Whom are you planning to have with you during labour?

[Wombat]

Hi girls.

Obviously nowadays in most cases it is your OH...

But, lately I started to think if he would be the right person to be there. He wants and he is wonderful, but I am not sure how he will cope. Not for because how gross it can get - he saw me gross. But of the way he deals in a stressful situations. He can be selfish and concentrate on himself much more, than on me.
I just know the way he is. He can not sit still, he is impulsive, he fidgets, and can never shut his mouth up, if I say something upsetting (being upset or in pain or hurt myself). He always turns attention on himself and his hurt feelings... Also, he "doesn't like to be treated as a dog", meaning "go get me this or take this, or don' t touch me now" doesn't go well with him.
And during contractions I do not think I will have the patience to "darling, would you be so kind and give me water" treatment.

As I am planning to try to go for a VBA2C, I'll have to go without epidural or pain relief. I will be in a lot of pain. It might be long and exhausting... And I am thinking that who I really want to be there is my mum.

My OH wants to be there, but he wants to be there to see the birth of his child. Not to help me and be there for me.

Problem is, here you are allowed only one person. And if I go for a VBA2C, the more I am thinking about it, the more I want my mum.
I need someone who will concentrate 100% on me, not on himself.

 

[Blessedbaby]

Can you not have your mom there and when its time to push she can leave and let him go in?

 

[Wombat]

Ummm.... Nope. I want my mum all the way. Also, I think it would be super unfair to her (I will not go into details, but we are super close and she is the most doting, wonderful grandma there ever was).

Like she did all the hard work, and then - ummm, would you mind leaving now?

Nope.

 

[Blessedbaby]

then maybe talk to him and tell him you would like to have your mom with you and he can see the baby straight after its born ...

Im having my DH with me but also getting a csection done and last time he left me when they took my daughter out and was more excited to be with her than to be with me through recovery LOL ...

 

[Wombat]

I will be good with him if it is a c-section, but during a long natural birth....

Hmmm.... Very very unsure. Just told him, and had an exact reaction I expected: so what about me??!!

I would have been much more inclined to have him there with me if he said "baby, I know myself, I am an ass sometimes (a lot of the times), but during your labour I will try my best to be on my best behavior, and will act as an adult, understanding what you are going through, and that it will be the time I will give my 100% to YOUR attention and would solely concentrate on YOU".
Did NOT happen.

When my dog died, in my arms, I cried like crazy. Absolutely unbearable pain. Kids were in the house, I was with the dog outside (vet gave him a shot, dog was 16 years old and very ill with cancer), I wailed and wailed, he came out to check on me (good intentions) but I told him through wailing to go and stay with the kids, I didn't wan them to see the dog suffering and dying, he exploded and I ended up trying to calm him down.

This is just to explain on his inability to be empathic to what is happening around is not always about him.

 

[ssarahh]

That's a really tricky one. I completely understand why you would want your mum there and I think a birthing partner is there to support you just as much as witness the baby being born.

Is there absolutely no lenience with the hospital letting you have more than one person?

Could you not have your mum with you, but explain to your OH that he can come in as soon as he/she has arrived?

Here we can have 2 people with us - I will have my DH and my sister.

x

 

[vaniilla]

This is something that he needs to work on, you need to tell him how you feel and discuss what he can do to change his attitude in time for the birth i.e not getting upset or emotional over anything you say - you really can't focus too much on what a woman going through labour says!

If you don't think he'll be able to make changes then you should have whoever will make you feel most supported/comfortable in with you.

 

[Wombat]

Thanks girls

Of course I will have a talk with the hospital, if 2 people can be present.

Just came into my mind, that there is another complication, why my mum is a better choice: he moved to my country, and he doesn't speak the language yet. No everybody speaks English. So, it is MUCH more sensible to have someone there, who will be able to be my "voice", when I will not be able to communicate too clearly.

 

[vaniilla]

Have you told him he might not be there? if he's usually very sensitive he might take it quite badly/personally. I hope they'll allow you to have two birth partners.

 

[Wombat]

Have you told him he might not be there? if he's usually very sensitive he might take it quite badly/personally. I hope they'll allow you to have two birth partners.

\

Yes, told him. His reply is above (I posted it on the thread).

 

[vaniilla]

Have you told him he might not be there? if he's usually very sensitive he might take it quite badly/personally. I hope they'll allow you to have two birth partners.

\

Yes, told him. His reply is above (I posted it on the thread).

Has he said anything more on the subject? I hope you told him what about you! it's not about him at all, you're the one giving birth.

 

[Wombat]

He is very upset, but I think he will understand my reasons and accept them.

Now, when I actually decided that I want my mum there during my VBAC, I feel SO MUCH calmer about it.
I know she is the right choice. And all will be ok.

 

[Wombat]

The more I think about it, the stronger I feel about it.

Men started to be present at the birth only 40 or so years ago. Before it were women...

I think a woman should be able to choose, whom she wants to be there. Let's face it, some women want only their OH there, some would not think about their mother being there, some want their mother, sister, OH and doula to be present...

I just want my mum. I am not comfortable with doula (I am not really comfortable sharing such an intimate process with people I do not know that well, medical staff doesn't count).

But my mum, I know. I know what she is is like. How she handles situations. I know I can count on her.

Now I feel really positive and good about the labour. Can not explain it, but it is like when you have made a right decision.

 

[Blessedbaby]

I think men are like that my DH is also like that when I complain of something he wants to complain about something much more. Sometimes I also feel he is being selfish but other times I just shake my head and walk away. He is really trying though to focus on me more in this pregnancy.

I hope your DH somehow comes around and understands why you want your mom there with you.

 

[Wombat]

I think men are like that my DH is also like that when I complain of something he wants to complain about something much more. Sometimes I also feel he is being selfish but other times I just shake my head and walk away. He is really trying though to focus on me more in this pregnancy.

EXACTLY my situation. He is super supportive, super caring and is trying to be understanding. But I do not think any man can really understand labour and women's needs through it.

 

[Blessedbaby]

I agree with you hey especially if you say he doesn't like being dogged around ...

 

[KatO79]

I hope you get your OH to understand your reasons why you'd prefer your mother during the birth. Let him feel like a part of things in some way, maybe it makes him feel left out to not be there during the birth.

In my case my mother is very toxic and always makes everything about her and her needs, even when I was a child. She's a narcissist. She'd probably also just bad mouth me to the midwife and doctor anyway (she tends to re-write history to make me look ungrateful and evil and herself the poor innocent, suffering mother). So of course will only be having my DH with me even though I know he isn't entirely comfortable with anything involving pain and blood.

 

[Kiwiberry]

It's going to be a full house for me this time lol. My husband, MIL (maybe depending on if her brother can watch my daughter), and my best friend because she doesn't want kids but still want to see what it's like, will all be there. I have no shame after having my first daughter. There was at least 13 doctors in the room because she was premature. After having 13 or more people look at your most sensitive body parts it really does desensitize you lol.

I should probably mention that we all have a really good relationship with each other so there won't be any drama.

 

[bcos21]

My husband can be a similar pain in the ass. I think he means well but his takeaway from the birth of our son was it was easy. Riiiiiight he will likely have to take care of our son so it will just be me and the nurses and my Dr. A bunch of women who can get shit done lol

 

[Lynzi88]

I wil be with my mom x i love the way u talk about your mom. Sounds like u have am amazing relationship x