Womens View

[daveww]

in a lot off threads i have read on this forum , quite a lot of Mums are pretty ****** of at how the fob has not stepped up and been a Dad . do most Mums want the fob to be a dad and even in some cases it seems force them when clearly the fob should never need to be forced and should stand up and do it himself if he has had a child ? ... or do most women not want the fob to be involved? .... i only ask because of my situation and am trying to understand why a mother would stop a father seeing a child when it seems so many women on this forum want the fob to be a Dad

 

[Dezireey]

I initially didn't see it as forcing my FOB because I saw it as making him see sense? Like when someone gives you the most absurd answer to a question or their debate in an argument is so off the wall, you try and tell them what they are saying is ridiculous and has no reason to it? But after some time and calming down, I have realised that yes, you should not force a man to be a father if he does not want to, as it will cause more problems.

I am focused totally on my child. I did not want to deprive my child of a father if I could help it. I would quite happily have accepted the 'I do not love you or want to be with you but will be there for the baby' speech, one million times more than the 'I do not want to know my kid' speech. That hurts way more than personal rejection as I already want to do everything to protect and look after my baby and I feel that this will hurt his heart at some point in his life. If FOB came around after baby is born, even years later, I would still let him have access etc as that is what I feel is best for my child.

 

[Laura2919]

Well you can't force anyone to do what they don't want to do so I don't think it's forcing as such. When I was with FOB he was a lazy shit but he was here emotionally for the girls, would do little things for them, have them once in a while when I wanted to go out without them but we argued about the same things, he was lazy and didn't do anything much. When we split up I said straightaway he would have them every other weekend and one day during the week to which he agreed, he called or popped round to see the girls every other day until he met his girlfriend then it became less and less, he still has Chloe and Jaycee every other weekend but he doesn't have them through the week and he only phones once.

Like I said, you cannot force someone to do it but you can try and get them to understand, I know full well when it's FOB's weekend his mum mostly looks after them while he does whatever he wants so I just don't say anything anymore.. I let him do whatever he likes because the only person he will have to answer to is the twins...

 

[Mammy2Joojx]

i wouldn't call it forcing, but i've had to really really REALLY push for him to see my son. He only started showing interest when my son was 2.5 yearss old as he can now 'do fun things' with him. He said when i gave birth & LO was 2 weeks old that he wouldn't be there alot until LO was older as newborns are boring!

 

[Crumbsx]

It's not neccisarily forcing.
With my FOB he was abusive. I didn't realise until we split up when I was pregnant. It all got worse when I was pregnant.
However, I still have tried to 'nudge' him to be an active part in LOs life and just gave him opportunity after opportunity. It's not forcing, it's just giving him the option. So he can never say I stop him forming a relationship and being part of LOs life.

But. Although I do want him to be part of LOs life. The way he's acting ATM and what he's saying, means I'm starting to wish he would just go away and leave us alone. I know in the long run if he continues the way he is, his involvement won't be beneficial for my LO and will just cause unnecessary emotional upset. But he is her father, and I'm her mother here to pick up the pieces.

Who am I to say my LO can't see her dad? I just have to protect her as much as possible. However eventually there will be a cut off point.

 

[MumToBe2012]

Well I don't know why a mother would stop the FOB seeing their child unless they are mentally or physically dangerous, because I find that selfish because it's about the child not the parents.

My baby hasn't been born yet, but I would never force FOB to see the baby. I WANT him there for her, because as much as I feel that a person can survive without both parents, it's always beneficial to have both if it's possible. However, I feel that forcing FOB to see LO when he doesn't want to will cause more problems and hurt than if he was never there so for that reason if FOB comes round then good, but if not my LO will still have me.

 

[dustbunny]

It is a tricky one. At first I wanted FOB to be involved with the pregnancy and the baby and everything. I broke up with him thinking he would change... stupid me!!! If anything he just proved how immature and nasty he was, blaming me for everything, sending messages/texts/phonecalls about how I was immature. He didn't get a job and when I asked how the job search was going and the money front he told me I was out of line asking. I last tried to include him on boxing day and he never got back to me on anything... I have paid for everything, I have gained 3 jobs and I am still working at nearly 33 weeks, on my feet constantly as I work in a hospital and I am on rota till I am 35 weeks.

Part of me was expecting something today, a nasty letter in the post or a bunch of flowers with a nasty little card but so far nothing. So as of today... no... I don't want him involved anymore at all. He had his chance but was more than happy to sit on his ass and to say a dad is a dad once a baby is born is horribly sexist and unfair. I stepped up and he sat back down... and I don't like liars or people who try to be manipulative or an emotionally bully and I do not think my daughter should be subjected to someone like that. And as for his mother... well... she tried to take her own kids to America behind their fathers backs so... she is a tad manipulative as well.

As you have quite rightly said... a dad should want to be a dad but be involved in everything, not just the nice side. In for a penny in for a pound... they were happy enough to have sex so... you know where I am going with that one. Hehe!

But on a serious note, I do feel I am fully justified in not wanting FOB involved anymore.

 

[teal]

Definitely agree that you can't force someone to be a father.

I gave FOB one last chance a few months ago. It took a lot to track him down and I received nothing but abuse.

If he ever does come around then he'll have to take me to court before I'd let him see my son.

 

[Laura2919]

It's obviously different for you because your in the reverse to us but you haven't not wanted to see your daughter, your ex is stopping you from seeing her.
Some men just aren't worthy of the right in my opinion!

 

[BadassMom]

My FOB is actually very involved emotionally in the pregnancy so far, has gone to all the doctor's appts ect. He hasn't done anything financially yet but he just got a job (surprise, surprise) so if he can actually keep it and not quit he might help out that way (I'm not counting on it though). Anyway, once the baby is born we're going to work out a schedule of times he can come over my house and visit. The only thing I'm really worried about is after I'm done breastfeeding I don't want my LO to go and stay over nights with him. This isn't because of FOB, it's because he's currently living at his cousin's house, who has all kinds of illegal stuff going on, and my child will never step foot in it. If FOB had his own place to live, and it was nice, I would let LO stay over nights with him, but for now no way.

 

[peapod11]

I initially didn't see it as forcing my FOB because I saw it as making him see sense? Like when someone gives you the most absurd answer to a question or their debate in an argument is so off the wall, you try and tell them what they are saying is ridiculous and has no reason to it? But after some time and calming down, I have realised that yes, you should not force a man to be a father if he does not want to, as it will cause more problems.

I am focused totally on my child. I did not want to deprive my child of a father if I could help it. I would quite happily have accepted the 'I do not love you or want to be with you but will be there for the baby' speech, one million times more than the 'I do not want to know my kid' speech. That hurts way more than personal rejection as I already want to do everything to protect and look after my baby and I feel that this will hurt his heart at some point in his life. If FOB came around after baby is born, even years later, I would still let him have access etc as that is what I feel is best for my child.

this is exactly how i am feeling, i told my mum that i was going to send him the scan picture in the post to which she was not happy with. but like you its not for me at all i have expected that we are over its not expecting that he doesnt want to know our baby which is so innocent in everyway. i would love that i dont love you but want to be a great daddy speech any day and in my head at the moment that is the prefect outcome.


dave, i dont think its a good idea forcing someone to be a dad, i want my fob to wake up and understand this all by himself, and choose to be in my babies life because he loves it, not because i have nagged him everyday and its to shut me up, if anything i think that will only push him away futher. to your response and i dont no your MOB or the situation around this, but some women use their babies against the FOB because of how things ended in their relationship or any reason they think fit. i personally would never use this, as i dont think this way is in the best interest of the child, she is not putting her childs feelings first. if i were u i would make note somewhere of everytime you try and make contact and the response she gives you, because you can proove to your daughter in later life that you tried eveything to see her... this is what i will be doing with my FOB so he can never say to my child that mummy didnt let me see you, as an excuse to get out of his action.
i hope this works out for you, and wish my FOB wanted to see our child half as much as your trying to see yours.
x

 

[lou_w34]

My daughter is just over two years old now, and FOB has seen her a grand total of two times... the last time being nearly over a year ago now.

He asks to see her, i say yes, he never shows up. The only reason he saw her for a second time was because i made the effort to drive her down to where he lives.

One of the excuses he gave me for not turning up was 'i didnt want to get the train incase i fell asleep on it'... but generally, when he doesnt turn up i dont hear from him for a few months, as he hopes it will be enough time for me to forget about last time... then the cycle repeats again, he asks, i say yes, he never shows up.

He recently got back in touch again, i told him that this was his final chance to turn up and see his daughter... he never showed up and ignored all my calls.

I deff agree you cant force anyone to be a parent. I feel i tried my best, but i have to draw a line somewhere, its coming to a point where my LO is getting to remeber everyone in her life, i dont want him to be in and out of her life. He is either in it for the long haul, or he is out completley.

He can mess me around as much as he likes, i refuse to let my daughter feel like she has done something wrong because he cant be bothered to see her. To be honest i feel like the time has come to cut him out now, i dont no how much more me and LO can be put through, he cant expect to ask her to her whenever he likes but never actually turn up.

Your situation is different though, your daughter will alway no how hard you tried no matter what happens

 

[daveww]

thank you very much for all your responses it took me a little while to reply because each response made me think quite a lot ! ... i think its great how so many women on here seem to not only want fob in the childs life but have made particular efforts to try and encourage that to happen , i think the main reason i asked the question was to better understand the situation im in ... it has'nt really helped lol because from what i can gather from your responses is that aslong as a fob does not pose a risk emotionally or physically and turns up to agreed places and times then you would not stand in the way... soooo im still thinking lol

 

[FTMSoExcited]

I totally want the FOB to be involved but I try not to force it. He's been not only my "lover" off and on for almost 7-8 years but he is a good friend of mine and I know in my heart that no matter what happens between him and I, as far as trying to make it work in a relationship, that he WILL be there for our baby.

It has though put quite a strain on things between us because of his fear and unwillingness to commit. Its a pretty strange and sticky situation that I'm in but i'm seeing a therapist to try and help me sort it all out.

I feel as though as long as the FOB isn't physically or emotionally abusive then he shouldn't be denied rights to be there for his child. But its not something that he should be forced to do as well. A good support system is all that is needed!!! But i'm a first time mother so I'm no expert on this, I'm just speaking from my heart.


Good Luck to you all!!

I'm 11 weeks and DUE September 3rd! I hope to have a signature soon, but I'm new to the site so they won't let me yet.

 

[MommaAlexis]

For me FOB has two kids in which he's walked in and out of their lives from day one. He's not stable, doesn't support them, and only turns up when it's convenient to him. He ran after my first ultrasound after being together for 2-3 years and it being a planned pregnancy. For that reason I will fight for sole custody. Preferably no visitation, because I doubt he'll show up anyways. I don't trust him to stick around. He's already proven he doesn't with his other kids, and considering he's already ran once on me since being pregnant, I will not be giving him the chance to hurt my LO. He needs to work like HELL to prove himself stable, which isn't going to happen. I will make it as hard as humanely possible to get custody, because if he tries hard enough to get visitation, then he's proved he's willing to work to be in their lives. If he gives up, so be it. It sounds mean, but it's the only way I could know he won't just run out on mine too.

 

[LoveMyBugg x]

I don't force it. Actually, I put no effort into it. But I won't stop him either, nor will I make it entirely difficult. Sure if he contacts me after months of absolutely nothing and wants to see her it's him that's gotta work around MY busy schedule. I'm in school working and raising her alone with not a single penny from him ever.

Not my fault he does absolutely jack for her. I'm not gonna lie to her when she asks either. In all honesty, she'll have a daddy. Just not him. & as horrible as it may sound, i prefer it that way.

x



your situation can't be like mine though as you're obviously involved here, or trying.

 

[dustbunny]

For me FOB has two kids in which he's walked in and out of their lives from day one. He's not stable, doesn't support them, and only turns up when it's convenient to him. He ran after my first ultrasound after being together for 2-3 years and it being a planned pregnancy. For that reason I will fight for sole custody. Preferably no visitation, because I doubt he'll show up anyways. I don't trust him to stick around. He's already proven he doesn't with his other kids, and considering he's already ran once on me since being pregnant, I will not be giving him the chance to hurt my LO. He needs to work like HELL to prove himself stable, which isn't going to happen. I will make it as hard as humanely possible to get custody, because if he tries hard enough to get visitation, then he's proved he's willing to work to be in their lives. If he gives up, so be it. It sounds mean, but it's the only way I could know he won't just run out on mine too.

I think this is such a strong post and you are such a strong person. I completely agree, sometimes men do need to fight for their responsibilities because not only does it prove to the system he wants to be involved but also to you as the mother.