wracked with guilt re: formula feeding

[socitycourty]

My Lo is just over 6 weeks old. We had a bad start beginning with her head getting stuck way up and not descending even though I labored for 30 hours and had a fever and infection and eventually went to EMCS.

My milk did not come in for 5 days. She was severely jaundiced and had to stay in the NICU and they also had to give her formula as she lost over 12% of her body weight the few days we were in the hosp.

when we went home the bf'ing was ok as my milk finally came in. I knew about the cluster feeding and etc. so I didn't really doubt my supply or anything like that.

however she was extremely uncomfortable all the time, screamed, cried, never slept, etc. she also vomited profusely after every nursing.

I tried eliminating and etc. but hated watching her suffer just so I could push on bf'ing.

her pediatrician said I could either keep trying elimination diet and pump/save (my supply was already messed up at this point from not eating hardly a thing) or try formula.

I started giving her similac sensitive formula and she was so much happier. she sleeps now, she smiles, instead of just screaming and being miserable

now I'm pretty much almost dried up and filled with regret. I feel like a failure even though bf'ing was obviously not making her happy. I wanted to do the full year and etc, after the lactation consultants came to my hospital room I thought I would never do formula. well, 2 days later they were giving it to her in the nursery anyway

also when I tried to google about formula feeding routines and etc all I saw was things saying breast is best and formula is awful, gross, etc.

even though she is happier and of course still thriving i feel I made a mistake and feel badly about myself. I don't know why really.

both my sister and I were only FF and we're both healthy, normal etc. I have a great immune system an above average IQ and an iron stomach.

IDK why I am feeling like this. maybe hormones I guess. anyway just a vent

 

[Liesje]

You're me a few months ago, right down to the 12% loss and jaundice except my baby was 5 rams away from being admitted and just barely squeaked by the admitting weight.
I recently started taking domperidone and omg what a difference. It feels like the greedy little secret everyone was keeping from me!
Maybe try talking to your doctor for a prescription? If all else fails, I think as babies get older they kind of get an understanding of what breastfeeding is all about and it CAN improve so all hope isn't lost yet.
And like you said, lots of people were formula fed and they're fine, I think the guilt is just a new mom thing before we can feel guilty about more things.

 

[bumpin2012]

That's a normal reaction, I think. You had a very rough start, and it's going to take some time to get past the hurt if not being able to continue. You did what was absolutely the best thing for you're baby, do not doubt that for a second.

When I had to stop, it was because my baby refused to latch. I couldn't pump enough to maintain my supply and I dried up. I cried for 3 straight days. I cried every time I saw someone else bf their child for 2 weeks. I still cry when I think about how badly I wanted to do it. But I promise you, it gets a little easier every day, knowing that my child is growing, he is healthy, and happier, because he isn't stressed and hungry. Allow yourself to grieve, but don't let it swallow you up, just hope the next baby is a breeze!

Massive

 

[vintage67]

I don't know if I can say anything that will be helpful or not. I know you are familiar with me; I've had two unsuccessful breastfeeding journeys.

The internet is the worst place to be when you are dealing with breastfeeding grief. Of course, the ladies in the sticky at the top of this page have all been there, and we're here for you.

Since your baby is only a month old, you could try relactation. Now this is where you will have to do some soul searching. This will take masses of around the clock pumping and taking herbal supplements. You will have to pump every 2-3 hours around the clock without fail. It might work. And it might not. And you have a one month old baby to take care of, and you're probably not 100% yet from your traumatic birth.

I've been on that pumping-go-round with my first son complete with herbal supplements, dual grade pump, mother's milk tea, oatmeal and meditation. My supply never increased and my son never mastered a latch. He continued to suffer lip quivering low blood sugar incidents even after being at home for two weeks. I became suicidal, and well, the whole story is in the sticky thread at the top.

I was sure that things would be better with baby #2 and ended up in the hospital 11 days with a post partum staph infection when he was a week old. Supply never recovered and I was very ill for several weeks, even left the hospital with a drainage tube. Again, that's the short version.

Like I said, you can enter the path of relactation and I'm sure that many people on here would encourage you to do just that for reasons I won't go into. If you go down that path, I wish you all the success in the world and I could give you tons of tips that didnt work for me but might work for you. (I even meditated imagining waterfalls with an article of my baby's clothes over my face to inhale his smell. I was nothing if not determined.)

Here's the thing. People will say "failure wasn't an option." Failure is always an option in everything we do; everyday that we take a breath. Failure is one door shutting, not every door shutting.

You have a very demanding job taking care of a one month old, keeping her bottles clean and ready, changing her diapers, loving and cuddling her. You have years and years to be the best mother you can be to her. These days when she is little are very precious and go by sooooooo fast. You can spend them attached to a pump and possibly be successful, or you can try and relax and enjoy every milestone and smile. Because giving up the BF journey can be so hard, it is sometimes best to exhaust every run at it that you can. I very much feel that I did that, and even now I can be pulled into a mire of guilt by reading the very inconsiderate comments that others make.

No one knows what it was like to be in your situation but you. I am sorry that you are hurting. Congratulations on the new baby. You are always welcome in the Loss of Breastfeeding Grief support thread. We have had a variety of problems; low to no supply, poor latch, medication conflicts, tongue ties, baby ill, mother ill, etc. You are not alone. And there's not a lazy mom in the bunch.

 

[socitycourty]

I don't know if I can say anything that will be helpful or not. I know you are familiar with me; I've had two unsuccessful breastfeeding journeys.

The internet is the worst place to be when you are dealing with breastfeeding grief. Of course, the ladies in the sticky at the top of this page have all been there, and we're here for you.

Since your baby is only a month old, you could try relactation. Now this is where you will have to do some soul searching. This will take masses of around the clock pumping and taking herbal supplements. You will have to pump every 2-3 hours around the clock without fail. It might work. And it might not. And you have a one month old baby to take care of, and you're probably not 100% yet from your traumatic birth.

I've been on that pumping-go-round with my first son complete with herbal supplements, dual grade pump, mother's milk tea, oatmeal and meditation. My supply never increased and my son never mastered a latch. He continued to suffer lip quivering low blood sugar incidents even after being at home for two weeks. I became suicidal, and well, the whole story is in the sticky thread at the top.

I was sure that things would be better with baby #2 and ended up in the hospital 11 days with a post partum staph infection when he was a week old. Supply never recovered and I was very ill for several weeks, even left the hospital with a drainage tube. Again, that's the short version.

Like I said, you can enter the path of relactation and I'm sure that many people on here would encourage you to do just that for reasons I won't go into. If you go down that path, I wish you all the success in the world and I could give you tons of tips that didnt work for me but might work for you. (I even meditated imagining waterfalls with an article of my baby's clothes over my face to inhale his smell. I was nothing if not determined.)

Here's the thing. People will say "failure wasn't an option." Failure is always an option in everything we do; everyday that we take a breath. Failure is one door shutting, not every door shutting.

You have a very demanding job taking care of a one month old, keeping her bottles clean and ready, changing her diapers, loving and cuddling her. You have years and years to be the best mother you can be to her. These days when she is little are very precious and go by sooooooo fast. You can spend them attached to a pump and possibly be successful, or you can try and relax and enjoy every milestone and smile. Because giving up the BF journey can be so hard, it is sometimes best to exhaust every run at it that you can. I very much feel that I did that, and even now I can be pulled into a mire of guilt by reading the very inconsiderate comments that others make.

No one knows what it was like to be in your situation but you. I am sorry that you are hurting. Congratulations on the new baby. You are always welcome in the Loss of Breastfeeding Grief support thread. We have had a variety of problems; low to no supply, poor latch, medication conflicts, tongue ties, baby ill, mother ill, etc. You are not alone. And there's not a lazy mom in the bunch.

your post made me tear up! in a good way. I have read your stories and admire all the work you put in trying to BF. I agree that people can be so cruel. My sister also lost her BF journey early due to low supply, she was quite depressed for a while and nothing could cheer her. She got over it eventually but she was totally crushed....

my grandma had problems BF'ing too. She said her milk just flat out never came in. she said she was glad there was formula to be had and what else would she have done if it wasn't around?

I am trying to look at it in a positive light. In the midst of my guilt and teary day I looked up relactation on google. I don't know if I have a: the time and b: the home support needed to do that. My DH works like 60 hours a week. I am here most of the time with LO by myself. I don't want to be attached to the machine day in and day out....

it is a very painful choice to make yet she is doing so much better on the bottles and I thought that would make me feel better. In time I guess it will

thank you so much for the responses. I have not mentioned this to anyone IRL I think my mom would think I'm being silly and my sister already knows what it's like

 

[eulmh82]

My baby was jaundiced and had to have photo therapy - the breast feeding never happened for us - I expressed and gave him my milk for 4 weeks and then I made the decision to stop. I felt guilty but you said it yourself your b aby is so much happier now. In this instance this shows you breast is not always best!

 

[Bumblebee117]

I felt so sad and upset when my son started refusing the breast after ONE bottle of expressed breast milk and after 2 weeks of pumping and bottle feeding my son and breast feeding my daughter I decided to slowly mix formula into the ebm and life was easier. I could actually do stuff with my babies and didn't just have to sit there pumping and feeding.

I know how you feel but sometimes we just have to do what is easier or better for our babies.

Don't feel guilty, you can still express for let's say one bottle a day if you want to give some of your antibodies to LO. My son has mainly formula and gets about 4oz of ebm a day and that makes me feel much better about only breastfeeding one of my twins.

By the time they are 6 months they will only get one bottle of ebm a day each... And I started off wanting to ebf both for 1 year!

Sending you lots of xx

 

[StaceyKor]

I felt the exact same way hun. I exclusively breastfed my daughter in hospital, even though she was diagnosed as having a tongue tie and there was huge doubt over her ability to latch on properly. The one night we stayed in hospital she literally constantly was trying to latch on, 13 hours of sheer torture for us both. She ended up exhausted due to getting no milk at all. We saw a lactation specialist who said the tongue tie may be causing it, but my hospital cant perform the op to fix it so itd be around 4 weeks before she could get her referral. I kept persevering as I really was determined to breastfeed. By the time we got home both nipples were actually cracked, blistered and bleeding due to her inability to latch efficiently. I dreaded her wanting to feed and was actually becoming afraid to touch her. It was my DH and parents who basically demanded i switch to formula or i'd end up depressed. I reluctantly agreed and from her very first bottle she has fed like a wee trooper. She can take the bottle easily even with her tongue tie. For the first week or so i was so down, felt like a failure. I tried to express, but between making bottles, changing her, feeding her and trying to keep on top of chores I just didnt manage to do it regular enough. My milk very quickly dried up . Thing is, i now see exactly how hungry she is lol, and how well she has come on using formula. I doubt I could have kept up with her demands. 5 weeks on I'm now happy with my choice as I really feel it was best for us both in the end xx

 

[kat2504]

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad about it - but do remember that formula is not arsenic in a bottle and it is heavily regulated these days. At the end of the day you are feeding your baby and you are doing it with love. Love does not come from a boob it comes from your heart.

 

[Arisa]

https://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o163/kyuutsuki/Facebook/29052012%20Summer%20Gillard%20The%20Early%20pictures/598372_10150945466781713_1583853730_n.jpg

And it stick by this statement

 

[mnjhowell]

I felt extreme guilt too. My daughter is 7 weeks and I had to start pumping at 3 weeks to add enfamil AR to it for reflux and I ended up stopping after just being so exhausted. I still have those what ifs but they are rare and yours will be too soon. All that matters is you have a happy and healthy baby!

 

[socitycourty]

starting to feel better as I feel like I'm spending more "time" with her as in not just feeding and then waiting for her to feed again. she seems so much happier and satisfied as well as not in discomfort. I still have some down moments every day but I also found staying off the internet helped

 

[Liesje]

starting to feel better as I feel like I'm spending more "time" with her as in not just feeding and then waiting for her to feed again. she seems so much happier and satisfied as well as not in discomfort. I still have some down moments every day but I also found staying off the internet helped

I don't think formula is as bad as those "bully" breastfeeders want us to think (not to be confused with people who just breastfeed their kids and be normal about it).
I was refilling my prescription for domperidone the other day and my doctor asked me why I'm so adamant about this, I told her obvious guilt thing and she told me not to worry too much about it, the statistics are all pretty warped and the numbers can be interpreted hundreds of ways. People just love to take two numbers from the Internet and start comparing them without any education on the topic, and of there were actually any proven "risks" to formula, especially when we're talking about babies, it would be available only by prescription.