"Why don't you adopt?"

[ao30]

I'm sure most of us have had this question asked. Sometimes from kind friends and family, and other times from people who seem to be personally annoyed with the fact that there are people in this world who would like to conceive a child (I always wonder: what's it to you?)

So I was wondering about your thoughts on adoption. Have you discussed it with your SO? Is it something you don't want to even think about, or is it something you know you'll do in the future? Are you afraid to mention it; does it feel like a "second choice" to you? Would love to hear your thoughts and concerns

Us: We knew we wanted to adopt before we were married; before we even began our TTC journey. And we knew that we wanted to adopt before we were much older. I have four adopted siblings and about a dozen adopted cousins. Adoption has just always been a factor in my life. Of course, we didn't know that we would have difficulties conceiving, so adoption is now becoming a reality quicker than it would have otherwise. I know it's a painful decision for many, but for us it hasn't been simply because we always knew that we wanted to adopt. We're still trying, and aren't giving up, but it looks like our family might grow bigger through adoption sooner than later!

 

[Rivetkitten]

We don't qualify for adoption in our resident country. End of discussion really. I would adopt but we just can't.

 

[Kempf]

We always thought of adopting just one child to help....give love to a child before we got married, but i never thought we would experience some difficulty.

My DH thot we should after 4 years that was last year...after contacting the Local council adoption agency, i later felt i was giving up too soon and believed i should still try, it felt like 2nd option...so adoption is on hold for me, even after having my children which i conceive will still go with the original plan to adopt an addition to the family...that is how i honestly feel

But i would never be against adoption......

 

[ao30]

We don't qualify for adoption in our resident country. End of discussion really. I would adopt but we just can't.

Oh, I am so sorry! ...(and I hope this thread isn't painful for you. I didn't mean for it to be!)

 

[princess_1991]

Okaii id just like to say it drives me CRAZY!! when people say this
Like literally theres nothing more that id like to do then hit them in the head,

i dont have a problem with adoption but its like you would explain to some one your fertility problems and that response makes me think what they mean is ''oh well thats too bad, stop wingeing an adopt one of the million kids out there''

maybe thats not the case but thats how it makes me feel

me and my OH have talked it over but for me the whole point of wanting to be a mommy is to carry that child and go through all the pregnancy ups and downs, to give birth to your own flesh and blood, to experiance it atleast once

im not sayin i would ever rule it out, dont get me wrong if it gets the point where we completely run out of options then i would consider it but im not giving up on having our own baby just yet

 

[ao30]

We always thought of adopting just one child to help....give love to a child before we got married, but i never thought we would experience some difficulty.

My DH thot we should after 4 years that was last year...after contacting the Local council adoption agency, i later felt i was giving up too soon and believed i should still try, it felt like 2nd option...so adoption is on hold for me, even after having my children which i conceive will still go with the original plan to adopt an addition to the family...that is how i honestly feel

But i would never be against adoption......

I completely understand when people say that adoption is not for them; or not for them right now. Adoption is beautiful... but it's a hard choice to make and sometimes I think people don't have peace about adopting while they are TTC because it is not yet their time or simply because there is something different in store for them (!)

I know a woman who was surrounded by friends who had adopted and was TTC, but did not have any peace about adoption. She just knew that she would conceive eventually... and she did.

 

[ao30]

Okaii id just like to say it drives me CRAZY!! when people say this
Like literally theres nothing more that id like to do then hit them in the head,

i dont have a problem with adoption but its like you would explain to some one your fertility problems and that response makes me think what they mean is ''oh well thats too bad, stop wingeing an adopt one of the million kids out there''

maybe thats not the case but thats how it makes me feel

me and my OH have talked it over but for me the whole point of wanting to be a mommy is to carry that child and go through all the pregnancy ups and downs, to give birth to your own flesh and blood, to experiance it atleast once

im not sayin i would ever rule it out, dont get me wrong if it gets the point where we completely run out of options then i would consider it but im not giving up on having our own baby just yet

I think you're right... people who have never walked in your shoes can never really understand with what you're going through. The Tyra Banks Show once did an episode on women who were LTTC (I didn't see it, but I read about it). and it was so insensitive. The message was basically: Stop trying and go adopt! <-- as if that would solve everything.

 

[princess_1991]

ao30 i completely agree, i swear thats how the world see it, okaii maybe not the whole world but you get my drift

 

[J_in_Dubai]

I would really love to adopt one day. But my DH can't get his head around the idea. For me, as much as I would love to be pregnant, I just know that any child I adopted would become 'mine' and the biology of it wouldn't bother me. I just want to be a mommy.

But my DH has never had much interaction with kids (he's from a very small family) and he thinks he wouldn't be able to bond with a baby that wasn't biologically his. I guess at the moment the whole debate is moot anyway- I don't think we can adopt out here, or at least not easily. But I think it's wonderful that you and your SO are so open to adoption, ao30!

 

[ao30]

I would really love to adopt one day. But my DH can't get his head around the idea. For me, as much as I would love to be pregnant, I just know that any child I adopted would become 'mine' and the biology of it wouldn't bother me. I just want to be a mommy.

But my DH has never had much interaction with kids (he's from a very small family) and he thinks he wouldn't be able to bond with a baby that wasn't biologically his. I guess at the moment the whole debate is moot anyway- I don't think we can adopt out here, or at least not easily. But I think it's wonderful that you and your SO are so open to adoption, ao30!

You know, he might change his mind. When my parents began considering adoption, my mother couldn't warm up to the idea, even though my father was ready from the get-go. Then one day she woke up with this thought that her children were somewhere out there in the world, just waiting for her, and she couldn't shake it away. They actively started their adoption journey soon after that.

Husband and I are hosting a pair of siblings this summer (7 and 8 years old). We're doing it for a variety reasons, but one reason is we hope that husband's parents will be able to warm up to the idea of us adopting. This just reminded me of your comment. I know you said adoption, not to mention hosting, is out of the option for you right now, but maybe someday down the road, after some interaction with some wonderful little people, he might just rethink his position.

Best of luck to you on your TTC journey!

 

[StrawberryTTC]

Me and my dh haven't talked about this, but I doubt I'd be able to adopt. Have been thinking about it recently, but so far I can't let go of the need to get pregnant and carry a baby to term myself. We'll see if I change my mind down the line, it's possible. I don't place much emphasis on the genetic aspect of it, though that's important too (oh look, he has your nose but my mouth...). I can love a child that isn't genetically mine, that isn't an issue, I don't think. But can adopting not be 'second best' for me? I don't know.

The other thing for me is that adopted children are nearly always in some way special needs children, because in my country there are so few children up for adoption that it's basically only international adoption and all the baggage that brings. I don't know if I'm strong enough for that. And, to be honest, I'm such a private person that the government looking into our things and home and our relationship to make sure we'd be good parents seems so intrusive!

 

[Missus_L]

This is one thing that I always get asked by people (especially when they have had a drink or 3!) and my respons is that I would like the opportunity to have my own first through all possible options (IVF or even surrogacy) If nothing ever works then I will possibly consider but I have not thought of doing until everything has been tried before xx

 

[ao30]

Me and my dh haven't talked about this, but I doubt I'd be able to adopt. Have been thinking about it recently, but so far I can't let go of the need to get pregnant and carry a baby to term myself. We'll see if I change my mind down the line, it's possible. I don't place much emphasis on the genetic aspect of it, though that's important too (oh look, he has your nose but my mouth...). I can love a child that isn't genetically mine, that isn't an issue, I don't think. But can adopting not be 'second best' for me? I don't know.

The other thing for me is that adopted children are nearly always in some way special needs children, because in my country there are so few children up for adoption that it's basically only international adoption and all the baggage that brings. I don't know if I'm strong enough for that. And, to be honest, I'm such a private person that the government looking into our things and home and our relationship to make sure we'd be good parents seems so intrusive!

So many points here that I agree with... I know how you feel about getting pregnant. For me it's not the main goal, but it sure would be lovely. Special needs... yes, you really have to be prepared for it! At this point we're not ready.

And your comment about the government interfering: this is the part that terrifies me! I hate thinking about it. I hate imagining random people examining every little part of our life. Right now I'm trying not to think about it....

 

[ao30]

This is one thing that I always get asked by people (especially when they have had a drink or 3!) and my respons is that I would like the opportunity to have my own first through all possible options (IVF or even surrogacy) If nothing ever works then I will possibly consider but I have not thought of doing until everything has been tried before xx

Missus L you have a lot more patience with people than I do I never know how to articulate my answers when I am put on the spot like that!

 

[Red sox gal]

My OH and I have discussed adoption several times and would love to adopt, however because we are happily unmarried we would not qualify in our state. We both feel that our marital status shouldn't effect the decision, nor should we rush to the alter just so we can adopt. We are completely devoted to each other and have one of the healthiest relationships that I have ever seen (we argue only once a year, and it's normally so stupid).
We have no concerns of love and acceptance of a child that biological isn't ours, nor acceptance from our families. If it hadn't been for adoption I wouldn't be here since my father is adopted. My OH and his family have accepted my son from my first marriage as a part of their family and the first grandchild. My OH would jump at the opportunity to adopt my son.
But my desire to experience a pg with a loving and doting partner is overwhelming. When I was pg with my son, my ex was very cruil and it felt like I went through it alone which I pretty much did even laboring alone. Go figure when I want a child and am in a healthly relationship, we can't conceive. Yet when I was preventing I conceived and the father is a sociopath.

 

[Rivetkitten]

We don't qualify for adoption in our resident country. End of discussion really. I would adopt but we just can't.

Oh, I am so sorry! ...(and I hope this thread isn't painful for you. I didn't mean for it to be!)

Not at all. I'd love to adopt as much as have more of my own. I have the heart, the room, the love and I'm willing to share. Even if I never had any fertility problems I've always wanted to adopt or foster. I have a lot of personal experience with the whole foster homes/adoption thing.. No one wants older kids, and I'd be inclined to end up adopting older kids from troubled backgrounds. I'm a sucker for a sob story like that. But you have to be married for a certain length of time and a national of the country to qualify for adoption and we are neither (we are married but not long enough).

I even looked into international adoption (although I'd prefer home adoption). I fell in love with a little girl from the Ukraine who has HIV. At the time could have probably scrapped together the 15grand from somewhere (although it would have been hard). But then we found out that our resident country won't allow in children with HIV. So it wouldn't have mattered how much we wanted that child or how many we could adopt. They couldn't pass the health regulations and get residency and adoption permits. It was really heartbreaking.

 

[ao30]

Not at all. I'd love to adopt as much as have more of my own. I have the heart, the room, the love and I'm willing to share. Even if I never had any fertility problems I've always wanted to adopt or foster. I have a lot of personal experience with the whole foster homes/adoption thing.. No one wants older kids, and I'd be inclined to end up adopting older kids from troubled backgrounds. I'm a sucker for a sob story like that. But you have to be married for a certain length of time and a national of the country to qualify for adoption and we are neither (we are married but not long enough).

I even looked into international adoption (although I'd prefer home adoption). I fell in love with a little girl from the Ukraine who has HIV. At the time could have probably scrapped together the 15grand from somewhere (although it would have been hard). But then we found out that our resident country won't allow in children with HIV. So it wouldn't have mattered how much we wanted that child or how many we could adopt. They couldn't pass the health regulations and get residency and adoption permits. It was really heartbreaking.

We've just passed the marriage length requirement for the countries we are looking into (most countries have different requirements). It's funny you should mention Ukraine because that's where my siblings are from ...I wonder if the little girl with HIV that you fell in love with was featured on Reece's Rainbow. I'm always showing husband the lovely little children on there with HIV, down syndrome...

I wasn't aware that some countries have so many regulations for those looking to adopt. We're pretty lucky here in the States-- mostly you need to prove that you make enough (and "enough" isn't a whole lot, surprisingly) and can support yourself and any minors.

 

[Stash777]

I'm sure most of us have had this question asked. Sometimes from kind friends and family, and other times from people who seem to be personally annoyed with the fact that there are people in this world who would like to conceive a child (I always wonder: what's it to you?)

So I was wondering about your thoughts on adoption. Have you discussed it with your SO? Is it something you don't want to even think about, or is it something you know you'll do in the future? Are you afraid to mention it; does it feel like a "second choice" to you? Would love to hear your thoughts and concerns

Us: We knew we wanted to adopt before we were married; before we even began our TTC journey. And we knew that we wanted to adopt before we were much older. I have four adopted siblings and about a dozen adopted cousins. Adoption has just always been a factor in my life. Of course, we didn't know that we would have difficulties conceiving, so adoption is now becoming a reality quicker than it would have otherwise. I know it's a painful decision for many, but for us it hasn't been simply because we always knew that we wanted to adopt. We're still trying, and aren't giving up, but it looks like our family might grow bigger through adoption sooner than later!

I'm completely okay with adopting, but at this point it's out of the question with DH. I would love to foster-to-adopt since there are so many children that need loving families (even though I would love more than anything to experience pregnancy in all aspects). I've already looked into it and have told DH that if it comes down to IVF and adoption that I would choose adoption.

 

[Rivetkitten]

Not at all. I'd love to adopt as much as have more of my own. I have the heart, the room, the love and I'm willing to share. Even if I never had any fertility problems I've always wanted to adopt or foster. I have a lot of personal experience with the whole foster homes/adoption thing.. No one wants older kids, and I'd be inclined to end up adopting older kids from troubled backgrounds. I'm a sucker for a sob story like that. But you have to be married for a certain length of time and a national of the country to qualify for adoption and we are neither (we are married but not long enough).

I even looked into international adoption (although I'd prefer home adoption). I fell in love with a little girl from the Ukraine who has HIV. At the time could have probably scrapped together the 15grand from somewhere (although it would have been hard). But then we found out that our resident country won't allow in children with HIV. So it wouldn't have mattered how much we wanted that child or how many we could adopt. They couldn't pass the health regulations and get residency and adoption permits. It was really heartbreaking.

We've just passed the marriage length requirement for the countries we are looking into (most countries have different requirements). It's funny you should mention Ukraine because that's where my siblings are from ...I wonder if the little girl with HIV that you fell in love with was featured on Reece's Rainbow. I'm always showing husband the lovely little children on there with HIV, down syndrome...

I wasn't aware that some countries have so many regulations for those looking to adopt. We're pretty lucky here in the States-- mostly you need to prove that you make enough (and "enough" isn't a whole lot, surprisingly) and can support yourself and any minors.

Yes... that's where I saw her. On Reece's Rainbow. It's sad because in the Ukraine they move them at an unbelievably young age (8 or 11 I think) into the adult units and once there, they cannot be adopted. And the adult units are no place for children...hell...the foster care systems the world over are no place for children.

 

[ao30]

Rivetkitten- I know. I look at my siblings and my heart just wants to burst with love and this tiny bit of terror that overcomes me when I imagine where they would be right now if it hadn't been for my parents. They belong in our family... I really do believe that our family was waiting for them; that we were incomplete without them.

Stash777- We're looking into foster care as well, but have decided that we will adopt first, and then move into fostering (and if we can foster-adopt, that will be great, but I am not getting my hopes up). I hope you get that chance to be pregnant... best wishes!