witts end with 16yr old..arrrgh!!!

[tiggerlix]

a rant sorry..
My 16yr old son is absalutly lazy!!! does nothing and expects everything..im sick of it.after agreeing to him giving up his plumbing college course as he didnt like it,we then helped him get on another course..traing to be a cheff.He did one flippin day and said he aint going back cus he had to wash up!!!! arrgh!!He had it well made,was gettn paid 360 a month plus gaining a qualification....but nooooo has left it.I totaly give up.He is bringing no money in now,and i get nothing for him.He eats me outta house and home and treats it like a doss house.I found out he has been smkng weed and im fuming.i just dont know what to do...Im sick of moaning at him and arguing.If it carrys on im this close to kicking him out.
who else has difficult teens?how have you handled them?
xx

 

[fluffyblue]

a rant sorry..
My 16yr old son is absalutly lazy!!! does nothing and expects everything..im sick of it.after agreeing to him giving up his plumbing college course as he didnt like it,we then helped him get on another course..traing to be a cheff.He did one flippin day and said he aint going back cus he had to wash up!!!! arrgh!!He had it well made,was gettn paid 360 a month plus gaining a qualification....but nooooo has left it.I totaly give up.He is bringing no money in now,and i get nothing for him.He eats me outta house and home and treats it like a doss house.I found out he has been smkng weed and im fuming.i just dont know what to do...Im sick of moaning at him and arguing.If it carrys on im this close to kicking him out.
who else has difficult teens?how have you handled them?
xx

OMG OMG have you just read my thread on the loss section you are reading my mind

I am going through exactly the same with mine. He quit college this year and ended up jobless, finally got an apprenticeship is earning 95 quid a week TAX FREE.

He doesnt smoke or anything and give him his due he is a grafter but his attitude stinks, he constantly answers back, moans, shouts argues with me and his sister its driving me nuts. My relationship with him is in tatters he has no respect for me.

He is on a night out tonight at one of the clubs in town for under 18 which finishes at one, he is in work at 7 tomorrow morning and we have told him not to drink. I guarantee he will, he also now has a GF and says he is old enough to stay out and he has these conversations via text message !!

Im right there with ya for needing advice hun x

 

[hypnorm]

I would be telling him that he has 'so long' to find a job, or find a course to do.
As you are not having him at home, if he has a college course then fine but you are not subsidising him sitting at home. Or if he gets a job he can contribute to the house funds.
Think you just have to be tough, and keep as you mean to go on.

If he is old enough to stay out then he is old enough to be responsible and get to work on his own steam, if he has a hang over then thats a problem he has to deal with. And pay keep towards the house.

 

[tiggerlix]

owww im so sorry.Yes its very much the same..thats what reuben was getting 95pds a week.Its just so upsetting and does affect the other children who are home.Reuben stays out and at times i can be waiting for hrs for him to come in and he doesnt.so means i go to bed leaving the door unlocked as he has lost his 2nd key.He doesnt even txt me alot of the time.He has no respect for me,none what so ever..and thats what hurts.same as you we are growing apart and sometimes i cant wait for him to go out,just to get outta my face,but he has pushed me way to far this time,although he doesnt seem to care.As long as he has food,clean washing he happy.Iv swore to myself over my dead body will i give him money,that is a no,no!!
I just dont know what to do either hun,and like you i have other children that i need to sort out..its sooo tiring at times,and upsetting.
xxx

 

[leeanne]

Dreading this stage!

to you ladies!

I definitely think I'd be giving him an ultimatum though. He can't continue like this and has to get his life in order for when he does move out on his own.

 

[skippy]

Saying that, I am 16 and have had to quit college due to my hemiplegic migraines and have been trying to get a job since but if you say "you have however long to get a job or I'll throw you out" you will probably end up throwing them out because it is IMPOSSIBLE to get a job at the moment. And my CV is full of excellent references, voluntary fundaraisers, respected jobs that someone with a degree would be proud to have...and this is all applying for jobs in supermarkets and clothes shops, etc. So believe me, it is VERY difficult to get a job at the moment..

 

[hypnorm]

Supermarkets are actually quite picky, but there are jobs out there.
You just take what is available at the time.
I know a few people who have been made redundtant and they have found other jobs.

 

[mrsraggle]

Not as a mum but my younger brother is similar. He left college after a month or two at 16 because he didn't like it and he's now only a few months off being 19 and still hasn't re-registered at college or got a job. It used to be down to laziness, I mean he gets job seekers so like £45 a week for doing nothing, but now he's actually lacking in confidence. He rarely goes outdoors even to walk the dog for fear of seeing people.

I'm worried for him, 3 years is a long time to explain on a CV and his CV has nothing on it! Nothing seems to work, Mum takes 50% of his job seekers for the house but even so £20 for doing nothing when he has nothing to spend it on goes quite a way! She doesn't want to kick him out but no other ultimatum works. She's tried saying, right, you have 4 weeks to get an interview but the 4 weeks ends and he hasn't got one and there's no consequence!

Sorry to hijack, I'm just worried for him. At his age, I had my first job and was living in a flat with my now husband. Just wish he'd buck up and do somethimg...!

 

[fluffyblue]

Saying that, I am 16 and have had to quit college due to my hemiplegic migraines and have been trying to get a job since but if you say "you have however long to get a job or I'll throw you out" you will probably end up throwing them out because it is IMPOSSIBLE to get a job at the moment. And my CV is full of excellent references, voluntary fundaraisers, respected jobs that someone with a degree would be proud to have...and this is all applying for jobs in supermarkets and clothes shops, etc. So believe me, it is VERY difficult to get a job at the moment..

It is difficult however there are jobs out there if you work with the right organisations, ben registered with Connexions who got him the apprenticeship he is doing quite well, he did apply for shop work etc just to get him over xmas but they dont take you on till you are 16 years and 9 months apparently.

 

[fluffyblue]

owww im so sorry.Yes its very much the same..thats what reuben was getting 95pds a week.Its just so upsetting and does affect the other children who are home.Reuben stays out and at times i can be waiting for hrs for him to come in and he doesnt.so means i go to bed leaving the door unlocked as he has lost his 2nd key.He doesnt even txt me alot of the time.He has no respect for me,none what so ever..and thats what hurts.same as you we are growing apart and sometimes i cant wait for him to go out,just to get outta my face,but he has pushed me way to far this time,although he doesnt seem to care.As long as he has food,clean washing he happy.Iv swore to myself over my dead body will i give him money,that is a no,no!!
I just dont know what to do either hun,and like you i have other children that i need to sort out..its sooo tiring at times,and upsetting.
xxx

Funnily enough Bens just lost his 2nd key last night, he didnt get in till 1.30 last night as he was at an Under 18's night at a club in town but I had him up at 6 for work and I went in and just switched the light on but I can tell he hadnt b een drinking so at least thats a first AND he didnt ask me for money this morning, so thats a second lol !

But with Ben this is a pattern we tend to have 4/5 good days then we have a crap spell but he has been told if he spoils xmas then he is out. Hubby is his stepdad and this is the first year he doesnt want to go to his dads over xmas and new year, in a way I do get this as he is nearly 17 and wants to see his mates and GF but hubby wont let him stay in the house alone cus he dont trust him !!!

I think you tend to give the other children more affection when going through this type of relationship and I do know that some of my sons anger is vented towards my relationship with my daughter but she is so full of love and affection and if she gets shouted at she is so sorry afterwards !

I dont mean to pry but what does his dad do in all of this ?

 

[Amanda]

I'm going through the same with Kayeigh hun.

We agreed she could leave college in October as she was doing retakes for no reason, and hated it. But I explained to her that I would lose over £200 a month in tax credits and child benefit, so if she could get a job that would enable her to give me £50 a week then I'd support her. She did, within a day!

All was well until last week when they laid them all off. Not Kayleigh's fault, some of the people had been there years. Since then, she's hardly tried. She just says that its impossible at this time of year. That doesn't help my purse though! Being 16, she can't sign on, and I get nothing. We were struggling before, now I'm dreading the new year.

Since losing her job, she's done nothing around the house. her room is a pigstye, and she's hardly here. She came home yesterday at 3pm after she'd been out since Friday afternoon (stayed at a friends). Went bed, got up for dinner, went back bed. Then got up about 11 today, lazed around while I was in bed ill. Her BF came round at 4pm and they've been upstairs since and I can guarantee her room won't be done. And she's staying at his tonight so she'll probably come down and go straight out. I don't ask for much, just a bit of thought for others. But no.

Just so you know you're not going through this alone hun.

 

[nikkip75]

my daughter is 14 so dont have the college or job problems yet!

But its the chat back that really annoys me

why do they have an answer for EVERYTHING! its always but but but!!

or its wasnt me, i found a dirty plate in my daughters clothes draw so when i said whats this plate doing in here your going to get all you clothes dirty shes says it wasnt me, i didnt put it there!! WELL WHO BLOODY DID THEN!!! the plate hiding fairies????

 

[Bingo]

Stop doing his washing, cooking his dinner and anything else that makes his life living with you a doddle. If he's old enough to leave school and stay out late then he's old enough to start taking some responsibility for himself by looking after himself and either getting a job or going to college full time. Also don't fund his laziness or bad behaviour. If he wants money, he needs to earn it by getting a job or going to college full time.

I hope things start changing for the better for you.

 

[tiggerlix]

owww im so sorry.Yes its very much the same..thats what reuben was getting 95pds a week.Its just so upsetting and does affect the other children who are home.Reuben stays out and at times i can be waiting for hrs for him to come in and he doesnt.so means i go to bed leaving the door unlocked as he has lost his 2nd key.He doesnt even txt me alot of the time.He has no respect for me,none what so ever..and thats what hurts.same as you we are growing apart and sometimes i cant wait for him to go out,just to get outta my face,but he has pushed me way to far this time,although he doesnt seem to care.As long as he has food,clean washing he happy.Iv swore to myself over my dead body will i give him money,that is a no,no!!
I just dont know what to do either hun,and like you i have other children that i need to sort out..its sooo tiring at times,and upsetting.
xxx

Funnily enough Bens just lost his 2nd key last night, he didnt get in till 1.30 last night as he was at an Under 18's night at a club in town but I had him up at 6 for work and I went in and just switched the light on but I can tell he hadnt b een drinking so at least thats a first AND he didnt ask me for money this morning, so thats a second lol !

But with Ben this is a pattern we tend to have 4/5 good days then we have a crap spell but he has been told if he spoils xmas then he is out. Hubby is his stepdad and this is the first year he doesnt want to go to his dads over xmas and new year, in a way I do get this as he is nearly 17 and wants to see his mates and GF but hubby wont let him stay in the house alone cus he dont trust him !!!

I think you tend to give the other children more affection when going through this type of relationship and I do know that some of my sons anger is vented towards my relationship with my daughter but she is so full of love and affection and if she gets shouted at she is so sorry afterwards !

I dont mean to pry but what does his dad do in all of this ?

thankgod reuben was well behaved over xmas..so pleased with that.Reubens dad passed away almost 3 yrs ago,he was 31,and worse of all it was suicide.we had some issues about that but he seemed to come through it.IReuben was with connexions..and they were amazing.Im hoping he goes back to his chef course,he said he is thinking about it.Fingers crossed he will.
xxx

 

[fluffyblue]

Hey hun im so sorry I didnt mean my question to cause you any distress.

Do you think his dads death could be some of the issues?

Ben was exceptionally behaved over Christmas and spent the whole day with us downstairs and playing with his sister, had to pinch him a couple of times to see if it was him lol.

I hope Reuben continues his good behaviour doesnt it make life so much easier when they do I feel so relaxed at min and not on a knife edge !

 

[fluffyblue]

I'm going through the same with Kayeigh hun.

We agreed she could leave college in October as she was doing retakes for no reason, and hated it. But I explained to her that I would lose over £200 a month in tax credits and child benefit, so if she could get a job that would enable her to give me £50 a week then I'd support her. She did, within a day!

All was well until last week when they laid them all off. Not Kayleigh's fault, some of the people had been there years. Since then, she's hardly tried. She just says that its impossible at this time of year. That doesn't help my purse though! Being 16, she can't sign on, and I get nothing. We were struggling before, now I'm dreading the new year.

Since losing her job, she's done nothing around the house. her room is a pigstye, and she's hardly here. She came home yesterday at 3pm after she'd been out since Friday afternoon (stayed at a friends). Went bed, got up for dinner, went back bed. Then got up about 11 today, lazed around while I was in bed ill. Her BF came round at 4pm and they've been upstairs since and I can guarantee her room won't be done. And she's staying at his tonight so she'll probably come down and go straight out. I don't ask for much, just a bit of thought for others. But no.

Just so you know you're not going through this alone hun.

Hiya hun welcome to the thread, I know the feeling with lost money Bens exit from college is gonna cost me £230 quid a month and im only asking him for £15.00 quid a week in board and he is disputing that !

Just a note if she registers with Connexions you will get your tax credits for 20 weeks more as well as CB I have mine till March 2010 when it will stop.

 

[lemily]

You have to sit him down and spell it out to him. Ask him first of all if he sees himself as an adult or as a child. He will probably say adult. In order to be treated as an adult, he has to display adult like qualities. If he does not, he will be treated like a child. As a child in your home he must submit to your rules and obey them or he will face punishment. If he wishes to live in your home as an adult, he must obey to a set of conditions that you both hash out together and sign together. These conditions must be agreed on by both parties, and any breaking of these conditions will result in stricter punishments (as is the adult world). For example, a child breaking a rule may be grounded or have certain privilidges taken away. An adult, on the other hand, upon not adhering to adult conditions, may face having items pawned if they owe money to you, or may face being asked to leave if the breaking of the condition was serious enough. These conditions MUST be in writing. It must be clear to him exactly what is expected of him.

Second, it must be clear to him about the money in the house. For example, you must spell out to him, using a table if necessary, how much basics cost. Show him your receipts and bills and show him how much your receive if he is in education and how much you have lost by him leaving education. If he is to live as an adult in your home he must contribute either a) monetarily (by getting a job) or b) through an agreed work schedule with yourself. This could be doing your housekeeping. Spell out the terms of these jobs just like a standard job. If he does a poor job, then he has not fulfilled his part of the agreement and you should have the right to remove a possession and pawn it in order to get some cash. He will soon learn.

Third, you are not his friend. You are his parent. He may very well say he hates you whether you are cooking his meals or not. This is a difficult time for him and he will love and respect you more in the future if there are clear boundaries and consistency in your approach to him. He may say hurtful things. He doesn't mean them, he is simply learning how to be adult in his approach to difficult situations. This will take time and will only stop with increased maturity gained from interactions with people who won't take his crap.

About the drug use, say if he moves out and lives in his own apartment then it is his perogative. However, if he continues to live under your roof, and it continues to the extent where he is keeping drugs in your home, or is unable to keep a job and/or fulfill his agreed duties, then you will call the police. Tell him what jeopardy a conviction, even a warning could have for his future career. If he ever needs a criminal records check to work in a school or a hospital, or to go abroad (for example to America) he would not be able to do so. Even cautions are taken seriously for these things, and that bag of weed suddenly becomes more serious.

Also, about his education, remind him of the age restriction on acquiring one. Once you turn 19 you are not entitled a) to free further education or b) to any assistance while you are studying e.g. EMA. An A-level can cost £200, so to do 3-4 could be prohibitively expensive if by 19 he is also trying to pay for his own accommodation.

It is a difficult age I agree and I know that what I am suggesting seems a) harsh, and b) perhaps unworkable. I speak from experience though. My mum tried to be my friend, and when I acted up, did not give me sanctions consistently to the point where I didn't take her seriously. I called her every name under the sun. I didn't think she cared about me. Little did I know what she was going through at the time, and how I made her feel. I sat down with her and had the conversation about adult versus child. I tried to live with her for a further few months. Eventually she had no choice to kick me out. Looking back, I deserved it. Best thing she ever did for me. I spent a year living with a friend and her mother until I finished school and then moved city to go to a better college. I shared a house with 3 others and learnt how difficult it was to look after myself and how much my mum actually did. I lived on the poverty line and learnt from it. And now, I have the best relationship with my mum of most of my friends. Sometimes you have to let them go to let them grow.

Be clear, be consistent, be calm, be firm, be fair, and don't threaten without the balls to back it up.

If you feel he is struggling since his dad died, try and seek him some help. Also try and find an 'ally' whether it is family or friend, someone neutral whom he may be able to talk to and tell things that he might not feel comfortable bothering you with. This friend will only tell you what he has said if he is in danger or his safety is compromised. He may need some fatherly guidance.

About inspiring his future, this will come when he realises the reality of the world. When he realises how much money he requires to live, and how much money he would need for a nicer lifestyle, he may be more inspired to go resume his education in order to get out of a dead end job.

I hope any of this helps you, and if you have any questions, please ask.

 

[fluffyblue]

Just wondering how u r getting on hunni xx

 

[WannaB]

Oh I feel for you ladies! My daughter turns 16 in June and the "Good Times" started last year! I agree with the making him do all his washing, cooking etc for himself, if his clothes start to walk by themself Im sure he will get the idea! I have the same thing with the not cleaning and just basically no reguard for how much things costs etc. I actually took the light bulb out of her room and hid all the spares and gave her just one roll of loo paper, boy did she smarten up for awhile, and hell I got a giggle out of it! But yeah it basically teaters between angel and devil and I dare say until the hormones settle and shes on her own earning a living things will stay up and down! Hope it at least settles down for you all so you can have some brief periods of sanity and peace in the house!

 

[pudgies]

I'm not sure what to say really, i think everyone else has covered it.
I'm almost 17 and tbh i don't even know what to say, because i do know a lot of guys like him, who quit college and wont get a job and just live off their parents.
I can only suggest completely not doing anything for him, If he thinks he's old enough to stop respecting his mother, then i would just let him fend for himself.

My sister went through a phaise much like this at 17, quit college, but did get a job, she moved out a few months later on a council estate with her new boyfriend :\

I would say just strip away everything, computer, phone, t.v, everything extra in his room until he sorts him self out.

:\ I never understand why people my age act out like this!