Why won't my family help me when I ask them?

[meowow]

Hello, my LO is 11 months old, I have been on my own since I was 16 weeks pregnant, when I was pregnant my family told me "not to worry, we will help you as much as you can, we will support you" ... I moved 40 miles away 6 months ago, because of lack of space in the house and a flat became available so I took it... my family have never come to visit me. I always have to make the journey down to them. When I go there (maybe once a week) .. Initially everyone is excited that me and LO have arrived etc, but after about an hour nobody pays any interest in LO. I am usually left alone playing with him in the front room.
I have asked my mum for some help, to watch LO for the day, if she would have him for the night, but the usual answer is "no, I can't, I am busy, I just held him" when she plays with him it's usually him on the floor her on the sofa smoking her cigarette not really paying him any attention. Since LO has been born I have been out (To the movies and to grab some food) 3 times...
I have been really struggling with LO lately, I have become so uptight, alone, stressed and angry, I asked my mum to look after LO for me so I could have maybe a couple hours rest, but she said no. I am moving soon and she said "I packed up a whole house in 3 days when you were all little (3 of us) ALL ON MY OWN"....... Why does she keep making comments like this? "when I was ill in bed I still had to look after all 3 of you" ...
It's like she is punishing me for asking her for some help.
this is really getting me down, when my niece was 11 months old (first grandchild) my family used to look after her everyday of the week from 10am till 5pm.... I just get the impression my mum doesn't like my LO.
Am I being stupid??
My mum doesn't work and she stays in bed till around midday, she is suffering from depression and I am trying my best to try understand her, and be considerate, but I guess I feel completely alone and let down by my family. I try to manage, to show I am coping on my own, but sometimes it get's too much and I just can't do it.
My mum has never been a single mum, and my dad always made sure we had everything we wanted and needed.
Why won't she help me ?

 

[angelpkj]

if shes suffering from depression chances are nothing matters right now and she doesnt care about anything else or anyone im sure once she feels more back to normal she will help you out

 

[Donna35]

Agree with pp. She's wrapped up in her depression and that is all she can see right now. Your best bet, hard though I know, is to accept that you won't be getting help from her. What about your dad or siblings can you ask them?

 

[dustbunny]

Depression is a selfish thing and I have been on both sides of it. You become so involved with yourself, not I hasten to add out of choice, that everything blurs into insignificance. It's like tunnel vision, anything on the outside just doesn't register and in doing so you become more upset, isolate yourself more because no one understands and in doing so the whole situation becomes worse.
It could be she had an unrealistic preconception that you would have your baby and stay in the family home and to her everything would get better. She probably didn't see you moving away and in doing so perhaps she feels a bit "put out"... but in saying this I in no way or form am passing blame on you, just trying to see how it would be from her point of view... this is not your fault at all.
She says the things she does because she is comparing your situation to hers and because in the midst of depression everything seems worse for the person suffering, she genuinely believes she had a worse off time.
Until your mother gets proper help then I very much doubt she will be willing to help out unless you try to include her beyond helping out with just the baby. Maybe she feels [again not your fault at all] that she does her work/housework/cleaning etc and then feels like she is being used, again, not saying that is the case.

I would try speaking to your dad and see what his view is on everything and then ask your siblings if they could help out or if your mum and dad could come to your flat together and help out.

If any of my rambling makes sense!

 

[Laura2919]

I agree hun, your probably not going to like it but you wont be getting help from her. If she is depressed is she the right person to care for your LO while you go out? I think she could be really thinking that she isn't in the best frame of mind to care for LO for you who knows. when I see threads like this I know how lucky I am but I know where your coming from cos my brother only contacts me when he needs a babysitter for his son.
However you do need some time so is there any other family members?

 

[meowow]

Depression is a selfish thing and I have been on both sides of it. You become so involved with yourself, not I hasten to add out of choice, that everything blurs into insignificance. It's like tunnel vision, anything on the outside just doesn't register and in doing so you become more upset, isolate yourself more because no one understands and in doing so the whole situation becomes worse.
It could be she had an unrealistic preconception that you would have your baby and stay in the family home and to her everything would get better. She probably didn't see you moving away and in doing so perhaps she feels a bit "put out"... but in saying this I in no way or form am passing blame on you, just trying to see how it would be from her point of view... this is not your fault at all.
She says the things she does because she is comparing your situation to hers and because in the midst of depression everything seems worse for the person suffering, she genuinely believes she had a worse off time.
Until your mother gets proper help then I very much doubt she will be willing to help out unless you try to include her beyond helping out with just the baby. Maybe she feels [again not your fault at all] that she does her work/housework/cleaning etc and then feels like she is being used, again, not saying that is the case.

I would try speaking to your dad and see what his view is on everything and then ask your siblings if they could help out or if your mum and dad could come to your flat together and help out.

If any of my rambling makes sense!

Thank you for replying, she is taking medication, and having therapy but neither of these seem to be working. My mum was the one who encouraged me to move out. Also my sister does all the house work for my mum so really she has nothing to worry about a part from herself.
My dad doesn't really know what to think of all this, he is a little old fashioned and doesn't understand how my mum can be so depressed when she has everything.
Like I said I try so hard to be understanding and sympathetic but sometimes when I have been having a really stressful week I guess it would be nice to have someone say "I will watch Lo go have a nice bath" you know? no other family members are willing or able to look after LO either so I am really dependent on my mum for this.
She has been like this for almost a year now, it all started when LO was born, I dunno what to think.
Thanks for your reply and advice, it's not that I am not sympathetic I just .. I dunno feel sad that my family can't be there for me.

 

[meowow]

Agree with pp. She's wrapped up in her depression and that is all she can see right now. Your best bet, hard though I know, is to accept that you won't be getting help from her. What about your dad or siblings can you ask them?

My dad is really great with LO he pays him a lot of attention etc, but I could never leave LO with him for an extended period of time, he can't do nappies feeding putting him down for a nap etc. The rest of my family are also pretty useless if I am honest, my sister will take him for around 3 minutes, my nan and grandad say they would love to take him but they just can't manage now like they used to. So I really depend on my mum.

 

[meowow]

I agree hun, your probably not going to like it but you wont be getting help from her. If she is depressed is she the right person to care for your LO while you go out? I think she could be really thinking that she isn't in the best frame of mind to care for LO for you who knows. when I see threads like this I know how lucky I am but I know where your coming from cos my brother only contacts me when he needs a babysitter for his son.
However you do need some time so is there any other family members?

Honestly, no I really depend on my mum to take LO nobody else within my family is willing or able.

 

[dustbunny]

Depression is a selfish thing and I have been on both sides of it. You become so involved with yourself, not I hasten to add out of choice, that everything blurs into insignificance. It's like tunnel vision, anything on the outside just doesn't register and in doing so you become more upset, isolate yourself more because no one understands and in doing so the whole situation becomes worse.
It could be she had an unrealistic preconception that you would have your baby and stay in the family home and to her everything would get better. She probably didn't see you moving away and in doing so perhaps she feels a bit "put out"... but in saying this I in no way or form am passing blame on you, just trying to see how it would be from her point of view... this is not your fault at all.
She says the things she does because she is comparing your situation to hers and because in the midst of depression everything seems worse for the person suffering, she genuinely believes she had a worse off time.
Until your mother gets proper help then I very much doubt she will be willing to help out unless you try to include her beyond helping out with just the baby. Maybe she feels [again not your fault at all] that she does her work/housework/cleaning etc and then feels like she is being used, again, not saying that is the case.

I would try speaking to your dad and see what his view is on everything and then ask your siblings if they could help out or if your mum and dad could come to your flat together and help out.

If any of my rambling makes sense!

Thank you for replying, she is taking medication, and having therapy but neither of these seem to be working. My mum was the one who encouraged me to move out. Also my sister does all the house work for my mum so really she has nothing to worry about a part from herself.
My dad doesn't really know what to think of all this, he is a little old fashioned and doesn't understand how my mum can be so depressed when she has everything.
Like I said I try so hard to be understanding and sympathetic but sometimes when I have been having a really stressful week I guess it would be nice to have someone say "I will watch Lo go have a nice bath" you know? no other family members are willing or able to look after LO either so I am really dependent on my mum for this.
She has been like this for almost a year now, it all started when LO was born, I dunno what to think.
Thanks for your reply and advice, it's not that I am not sympathetic I just .. I dunno feel sad that my family can't be there for me.

Sometimes it takes a while to find the right medication to work. One version might work for some but not others an do it might be worth her going back to the doctors to switch meds. Also I think unless she wants to change/is ready to then no amount of therapy or pills will improve her mood. Pills wont make the problem go away, they just mask how you respond to the problems. Also maybe encourage your sister to either include your mum or back off from the housework as sometimes getting in a routine might help.

I know its a stretch but have you considered a babysitter?? Even if its only for a couple hours a week just to give you some down time.

 

[meowow]

Depression is a selfish thing and I have been on both sides of it. You become so involved with yourself, not I hasten to add out of choice, that everything blurs into insignificance. It's like tunnel vision, anything on the outside just doesn't register and in doing so you become more upset, isolate yourself more because no one understands and in doing so the whole situation becomes worse.
It could be she had an unrealistic preconception that you would have your baby and stay in the family home and to her everything would get better. She probably didn't see you moving away and in doing so perhaps she feels a bit "put out"... but in saying this I in no way or form am passing blame on you, just trying to see how it would be from her point of view... this is not your fault at all.
She says the things she does because she is comparing your situation to hers and because in the midst of depression everything seems worse for the person suffering, she genuinely believes she had a worse off time.
Until your mother gets proper help then I very much doubt she will be willing to help out unless you try to include her beyond helping out with just the baby. Maybe she feels [again not your fault at all] that she does her work/housework/cleaning etc and then feels like she is being used, again, not saying that is the case.

I would try speaking to your dad and see what his view is on everything and then ask your siblings if they could help out or if your mum and dad could come to your flat together and help out.

If any of my rambling makes sense!

Thank you for replying, she is taking medication, and having therapy but neither of these seem to be working. My mum was the one who encouraged me to move out. Also my sister does all the house work for my mum so really she has nothing to worry about a part from herself.
My dad doesn't really know what to think of all this, he is a little old fashioned and doesn't understand how my mum can be so depressed when she has everything.
Like I said I try so hard to be understanding and sympathetic but sometimes when I have been having a really stressful week I guess it would be nice to have someone say "I will watch Lo go have a nice bath" you know? no other family members are willing or able to look after LO either so I am really dependent on my mum for this.
She has been like this for almost a year now, it all started when LO was born, I dunno what to think.
Thanks for your reply and advice, it's not that I am not sympathetic I just .. I dunno feel sad that my family can't be there for me.

Sometimes it takes a while to find the right medication to work. One version might work for some but not others an do it might be worth her going back to the doctors to switch meds. Also I think unless she wants to change/is ready to then no amount of therapy or pills will improve her mood. Pills wont make the problem go away, they just mask how you respond to the problems. Also maybe encourage your sister to either include your mum or back off from the housework as sometimes getting in a routine might help.

I know its a stretch but have you considered a babysitter?? Even if its only for a couple hours a week just to give you some down time.

My mum has been back to the doctor's many times and has had so many different types of medication I can't keep count, my sister only does all the house work because if she didn't it wouldn't get done. She has tried not doing it in the hopes my mum will.
I think once I have moved and settled in I will look at putting LO into a nursery one day a week, I worry because I am starting college in September and my mum said she would watch LO 3 days a week while I attend. I just like to be prepared. Maybe I will have to look into day care at the college just as a precaution.
Thanks for your reply