Why Doesn't He Understand?

[midori1999]

It is almost 5 weeks since I had my twin girls at 23+5, one died shortly after birth and one died at 9 days old, after fighting in NICU. I miss them dreadfully, and am desperate to get pregnant again.

I had a positive ovulation test last Thursday, whilst still having lochia too, and had hoped I might be able to conceive. Since then I got some heavy, bright red bleeding and my GP sent me to the hospital. They scanned me and thought I had some retained placenta, gave me two doses of Cytotec to empty my uterus, but the bleeding stopped and nothing happened. They scanned me again and decided what they saw on the first scan was probably normal womb lining and I had had a period. They also put me on antibiotics as a precation in case I had an infection (I was swabbed but he results take several days) and the gyneacologist said it was probablyu best to wait a cycle to ttc, to let my body get back to normal.

Maybe I was/am being silly, but I kept hoping maybe I could have conceived. However, the bleeding has started again today and I have mild cramping/discomfort. I just feel like I am never going to get pregnant. My husband is going away for 6-8 weeks at the end of August, so after we have waited a cycle we'll only have a couple of cycles to try before he goes, and then he we will have to stop trying as he is going to Afghanistan towards the end of next year and I don't want to be pregnant/give birth whilst he is away as my complications during my last pregnancy were so serious. (waters broke at 14 weeks, bi-lateral pulmonary embolisms, bleeding, then obviously how it all ended) So we'll have to wait until he gets back from Afghan and by then I'll be 35 and obviously something could happen to him whilst he is away. I couldn't stand having lost my babies and then losing him too and not ever having his child.

He just doesn't understand. He just doesn't seem bothered and although he says he wants a baby, he says 'if it happens, it happens', but it's just not so easy for me.

Sorry this is so long, I am so upset and I don't know who else will understand.

 

[vickyd]

Oh honey, so sorry to hear you are going through so much these days...
I understand how fustrated you feel towards your husband, mine also seems to have the :if it happens it happens" attitude these days.... I has a really long talk to him about that last night and he basically said that apart from having as much sex as possible there isnt anything else we can do at the mo so why am i being so obsessed about it.. I really do see his point and i think that no man can really understand what we feel after our losses....
Im now trying to see the bright side of his attitude as i dont think i could handle being with someone as stressed about conceiving as i am! I have a friend whos hubby is more obsessed than her and every month when AF is due hes all in her face every half hour to go check! Shes starting to think he sees her as a reproductive machine and not a wife....
Sorry for rambling by the way!

 

[MissMaternal]

I don't have any advice hun but wanted to give you some x

 

[NatoPMT]

Midori, Im so sorry for the loss of your babies.

Youve had a horrific experience, and you have so much going on that i wonder if its a bit too much to cope with. Have you had any counselling for your loss? With the medical issues and your oh being on active service, it might help if youd consider it?

its a possibility that in your oh's case, his seeming indifference is a defence mechanism against all this trauma and fear. Your way of dealing with it is a need to get pregnant again, which is most of our reactions, his is different, he has the tour of duty and his training which might place emphasis on the different ways you are coping with the same experience.

His if it happens reaction might be just a reaction to the sheer amount of stuff going on. Or it might be the fact he has a lot to contend with himself, or it might be genuinely how he feels. How he is coping is affecting you, and all you can do is find a way to cope that is compatible with his so it pulls you together rather than away. If you consider counselling, that might provide the outlet away from the relationship that might help and help you to channel anxiety from your loss and everything else thats contributing

Otherwise, if thats not right for you, all i can suggest is that as time passes, both of your emotions will adapt, evolve and change. Effective communication is hard anyway, but particularly difficult when you are consumed by grief and hurt - go easy on yourself and dont expect too much from each other just yet

 

[x-amy-x]

I know exactly how you feel in the need to be pregnant again. Losing a child is horrible Love to you and your angels.

I think men find it hard to be so enthusiastic about trying again as it is hard for them to watch us go through all that pain and then the pain of grieving for the loss of your children. I know my OH felt this way after we lost Evie. All I can really suggest is talk to him, keep him close. This is a difficult time for the both of you

He is right when he says it will happen when it happens... your body needs time to heal so getting pregnant might not happen straight away anyway. Your womb needs to have healed enough to hold another pregnancy.

I wish you the best of luck in catching that eggy hun, and hopefully I wont be too long in joining you and hopefully getting that healthy bubba at the end

xxx

 

[Mamabel]

Hi, I have a different perspective I think. He doesn't understand because he is a MAN. Totally different than being a woman from what I can figure: no womb, no ability to connect with growing another human being inside your body. Combine that with no estrogen, so no ability to actually emote.

My DH pretends to be sympathetic about female stuff, but I know he just doesn't get it. He wasn't sad at all with last MC, because it wasn't a real child to him. We have two daughters, and I'm pretty sure he view pregnancy as just this big surreal inconvenience to him: first I'm sick for 10 weeks, then I'm tired for 20 weeks, then I don't look 'sexy' to him for 30 weeks, then out comes a baby, and he can't touch me at all for 8 weeks, I'm uninterested for the next 20 weeks, and he can't touch my boobs at all for about 60 weeks. Add all that up, and it's years and years until the 'baby' becomes a real person (I think that was when my daughters turned three). So...sympathetic? Nah.

However, he's a super dad, a great mate, and is letting me have a third baby even though he really doesn't want one...so I'll keep him. I just gotta' adjust my expectations to his reality, instead of trying to get him to fit into mine. That's what you gals are for!

Good luck! Just keep reminding yourself...men are just as biologically driven as we are, it's just in a different direction and has to do with evolution and the survival of the species! Works for me.