When would you/did you feel ready to try again

[Laurabub84]

I guess it’s gonna seem too soon for me to be asking this question or to be thinking about it just yet, and apologises if this is long winded, please bare with me as my heads all over the place. It’s been 5 days since the start of my miscarriage. On Tuesday 22nd we went for our 12 weeks dating scan. From my bfp, I just hadn’t been able to shift the feeling that something was going to go wrong. We fell on the first try after me begging dh for one last baby over the last 18ish months. I’ve never fallen that quick and easy so I assumed it was just a feeling of it was too good to be true. My morning sickness kicked in a little later than with other pregnancies which again I found unnerving but it did come in the end and it was horrendous. Was so hard to deal with but reassuring that things must have been ok with baby. At 8 weeks I woke on the Saturday morning and it was like my symptoms had been turned off by a switch. I felt no sickness and didn’t even feel pregnant anymore. I got so worried that I kept trying to get through to the midwife’s on the Monday (as they close over the weekend) but I just kept getting through to the answering machine which advised I email them. In the end I had to give up trying to call and do that. I sent that email at 8 weeks 6 days explaining that my sickness had vanished and that I was really worried something was wrong and could they tell me if it sounded normal or not. I never got a reply. I had my first midwife appointment that Thursday and I explained it all to her and that I was really worried something wasn’t right but she told me it was a good thing and that my hormones were just levelling out. My morning sickness built back up so I tried to relax. From 9 weeks I started trying my Doppler because I still couldn’t shift the feeling something was wrong. I found my 2 previous babies heartbeats at 10 weeks. I tried every other day from 9 weeks and could only find the placenta. I tried not to panic and hoped it was because baby was tucked behind the placenta. Back to last Tuesday (can’t believe it’s been a week already ) we go for our scan. I felt sick sitting in the waiting room and told dh I was dreading this. I told the sonographer about my concerns and that I hadn’t been able to find the heartbeat and basically got a telling off for trying to use one so early and that I might not know what I’m listening for (I do). Then came the words I was dreading. Bad news, there is a baby but there’s no heartbeat. I just broke. I just knew in my heart all along. Baby passed at 8 weeks 3 days. Bang on when my symptoms vanished. We went in on Thursday for a medically managed miscarriage. Hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Now I’ve had time to process it all I can’t help but feel angry and frustrated that I was ignored. They always tell you to trust your instincts. I repeatedly expressed my concerns and got nothing back. If I had been listened to I wouldn’t have had to endure an extra 4 weeks of worry and fear, and dreadful morning sickness once it had kicked back in. Knowing in my heart I was carrying my baby that was no longer alive. I just feel so empty. I’ve cried everyday. It’s hard to get my head around the fact I’m no longer pregnant and I won’t be having that baby. I just want them back so badly. I don’t want to try again to replace them but I also so desperately want to be pregnant again to stop this ache. I wanted my baby so so badly. I had a talk with dh yesterday and told him I feel I need to try again. Again not to replace baby because if I could choose I would have them back, but I feel it will help me mentally move forward and grieve peacefully for my little one. I don’t want to sound selfish and like I’m just happy to quickly move on because that’s not possible but god are my feelings normal?? Is it normal to feel like I want to get pregnant again straight away? I hate myself for feeling like it but, I don’t know. It’s so hard to explain. My heads just all over the place. I want to try but I feel guilty about it and obviously scared of another miscarriage. I think it’s mainly because dh worry’s he’s getting too old as he’ll be 43 in April, so I feel like I don’t have time to wait. I told him yesterday that I need to try again. He’s worried about going through this again but has agreed. Its also hard to know I’ll have to go through the morning sickness as I struggle with that. I was just reaching the point where it would have come to an end and to know I’ve got to start the first trimester all over again. But I’m more than willing to for my baby. I’m just so confused about how I feel. I hope I’ve made sense in what I’ve said because it’s hard to get out everything I’m feeling. I met my 2 week old nephew Saturday and holding him my heart just ached so much.

What I wanted to know was would you/did you wait to try again? I’m still bleeding and I have to take a pregnancy test in another 2 weeks to check it’s negative and I know they advice to wait until my next cycle which I do want to do that but I’m worried if I know I’m ovulating before my first period after this I'm going to find it so hard not to try. I just want my baby back. I read that if you get pregnant within the first 6 months of a miscarriage there’s strong evidence that the baby will be healthy. I’m worried if I wait a cycle or two my body will be messed up from this. I’ve suffered long anovulatory cycles since my mid 20s and I’m scared that’s going to happen. I’m scared dh will want to stop of it doesn’t happen soon because as I say he’s worried about his age now and being an older parent. Does it make me a bad mum to want to try again straight away? I would really love some advice from ladies who’s been through this. What did you do and how did you feel?

 

[3boys]

I had a similar situation happen over ten years ago. I’d had an early scan which thought it was a blighted ovum, then when I had a scan before the d&c they found a hb. I came back a week later And hb was still strong so I was discharged from epu. At nearly 13 weeks I woke with back pain and went to hospital to get checked. They discovered baby had died at 8 weeks. For me I had to try again instantly. That mc nearly destroyed me and I just had to be pregnant again. I conceived on the second cycle and he was perfect. I’m so sorry this has happened to you Laura.

 

[Laurabub84]

Oh my gosh that sounds horrific. Thank you for replying. It’s a relief to know how I’m feeling is ok. I feel the same. That I just need to be pregnant again. I wanted that baby so desperately it’s killing me. I hate that I’ll never know if they were a boy or a girl. Was it something I did and could have prevented? It’s so hard. Did you wait for one cycle after or did you just try again once the bleeding was finished? I really can’t decide what to do. I know it would be sensible to wait until I have a fresh cycle after this but I just don’t know if I can wait. If I could just be pregnant again I feel like I’d be able to grieve easier for this baby. Because I won’t feel so empty. It’s hard to know I have to go through the worries of the first trimester again if we’re fortunate to fall again. And the morning sickness. I was just getting better from that so it’s hard to know I have to start again but I don’t care. It’s worth it for a precious healthy baby. I will make sure I’m listened to if I have any concerns next time. They say trust your instincts. I did but I wasn’t listened too and I’m still feeling quite bitter about that.

 

[MrsKatie]

Oh sweetheart reading your story is just tearing me apart. I wish this hadn’t happened to you. I know after my loss the absolute NEED to be pregnant again immediately was overwhelming. I felt guilty for « forgetting » my angel by « moving on » so quickly - but of course it’s not that simple. These things are complex and nuanced. I knew I was terrified to be pregnant again but the only thing that could possibly help and heal me was to be pregnant again. It’s a changing, confusing feeling.
Sending hugs honey

 

[MrsKatie]

Oh and I didn’t wait for a « fresh » cycle. We just went for it and I got pregnant immediately with no period in between.

 

[3boys]

Oh my gosh that sounds horrific. Thank you for replying. It’s a relief to know how I’m feeling is ok. I feel the same. That I just need to be pregnant again. I wanted that baby so desperately it’s killing me. I hate that I’ll never know if they were a boy or a girl. Was it something I did and could have prevented? It’s so hard. Did you wait for one cycle after or did you just try again once the bleeding was finished? I really can’t decide what to do. I know it would be sensible to wait until I have a fresh cycle after this but I just don’t know if I can wait. If I could just be pregnant again I feel like I’d be able to grieve easier for this baby. Because I won’t feel so empty. It’s hard to know I have to go through the worries of the first trimester again if we’re fortunate to fall again. And the morning sickness. I was just getting better from that so it’s hard to know I have to start again but I don’t care. It’s worth it for a precious healthy baby. I will make sure I’m listened to if I have any concerns next time. They say trust your instincts. I did but I wasn’t listened too and I’m still feeling quite bitter about that.

I didn’t wait for a fresh cycle because I had read that they only want you to do that for dating purposes. Not sure if that’s true but I didn’t wait anyway. Absolutely they should have listened to you. I find they can be quite condescending. No one listens to me and yet this is baby no 10. I know what’s normal for me. I know it doesn’t feel like it now but you will get through this x

 

[3boys]

Can I also add that I don’t think I’ve been through anything worse. So be kind to yourself, all your feelings are completely normal.

 

[NDH]

Oh Laura my heart is so heavy for you reading this. I am still in the middle of feeling all these same feelings so I know exactly what you are going through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
It seems like from our due date group there have definitely been far more than the average number of losses


After past miscarriages I didn't wait for a cycle to try again. But I was so shattered by this last one that I needed to give myself some time to grieve and my body to heal.

TCM encourages 3-6 months to recover physically from a miscarriage - I too feel that ache so much to be pregnant again that I am not willing to wait that long to try again but I decided to give myself until after my first period.

My emotions are still all over the place. Some days my anxiety is so high just at the thought of being pregnant again for fear of another loss, and at other times I feel guilty about wanting to try again as it feels like trying to replace Jordan. And then yet other times I feel like I don't want another baby, I just want Jordan back. It's a rollercoaster.

I wasn't able to find out whether Jordan was a boy or a girl either, and finding out they weren't able to analyse the sample that was sent to pathology wrecked me all over again. I hadn't realised how much I had been looking forward to finding out as a.form of closure. I may eventually choose to pick one to be able to refer to Jordan as he or she, but choosing a gender neutral name has really helped me be able to think about and speak about my baby without knowing their sex.


I would love to be your TTCAL buddy, and hopefully soon PAL buddies too.

 

[markswife10]

I'm so so so sorry you have to go through this I'm heartbroken for you! I've been exactly where you are. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.



Your feelings are so normal! I found that miscarriages greatly amplified my desire to get pregnant 100 times over! It's like you had it in your grasp just for it to be taken away, and you want more than anything to have it back, or at least be able to get pregnant again to soften the blow a bit. Thankfully, for me, I've been able to get pregnant with a healthy baby after each miscarriage (minus one). Unfortunately, though, between my body and my husband's, it takes us around 8-9 months each time to finally get pregnant again at all after a miscarriage (Oddly enough it worked out exactly like that with each of my kids. With my daughter, I got pregnant 8 months after I lost our baby at 8 weeks. I got pregnant with my son 9 months after losing another baby at 8 weeks. I got pregnant this time around 9 months after a chemical pregnancy). The darkest for me was after my first miscarriage because we had seen a heartbeat just a few days before, and that was before having any other kids to occupy my mind. Those 8 months waiting to get pregnant again and getting AF on my due date was the worst time of my life. And the need for me to get pregnant again was extremely overwhelming!

We waited the month the doctor said to wait until after my first period, but no way we could've waited longer than that. Praying it doesn't take you long to get pregnant again if you decide to try again right away. Hugs!!! And you are not a bad mom for wanting another so soon! It's totally normal!

 

[Bevziibubble]

Sending huge hugs

 

[Laurabub84]

You ladies are just so amazing. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. You’ve all made me feel so much better about how I feel. I’m so sorry that you’ve all gone through this too. It really is the most horrific thing. I think I will be trying again because I want a baby so bad. I’m hoping I can have the patience to wait until I have a cycle. Hoping dh will insist on it and take it out of my hands because I think when it comes to it I’m not going to want to wait and I think it would be sensible to. I’m just scared I won’t have a cycle and it will be long and drawn out. I don’t think my heart can take the wait.
I spoke to the hospital this morning. They offer a woodland burial for miscarried babies. The do it once a month where they will be buried in a certain plot which is then named after a flower. They’ll do a little service that we can attend and any other parents that have also miscarried. It’s somewhere we’ll be able to visit and lay flowers and remember our babies. I didn’t know they did this so it’s a comfort to know we’ll have a place to go. Had a little cry again this morning talking it through. It’s on the 22nd. I would have been having my 16 week appointment the following day and 16 weeks is when I start feeling movement. I really pray I’m pregnant with a healthy baby before my due date and that by next Xmas our family will be complete. I hope this for all of us ttc our precious babies

 

[NDH]

Oh I love that the hospital does that. My baby is buried in my front yard and I built a garden around their grave. But the woodland cemetary sounds like a lovely option I wish all mom's of angel babies had access to

 

[cheerios]

Hey hun
I'm so sorry to read this. You're my bump twin and I'm just devastated to know this. I know it's not the same, but this is also my rainbow baby as I had miscarried the cycle just before I conceived this baby. I didn't wait for a new cycle either. I miscarried in August 2022 and I just tried again in Sept 2022 and got pregnant. Thing is, I didn't have any ovulation signs for the longest time and somehow after my miscarriage, the next cycle was when I had ovulation signs so I didn't want the cycle to go to waste. I miscarried at 5 weeks, and have experienced 3 miscarriages all at 5 weeks together.

I really pray that you'll experience peace and healing during this difficult time. Hugs.....

 

[Laurabub84]

Thank you ladies. Having a really rubbish day today. Every Friday now I’m just gonna think about what week I’d be now.
How long did the bleeding last? I’m on day 9 and there’s no sign of it letting up yet. I’ve read it can take up to a month for hcg to be gone and that’s provided nothing gets left in there. I don’t know why I did it but I just tried a test. I knew it wouldn’t be negative yet. It’s lighter than the control line now but still a fairly strong line. The wait to be able to try again is killing me. I don’t know how I’m going to wait for the next cycle. I just hope so bad that it doesn’t take too long to fall again and that next time baby is completely healthy. I’m thinking of asking my doctor if they could check my bloods because I’ve had b12 deficiency in the past. I had to have injections and was told by one nurse I’d probably have to have them for life but then a new nurse told me I didn’t need them anymore. I’ve been feeling rubbish and so cold constantly. Just can’t seem to warm up so I’m worried that could be a problem and could something like that have caused my lose.
I can’t stand feeling like this. It’s just so hard. I’m feeling so angry and on the verge of tears constantly. I keep snapping at dh and the kids and I feel so horrible for it. I really don’t mean to. When does it stop

 

[NDH]

Honestly there's no need to wait to try again (except in rare cases like molar pregnancies or having to take methotrexate). Drs like to see you wait a cycle for dating purposes, but that's a silly reason when they also do ultrasounds to date pregnancies even when dates are 100% certain.


I'm sorry you're still bleeding . I only bled for 4 days but I had a D&C so I feel like everything was mostly scraped out. My Dr wanted to know if my bleeding lasted more than two weeks.

 

[MrsKatie]

@Laurabub84 oh sweetie my heart absolutely breaks reading this. I wish so much you hadn’t lost that sweet baby. It’s hell. My loss was so early (between 5-6 weeks) and even that destroyed me. The depth of grief I felt was shocking. It absolutely steamrolled me. I scream-cried into my pillow for days; my oldest asked DH if I was going to die A piece of me did! It’s so real and so deep. And there’s no space to really heal cause your family still needs you. It was one of the hardest experiences of my life. Sending so much love your way.

 

[cheerios]

I'm so so sorry. I've only had early losses and I wasn't very attached to the idea of being pregnant and was still in denial phase, since I'd sorta expected to miscarry when my lines didn't get darker. Your lines got so dark, you were feeling the symptoms, and you had every reason to believe in the viability of this pregnancy. You're grieving baby and the "what ifs". It's a very painful and sad time of loss.

I know you'll get pregnant again but the waiting sucks. It took me about 1 year to get pregnant with my rainbow baby after my m/c in August 2021 and again in August 2022. I remember hugging my kids especially hard and more often during those months of waiting. It helped to cushion the blow. Sending u so much love and hugs.....

 

[3boys]

Thank you ladies. Having a really rubbish day today. Every Friday now I’m just gonna think about what week I’d be now.
How long did the bleeding last? I’m on day 9 and there’s no sign of it letting up yet. I’ve read it can take up to a month for hcg to be gone and that’s provided nothing gets left in there. I don’t know why I did it but I just tried a test. I knew it wouldn’t be negative yet. It’s lighter than the control line now but still a fairly strong line. The wait to be able to try again is killing me. I don’t know how I’m going to wait for the next cycle. I just hope so bad that it doesn’t take too long to fall again and that next time baby is completely healthy. I’m thinking of asking my doctor if they could check my bloods because I’ve had b12 deficiency in the past. I had to have injections and was told by one nurse I’d probably have to have them for life but then a new nurse told me I didn’t need them anymore. I’ve been feeling rubbish and so cold constantly. Just can’t seem to warm up so I’m worried that could be a problem and could something like that have caused my lose.
I can’t stand feeling like this. It’s just so hard. I’m feeling so angry and on the verge of tears constantly. I keep snapping at dh and the kids and I feel so horrible for it. I really don’t mean to. When does it stop

I doubt it’s the b12 try not to think like that. I’m b12 deficient and I’m meant to have injections every 3 months and I haven’t had one since February. Completely normal to be snapping at people. You are in the depths of grief. It will eventually get easier.

 

[Laurabub84]

Been up the hospital today. Worried about infection or retained products (hate that phrase). Had bloods and swabs than had to wait for blood results to see if there’s still hcg. I knew there obviously was going be as the test I took Saturday still had a good line on it. It’s dropped to 177. I have to wait for a call to go back in for a scan and possibly more bloods. I have to take antibiotics for 7 days because she thinks my womb is inflamed. I’m just hoping so hard it’s just precaution and that the scan shows nothing left in there. I just want this over so we can attempt to move on and heal from this. I really don’t want to wait to try again but it feels like I’m going to have to because of this. I feel like I’ve been going through this so much longer than I have. Feeling pretty miserable

 

[MrsKatie]

Oh sweetheart This is just awful I hate that you’re going through this Sending so much love your way.