Will you do anything different "next time"?

[notquite]

I want to preface this by saying I'm sorry if something I say is upsetting. I am going to be very honest here, I kind of feel I need to be - as I have no one else to talk to about this.

Will you do anything different at all the next time you get pregnant?

I ask because I think I will... I think it would be involuntary, in some respects. Even now, nearly a year after the M/C (at 9.5 weeks), I still think, "What did I do wrong? Where did I mess up?" Though everyone says it wasn't my fault, it was probably some kind of "defect" or whatnot... I can't just accept that and stop thinking about it.

I wonder if maybe I didn't eat enough/eat the right things. Or maybe it was the artificial sweetener. I wonder about the acetaminophen that I was told (by the doctor) was okay to take for my headaches. Also about the prescriptions I didn't stop (for my asthma), because the risk if I stopped taking them would supposedly be greater. I don't want to have to think this way, but I can't help it.

So I don't know what I'll do - I think I'm going to be really scared of screwing things up again. I know for sure I will not take the acetaminophen. Probably will be more careful to avoid caffeine and artificial sweeteners as well. I don't know, I really don't.

And you know maybe, just MAYBE it was all because of how stressed and worried I was in the first place!! Last time I was worried because it was an unexpected pregnancy, I really didn't feel prepared in any way, I didn't feel like we could make it work (even though obviously we would have, someway). I don't want to be worried about "doing something wrong" so much that I get stressed again! Because stressing like that could be "wrong" itself!

I am rambling on now, so I will stop - but I wondered if anyone else had any thoughts on this?

 

[Beadette]

I think the same but you could have done EVERYTHING right and unfortunately you could have exactly the same result!

I gave up everything I was supposed to - it still happened yet I work with drug users who continue to shoot up, smoke and drink in pregnancy and go on to have healthy pregnancies.

You want to blame something and that's natural - we all do! But it's nothing you dud flower!

Lots of love xxxxxx

 

[Charliemarina]

Hey hunny firstly the way your feeling is totally normal and i know its been said to you but hun its not your fault its really not doc's are really good with knowing the risk's of med's and wouldn't let you keep takin then if would damage baby i promise you hun they can be sued big time in this case. I don't think i can personally do anything different i mean iv cut out all bad things months ago and i sadly still had a MC so i know for sure its nothing i did and same for you hunny. Thing is doc's are right MC is normally in most cases un stopable, now a defect sadly can happen at anytime it happens at conception but if that chromasone doesn't develop till later in baby growth then sadly like yourself you have a later loss but again not you fault hun. I think your doin everything you can and i do hope your next bean is sticky hun and

 

[goddess25]

I can understand, my first mc was early 6w5d and i didnt do anything wrong that i can tell apart from i went in a hot tub before i knew. I threatened to miscarry my son but didnt and i did everything right, my 2nd mc was a few weeks ago and i never did anything wrong either apart from fly. I went to the UK on holiday to visit friends and family and i miscarried while i was there but very early again at 5w, a friend told me that flying on a plane for a long period of time can cause miscarriages in early pregnancy... i cant find this anywhere but she told me her doctor told her that when she had one... now i feel guilty that it happened because of that and i was being irresponsible trying for a baby before long haul flights. I also have PCOS and mc rates are higher so no matter what happens to all of us i think ultimately we will feel a little bit guilty about it.
I dont think there is anything you can do different... tylenol is relatively safe but i agree i dont take it either and you never did anything harmful.
I hope you get your BFP soon.

 

[Ten]

I think we all try to pin it on something we did or didn't do... it's only natural to look for a little control (no matter how unpleasant) in a situation that's out of our hands and has no real explanation. If we can blame ourselves for something we did, it means we can do something different next time and prevent ever having to have our hearts break like this again.

If it makes you feel any better... I ate organic my entire pregnancy. I drank a quart of pregnancy tea every day without fail, never missed a prenatal vitamin, had no coffee, no alcohol, all the milk I could stomach, stayed away from all the environmental stuff they tell you to stay away from. I even brought my lunch in glass containers. I didn't lift anything heavy or overexert myself, but still exercised regularly. Even when I had the worst cold I have ever had in my life - for a MONTH! - I didn't have a single painkiller or any other kind of medication.

And you know what? It didn't save her.

So instead I started wondering - what if I hadn't complained about being morning sick? What if I hadn't wished that I could be done drinking the tea... or that I wasn't so tired... or...

But as my OH pointed out - none of those wishes were as strong as the wish I had to hold her, healthy and alive in my arms. So they don't count. And if complaints and uncertainty could end a pregnancy, the human race would've died out a long time ago.

Ultimately you do the best you can and trust that the species is resilient.

For next time, though, I bought a pair of those Sea Bands - I hear they work wonders for morning sickness, and that sounds lovely to me.

 

[Beadette]

Ten, I've said it before and I'll say it again - you flower are an inspiration! You seem
to be one of those people who can word things in just the right way! Brilliant! Xxxxxx

 

[Charliemarina]

I think we all try to pin it on something we did or didn't do... it's only natural to look for a little control (no matter how unpleasant) in a situation that's out of our hands and has no real explanation. If we can blame ourselves for something we did, it means we can do something different next time and prevent ever having to have our hearts break like this again.

If it makes you feel any better... I ate organic my entire pregnancy. I drank a quart of pregnancy tea every day without fail, never missed a prenatal vitamin, had no coffee, no alcohol, all the milk I could stomach, stayed away from all the environmental stuff they tell you to stay away from. I even brought my lunch in glass containers. I didn't lift anything heavy or overexert myself, but still exercised regularly. Even when I had the worst cold I have ever had in my life - for a MONTH! - I didn't have a single painkiller or any other kind of medication.

And you know what? It didn't save her.

So instead I started wondering - what if I hadn't complained about being morning sick? What if I hadn't wished that I could be done drinking the tea... or that I wasn't so tired... or...

But as my OH pointed out - none of those wishes were as strong as the wish I had to hold her, healthy and alive in my arms. So they don't count. And if complaints and uncertainty could end a pregnancy, the human race would've died out a long time ago.

Ultimately you do the best you can and trust that the species is resilient.

For next time, though, I bought a pair of those Sea Bands - I hear they work wonders for morning sickness, and that sounds lovely to me.

huns wow such a moving post and so very true in many aspects.
im also a serious morning sickness sufferer its called hypremesis i was given a sea band and i cant say i felt any different, i think there better for mild nausea like travel sickness and stuff but i got to say at least i tried, the only thing that ever stopped me being sick was ginger biscuits or tea and peppermint sweets and tea too they worked fab.
personally though with the sickness i get i end up on meds after being admitted to hosp for a week to be rehydrated the meds do not effect baby but do work very well for me.
i once asked my doc if being sick so much would effect baby she said no way, but i was convinced that id chucked up so much that it had to have effected my daughter some way my stomach was killing muscle wise but she is now 2 and perfectly healthy so the being sick dont worry me so much now.
xxxxxxx

 

[dollydingle]

Hi Ladies
I'm new here. I've been reading some TTC posts for a couple of months and thought it was about time to be brave and join in. It feels very scary to talk about things but maybe that means I need to. I am really pleased to see this new forum.

I miscarried my first ever pregnancy in Aug 09 at 11 weeks. It was awful. It still hurts. I miss my 'daughter' and I never even knew her.

The pregnancy wasn't planned. I missed some pills one weekend and thought it wouldn't matter. Ooops! We were both actually really happy though!

Now we are trying again but it's not happening. It so frustrating. I thnk something must be wrong with me.

My periods haven't even settled down. They are all over the place.

Anyway... I just wanted to say 'hello' and say something not just sit and read.

Ten - your DH said such a spot on thing didn't he?

 

[Beadette]

Welcome Dolly! It is good to talk!!!!

You will find a wealth of support on these boards and make some good 'virtual' friends in the process!

I'm so sorry for your loss - it was my first pregnancy too.

Don't worry about not being caught pregnant again hun (easier said than done) - I'm sure there is nothing wrong with you!

I really hope you get your BFP very soon! x x x x

 

[Ten]

Ten, I've said it before and I'll say it again - you flower are an inspiration! You seem
to be one of those people who can word things in just the right way! Brilliant! Xxxxxx

Thanks.

I'm glad my ramblings can bring comfort and hope.

 

[Ten]

Ten - your DH said such a spot on thing didn't he?

Yeah, he's a really amazing fellow. I was and am so blessed to have him... he even went to the store to get me corn dogs because it was the only thing that sounded edible to me... and I didn't want to go because there were people there who knew I was expecting and I knew I couldn't handle their questions.

Nothing quite like being married to a white knight.

 

[Lucia]

I think what you're feeling is totally normal. I sometimes wonder the same thing and its been over 4 months now since we lost our angel. I know one thing I plan to do next time around - not stress so much! I am sure it did not lead to the m/c, but I want to enjoy my pregnancy as much as I can and stressing out constantly doesn't allow me to do that.