Whose last name should the baby get?

[PrettyInInk42]

So, here's the situation: I've been "with" the father of my baby for like 9 and a half years. He's never asked me out though, and I don't foresee that happening right now. This pregnancy was not planned and he had always said he didn't want kids, but he took the news really well and is definitely stepping up to his responsibilities. I always envisioned being a single parent, so I'd get to pick my kids' names and they'd get my last name. But now that I have another person's opinion to consider, I'm probably gonna have to compromise on the name I like and we have to decide which last name to go with.

I'm feeling like it'll probably be easier to give the baby my last name. I mean, if we were married, or in a very committed relationship, then it'd be like we're on the same team and I could see giving the baby his name. But, as it stands, I've "done all the work", so why does he get to swoop in and put his name on the child I carried? Also, he has 2 male cousins with the same (fairly common) last name. Whereas I have one sister and if none of our kids get our last name, then it'll just dies out.

Now, if he'd like to make an honest woman out of me one day, then I could see myself changing mine and my kids' last names to his, but I'll only cross that bridge if I ever come to it.

And hyphenating the names is not an option: he doesn't like hyphenated names and his name would still end up being the last name in that scenario.

Any thoughts?

 

[DobbyForever]

Honestly I think I told you but I forgot, without a commitment this is your baby. Make your choice. It sounds like you want baby to have your last name, and I know plenty of ladies who do that. It's not my personal choice, but everything about pregnancy is so personal that what works for me might not suit you.

I'd bring it up and guage where he is at. Who knows, he might totally understand. Or maybe it'd be a great start into a more serious conversation about your relationship. Worst case, he pouts and gets butt hurt a while lol

 

[xdxxtx]

When my OH and I decided we'd get married (6 1/2 years ago), I said straight up that I was keeping MY last name and that if we were to have kids, they'd get my last name, too, because I'm not going to have a last name that differs from that of the children I carried. (I wanted to keep my last name anyway, but I really, really, really hate my OH's "maiden" name, Hunter (and I'm an animal lover, lol), so that made it easy for me to choose.) Regardless, that was my decision, and if I was going to carry a baby and then push it out (or worse, have someone cut it out), I wasn't going to budge on this decision.

I don't mean to sound like a complete arse because I wasn't willing to hear anyone else's opinion on the matter, but that's what I wanted, and yes, I felt like I was going to do all the work, and I was NOT going to have a name that differed from my kids' because of some stupid tradition.

I was probably a lot nicer about it to my OH as I am being right now, since I'm being so point blank, but our whole relationship was hanging in the balance because of this stupid issue. OH came to me about a week later and asked to take my last name. So now my OH, my children and I all share the last name I was born with. And we're all very happy with that decision.

I'd advise you do what YOU want, but of course take your co-parent's feelings into consideration (maybe). At LEAST let him in on the idea, which it sounds like you already have done.

 

[6lilpigs]

Sounds like a good idea to give him your last name, maybe babies dad could pick his middle name?

 

[SonnyH]

I'm not married to my OH but we are in a committed, happy relationship of 4 years, we own a house together etc., so for me, no question that baby was getting dads last name. I really hate the idea of having a different surname to my baby but we do both want to get married in the future, so it'll change eventually.

My very unusual surname dies out with me & my cousin. But I won't be that sad to loose it, I've spent my life having to spell it out for people!

It sounds like you have quite a different relationship to me. If you are not really 'together' it's more complicated I imagine. That said, it does take two to make a baby and the child is half his. I know we carry these little ones but I hate this attitude of a child 'being mine'. No, they are half mine. Half dads. I just happen to be the one who can get pregnant. My OH is just as excited as me and I'm quite positive will love baby as much as me. If dad is showing little/no interest or commitment etc, then it's obviously different. They don't get to pick & choose when they care. But if he has, I feel he should at least be able to discuss his opinion on surname with you..? Maybe you have? If he's happy with your surname, then def go for it!

 

[ALiKO]

I would give the baby my last name and even go a step further and not include the father on the birth certificate. I know this may sound extreme but if you want full parental custody and rights over the child you carried for 9 months and not having to deal with the bull-ish with a partner who you guys aren't fully committed to one another, having a child thrown in the mix can make matters worse especially if the other person wants to be spiteful.

They can battle you over custody agreements, dictate where you live and move to, prevent you from leaving the country with your child whether it be you wanting to go on a vacation, work obligations, etc by not co-signing for a passport. You always have to consider the other parent even when making decisions concerning your own life if the other parent doesn't consider it in the best interest of the child and just so much drama.

Until he makes the proper moves and commits and put a ring on it I will assure that the child is all mine for now as things can always change in the future. Good luck sweetie.

 

[Mummafrog]

Your last name all the way in this case. If you do become very committed/married somewhere down the line and have more kids etc, the last names can always be changed so you all have the same. But as it stands you aren't sure how it's going to be or how he's going to manage so it seems the best option x besides kids don't have to take dad's name, that's just the tradition. You're going to be the main carer in your home xx

 

[loeylo]

I would give the baby my last name and even go a step further and not include the father on the birth certificate. I know this may sound extreme but if you want full parental custody and rights over the child you carried for 9 months and not having to deal with the bull-ish with a partner who you guys aren't fully committed to one another, having a child thrown in the mix can make matters worse especially if the other person wants to be spiteful.

They can battle you over custody agreements, dictate where you live and move to, prevent you from leaving the country with your child whether it be you wanting to go on a vacation, work obligations, etc by not co-signing for a passport. You always have to consider the other parent even when making decisions concerning your own life if the other parent doesn't consider it in the best interest of the child and just so much drama.

Until he makes the proper moves and commits and put a ring on it I will assure that the child is all mine for now as things can always change in the future. Good luck sweetie.

This rubbed me up the wrong way if I'm honest.

My child is 18 months, I have been with her dad since 2010. Our first baby (who we lost) was conceived after 1 month together when we were technically not a couple, didn't live together etc, but the baby wasn't all my baby and my partner had the same rights to spend time with my baby as I did, men are just as much a parent as women are, whether they choose to marry the mother of their baby or not. Is my partner any less of a father since we are not married?

To the op, I'd suggest you need to initiate a discussion to find out whether this will be an ongoing relationship or not. The response to this question depends on my next steps.

If he wants to be involved in the child but not you, then I'd hypehenate the last names so you are both represented, since you are both involved and raising the child.

If he wants to not be involved with either of you, then use your own name.

If he wants to be involved with both of you, then I think the decision to name your child belongs to both of you.

 

[DobbyForever]

I would give the baby my last name and even go a step further and not include the father on the birth certificate. I know this may sound extreme but if you want full parental custody and rights over the child you carried for 9 months and not having to deal with the bull-ish with a partner who you guys aren't fully committed to one another, having a child thrown in the mix can make matters worse especially if the other person wants to be spiteful.

They can battle you over custody agreements, dictate where you live and move to, prevent you from leaving the country with your child whether it be you wanting to go on a vacation, work obligations, etc by not co-signing for a passport. You always have to consider the other parent even when making decisions concerning your own life if the other parent doesn't consider it in the best interest of the child and just so much drama.

--
I do agree it's been hard going from this is MY child/single mom mentality to sharing. It really hurts my SO when I say my son instead of our son. It's easy to forget that men don't have a choice about carrying or breastfeeding the child. So while we put in more work physically, the baby is still equally theirs.

But I stand by talk to him about it, but if you feel adamant about keeping your name and having baby take your name that's totally up to you. Like you said, it can always be changed later. I'm sorry this is still stressing you out

Until he makes the proper moves and commits and put a ring on it I will assure that the child is all mine for now as things can always change in the future. Good luck sweetie.

I don't know how to phrase this subtly but this is terrible advice. It can be used AGAINST the mother in custody and child support cases. My stepdad is a family law attorney of over 40 years. It works if the guy wants nothing to do with the kid any way, but if he wants to be involved and is willing to take you to court for it then this definitely works in his favor.

 

[psychochick]

DS has my last name since my parents don't have a grandchild and DH's parents already have two. It's a pretty good reason and everyone's fine with it here so if that's your consideration it's a valid one.

I don't think the child should always get the father's name without any discussion. It's an outdated tradition and I see it changing now. I think if I were in your shoes, the only reason I'd give him the father's name would be if it's actually important to the father AND if I believe that doing so would allow the father to feel more bonded with the baby. If so then it may be a nice connection between father and baby.

 

[ALiKO]

I am not saying if you are not married to your partner they are any less of a partner, but if you are unsure if he'll be around why live with limitations. I have a cousin who has gone through this very situation. She was with her baby's father for years even though things were constantly on and off but the minute she became pregnant she thought everything was going to finally come together as he was "there for her" and seemed involved in the pregnancy.

In the beginning she was contemplating the same thing if the baby should have his last name but since she thought everything was going to be ok she went along and hyphenated the last name and put him on the birth certificate. Well shortly after the baby was born they had a fall out and broke up and she became the sole provider for their baby with him making occasional visits. About 2 years later he had already moved on but as soon as my cousin started seeing someone else that's when he started to make her life a living h3ll. Taking her to court and meditations every 5 minutes, opening up a case with CPS (child protective services) trying to say she was an unfit mother in attempts to get sole custody (of course baby stayed with my cousin as she is a great mom), and he even denied to co-sign on the baby's passport when my cousin wanted to go on a family vacation to Australia with her new fiancé.

I also know someone who didn't put the baby's dad and she can move around freely etc. anyways this is my last comment on this. My advice doesn't come from a malicious place I just get passionate when I hear things like this as I feel so bad for women in these positions, so I apologize to you Pretty if I've hurt or offended you. Not only that but this stuff is not permenant, names can be changed birth records amended, etc. At the end of the day it's your decision to make. Maybe consult a lawyer. But hey I don't know you or your situation after all we are all just random people on the internet right? Good luck

 

[DobbyForever]

I am not saying if you are not married to your partner they are any less of a partner, but if you are unsure if he'll be around why live with limitations. I have a cousin who has gone through this very situation. She was with her baby's father for years even though things were constantly on and off but the minute she became pregnant she thought everything was going to finally come together as he was "there for her" and seemed involved in the pregnancy.

In the beginning she was contemplating the same thing if the baby should have his last name but since she thought everything was going to be ok she went along and hyphenated the last name and put him on the birth certificate. Well shortly after the baby was born they had a fall out and broke up and she became the sole provider for their baby with him making occasional visits. About 2 years later he had already moved on but as soon as my cousin started seeing someone else that's when he started to make her life a living h3ll. Taking her to court and meditations every 5 minutes, opening up a case with CPS (child protective services) trying to say she was an unfit mother in attempts to get sole custody (of course baby stayed with my cousin as she is a great mom), and he even denied to co-sign on the baby's passport when my cousin wanted to go on a family vacation to Australia with her new fiancé.

I also know someone who didn't put the baby's dad and she can move around freely etc. anyways this is my last comment on this. My advice doesn't come from a malicious place I just get passionate when I hear things like this as I feel so bad for women in these positions, so I apologize to you Pretty if I've hurt or offended you. Not only that but this stuff is not permenant, names can be changed birth records amended, etc. At the end of the day it's your decision to make. Maybe consult a lawyer. But hey I don't know you or your situation after all we are all just random people on the internet right? Good luck

But I'm saying the second case where she can do what she wants it's because the father doesn't care. If he cared, his lawyer could use the exclusion to both up his custody and lower his child support on the basis that she prevented him from being the father he wanted to be, thereby hurting the child and him. I'm not making this up. Like I said, my stepdad has been doing this for 40 years and has been the attorney to use that successfully against the mother.

A simple paternity test will prove he's the father. So regardless of birth certificate or paperwork, guy #1 can easily file a paternity suit AT THE MOTHER'S EXPENSE then file to have the birth certificate amended ALSO AT THE MOTHER'S EXPENSE. And then battle her for parental rights. So honestly if you're worried about that, it boils down to the guy any way and he could at any point between pregnancy and 18 years change his mind and be an a*. Granted, the longer he waits the less ground he has in court for custody.

I don't think Pretty is worried about the certificate, just the last name. But I don't want this advice floating around without all the facts. My stepdad sat me down when SO bailed from 12-16 weeks and walked me through how my case would play out in court/ how he was going to represent me.

But back to last names. Do what is comfortable for you. .

 

[Tanikins]

I don't see how being married to the man means they won't bail out in 5 years. There is zero guarantees about the future at all. Regardless of how the situation is now.

My only comment would be how would you feel if you give his surname and he was daddy's say a year and then bailed completely. Are you happy to raise a child with that surname for the rest of your life? My kids have there dad's surname (actually changed mine by deedpoll) and I'm fine with that. Even if he was to bail

 

[JenzyKY]

I, personally, would always give my child my last name. I'm married so it is my husband's as well. If I wasn't, the child would have mine.

 

[PrettyInInk42]

Personally, I'm not trying to be malicious. I doubt that my baby daddy will cut and run, but there is always that possibility. I'm ok with his name on the birth certificate, but I would really prefer the baby has my name. It would be nice if this convo (with him) turns into a convo about our relationship, but the last reason I'd want him to consider marrying me was cuz we have a kid together.

Question for all the married women though: I've heard when considering marriage, you shouldn't try imagining what your life would be like WITH the person, but what your life would be like WITHOUT that person. And if you can't imagine being without them, go for it. True?

 

[DobbyForever]

I heard that. I'm a imagine life with that person and see if you like it, but I've always been about the end result. I'm also cynical and can imagine life without just about anybody lol. And sometimes that level of neediness, for lack of better wording, isn't always healthy. Just because you can't live without someone doesn't mean you should live with them. But that could be my abused/victim mentality.

Ii hope that the Convo leads to a commitment talk

 

[psychochick]

The marriage question, I would not say imagining life without them is the right question to answer. It can easily be confused with fear of change. i remember when I was in a bad relationship, I couldn't see a way out either because we had been together so long. There were many things I wanted to do with him but he didn't share my vision. So it was not to last.

Now with DH I am happy but I also know that I would find a way to be happy without him. It wouldn't be the same of course and he gives me no reason to even want to imagine life without him.

 

[LoveCakes]

In this situation I'd give the baby your last name. If nothing else it will be a nightmare explaining to schools and travelling on different names etc... but it's your name and you're the main carer. If things change down the line then so can the name.

I would also put the name on the birth certificate; he is the father. Imagine explaining to your child you kept their father off the birth certificate just in case he ended up an arse. Also as pp said a paternity test would quickly resolve it anyway. I imagine it would be deeply hurtful to the baby's father to be omitted especially as he has been so on board with the pregnancy so far. If he changes his approach down the line excluding him now will probably look worse anyway. Do what you think is in the child's best interest.

 

[minties]

I'm gonna sound blunt, but it's 3:21am. If he's just a fuck buddy, then no, I wouldn't give baby his last name.

Our kids have their dads last name, we aren't married, we've been tether since were were teenagers (15.5 years) and to be frank, his last name is nicer than mine. If he was just a friend with benefits or we didn't live together then I probably would have given the babies my last name.

 

[Orglethorp]

If you're concerned about his feelings in the situation, then it's time to have a discussion with him about your future together as a couple and as parents. If you don't even want to consider any of that right now, and just give the baby your name, though, go for it.

Even if you were married, you would actually still have a choice. I didn't realize this until someone made a comment at a family gathering when we were speculating how my cousin's daughter doesn't have her father's name, yet he never agreed to a legal name change. I was recalling how I randomly had the girl in one of my classes when I was a high school student volunteering with a primary summer school program, and I found out then that she was registered under her mother's name. Her parents had been married when she was born, were only recently separated at the time, and her father was fighting for custody. Yet here she was, in a situation where the name on your birth certificate must be used (school registration) with her mother's name. When we were reflecting on this, my grandmother decided the girl's mother must have recorded her maiden name on the birth certificate right from the get-go and just never told my cousin (the father).