Worried, scared anxiety through the roof

[srm0421]

Ok so I have been having a really hard time this pregnancy with not feeling guilty, I posted in my journal but my very kind very positive friends say I should just disassociate the two pregnancies and let go of some of my grief. It has been so hard dealing with my guilt. If I am happy about this pg I feel guilty for "betraying" Gage, if I am not happy about being pg I feel guilty for betraying this baby. Around and around it goes. I am also deathly afraid to hope and find out I will lose this child too. I have been crying more and more missing Gage and asking why. I thought I would feel better with time but I am facing a wave of pain lately and don't know how to feel or how to not feel. I find out the sex this friday but I am scared to know that too. I just can't wait. Sorry for rambling just stressed out.

 

[mumatmadhouse]

I am so sorry for the loss of Gage. I cant begin to imagine how you feel and what you have been through. your loss is still quite fresh so i am not surprised you are so unsure of what to feel but i really do think your Gage would want you to be happy and enjoy this pregnancy, maybe Gage sent this baby to help heal you and your family.
Have you had any help in dealing with your grief? maybe some grief counselling could help you work through how you are feeling right now.

 

[srm0421]

No I have not had any professional help, I had some medication for the 1st 3 months for sleeping and anxiety but stopped those on my own. Truthfully I don't feel depressed, I have been depressed before so I know the signs, I still smile and laugh and live my life and all the while miss Gage. He is a part of me and so is his loss. I think I have done well with handling my grief and I do enjoy the pg I have right now. I am just scared and sad but I won't miss Gage any less just because I have this baby and that is how I feel people expect me to act. It is like they have grown tired of my grief and that hurts too because it makes me feel like I can not share on my bad days.

 

[kali131]

I am so sorry for your loss.

And congratulations on your big news! I think it's totally normal to be conflicted in your feelings. And what I've begun to understand is that people who have not experienced a loss, have a very hard time understanding what you are going through. Perhaps there is a support group in your neighborhood, or maybe you could ask around a prenatal class and see if there are any woman going through the same thing as you.

These boards are a wonderful resource, but sometimes it's nice to be able to go for a tea with someone in real life.