had recently miscarried my joyful scan picture. She's likely still grieving and finding it very hard. She's just lost exactly what you have... that must be overwhelming.

As for her behaviour with her daughter - well that sounds like neglect. He whole behaviour is one that I personally would feel needed reporting to social services. But maybe she needs some help from family? xxx

What sortof help can you give someone like this though? She refuses to listen to anyone. If someone says something she doesnt like she has one of her outbursts. When the police came to my house to restrain her that day they new who she was before we even gave her name, they new where she lived and they new where her mum and dad lived. (also this day would have been when she was pregnant as it wasnt that long ago) The best thing her family could do is stop allowing her to go out all the time, stop looking after her daughter for her and stop giving her money. (last year she got herself in about £1000 worth of store card debts. But it was ok she didnt have to face up to this her mum and dad re mortgaged their house to pay for it. But they arent going to do this. If she was the sortof person who was a good mum, she had responsibility and she stopped drinking smoking and doing dugs when pregnant then id have all the sympathy in the world for her. But she didnt. She didnt care anymore about the 'baby' than she cares for her daughter or anyone else. Theres one person in her world... herself.
She is on watch with social services as my mum is her daughters reception teacher so she knows exactly whats been going on and classes her at risk.
x

 

[KittyVentura]

You don't KNOW that she didn't care about the baby though. Take my own mother for example. My upbringing was ROUGH... I was a neglected child and your post could have easily have been written about my own mother through our childhoods. No exaggeration, if you searched you'd find plenty of posts about my family and upbringing.

My mum lost a child to cot death and sufferred miscarriages (I know, you'd have thought someone that cannot care for their kids would use contraception... right?) and each time was devastated beyond belief. Did it change the way she treated the rest of us? No. Did it make her decide to become a better mother and put her children before drinks, drugs and random men? No. But she still felt that awful pain like most mothers to be would.

I'm definitely not excusing her behaviour, heck my own mother and I hardly talk now. I've been there at the end of my tether with someone on a destructive path. She sounds like a shoddy human being and a poor excuse for a parent... but for this particular tragedy maybe just talking about it might help?

I'm glad that social sevices already have her on the radar. Too many children are allowed to suffer this way and I wish someone had noticed and spoken up for me and my siblings. Most of them have followed a similar self destructive path. Funnily enough it was only my determination to be NOTHING like my mother that made me get out as soon as I could and work hard for a better life for myself xx

 

[taterbean]

Her drug and alcohol problems aside, not all pregnancies and losses happen the same way. Over the summer before I was pregnant with my baby girl, I had a loss. My blood tests were all positive, but I had two u/s that showed no baby. My husband and I tried so hard to be positive about our first pregnancy while I was going for blood tests every two to three days for 6 weeks to see if my numbers were increasing as they should. It took 3 weeks of blood tests before my HCG levels peaked and started dropping and 3 more weeks before my levels were low enough for things to be considered over. Going through that is no less difficult than losing a baby that you have seen on an ultrasound.

 

[xAmiixLouisex]

I had to avoid my pregnant auntie after I had a miscarriage. My mother had to tell her she couldn't visit. It sounds a little nasty and it wasn't her fault. But, I could not cope with pregnant people. As much as I'm happy she now has a beautiful baby girl, I couldn't bare to think about her getting her baby after I couldn't have mine. I just wasn't ready. I literally locked myself away after my miscarriage. I was a mess. I drugged myself up with numerous sleeping pills just so I could sleep all day and not really have to face reality. If I had to sit in a room with someone showing off their scan pictures, I would have broke down. I wouldn't have reacted the way she did. But, I would have more than likely been a hysterical mess and yeah, I probably would have ruined the moment (not purposely) because the attention would have turned to focus on me.

There's no excuse for her behaviour when it comes to anything else. But with this particular moment I can kinda see why it would be hurtful.

 

[beanz]

You need to walk in her shoes.
I think you are really insensitive. Clearly you don't like your SIL but it sounds like what happened was her first scan showed no heartbeat or was too early and she had to wait for another scan to see if the baby had developed at all. What she may have had is a missed miscarriage.

you may dislike her for all the reasons you mention in your first post but she is still deserving of sympathy because miscarriage is not pleasant however the baby was conceived.

You knew she had had a miscarriage so you could have tried to be a bit more sensitive about it. Yes her reaction was over the top but I am guessing that her miscarriage is a recent thing?

Blimey - i am actually pretty gobsmacked at your lack of sensitivity.

 

[beanz]

"She is on watch with social services as my mum is her daughters reception teacher so she knows exactly whats been going on and classes her at risk"

seriously - your mother is sharing this confidential information with you and you are posting it on the internet. Shame on your mother.