Why is miscarriage so taboo?

[Celesse]

I think over the last few days I've realised what a taboo subject miscarriage is. We hide our pregnancies until 12 weeks when we hit the "safe" time. No one talks about miscarriage, and yet they are incredibly common. It seems everyone in the first trimester worries about it, but I'm guessing most people aren't talking to anyone in real life about it.

To some people the baby was very real from the moment they got two pink lines, but that baby is only grieved for privately. To some people it was a non viable pregnancy and never accepted as a baby, yet the biology of early pregnancies and the chances of miscarriage aren't talked about.

But why? Why don't we talk about it? Is it because it makes us too sad? Is it because people don't know what to say? Is it because we just want the wrong pregnancy to go away? Is it because we don't want to upset someone by talking about it in case they don't know what to say?

I've really feel that the silence needs to stop. We as women need to be able to talk about miscarriage. Its not a dirty word that should be hidden. Its something that many many women go through each year and all experiences are valid.

Yeah, I'm not planning on going up to strangers in the street and talking about it, but I am planning on blogging about my experiences and I won't be shying away from telling people. And next pregnancy I'll be telling people straight away and if things go wrong then I'll be up front about that too.

 

[Mellymel]

I have spoken to several friends about it and many of them I am finding have had mc. Some have family or close friends they have seen "suffer" post mc. It is the support I have gotten from these friends that make me feel okay to talk about it.

BUT some people (I posted about it) don't understand it and seems like they never will. They haven't been through it and just think telling you that it is "good" because the baby was not healthy and expect you to be over it as soon as the mc is complete.

 

[Topanga053]

I think it's such an interesting issue, Celesse. For awhile, I thought about researching the issue and possibly writing a book about it. DH and I did not announce our first pregnancy, but a lot of people knew about it and we were very public about our loss.

I know that a lot of my friends had miscarriages, but what surprised me was how many friends had miscarriages that I DIDN'T know about. I will never forget one of my male friends telling me, "my wife had a miscarriage before we had our daughter... but don't tell her I told you. She would kill me if she knew that I'd told anyone about the loss." It really surprised me HOW secretive some of my friends were about their losses; they only came forward with their stories after they had heard mine. I agree that miscarriage and other pregnancy losses should be talked about openly. It was so therapautic to me to talk to other couples who had gone through a loss and survived. Every woman should have that kind of support.

I've read that in Japan there are gardens with statutes of babies where women can leave baby shoes or flowers or other tokens to memoralize their lost angels. I think that's such a BEAUTIFUL idea and wish we had something like that here!

I think, in general, we don't like to talk about the dark underbelly of "happy" life events. I had a lot of anxiety before my wedding and no one wanted to hear about it. They asked about my dress and my flowers and my bridesmaids, but so few people asked about how DH and I were coping emotionally, if we were scared to commit, or if we had any doubts. I was upset that no one cared about my emotions, as much as they did about the superficial, "exciting" aspects of my wedding. I think it's the same thing with pregnancy. Everyone wants to focus on the baby shoes and nursery colors and baby names, but no one wants to hear about miscarriages or fears of loss or becoming a mother. We like to get excited about these major life events and I think we purposely ignore anything about them that is less than perfect because it ruins our "fairy tale" ideal of marriage and motherhood.

 

[Celesse]

Right now the only people I've really spoken about it are my family. I don't feel that sad because I never really thought of it as a baby yet. I'm a bit cold and scientific with my thinking- to me pregnancy doesn't = expecting baby.

But my sisters seem all focused on me not feeling "sad" at the loss of the baby that I'm unable to share all the other negative emotions I'm feeling right now.

 

[aimze]

So well written Celesse....

I told a small amount of people and I think it would be easier to just tell everyone early so if it does end in miscarriage then people know why you're off work etc...my team don't know where I've been the last 3 weeks!

On the same subject,n fertility is also a taboo...I was going to write this on Facebook:

"We can't have children so please stop asking why we don't have any" figured I prob shouldn't tho eh...

 

[celine]

It is taboo, i dont know why, people have not had this happen to them simply cannot comprehend and simply dont want to face it. its been tough i think about it every single day.

 

[Celesse]

Well I decided to blog about my experience so far and it seems to be getting a pretty good reception! Feels good to be talking about it.

 

[aimze]

I love reading blogs....the broken vagina monologue is funny x

 

[aimze]

And womb for improvement x

 

[Kittycat155]

Not sure as for me it really is not. I took pics and would share with anyone who wanted to see, I would tell my experience. From the start I was worried and at dating scan I was pretty sure it was going to end badly due to being so small/far behind.

I told my family the day.day after I knew(his family is racist and I do not see them at all) Death of any kind makes people afraid would be the main reason I think.

 

[Munchkin30]

I agree. We didn't even tell family before but after the mc loads of people know!! I always said if I had a mc if want it to be acknowledged and not just pretend it wasn't there so next time I'll be telling people early. I've told everyone that asks why I was off (I was only off work 3 days) and family and close friends all know, who never knew I was even pregnant! I'm quite open and I'd talk about it to anyone now. In telling prople I'd say more people I know who've had children have had mc than haven't had mc. I hate the people that haven't

 

[Perfect_pink]

Fully agree how much of a taboo it is and it shouldnt be, my friend started a charity to try and break the silence, im not promoting it anything or fundraising so i dont think this is breaking the rules but if youd like to have a look the website is www.4babybell.co.uk x x