What to do with unsupportive family

[DianaB]

This may end up coming off like a rant so I apologize in advance. My FIL and his girlfriend are very unsupportive or breastfeeding to the point that I believe that they are just completely against it. It has been ongoing since we had our first DD. I had tons of issues with breastfeeding her and they didn't help at all. I had to supplement for a while, not much and I was very proud of the weight gain she had one week. The lactation consultant I was seeing had boosted my confidence by saying no way was she gaining like that on just the small supplement alone. So in my happiness I mentioned her weight gain to them only to have FIL's gf reply with oh that's all the formula she's getting (she said this with a big smile on her face). They also used to take her when she was hungry and crying and go off into other rooms with her forcing me to chase them down to get her back. So eventually all our problems caught up with us and I switched to exclusively pumping for her but right before this decision FIL just assumed I would be giving up and I could hear the glee in his voice while he was listening to me cry about all the problems and his only attempt to try and comfort me was to make a joke saying "well at least you can go have a drink now". I mean wtf! Yeah of course that's a wonderful trade off to breastfeeding... and I don't even want a drink asshole. Anyway we switched to pumping, it was working for us and I was happy to be giving DD breast milk no matter how she got it. This was when they decided to constantly harass me on when I was going to stop pumping. At least once a month they would ask me when I was going to stop, once she was a year old they asked us anytime they were talking to us. Suffice it to say after all this I was a little traumatized and resentful. After I had stopped pumping they became wonderful grandparents to DD so I tried to shove it all to the back of my mind and forget it. Now DD#2 has been born, breastfeeding is going great and if it's even possible they're worse this time. Seriously last visit FIL's gf had LO she got hungry and she tried to walk around the house with her screaming in hunger saying it was gas because SHE didn't think she could be hungry again so close after her last feed (she's a cluster feeding newborn ffs). When she did this DH started asking her to pass her to me as she was hungry and due to everything we went through with them before I was on the verge of a panic attack. She ignored him multiple times until DH finally got up and took her out of her arms (still pissed he didn't do this immediately). This really crossed the line for me but I don't feel like I can just cut them from visits as DD#1 does love her grandparents and I feel it wouldn't be fair to her.

Thank you if you actually read this far, now that my rant is over does anyone have any advice on how to deal with people this anti-breastfeeding? They're coming to visit this weekend and I feel like running and hiding.

 

[Pielette]

That sounds awful, I'm sorry you have to deal with such ignorance

Personally, if it were me I'd try to 'kill them with kindness'. But be firm at the same time. So I'd be nice as pie, anytime they bring it up I'd say breastfeeding is going well thank you and effectively end the conversation there. I'd repeat the same sentence every time and I would hope that they would recognise that that's all you're ever going to say so therefore it's a pointless conversation to keep repeating.

As for not giving her back when she's upset, I would tell them once politely, and if they don't give her back, I'm taking her. End of. I would take her out of their arms like your DH did. On that score I'd probably be tempted to say something like you expect them to respect your wishes as her mother and it's disappointing that they don't.

 

[shelx]

Wow they sound like a nightmare. I think i would actually punch somebody in the face if they took my baby from me like that and wouldnt give her back clearly all she wanted was a feed poor thing. From the sounds of things she doesnt have kids of her own? Sounds like a selfishness on their part not wanting you to breastfeed but i dont understand why theyre so against it/obsessed?? Do they want to take her overnight, or feed her formula?? if it was me i wouldnt take her to visit them if/let them come to your house if that's how they behave.

 

[Rachel_C]

As PP said, I would just say the same thing very politely but very firmly each time and use your best 'mum voice', you know the one that everybody knows means "END OF DISCUSSION". Don't mention any issues or even normal baby things like wind, just say that everything is going fine, thanks for asking, then change the subject. Be vague if they ask questions about stopping, "Oh we'll stop when she's ready. Everything is going fine, thanks for asking" and repeat

If they insist on bringing it up and won't accept your answer, I'd just ask them if they want to come and discuss it with your health visitor (make sure the HV is supportive of you, find another one if not!) because they're obviously "very concerned and might like a health professional to confirm that you are doing the right thing and ask any questions they may have".

My MIL was one of those who would snatch the baby and not give her back. I would be sitting there frantic when she walked out of the room but I felt totally unable to go and get her back. I explained to OH how it made me feel and he started following his mother round and bringing her back. I'd ask your OH to do it immediately from now on.

I would work on 'rewarding their good behaviour' too - when they're being decent and not wandering off with LO, try to relax and let them have a play with her (same room as you!). If they are being stupid, take LO back. They will soon learn that if they let you relax they get more cuddles!

 

[DianaB]

That sounds awful, I'm sorry you have to deal with such ignorance

Personally, if it were me I'd try to 'kill them with kindness'. But be firm at the same time. So I'd be nice as pie, anytime they bring it up I'd say breastfeeding is going well thank you and effectively end the conversation there. I'd repeat the same sentence every time and I would hope that they would recognise that that's all you're ever going to say so therefore it's a pointless conversation to keep repeating.

As for not giving her back when she's upset, I would tell them once politely, and if they don't give her back, I'm taking her. End of. I would take her out of their arms like your DH did. On that score I'd probably be tempted to say something like you expect them to respect your wishes as her mother and it's disappointing that they don't.

I wish that it worked like that with them, I can literally repeat the same thing over and over again until I'm blue in the face and it's just like they don't hear me. I definitely do need to be more forceful with getting her back though.

Wow they sound like a nightmare. I think i would actually punch somebody in the face if they took my baby from me like that and wouldnt give her back clearly all she wanted was a feed poor thing. From the sounds of things she doesnt have kids of her own? Sounds like a selfishness on their part not wanting you to breastfeed but i dont understand why theyre so against it/obsessed?? Do they want to take her overnight, or feed her formula?? if it was me i wouldnt take her to visit them if/let them come to your house if that's how they behave.

She actually does have kids which makes it more unbelievable. I think a lot of her issues come from being defensive that she didn't breastfeed. I don't know why she would think I would judge or care about that. FIL is definitely coming from a selfish place. He thinks breast milk is gross, like he would get sick if it dripped out of a bottle onto him. It's funny that you mention them wanting to take her overnight though because they've been wanting DD#1 overnight for ages. Not happening, first off because I don't want to be away from her and secondly because they've shown me they have zero intention of respecting my parenting.

As PP said, I would just say the same thing very politely but very firmly each time and use your best 'mum voice', you know the one that everybody knows means "END OF DISCUSSION". Don't mention any issues or even normal baby things like wind, just say that everything is going fine, thanks for asking, then change the subject. Be vague if they ask questions about stopping, "Oh we'll stop when she's ready. Everything is going fine, thanks for asking" and repeat

If they insist on bringing it up and won't accept your answer, I'd just ask them if they want to come and discuss it with your health visitor (make sure the HV is supportive of you, find another one if not!) because they're obviously "very concerned and might like a health professional to confirm that you are doing the right thing and ask any questions they may have".

My MIL was one of those who would snatch the baby and not give her back. I would be sitting there frantic when she walked out of the room but I felt totally unable to go and get her back. I explained to OH how it made me feel and he started following his mother round and bringing her back. I'd ask your OH to do it immediately from now on.

I would work on 'rewarding their good behaviour' too - when they're being decent and not wandering off with LO, try to relax and let them have a play with her (same room as you!). If they are being stupid, take LO back. They will soon learn that if they let you relax they get more cuddles!

I definitely am not telling them any problems we have, I got angry at DH the other day because he mentioned she has reflux. Turns out it didn't matter because FIL doesn't believe babies can have reflux. I believe he said something along the the lines of how the f*** would they know that anyway. They wouldn't take very kindly to me suggesting we talk to a health care professional, they would probably think we were questioning their superior knowledge and get offended. DH was told last night his new job is to follow them and grab DD back haha.

 

[CandyDay]

You need to stand up for yourself and your children. If they don't give her back to you when you ask them to I would tell them if they don't respect your wishes they will not be allowed to hold your LO the next time they come over. Will they read research on the advantages of breastfeeding? Maybe you and your OH need to get tough with the parents. Tell them if they continue to say things about breastfeeding that you will not have them over until they stop. As you don't want them talking bad about your parenting in front of the children.
You have tried to be nice about it and they continue to not listen I think its time to get tough. And yes I know easier said then done.

 

[kerrie24]

I would just have to explode at them and say "look,it is my baby,I have chosen to bf because that is the best for her and if you disagree that is fine but I didnt ask for your opinion and I wont be inviting you over anymore if you constantly feel the need to make comments on my parenting.Having a baby is hard enough without feeling like you need to justify yourself with the grandparents,the very people who you should be able to rely on for support!!"

My family were pathetic and still discuss my feeding choice now,3yrs later!

I dont give a damn.

 

[missk1989]

Id tell her that the baby needs feeding and you dont want to have to stop them coming around but if they carry on behaving as they are you wont have any choice.

 

[DianaB]

She came to the house the weekend alone (FIL was working), and although she asked before taking her up and gave her back when asked I was still getting snide remarks about feeding her so often and asking for her back. DH will definitely be having a serious conversation with them next time we see them as we have both had enough of it. On top of this despite claiming to know all about reflux babies because her children were she decided to not listen to me when I warned her not to shake her around. I mentioned it could make her get sick and her answer was "I don't mind I've been thrown up on before". To which I replied that's nice but I don't really care I'm concerned about her getting sick not you getting dirty". She decided to ignore that too, they really blow my mind.

 

[YoshiPikachu]

I wouldn't let them come over. There is no reason for them to act like that.

 

[Bevziibubble]

I can't believe how RUDE they are. I would really try to get your husband to have a word with his family as this is a really inappropriate way to talk to you. It is totally out of order for them to take the baby of you and not give back. Breastfeeding is a totally natural way of feeding, how do they think all mammals feed their young? Do they get offended when they see a calf feeding from its mother in a field?! They need to accept that it is your decision and to stop being so rude to you all they are going to end up pushing you and your husband away

 

[Grateful365]

Sorry your having to deal with all of that Diana. HUGE to you for sticking with it even through the hard time they are giving you. Your a great mom!

Although it wasn't the extend of what you are describing, I too went through a bit of the anti-breastfeeding thing. My MIL formula fed her babies because the dad thought it was "gross". Some people are just very misinformed and ignorant about BF'ing for some reason. Its more a problem within themselves I believe to think it is "gross". I also had a lot of issues in the beginning and got a TON of "Just give him formula", "He's hungry he needs formula", "Your not going to be BF'ing long with all these issues!", "When are you going to stop BF'ing?".

At first it drove me insane and was making me feel angry for the lack of support, but then I just decided to completely ignore the comments and firmly tell them "To each his own, my baby is exclusively breastfed. You can support it or not but I'm doing what I believe is best for my son (your grandson) so I would think you would be supportive."

I tend to not like to 'rock the boat' but when it comes to my son...everyone can kiss my you know what. I'm going to do what I think is best for him no matter what I have to overcome. If they keep giving you a hard time, I would very frankly tell them that you would appreciate their support and respect as a mother. If they don't, I would distance myself from them a bit until they 'get it'. You don't deserve to be harassed like that, family or not!

 

[DianaB]

I wouldn't let them come over. There is no reason for them to act like that.

It's definitely getting to that point, I didn't want it to because my oldest loves seeing them but they just flat out ignore everything I say.

I can't believe how RUDE they are. I would really try to get your husband to have a word with his family as this is a really inappropriate way to talk to you. It is totally out of order for them to take the baby of you and not give back. Breastfeeding is a totally natural way of feeding, how do they think all mammals feed their young? Do they get offended when they see a calf feeding from its mother in a field?! They need to accept that it is your decision and to stop being so rude to you all they are going to end up pushing you and your husband away

They are actually pushing DH away. His relationship with his parents has always been rocky at best due to his bad childhood memories of being raised by them. His Dad seemed to be making an effort for a while but then we had children and it all went like this. As for breastfeeding being natural they probably just think that humans are more evolved for having and using formula. I kid you not this man treats breast milk like it's deadly acid.

Sorry your having to deal with all of that Diana. HUGE to you for sticking with it even through the hard time they are giving you. Your a great mom!

Although it wasn't the extend of what you are describing, I too went through a bit of the anti-breastfeeding thing. My MIL formula fed her babies because the dad thought it was "gross". Some people are just very misinformed and ignorant about BF'ing for some reason. Its more a problem within themselves I believe to think it is "gross". I also had a lot of issues in the beginning and got a TON of "Just give him formula", "He's hungry he needs formula", "Your not going to be BF'ing long with all these issues!", "When are you going to stop BF'ing?".

At first it drove me insane and was making me feel angry for the lack of support, but then I just decided to completely ignore the comments and firmly tell them "To each his own, my baby is exclusively breastfed. You can support it or not but I'm doing what I believe is best for my son (your grandson) so I would think you would be supportive."

I tend to not like to 'rock the boat' but when it comes to my son...everyone can kiss my you know what. I'm going to do what I think is best for him no matter what I have to overcome. If they keep giving you a hard time, I would very frankly tell them that you would appreciate their support and respect as a mother. If they don't, I would distance myself from them a bit until they 'get it'. You don't deserve to be harassed like that, family or not!

Thank you so much, hearing that makes me feel so much better when almost all I ever hear is criticism for my parenting choices. I'm a very not rock the boat, try to please everyone type of person too but I really can't take it anymore.

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I've decided to get DH to talk to them and tell them that they need to respect me or just stay away and maybe try and explain how important we both think breastfeeding is. I'd like to sit down and sensibly discuss this with them myself but his parents think I've turned there son away from them. When he met me and moved out he pretty much cut contact with them for the longest time because of his feelings towards them left over from his childhood. I think that might be part of the problem too, that they just go against everything because it's me that says it. Either way anyone who takes my child from me and refuses to give her back or makes snide comments about how I feed her will no longer be welcome in my home. Thanks everyone for all the advice and letting me rant.

 

[krysb]

Babywearing really helps keep visitors away from YOUR baby. It sends a firm message and also makes it impossible for anyone to babysnatch. And when baby is a little older you can nurse to your heart's content in a carrier!