wish i never got my bfp in the first place

Discussion in 'Miscarriage Support' started by dixiegal, Dec 14, 2009.

  1. dixiegal

    dixiegal Active Member

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    I have gained a lot of comfort and insight from reading your posts on this forum.

    I have PCOS and have been ttc for 2 years. I was just at the stage of grieving my infertility when I got a very unexpected BFP. My husband and I were over the moon to say the least and we told close family who were also overjoyed.

    I was the one saying to everyone "be cautious" and "it's very early (5 weeks)" but I obviously didn't believe that and allowed myself the happy thoughts and planning for our future.

    I miscarried at 6wks+2 last week. I am still bleeding. Still cramping and still crying. I feel like I have let everyone, including my baby, down.
    I am also feeling ashamed to be so upset when I think everyone else must be thinking "well it was only 6 weeks, some women haven't found out by then and just think it is their period."

    I was just wondering if anyone has experienced a feeling of wishing they had never got pregnant in the first place like I am today. No hope feels less sore than to have your hope taken away.

    Because of our struggle to conceive EVERYONE is saying "well at least you know you can get pregnant now" to comfort me and I know they don't mean any harm but i feel like screaming sarcastically at them "woopee-doo! I'm so happy I can make a baby then not keep it safe for long enough in my stupid body. that IS wonderful news"

    I know I'm ranting and I'm sorry if I have upset anyone but I wish I had never done that test. It just seems like a cruel trick now

    xx
     
  2. veganmum2be

    veganmum2be 1 Son two angels.

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    people are telling me at least you kow you can get pregnant, and i think exactly the same as what you have said.

    i was constantly saying to everyone, ''dont get excited its only early, things happen, etc etc'' i dont even know why as i had no idea miscarriage was so common, i guess part of me knew.

    part of me wishes i hadn't done a test, i was on contraception, so wouldn't had known had it been an early mc, however i had a mmc.
    my feelings are mixed.
    it hurts i know :hugs:
     
  3. Jaxvipe

    Jaxvipe Mom to Avianna

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    Im so sorry for your loss :hugs: :hugs: i know what you mean about the "atleast you know you can get pregnant" thing. Its like ya i know i can get pregnant now but that doesnt mean that i will be able to have the baby. :hugs: :hugs: We are always here for you when you need to vent/rant/anything
     
  4. Las78

    Las78 Mum to 3 beautiful girls

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    Hun, I'm so sorry.
     
  5. Rabiah

    Rabiah Well-Known Member

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    Hi Dixiegal

    I struggled with the thought: "why did I get pregnant in the first place if there was going to be this much agony". I fell pregnant so quickly after coming off the pill, then was giving birth to my dead son... Why did I have to have that? Why did I just not get pregnant at all...?

    I still don't have an answer. I have sort of come to terms with it now - that was how it had to be, that I learnt a lot about myself through the terrible process, that losing the baby made me genuinely grateful for all I have...Were these the lessons I had to learn?

    I don't know whether we ever find out exactly why - but each of us has to come to terms with it in our own way.

    Good luck and take care.
     
  6. shocker

    shocker Well-Known Member

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    I struggle with that same thought, i dont understand why i would be given such a gift but not allowed to keep it. Im so sorry for your loss hun, it doesnt matter how far along you were this was a little person you made, one you loved and cared for, its still a terrible loss hope your doin ok :hugs:
     
  7. trying4#1

    trying4#1 Well-Known Member

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    hi dixiegal - i know what you mean - i lost my baby at 22weeks and when that happened to me, i remember thinking "why did god bless me with the promise a BFp brings, to just take it all away in an instant?!"...i still sometimes feel that way...the "gutted" feeling never disappears, it just gets a teeny weeny bit easier to deal with over time. i think it doesnt matter when in a preg you lose a baby, the thought of "why did i get that BFP in the first place?" does still come into one's mind...you are not alone and we are all here to support you...i am really sorry for your loss...my thoughts are with you and your hub x
     
  8. dixiegal

    dixiegal Active Member

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    girls I am so sorry for each and every one of your losses. And I would like to thank each of you for your response to my post which came out of a dark hour of my day.

    Today I heard from EPU that instead of dropping away my HCG levels have risen by 50. So my levels are too low for a "viable" pregnancy, especially considering my blood and tissue loss, but something is still in there making the hormone. Off for a scan tomorrow to check for ectopic or retained "products" (such disgusting terminology for my little baby). I feel like my stupid body can''t do anything right-not even this.

    And so a long and drawn out painful process gets a little bit longer again.

    My thoughts are with you whatever stage of your journey you and your family are on

    Thank you again

    xxxxxx
     
  9. mika

    mika Well-Known Member

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    thinking of you xxx hope all goes as well as i can in this situation xxxxx
     
  10. Tulip

    Tulip Ruby <i>, Dils, Rowan

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    Thinking of you today dixie, I hope it goes as well as possible. Please try not to blame your body - there are so many things that can go wrong this early. Your body is a wonderful thing that will carry a baby safely for you one day - it really will.

    Lots of love xxx
     
  11. smidgen

    smidgen Mummy 2 Finlay & 4 angels

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    thinking of you today x
     
  12. dixiegal

    dixiegal Active Member

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    well yet another fob off from the wonderful NHS. Couldn't see anything on the scan but hcg levels are up 50 again today from yesterday. Course of action? more bloody blood tests tomorrow. I'm not leaving that unit till they give me some answers. This is just never ending :( thanks again for you support girls. think i might lose my mind before this is resolved xxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  13. tinybutterfly

    tinybutterfly Proud Mommy

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    i've felt like that... still do actually
    i rather would have had two more regular periods and have BFN's showing than this!
     

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