What NOT to say a few days after someone has had a mc

[Drazic<3]

man, im gobsmacked at these stories. Some people are insensitive, but others are just plain evil. All i can say is that im so sorry.

I guess this was one benefit i had of keeping things all to myself (and OH). We never told anyone. All this time later none of my friends or family know we lost one.

 

[becky77]

a lady i know who had had 4 m/c got told by her dr to try getting pregnant with somebody elses sperm as her partners was obviously no good, she could not believe what she was hearing and it sent her oh completely of the rails.
i have been very lucky people have been kind .

 

[Logiebear]

Because I have 3 kids already I got told I should be thankful for the kids I have and it was a blessing in disguise. Also, it clearly wasn't meant to be and the most common one was you are young enough to try again!!

 

[kisskadee]

I had comments about it was gods way and was meant to be etc... i M/C at 18 weeks, i had to give birth and we had the funeral last Friday.
I had comments from my friend who has had 3 abortions that 'its so hard to get over,im just getting over it now!!!???' whhhaaattt?? you chose to get rid of your babies how can a miscarriage be compared to THREE abortions!!!!

That makes me mad! Also advice from people who have never misscarried or even have children is sometimes bad, they try and be nice but it just comes out wrong!! ..like 'oooh you can get drunk now'!!!

MY best friends been great though and so has my sister, i dont know what id do without them as my OH doesnt want to talk about it!!

Im slowly starting to be ok now. Every day im getting better.

I love you! I will always be here for you! you are my bestest friend and I will always be here if you ever need to talk. Much love x x x x

 

[beanz]

"at least you know you can get pregnant" and "they say you are more fertile after a miscarriag" are right at the top of my what not to say list at the moment. Particularly when you've been told that you will miscarry naturally at some point but your body is still working to keep the damn thing in you when all you want is for it to be gone as soon as possible. Right now I couldn't give a damn about being 'more fertile' and knowing that I can get pregnant isn't really helping!

 

[AlwaysPraying]

I've found this thread quite sad. Not sad in the sense of tears, but sad in that it is so bitter. What are you meant to say to someone who has just lost someone precious? This applies to all areas of loss: one of my friends died and I did I asked his widow how she was coping. I mean, she was coping as best she could with the death of her 6 year olds 39 old dad. She was on autopilot. I knew that but what else could I say?

Do you do the opposite and not acknowledge what has happened?

Now I know there are no excuses for comments like you're too young, you should have tried sooner, etc etc but those people who genuinely care about you always want you to move from the grief and anger to looking at whatever small positives there are. Like the fact that you can try again - what if you've had your ovaries destroyed by ovarian cancer etc. How big a sense of loss would that bring if you wanted a family?

I know it's a tough time, I know it hurts like hell because I've miscarried as well and I had the well meaning comments. But I knew what they were - well-meaning. Tactless though they may be, when they are well intentioned (and not bitter and twisted) then I accept them for that - well meant but clumsy.

I've read this and it looks really harsh - I guess all I'm asking is what should people say? I think Molly's thread of what you should say is a great idea. I'm really sorry if this upsets anyone, it's not my intention.

I think this really gets to the bottom line of what we are all going through. It's always such a terrible thing that there really is nothing that anyone can say. Well intended or not, everything seems cruel. I take the same thought as you and understand that people don't always know how to feel or what to say, but it still stings when the wound is fresh. People shouldn't have to say anything because things like this shouldn't have to happen to any of us. But it does and I understand that, and understanding that is accepting that, just that. The fact that it happens.

I wrote a post on just what you were talking about a couple weeks back. But my response is that I know we all are sensitive but why should that just be ok? Why do WE women who are suffering the most have to put on a smile and say to ourselves, "she meant well" when we are hurting so incredibly bad and wounded when all we want to do is say, "NO, what you said is hurtful and wrong for me, it doesn't help!". But that just stirs up so much junk I don't think any of us at the time are strong enough to do that, and not to mention that it's not socially appropriate. I just wish it was. I wish we could say, "you know what? that's not helpful when you say that". But instead we smile and say, "thank you for your intentions". That is what's sad to me.

 

[moomoo]

Some of mine to add to the pot:

"Better luck next time!" - wtf this was not a lucky prize draw!!

"Now you can have a baby when you are actually ready! - my boss said this to me...

"you are young, you can try again" - So i deserve this more than an older person would??!"

After falling pregnant 5 months after losing bubs:

"Oh you must have fallen straight away after your miscarriage" - If you count nearly half a year as straight away??!

My personal faves, said to me from a so called medical professional, during a call to EPAC -

"Unless you are bleeding or cramping we will NOT scan you" ok well i didnt bleed or cramp last time but my baby had still died!!!

"Do you realise how EXTREMELY common miscarriage is?" - Yes im part of that statistic thanks very much and i dont need reminding!!!

"We are NOT here to provide reasurance!" - funny that, thats exactly what i thought you were there for!!!!!!!!!?

Another thing is to not say anything, there is nothing worse than someone who cant even look at you, as if youve done something wrong!!

x

 

[AlwaysPraying]

I have a couple today:

- Maybe God wanted you guys to be married first. (thats one cruel god to take my baby from me because we're not married to get his point across, are you kidding me?)

- Maybe this is telling you to get your genes tested (yeah, and how does that factor into it? my baby died from a genetic problem, so yes, we have to have our genes tested, but still it doesn't quite equate to me)

- Well, at least you know you can get pregnant (we all know how brutal this one is)

- You WILL be a mom (I hate this one, as if right now just wasn't the right time)

UGH

 

[beanz]

yeah - that whole 'you will be a mum' shit gets right on my nerves. I would love to get hold of the crystal ball these people seem to have.

Am shocked anyone would say the god thing, I hope you punched them!

 

[verona]

i had just lost my baby when i was out shopping with my mam and her friend, she picked up a little pair of socks and went aww arent they cute
Dont think it was intentional though but still hurt

 

[ohmybabybump.]

"that's why you should stay unpregnant"
"how did that happen? what went wrong?"
"i'm so sorry"
"you're young, you'll be able to have plenty of babies"
"you'll be a great mother someday"

 

[ohmybabybump.]

"maybe you weren't meant to have that baby"

 

[AlwaysPraying]

Could you just imagine if people said stuff like this to other people who suffered a loss of their partner or parent? "Oh, sorry, doll, your mom was supposed to get smacked in that car". WHAT? If it doesn't make sense for them, it shouldn't make sense for us.

The BEST comment I ever had was from my uncle, he said, "I heard about your loss, that's very terrible and I'm really sorry". I said, and almost yelled, "THANK YOU! YES, it WAS terrible!!".

It just summed it up for me, plain and simple, direct and to the point. I loved hearing that from him, it was so nice.

 

[harrypotter]

dont try again, you will only end up losing another and we have to try and cope with you when it happens.......... yes i got upset, pretty understandable i thought!! this was from one of my ex best friends,
i didnt listen, this was said after my 2nd miscarige, i did have to cope with a 3rd but thankfully that was the final one.

 

[trying4#1]

When people say hurtful stuff, try your best to ignore, because most of the stupid things they say as not worth listening to unless they have also been through it themselves.

 

[trying4#1]

There were plenty of people I wanted to say a few things to after it happened to me. A good thing I didn't say what I thought really. They weren't worth it.

 

[harrypotter]

i tried to ignore it and as they say good things happen to good people, well her and her bloke split up the month i had my son (Nov 04) and i split up with my ex when i was preg with my 2nd son in July 06 and got with her ex (he was my best friend most of our lifes anyhow!) been together now almost 3 years and expecting our daughter in 8 weeks.