What do you think of this plan?

[Kirstin]

Still TTC with someone you haven't even met or wont even be living with you or the baby is extremely odd and not really fair on the baby.

 

[Always&4ever]

https://www.babyandbump.com/waiting-to-try/129587-cannot-wait-til-dec.html

That thread seems to have dissapeared?

I think either Admin or one of the mods have deleted it

 

[Xanthe]

I know, but i have social phobia and its the only way i feel comfortable with meeting someone.

What is he turns out to be deranged? Hardly going to do wonders for your social phobia is it??

I think you need counselling to deal with all your problems before attempting to bring a poor baby into a world with someone you have never even met before. Totally bonkers.

 

[Wobbles]

Ive removed it to review - nothing for anyone to worry about. It just said her OH was moving to UK in December.

I understand that chatting to people online is comfortable for some because they do not make friends easily but hun this is a risky riskyyyyyyyyyyy situation ...sorry to the guy I know hes on here but I worry for the woman who will have his baby and take a word for it that he will live elsewhere and always provide for you!!

 

[AutumnRose]

Its only for 3 years until he can live here permenantly.

 

[Always&4ever]

I agree with Wobbs

 

[samzi]

why not wait until hes living here properly and THEN ttc?

 

[Always&4ever]

Its only for 3 years until he can live here permenantly.

3 years is an awfully long time though hon, it wouldn't be nice on him to be away from his baby (when you have one) I know what its like to not have your partner with you for big events, Rich has missed most of Jasmine's milestones and it ain't very nice for them

 

[Vesta]

https://www.babyandbump.com/waiting-to-try/129587-cannot-wait-til-dec.html

That thread seems to have dissapeared?

I think either Admin or one of the mods have deleted it

Ah! I see. That would make sense.

Reading further on I can see that Wobbles confirms what you were saying.

 

[Mervs Mum]

Oh honey

I'm sure that your social phobia is also part of why you think this is an acceptable plan. I'm sorry babe but if you talked to people in real life you would find most of them would say you were nuts.

I met my eldests Dad in person and we moved in quickly, got engaged, married, TTC, had my eldest and it fell apart when she was just 2. She was affected very badly by the whole thing. I was warned by my parents repeatedly I was making a big mistake. The knew him and he was a nice guy. Infact my mum said he was the son she never had BUT it STILL didnt work out. It does for some but the odds were stacked against us AND we had met.

Think - think hard.

 

[princess_bump]

i never knew you had met him in rl before. i think meeting people over the net is great, but ttc with someone straight away is going to be hard honey. i do agree with wobbles, maybe spend some time together and once he's living in the same country you can sort out living together and ttc. i can't imagine how difficult it must being feeling the way you do about meeting people, but please remember having a baby is wonderful, but also difficult so imo having your situation as stable and sorted as possible is right for you and any future LO's x x

 

[bunnyg82]

hey sweetie - I really think you are bringing a lot of burden on yourself if you carry on with this plan. Especially with your social phobia. If you have a new baby you would need to get it out and about and surely you need to have someone around to help with this. I know that there are many single mums out there that do a great job, but it's hard work and I am sure most would say they'd rather have someone to share the load with. To plan to live like this is quite drastic to say the least. I think the best situation would be to wait until you are living together.

As far as the part about would you be considered in a relationship for benefit purposes, if he's contributing like you say he will be, I do hope that you'd be considered as a relationship, but that's purely as a tax paying point of view. I understand the situation when people are single through no fault of their own, but when you are not single but just not living together, I don't see why you should get more help than me iykwim!?

I totally understand that this is the best way for you to meet someone, but having a child is a very very very big step and I think that for both of your sakes, you need to make sure that you get on well together irl - many people get on great until they move in together and stuff. I am not saying you won't get on at all, but you need to make sure that you are happy together before bringing a child into the world xx

 

[FEDup1981]

Before meeting my DH i met people from the net, and there was one particular person, who i thought was perfect, we spoke on the fone all the time, spoke on net for hours each night for months, we got on so well, had same sense of humour, in my mind id made plans to move in, daft stuff etc, and then i met him, and i was replused by him, even though id seen his pic.
What im trying to say is, you cant call urself a couple, and commit to such plans until you have met, and know that the spark is there.

 

[Cinnamon]

Darling, I didn't know you hadn't met him and I think meeting him quite a few times and living together is important to know if he is "the ONE". This is the first thing you must get straight before even thinking about having a baby. xxxxxxxx

 

[Wobbles]

I was in a rush when looking through this earlier so Im sorry for short replies - I just think its a concerning situation for a woman if it at all happens. I've been online, chatrooms, communitys for a long time (none baby related) and have seen how vunerable people can be and also the end result of situations like these! They do happen but well mainly not and I worry for the fall you may be placing yourself in esspecially now you have mentioned your social phobia. Things can easily be taken advantage on ...again I am sorry to the guy who may read this but all things considered my concern lies with you not him.

Please think very carefully. Can a relationship become from people in different countries yes of course they can but they are not easy I can only imagine not and if baby happens this situation IS unhealthy and not stable for you and the LO you could bring in to the world. Its not easy when theres 2 parents in the same house ...what if you TTC baby bump and theres travelling back and forth from USA - What about when you need your partner for the birth? Babies come when they want to! I can't even imagine the emotional effects this could bring from beginning to end should it start!

Not picking on you or looking down on you - I'd voice concern for any woman who was planning to put herself in this situation!

x

 

[Winter Belle]

Since OH lives in America, he would get a full time job over there and visit whenever he could get time off.
When baby is here and im on mat leave he will pay all of the mortgage/rent
and i will pay the bills and baby stuff.
Then once my mat leave runs out, i will go to work part time and he would still pay the mortgage/rent.
Do you think this is a good plan?
Also, would i be classed as single since he lives in another country?

Hi hun,

there is no doubting this is a very unusual situation and I can't help but err on the side of caution for your sake and future child.

Firstly, you say he "would get a full time job", so does that mean he is currently not working or working part time? (I'm sorry I don't know if you've mentioned background details in other threads). It doesn't sound like he is completely set financially at the moment to guarantee he can afford your rent/mortgage, let alone flights to and from UK. With the way UK and America are at the mo, finding jobs isn't so easy..

If you don't mind me asking, are you seeking treatment for the social phobia before TTC?... You will ultimately, be a single parent family and your social Phobia could prevent you from seeking help for you or baby if you need it in future. I don't know how strong your SP is and you might have a support network of family and friends around you so I don't mean to pry.

Also there are other factors in TTC that you may need physical support on and he wont be there... for example, what if you don't fall pg in the first 6 months he is here?... what if you and OH need fertility tests/treatments?
What if you have multiples, or there are complications in any of the process and he can't fly over for a couple of months to be with you?.. I know some of these are really horrible things to imagine but it pays to be realistic and you may resent him being across the pond when things get stressful and you need him with you.

Obviously only you can decide on what is best for you. I can't help but feel that if your OH wants to be a dedicated father, he would want to be in the same country as his LO and his girlfriend to watch the boy or girl grow day by day and support the mother in the time and love that she needs.

I guess you will know for sure when you see him in December but ultimately you are opting to be a single parent for at least 2 years and you OH is opting to be an absent father for 2 years. I know wtt is awful but maybe it is worth getting to know OH by travelling back and forth to USA for a few years and then he can move over to UK and ttc after that?

I hope things work out as you want.. If it was a friend of yours asking you the same advise what would you tell them?

 

[Rhi_Rhi1]

hangon, im lost ..... hes going to come over here in december ? stay for 6 months, get u knocked up.... then leave ? AND you have never met? do any of you have jobs right now ? or are you going to wait until you are all ready pregnant to find jobs?

and then you will be all alone to look after a newborn? ...

How long have u "known" him for ? ... and not to sound horrid but why are u in such a rush? ive been reading you post/threads and i don't understand why .... ?? xx

 

[Serene123]

Only just read this

I didn't realise you haven't met your OH. Each to their own, but with your social phobia how are you going to bring up a baby on your own, go to baby groups, clinics ect?

 

[Mitsuko]

I'm afraid I have to agree with the majority here... Why not wait until you can actually live together and TTC then? It'll give you time to sort out the social issues and to learn to know him a bit more.

There's nothing wrong with meeting people through the internet but as many said meeting in person and, a fortiori, living together can be real eyes opener!

 

[AutumnRose]

I am getting better and i will be fully recovered by the time we TTC. I am getting a job in a few months too and so is he. We are going to meet in Dec and talk about TTC first and the sacrifies we will both have to make, and if we are both fine with that we are going to TTC.