Whose last name should the baby get?

[OnErth&InHvn]

I would give the baby my last name and even go a step further and not include the father on the birth certificate. I know this may sound extreme but if you want full parental custody and rights over the child you carried for 9 months and not having to deal with the bull-ish with a partner who you guys aren't fully committed to one another, having a child thrown in the mix can make matters worse especially if the other person wants to be spiteful.

They can battle you over custody agreements, dictate where you live and move to, prevent you from leaving the country with your child whether it be you wanting to go on a vacation, work obligations, etc by not co-signing for a passport. You always have to consider the other parent even when making decisions concerning your own life if the other parent doesn't consider it in the best interest of the child and just so much drama.

Until he makes the proper moves and commits and put a ring on it I will assure that the child is all mine for now as things can always change in the future. Good luck sweetie.

NOT true in my FOB situation. He has MY last name and his dad is NOT Listed on the birth certificate and the idiot still got custody. (not over that). We can NOT tell each other where to live. We have to give NOTICE for ANY vacation.

All the FOB has to do is ask for a paternity test and then file for visits....

 

[minties]

In this situation I'd give the baby your last name. If nothing else it will be a nightmare explaining to schools and travelling on different names etc... but it's your name and you're the main carer. If things change down the line then so can the name.

I would also put the name on the birth certificate; he is the father. Imagine explaining to your child you kept their father off the birth certificate just in case he ended up an arse. Also as pp said a paternity test would quickly resolve it anyway. I imagine it would be deeply hurtful to the baby's father to be omitted especially as he has been so on board with the pregnancy so far. If he changes his approach down the line excluding him now will probably look worse anyway. Do what you think is in the child's best interest.

My kids don't have my last name and I've never had to explain it ri anyone, ever.

 

[LoveCakes]

My kids don't have my last name and I've never had to explain it ri anyone, ever.

That's great

I was thinking of my aunt who always got called by her ex's surname by my cousins school because he had the dad's name. They were useless though and never updated their records. Also my cousin brought her kids home for a visit and they took her aside and asked why they had different names but she had the letter from their dad.

 

[loeylo]

My kids don't have my last name and I've never had to explain it ri anyone, ever.

That's great

I was thinking of my aunt who always got called by her ex's surname by my cousins school because he had the dad's name. They were useless though and never updated their records. Also my cousin brought her kids home for a visit and they took her aside and asked why they had different names but she had the letter from their dad.

It's really common nowadays that parents don't have the same names as their children. If I'm talking to a pupils parents I always say "are you x's parents?" Rather than "mrs y" and then I introduce myself by name - then they tell me theirs! I'd say maybe about half of the kids I teach have a different name from at least one of their parents. Nobody in our school would ever question it, and that's my experience from working in many schools. Similarly, when I worked in the travel agency there was no concern as to carrying additional ID to take the child out of the country, except from when travelling to a few countries. We generally did advise to take a letter from the other parent but I can't think of any cases where it was actually necessary. Even in cases whereby an aunt and uncle were taking their niece on holiday, there are rarely any suspicions raised unless obviously there is a missing person report or something. Personally, I'm not worried about having a different name than my daughter.

Also, many mothers who are married and then have a child still travel under their maiden name. My passport is due to be renewed just now. Providing all goes well I will marry my partner within the period of expiry of my new passport. I'm not going to get a new passport in my married name until my old one expires! So even if I did have my partners last name, the name on my passport would still differ from my daughters name. It's no big deal.

 

[minties]

I don't know many people who get married, and school just call me "Michelle" lol! We don't say Mr or Mrs anyone. My sons teacher is just Pam to me. Letters to the kids dad and I are addressed to "Mat and Michelle". Obviously the kids use the teachers surnames, but apart from that no ones ever asked or mentioned anything to do with my surname.

 

[UnderPressure]

What you name your child and who is on the birth certificate doesn't matter, in the grand scheme of things. People talk about your baby, his baby, half of each, etc. Your child has a right to know and love both of his parents to the fullest extent possible--and no name will change that. Children, as long as they are safe in the care of each parent, benefit from having the most people possible love the snot out of them and look out for their best interests. Period. Whether you stay together or not, I'd plan to at the very least, co-parent with your partner until your child is an adult and then still see each other at significant events afterwards.

That being said--you're carrying the baby, but the best first thing you can do for your child is to throw out any advice other people have for how to go about things and decide with your honey how to proceed. If it leads to a conversation about the relationship, great. But you should be able to be comfortable having a conversation about the relationship without it being about the baby as well. My parents got divorced and it sucked, but looking back it was really the best thing that could have happened because I got to see what a healthy and loving relationship looked like when my mom got remarried.

I cried when I got married because I opted to give up my name and take my husband's... and I wasn't sad because it was my father's name or my family's name. I was sad because it was a piece of who I was. I imagine I would have felt the exact same if it were originally my mother's name. Because my parents got divorced and my mom remarried, I didn't share my mother's name for some time before I was An adult and we were fine. Those conversations may seem like big barriers to you right now, but honestly most people don't care if parents and kids share a name. My sister never changed her name. All of her kids have her last name for a middle name and their father's last name.... you guys do what works for you guys and forget everyone else.

 

[DobbyForever]

Agreed most kids have different last names these days. I had chaperones for a field trip, 4 were married one is not. And of the five, only one went by Mrs. Husband's name. But all the kids had dad's name including the one where dad isn't in the picture.

Pretty, have y'all talked about it since?

 

[Symphony7]

I teach in a predominantly Hispanic school and it is not common at all for my kids to have the same last name as both parents. I don't even question it, I just look up the record for the child's parent before I address them so I have the right last name and don't assume it matches the kid. Different cultures though, a lot of my kids have two last names it depends on their individual country and their traditions for naming children.

As it is, when I married I kept my maiden name as a second middle name and tacked my husband's name on the end. I didn't really think about it, it was just something I did which is not what anyone else I know had done. I did it because I felt I wasn't giving up the old me, just adding on a new part, so I added a name to the end instead of "changing" my name. It works for me, you have to find what works for you.

 

[Disneyfan88]

I teach in a predominantly Hispanic school and it is not common at all for my kids to have the same last name as both parents. I don't even question it, I just look up the record for the child's parent before I address them so I have the right last name and don't assume it matches the kid. Different cultures though, a lot of my kids have two last names it depends on their individual country and their traditions for naming children.

As it is, when I married I kept my maiden name as a second middle name and tacked my husband's name on the end. I didn't really think about it, it was just something I did which is not what anyone else I know had done. I did it because I felt I wasn't giving up the old me, just adding on a new part, so I added a name to the end instead of "changing" my name. It works for me, you have to find what works for you.

I did the same when I got married. My maiden name became a second middle name, and I took DH's last name as my new last name.

 

[Zephram]

If you're not together and have no plans to be together, I would give baby your last name.

My OH and I are not married, but have been together 7.5 years and have two kids. I worried about their last name a lot before having my first and my OH even said they could have my last name if I wanted as I was really upset by the thought of them having a different name to me.

We both aren't fans of hyphenated names and it would have been ridiculously long anyway, so we decided to go for his name as their official last name but we gave them both my last name as a second middle name. So my name is there, they just don't have to use it.

My DS1 is now 4.5 and it has surprised me how much of a non-issue it is me having a different last name to them. OH and I got engaged when DS1 was 3 months old, but I actually doubt we'll ever get married as we aren't all that traditional in that sense and I've now realised that even if we did get married I might even keep my own last name, instead of change it to his, so I would still have a different last name to my kids even if we did eventually marry. I even actually like OH's last name more than mine, so I'm glad my kids have it, but I still won't necessarily take it for myself.

So if you want to represent your baby daddy in there somewhere, an additional middle name is an option. But to be frank, like I said, if you're not in a relationship and don't plan to be, then I'd go for yours definitely.

 

[PrettyInInk42]

We haven't discussed it again yet, Dobby. We haven't even talked about first and middle names again yet either. However, when we went for our 4D ultrasound yesterday, the tech asked if we had a name we liked yet and I said I liked Alex and he didn't fight me on it. And then today, he made a joke/reference to something and said we should name him "Alexander (middle name) (his last name)". I have too much going on in my mind to make the effort to bring it up right now. Maybe after the shower.

But anyway, I've been looking into if someone is legally allowed to have 2 last names without a hyphen. If my research is correct, I think it's doable and you can pretty much use either or both names whenever it suits you. However, that's more for if him and I were to get married. My last name is very much a part of me. I even have it tattooed down the side of my leg cuz I figured I'd never get married. I wouldn't wanna make it a 2nd middle name (which is actually what Baby Daddy's mom did to him after she married his dad); I would still want it to legally be a last name.

I also really like the sound of 2 middle names, so unless we did get married, I feel like a full name made up of 4 names is more than enough for now. And, if we got married, our kid(s) would have 1 first name, 2 middle names, and 2 legal last names.

I would definitely make sure he knows how great it is that he's sticking around to raise his kid. But I'd also make sure he knows how much my name and heritage mean to me and that I deserve the stability and support of a proper partner/boyfriend.

 

[DobbyForever]

Awww glad to hear Alex is growing on him! I know you were really set on that name.

I hear you though too much to think about. Does sound like he's under the impression baby is getting his last name though. it'll work out though.

 

[mara16jade]

Ditto what other ladies have said. Baby should get your name. In your case, I'd have baby take your name since the future with fob is uncertain. If I wasn't married, but in a committed relationship, I'd still have the baby take my name. And if and when fob proposes, then we (baby and I) can legally change our names once we're married.

DH and I got married in Summer of 2013. We conceived our son in the Fall of 2013. I didn't change my last name for 2 years. LOL But because we were married, our son has my dh's last name. And I HATED it. I hated having a last name that differed from my son. But I was dragging my feet changing my name because well...it was hard! Hard emotionally and physically. Physically because ALL of the bills, loans, car, insurances, etc. were in my maiden name. So it was a royal pain in the ass to change my name. But I needed to get a new passport and decided to just start the process one day. And it felt so good to have the same name as my baby. Totally went off on a tangent there! Sorry...

And to answer your question about envisioning life without your significant other...I think that's a perfect way to look at it. It's easy to imagine life with them and all the things you'll see and do...and make a "happy fairytale life". But it gets real when you imagine life without them. That's when you feel the holes and emptiness. I can't imagine life without my dh. Flaws, smells, sounds and all. Lmao I can't imagine sleeping or being with another man. He's the one. We were together, dating, for 11 years before we got married at 30y.o. And now we're about to celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary this summer. Craziness! It's not all kittens and rainbows. And a child brings a whole new level of stress. But I think you'll know, you'll feel it, if it's right. And I mean if he's the *right man for your future*. Not the right man because it makes sense, it's easy, less complicated. That's very different.